Dave Barry's Blog

FINALIST, NICKNAME THAT A GUY WOULD LEAST WANT TO HAVE

"Willy Chop" Bobbitt

ATTENTION, BRITISH MOTORISTS

Check your bonnet.

ATTENTION, jUDI

Presenting: Men of the Internet

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THE SCORE

Mystery LA Reptile: 1, Wranglers 0

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

UPDATE: Whoops Forgot the link. Sorry.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

(Belated thanks to Cap'n Tim Hallett, who sent it in on TLAPD)

ATTENTION, MINNEAPOLIS RESIDENTS WHO HAVE BEEN LONGING TO GRILL AN ENTIRE COW

Here's your chance.

(Thanks to Kip Sundquist)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT DUTCH MUSICIANS LACK SOUL

This blog replies: "Oh yeah? What about the guy who drums on cheese?"

(Thanks to Tom Whitwell)

NEW ORLEANS RECOVERY UPDATE

Things are perking up.

(Thanks to Ashley Biggers)

AMERICANS: A BIG-HEARTED PEOPLE

We also have large butts.

REASON WHY DOGS WILL SOMEDAY RISE UP AND KILL THEIR OWNERS

No. 93

(Thanks to Chris Miller)

WE KNOW WE SHOULDN'T

But we wanna watch Dutch TV, where the news teams are wayyyy more than perky.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

HEARTWARMING RITA RESCUE STORY

OK, maybe "heartwarming" is the wrong word.

WOMAN MAKES SOUND DECISION

Maybe she likes the "vibrate" function.

Key Quote:"Police here say they are still clueless."

HAIL TO THE CHIEF

Talk about your "Secret Service protection."

(Heartfelt thanks to Jeremy Martin, who recently returned from the Middle East, and also sent us this fine news item.)

VACATION DESTINATION

Bussloo.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DANG

So the wind and the rain are dying down, and we're saying, "Guess the storm is about over!" And up on the utlility pole outside our house, Mr. Hypersensitive Transformer overhears us, and goes, quote, "bang." And our power goes out.

Time to get out Mr. Generator.

Update: The power is back, thanks to the hardworking power guys driving around in trucks and working hard. But I'm worried about Mr. Hypersensitive Transformer up there. God help us if another storm comes. Or a moth farts.

LIVE STORM REPORT FROM WALTER THE WALRUS-PENIS BONE

Here we see Walter on the patio, wearing his rain gear and courageously reporting that the potted palm is experiencing wind gusts of up to three miles per hour. Walter will remain on location next to the potted palm as long as he is humanly able.

UH-OH

Our power is flickering. Good luck to you folks down in the Keys.

Update: I don't like the looks of the latest satellite image.

LITERARY-GUITAR AUCTION FOR KATRINA VICTIMS

Here's the eBay site that was set up by the guys at Big 105.9 after I was on Paul and Ron's show this morning. Thanks again to them for having me on, and to the folks at Gibson for donating the guitar. And thanks in advance to anybody who can bid, and maybe help the Katrina victims.

ADVISORY

No doubt you have been asking yourself: "What happens if Rita slams into Miami and causes the walrus penis bone on Dave's patio to become a 150-mile-per-hour airborne missile? Might not somebody get hurt, or -- worse -- become pregnant? (Judi would be SO jealous.)

Not to worry! I have taken the precaution of securing it to the patio, using two pieces of masking tape.

RITA UPDATE

Mrs. Blog went to the supermarket to get some bread and other stuff. She called a while later to report that there was a guard at the door, and a long line of people being admitted one at a time. So she left to find another store, and now reports that the situation is the same at all the food and hardware stores. No sign of FEMA yet.

STORM TRACK UPDATE: This is disturbing. And we definitely do not like the looks of this.

URGENT UPDATE: There's nothing to worry about! Herman the FEMA Spokescrab is here! (Thanks to Claire Martin)

PUT YOUR SNAKE AWAY, SIR

The thing is, here in South Florida, you see guys walking around in public with snakes all the time. This is particularly true of South Miami Beach, where wearing a snake around your neck qualifies as business casual. My question is, why? Do these guys think women find snakes attractive? Has anybody ever heard a woman say, "What I go for is a man with a big old python around his neck"?

ARRRR

Shiver me timbers! Where did this come from, me freaking hearties?

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS, ME HEARTIES

Ahoy and avast, there ain't no frogs in yer beer, mateys. But shiver me timbers, the truth is not farrrrrrrr from it.

(Thanks to Cap'n Chris Miller

ATTENTION, WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS OF THE WORLD

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRe you paying attention?

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

AVAST

Don't forget: Tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, the day on which the whole world joins together to talk like a pirate for a very positive and important reason that at the moment slips my mind. If you need to brush up on your pirate talk, you can go here and run your mouse over the pirate critter's pants to generate a random pirate phrase, thanks to the wonder of the Pants Based Random Pirate Phrase Generator (PBRPPG), which was invented in 1704 by Bluebeard. Or possibly Blackbeard. It was definitely some guy with a beard.

Also don't forget that tomorrow at 8 a.m. I'll be appearing on Big 105.9 with Paul Castronovo and Young Ron to raise money for Katrina victims by auctioning off good stuff, including a very nice Gibson electric guitar. If you can, please tune in and bid, me hearty. Arrrr.

CELEBRITY ADVISORY #389

How would Diddy dry?

