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August 20, 2005

TRULY AN UNEXPECTED HONOR

I recently got an email from a company offering to send me, for $159, a plaque in recognition of an achievement that I apparently achieved without being aware of it. The email included an illustration showing what my plaque would look like. I am not making this up:

Davebusinesswoman

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Fess up, Dave. If you're a black businesswoman, who's been posing for your books all these years?

First again!

Well, Dave, you do tend to tan really well.

My head is just pounding with admiration, Dave. I haven't seen anyone dominate this many award catagories since Garth Brooks at the country music awards.
(I think you should have beat Garth in the "Best Divorced Country Male singer involved in a train/truck incident where a dog's life was taken"
that year.)

Dave, PUH-LEEZE keep us updated on this. Let us know if the company acknowledges its "error" and apologizes.

It's interesting to see the new millenium's version of the "poetry" and the "Outstanding Americans" books. ("For only $49 you can receive YOUR copy of this incredible collection...")

But another thought comes to mind: If they are "honoring" only 25 people, couldn't they at least know what they LOOK like? Or is it really 2,500 or 25,000?

Congratulations Dave! It's about time you got the recognition you deserve.


Now you must tell us, who is your plastic surgeon?

when you, Donald Rumsfeld, and the Pope are accepting your awards, send us some Crap-Cam pictures, please?

Wow Dave! And here we thought we knew so much about you... just goes to show you can't judge an author by his book cover.

You must be so proud.

Wow, Judi said your book photos were bad. She wasn't kidding.

Given this revelation of your ethnicity and gender (does Mrs. Blog know about this?), how can we even be sure you don't have a mullet? Maybe all this attention to Mr. Naked-Mullet's 'do has only been so much misdirection.

Congrats Dave. It's about time they recognize influential black women such as yourself for the contributions you have made to... humor? And, being that you are a middle aged white male, all the more impressive the accomplishment.

Dave, have you been visiting Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon again?

So will the next book/movie be Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Black Business Women?

On microfilm, you can be honored with the '1000000000 Most Significant Carbon-Based Life Forms' next to that frog that keeps showing up and Slimy the lichen.

I, too, was nominated for this honor several years ago. My unorthodox reply got me off their mailing list and any further honors....

Bumble - Congrats! First twice! Apparently the drugs agree with you!

Congrats!

I had no idea you were "Successful and Prominent"!

My god does Michelle know?

should have said this before but....

you go, sister!!!


Don't fall for it Dave, It's a scam. Clearly people would just have to look at you and realize, "Wait a moment, there is no way he's successful at business!"

Maybe they were thinking of Marion Berry.

OMG, the nomination form actually worked! I also nominated Shaq, Roger Clemens, and Edward James Olmos. You are in great company Dave!

I received a similar honor in the mail just the other week.

It read: "Long Island's Most Festidious Housekeeper!"

Boy, did they have the wrong number.

Dave - Did you check the So.FL Business Journal to see if you were really in it?? If not, this could possibly have something to do with Nigeria!
just sayin'....

Ugh. Typo alert.

FASTIDIOUS.

And since when does spelling count?

In what is surely a grave oversight, Dave Barry does not appear on this official list of winners.

http://southflorida.bizjournals.com/bizwomen/southflorida/

is their website; no results on a search for "dave barry"; registration required for most articles. They say it's free...for now, anyway.

Oh sure. Burst Dave's bubble. Nice going guys.

El~ I dunno. I got dizzy just scrolling down. But perhaps this company would send me a plaque in honor of the achievement.

We've all probably gotten on some seriously mistaken mailing lists. My personal favorite: I get mailings from the NRA congratulating me for being and avid hunter and gun enthusiast.

And, Bumble, how are you holding up? Are you chomping on tea bags (which actually help coagulate your bleeding gums) and resting comfortably?

I know this was yesterday's thread but I felt woozy for days after my wisdom tooth extractions. It gets better fast.

Wow, you truly are versatile and multi-talented.

scat~ I'm doing better than I expected considering all the scary stuff people told me. The pain isn't too bad; I'm mostly swollen and stiff. The first day was utterly awful, but I lived through it, and I'm recuperating. Pudding pops and Lipton soup are my friends, and mom's a wonderful nurse.

Dave, after you's done moutin' that plaque on the wall, could you come and mind Miss Scarlett? She's actin up agin.

