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June 18, 2005

ACTUAL VOICEMAIL RECEIVED TODAY BY THIS BLOG FROM LOS ANGELES

Hey Dave? My name's Craig. Craig Kilborn. And I'm being accosted here by Ted in the Farmet's Market, and he's a big fan. But anyway, he wants to know if he has a mullet or not, and it's a really tough call -- I've been staring at him for quite a while from the profile. And I'm going to go no mullet, because he has kinda curly hair, and you know, cool guys -- you don't remember Guillermo Vilas, the tennis player from Argentina -- but, similar hair. So I'm going say no mullet. And now I'm going to go back and take a nap. Thanks.

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Poor Craig. I wonder if Ted accosted him at gunpoint?

Give it up, Ted. The blog doesn't care if you have a petition signed by every hairdresser and half the innocent bystanders on the planet. They will still say it is a mullet. You have no hope here. Did you not realize that during the contest?

Oh dear, the great mullet debate has moved from the blog to Dave's voicemail! Change your number, Dave! Ted will start posting pictures at post offices around the country asking people to call you and vote "NO" on the mullet issue.

Oh, dear. We've sent Ted 'round the bend. Now he's walking up to complete strangers at fruit stands asking for votes about his hair.

This mullet is the biggest thing on the blog since 24. The point is I miss 24.

I miss Marwan.

Are any seasons of 24 available on DVD?

Good to know Craig is OK. I hear they're running some limey against me now and nobody can understand a thing he says. Now if I could only get Jimmy Kimmel caught with a bunch of hookers, late night would be all mine!

Jessica, yes they have 24 on DVD.

But it's not fun cause there's no blog to go along with it. :-(

I'd offer you a hug, but....

Clearly, Ted's mullet has the power to cloud men's minds.

Who knows what evil lurks on the heads of men? The mullet knows!

I agree with Bumble on this. We here on the Dave Barry blog are reasonable, open-minded people who always get all relevant information before we pass judgment on any issue.

We have done that, and come to the conclusion that Ted has a mullet. Therefore, the discussion is closed and no amount of any of the stuff that Bumble said will make us change our mind.

So - give it up Ted! Stop stalking people and get a haircut and get back to us with a new picture.

Then we can discuss your new "do" and let you know how we feel about it.

You might want to check out this style!

I, for one, am glad that Ted will not let the issue fade like the mullets of yore. I think that Ted could be extremely useful in the next presidential campaign because people can really get behind him. After all, that's where the party is.

Ted gets around, eh?

Is Tamara Canadian?

A possible connection to 24 has me intrigued.

The Very Blonde Boyfriend (VBBF for all you MOATies) has declared that our vowel challenged friend is...well...in his own words … “Good grief! That’s a hell of a mullet!” He also said he knew a girl’s volleyball coach named Bertha with the same cut.

Whoa...who cares about Ted? Craig is HOT!

Whoa...who cares about Ted's mulletatiousness? Craig is HOT!

Did Ted coach volleyball in a past life?

A possible connection to Bertha has me intrigued.

Yeah, Craig's cute. And so is Conan. And Ted. And Dave. Why are none of the men I meet cute? Or my age? Explain, please. And if you're a cute single guy, e-mail me your picture along with the explanation.

Razor set to one
Do front and sides and then stop
Reaffirm my style

I gotta say, it looks to me like Ted Hadta-Grab-her's hair is the same length on top as it is in the back, just trimmed up around the ears.

Why does anyone care?

Booger!

Denial: Ted's insistance that he doesn't have a mullet.

I'm more into Gibbs.

*****

slowlayne!! You're just not around enough anymore.

Craig Killborn, How cool is THAT...you go Ted!

scat, what's wrong with our default rudders - Dave's productivity enhancers and judi's semi-naked men?

They won't steer you wrong.

Clearly, we need a blog about 24 with updates that make no sense and have nothing to do with the show.

But I've already got a site devoted to random humor. Screw it.

I just heard that Leno and Kimmel have issued stalker alerts on Ted Haber-Dasher.

Craig "that limey" Ferguson hasn't. You can see why.

I second Alex's idea. What's wrong with a continuing blog about 24? If we just make nonsense up we couldn't do any worse than the paid script writers. Besides, they might like our stuff so much that they base next season's show it.

I third Alex's idea. Dave... please post your review of Monday night's episode of 24. Clearly it starts with President Allstate and President Weenie-boy attending the funeral for President Falls-from-sky, who had been in a persistent vegitative state during the entire first term of his Presidency, but remained in one for more than a year before the government shut-down caused the Presidential-death-watch-room to not pay its electricity bill.

We look forward to the rest.

Sincerely,

The Blog

can I take credit on reintroducing 24 to the blog? I've been watching the first season on DVD and it was in my head. This is the second time watching this season and it's good to remember some classic Jack Bauer.

