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June 23, 2005

IT'S A GOOD THING WE HAVE A STRICT POLICY AGAINST LINKING TO ANANOVA

Otherwise we might be posting totally unbelievable crap like this.

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Well, that's it. It's time for a mandatory cooling-off period and national registration for all snapping turtle purchases.

They say they can't figure out why it attacked.
They say that the turtle would usually only attack if cornered.
The boy was bitten in a very bad place to be bitten.
Obviously, the boy cornered the turtle.
You know how those hormones can be sometimes...

OK, how many of you, on reading just the headline, started singing:

"Once I was swimmin' cross turtle creek,
Man them snappers all around my feet,
Sure was hard to cross that thing
With both hands holdin' my ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

Hmm - a 15 year old in a lake. I'll take bets he was playing "Submarine" and was doing the "Up Periscope" act - that's how the turtle managed to get to Mr Winky in the first place...

Not that I've every played Submarine, of course...

The old-timers in the NC mountains used to say that once a snapping turtle bit something, it's jaws would not open up to release the object until lighting flashed.

Also, I happen to know that snapping turtles eat dead stuff like dead fish. Maybe the appendage resembled a strip of mouldering fish flesh. Their bite is EXTREMEMLY dangerous due to the nasty bacteria living in their mouths.

Thirdly, I once ate snapping turtle stew. The flesh was very pink and tender, but it tasted like chicken.

Fourthly, about a month ago, I came across a huge snapping turtle crossing the road. I had a car load of kids with me. I stopped traffic both ways and picked the creature up by its tail and flung it off the road. Not before it hissed at me with breath fowler than Smaug's. Also, it's tail was really long and spikey like an alligator's.

This has been a public (not pubic) service announcement from the Department of Useless Crap that nobody cares about.

And for those of you dying to ask....I know the breath of that turtle was deadlier than Smaug's because I used to be married to Smaug.

"Snapping turtles can reach a weight of six stone and live for 80 years"

My god man! Six stone?! I had a hamster once that weighed in at 17 twig, but 6 stone is one helluva turtle. I would positively poo myself if confronted with a 6 stone turtle in a lake. I'm curious to know how many stone the lake can hold, total? And they think it's a pet that outgrew its aquarium. Spiffing right it outgrew its aquarium! Where would you even find a 6 stone aquarium these days? My goldfish Fluffy and Captain Tinkleberry are in a standard 4 stone aquaium, and they're getting pudgy at 3.14 acorn apiece.
This is truly a shocking cautionary tale.

....stone stone stone.

Federal Duck-

Deep breaths, my good man. And go to happy hour this evening. Otherwise we'll never get you through this.

-gfunk

They said that the finger needed several stitches. I'm wodering what happened to the--as qetzal put it--"ding-a-ling-a-ling."

Federal Duck - would it help if I said a stone is 14 pounds? (But happy hour sounds like a better option. I heard the Caucus Room was having a few good drink specials.)

Qetzal - now I am going to have Chuck Berry in my head all day. Thanks.

Higgy, i snorked mushroom and barley soup on that one. and would it be "playing u-boat"?

JU

Snapping turtles eat fish right off the stringer, too, so we always put our fish in a live basket. Whenever we'd catch a snapper we'd cut it's head off and throw it back into the river. Snapping turtles are mean, nasty, ugly vermin and their wives should sell their sports cars on e*bay immediately.

A boy took a dip in the lake
to see what fun he could make
a turtle appeared
it's ugly head reared
and took a bite out of his trouser snake

did it think it was food? I mean his finger, which was bitten first.

did it think it was food? I mean his finger, which was bitten first.

a couple of haiku: (sort of)

don't fear the great white
though in one bite they take you
nay, lad, fear turtles

far better it is
to become shark poop quickly
than to be nibbled

Smithie00 - no problem! Always happy to share.

Note to Higgy:

No naked cannonballs into that lake ;)

"Spring Break Snapping Turtle Attack!"

heh! It just never gets old. (Or does it?)

BTW snapping turtles are not bothered by a bit of ice in the winter. There is a 100 pounder living in the river here, and it has lived through many -44c winters.

It is also about the only thing around here that my cats have not nibbled.

BTW snapping turtles are not bothered by a bit of ice in the winter. There is a 100 pounder living in the river here, and it has lived through many -44c winters.

It is also about the only thing around here that my cats have not nibbled.

Unsuccessful Police Divers ... wbagnfarb?

Also ...

Ice, cold winter, wearing mittens and ear muffs ...

Police muff search ...

... um ...

nah, better quit now ...

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