Kathy P. - I'm dying to know what your 'unorthodox' reply was...

Personally, I like to occasionally get my folks' dog in on some direct mail action. Once a rep from a dating service called my mom asking to speak to "Shadow Funcke", which sounds disturbingly like a stripper name.

Jillywilly - what a great idea! As my dog "speaks" when commanded, I can just imagine the phone conversation:

Sales Rep: Hello, my name is Al Cohol, and I'd like to speak to Judah B., please.
Me: Just a minute. (open door, whistle for dog, turn on speaker phone) OK, he's here, go ahead.
Sales Rep: Um, hello, Mr. B.?
Me: Speak, boy!
Judah: WOOF!!!
Sales Rep: What was that?
Me: That was Judah. He's my rottweiler.
Sales Rep: I, uh, think I have the wrong number.
Me: No kidding. Bye!

I think you should buy it then pose with it in "People" magazine.

You go, girl!

true immortality is being on a mailing list.

21 years after her death, my mom still gets considerable amounts of mail.

*wonders how Dave has overcome the oppression and broke through the glass ceiling to become such a successful black businesswoman*

Kudos Dave! Having never received an honor of this magnitude (unless you count being voted "Most Likely to Marry a Jerk and Get Divorced and be Poor for the Rest of Her Life" in school) I have to ask how you managed to win this prestigious award? I mean, being so busy on hiatus and all....

*the above post does NOT mean I have suddenly divorced Mr. Swooshman after 1 week of marriage...that was the FIRST jerk I married

And this is NOT saying that Mr Swooshman is a jerk, it's just.....oh crap.

*secretly very glad that Mr Swooshman is somewhat of a computer numnuts*

Dave, did the letter announcing your nomination begin: "Dear Sir..." or "Dear Sir or Madame (as the case may be)..."?

You're black and a woman? Boy Dave, you sure had me fooled...

Dave, I personally had you pegged a an Aleution pygmy hermaphrodite (sic), {with a mullet}, still love your work.

Wow, if that plaque was $159, how much did you have to pay to get your Pulitzer?!?

Too bad you're on hiatis, Dave. This thing has "expense account" written all over it.

Ok Dave, we all know it's damn difficult for a white heterosexual male to get any kind of decent recognition these days, but posing as a black woman to get some ridiculous flashy award that YOU have to pay for? Come on, that's a bit over the top even for you. :)

you rock on my sistah ...

Dave,

I searched Yahoo to find your blog (my computer was stolen, all new bookmarks to be made) and discovered something else you probably didn't know about yourself: you wrote a book called "untitled"

Untitled Dave Barry - $17.29 Make Overstock.com your one-stop-shop for all your media needs

You earned it.

Speaking of being on incorrect lists... my husband is somehow on the AARP mailing list. He's all of 26. We're not sure why he is on it and they won't take him off. Maybe we can use this to our advantage somehow?

Silver--with AARP you can get 10% or so off on many motel rooms. Hubby may want to put a few gray streaks in his hair...

or he could just check in as a successful black businesswoman...

I was once on a cross dressing catalog's mailing list, because I had ordered clothes for my husband. BUT, apparently, they only catered to cross dressing men, because the catalog was full of wigs, glue-on fingernails, bras and girdles with the boobs and butts already in them and Oh, so much more. Leather accessories, toys, hanging chairs...

I have nothing else to say except MAN, that made me laugh.

So that's what the hiatus was all about--you needed more time to devote to your other life as a black businesswoman!

From the award, I'd say it paid off.

I think I will win for being on inappropriate mailing lists. I once posted to a message board which I thought was a housecleaning tips message board. Unfortunately, it was a subgroup of INCIID, an infertility support group. I immediately informed them that I needed to be removed from the mailing list since I felt my FIVE children might jeopardize my membership. I was removed from the email list, however, my husband nearly had a heart attack when I received their magazine in the mail one day.

Will you be attending the award ceremony? *THAT* I'd pay to see!

Dave,

I think you should send the $159 and post the award proudly in your office. It'd be a hoot.

Elizabeth

Speaking of lame-o "promotions" I made the foolish mistake of giving my REAL address to the poetry.com website when we did the Mullet poem contest.

On the plus side, 'Mulletopia' by Sarcasmo Habte-Gurgled has been nominated and will be published.

sounds cool!

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