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

YEAH YEAH YEAH

Mrs. Blog and I went to see Paul McCartney last night. Whoa. Great show: No dancers, no choreography, just McCartney and four other superb musicians (two guitars, keyboards, drums) who can play and sing anything, so that when they did, for example, Drive My Car, they sounded exactly like Paul's old band, the Whaddyacallems. The audience was my demographic, that is to say people who are 300 years old but still yearn to rock, or at least bounce up and down in a semi-rhythmic manner in our orthopedic shoes. McCartney, whose voice is still amazing once he warms it up, went for nearly three hours, including two long encores. A memorable moment: He's singing Hey Jude, and we in the audience are of course singing along with the na-na-na-na part at the top of our lungs, and there's one guy near us -- the lone remaining smoker in my age group -- holding up his cigarette lighter. The rest of us are holding up our cell phones, waving them back and forth in time to the "nas," so the arena is a sea of tiny, glowing, swaying screens. Somewhere up above John Lennon was looking down and going, "What the f***?"

UPDATE ON SQUIRREL WORLD TAKEOVER

They've knocked out the power in Tahoe and Billings, and burned down a house in Windsor. They are getting help from environmentalists and Pepper the terrier, who is, quote, "producing milk again."

Also they are no longer threatened by the Squirrel Man of Barre Town.

"WHY IS MY DOG SCOOTING?"

The video.

(Thanks to thornapple river)

GUYS

Nuts about sports, or just plain nuts?

(Thanks to Larry Gainey and Octavia Sawyer)

COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL

(Thanks to queensbee)

GOOD DECISION

Because it would have taken one huge hamster ball.

(Thanks to gooberette)

NOW ALL DOROTHY HAS TO WORRY ABOUT IS THE BEARS

Because the lions and tigers are busy.

(Thanks to Brad Hutchings)

UH-OH

Now it's going to be harder than ever to get rid of low-flow toilets.

CLEARLY INTENTIONAL HEADLINE WE WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS POST A LINK TO:

Right here.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

SHOCKING NEWS FOR THE MEN OF NEPAL

The Earth revolves around the SUN!!!

(Thanks to science expert Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, CALIFORNIA TAXPAYERS WHO, ON THEIR STATE TAX RETURNS, ARE REQUIRED TO ACCOUNT FOR EVERY SINGLE PENNY

You probably don't want to read this.

(Via Reason)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Give it up for Lethal Amphibian Fungus.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK

Three mice took a walk.

(Via Sploid)

WHY THE HECK DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS?

Yoongchang Co. presents: A  portable bidet with... wait for it... a digital camera.

(Via Gizmodo)

HUGELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

As you are well aware, Monday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, the day on which all the peoples of the world set aside their differences and join together in saying "Arrrr," which is pretty much the only pirate expression anybody remembers. This year I'm going to be observing Talk Like a Pirate Day by appearing on the Paul and Young Ron Show on Big 105.9, where Paul and Ron  and I will be raising money for victims of Hurricane Katrina by holding an auction. One of the items we will be auctioning is a beautiful Gibson SG Special electric guitar, which was donated by the good folks at Gibson thanks to the ceaseless efforts of Ted "I Do NOT Have a Mullet Hairstyle, Even Though the Entire World Believes That I Do" Habte-Gabr. This very guitar will be played by members of the Famous Despite Being Really Bad "Rock Bottom Remainders" almost-all-author rock band when we appear at the Miami Book Fair in November; we will then sign the guitar and give it to the high bidder. Or, if the high bidder prefers, we will refrain from even touching the guitar, to avoid getting our musical cooties on it. Whatever the high bidder wants, we will do, unless it involves underage sheep.

So anyway, if you're in the South Florida area, please tune in to Big 105.9 FM Monday morning around 8, and please bid. To give you an idea of the size of this guitar, here's a photograph of it on my patio, next to the bone from a walrus penis:

Judi will be SO jealous.

UPDATE AND CORRECTON:

Commenter AXL sends this:

Dave, that guitar is an SG not an SG Special...

the Special has only two knobs, a tone and volume, and is only a single cutaway, not a double

it is however a very very beautiful guitar with an awesome tone, i own and play the doubleneck version of the SG and it is a really lovely guitar, whoever wins it will not be disappointed.... helping people and getting a lovely guitar

BRITNEY UPDATE

So the baby is officially named Preston Michael Spears Philip Arthur George Federline IV Junior, and based on an exclusive postnatal photograph obtained exclusively by this exclusive blog, it looks like the li'l scamp is going to be a real handful.

OHMIGOD BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

ROBOT SNAKE UPDATE

It's creepier than we thought.

(Thanks to sct72)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to Gary Meier)

I wrote a column about this a couple of years ago. At the time, I thought I was joking.

IT HAD TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY

Sheep TV

(Thanks to queensbee)

THE AMAZING POWER OF THE INTERNET

Will the churches have names like Antonio's and Mama Mia's?

(Thanks to many, many people over the past month or so.)

WE'RE GRATEFUL TO HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT THIS SORT OF THING IS JUST NOT FUNNY, PERIOD

So we won't make the mistake of blogging it.

(Thanks to Tony Gonnell)

UPDATE: Inventor: I Never Used Dead Cats for Fuel

(Thanks to Bryce Donovan)

CONFUSED ROBBER

The Florida Renaissance Festival season doesn't start til January.

(Thanks again to Drew Harchick)