FBI Secret Service and LAPD are after Jack. He gets pulled over while on the phone. What does he tell the people he is on the phone with? "hold on, this will only take a minute"

long live the 24 blog!

i think this mullet issue needs to go national. contact keith olbermann on Countdown. he would give this story the coverage it deserves, now that wackojacko is done with. he could do mullet-head puppet theatre, and all sorts of stuff. or at the very least dave, you could go on all the late nite talk shows with this pressing issue.
why discuss the war, the economy and all those boring dooty stories. ted's mullet. could be a cause celebre. go for it.

Well, see qetzel, I was thinking that if we all sit around on Monday evenings watching the same episode of 24 (Dave hasn't done "blog columns" on all of them yet.) we could still enjoy Dave's commentary, but of course there won't be any bra commercials or car events. Dave would have to go along with this plan, and it would take some effort to rent or purchase our own dvd's and to coordinate episode watching times, but it would be fun and probably less expensive than 2000 superballs on ebay.

Hmmm. Jessica, you may be on to something. Or maybe just on something. Either's good.

Oooh! Oooh! I've got it!

Dave should blog new 24 episodes involving Ted's mullet!

Think of the possibilities! Ted's mullet could go around committing various acts of terrorism, but every time Jack gets close, Ted's mullet just slips through his fingers (rim shot) and gets away.

Oh, wait. Ted's mullet is in LA already, isn't it. Damn it, he's probably already inking the deal with Fox. I should have gotten the copyright first....

Ted: Tamara is not Canadian. She may not even be American. She is so hawt, no one dares try to define or label her. Also, her usually-fairly-hawt mother once sported a mullet. Um, she wasn't hawt then.

Snif: excellent haiku

Sly: Craig photo! *snork!*

You know, and some other alert mulletologist may have already presented this, but the true evidence of a mullet is "business in the front, party in the back." Mr. Kilborn may not yet know this rule. Sorry, Ted.

Maybe Ted's hair actually transcends the mullet. That could explain how Ted keeps getting people to say it's not a mullet. (That, or the pointy stick he jabs at them, saying "Does this look like a mullet to you? Does it?!")

Anyway, maybe it deserves its own name. We should just call it the Hbtr-Grbl, er, the Hrbl-Gtrb, um,... 'The Ted'.

BTW, how did Ted end up with the name 'Habte-Gabr'? Does that suggest that at some point, a Habte married a Gabr, and they decided the best thing would be to hyphenate that mess? Wow!

It's disturbing to me that Craig said "I've been staring at him for quite a while from the profile."

I hope he realizes that staring at Ted's mullet could do permanent damage, both physically and mentally - if it hasn't already.

I would never stare at Teds profile, like Craig did, because Ted might stair back, which would make me scream!

Oops! Typo!

Craig Fergusen IS NOT a "Limey" - he's SCOTTISH, you troglodytes...

What's the origin of the term "limey" anyway? Anyone know? I've never gotten that. Or "hoosier," for that matter. I'd rather be called "resident of the corn-filled state." At least I know what that means. Although that could go for Iowa or Illinois, too. Oh, well. I may only be a hoosier for a couple more months. I may become an Oregonian. *snork* Anyone remember Dave's column about the "Oregonian" and the "Post-dispatch?" Maybe I'd better not move to Oregon.

Craig's Parents are from Ireland. They moved to Scottland to anger the British.

Why would Conan O'Brien make any comment about being a Limey. This sounds suspicious...
I just read an article that says the term Limey was about the British Navy having to eat limes to stave off Scurvy. Or I am wrong.

Haus ( & Bumble)

Nope, that's pretty much correctamundo ... when it was discovered that limes (Vitamin C) prevented scurvy, the Royal British Navy made it part of the supplies for all sailing ventures.

The Brits ate (or sucked - heh, I said sucked) limes, and sailors (and seaside saloonkeepers, one must assume) knew this, and so they began calling the Jack Tars "Limeys" ... (Jack Tars is an extension of the term "Union Jack" or the British ensign (flag, which is not to be confused with the lowest rank of the commissioned officers in the U. S. Navy - Ensigns) ... the flag, or Union Jack or "Jack" was appended to the name associated with ALL sailors ... "Tars" ... for the tar they often reeked of, or had staining their clothing, from the tar on ropes and on the ship, to prevent leaks ...

How long do you want me to go on? I'm running out of parentheses ...

Does this explain why people like lemons and limes on there drinks. Even if the drink is to make them unable to taste? Maybe this is why it is seen as an insult. Other wise it would make them seem pretty smart.

Did everybody get my 'party in the back' sneaky comment back there? I would hope so, but I just wanted to be sure.

Marvin, we can do that? We can check that people read our stuff? Well, then, I wanna make sure everybody saw my Ted's Air pic in the Last Call thread.

Eww, I feel so dirty!

*POST!*

it's not a mullet just because it's curly? nope, that's no excuse. I admit, we're just judging by pics and CK saw the 'do in person, but just the fact tht he had to think about it, pretty much confirms that it's at least mullet-like, and if it's mullet-like, it's a mullet.

Guillermo Vilas? He has long hair all around. If Craig thinks Ted's hair looks likes Guillermo's then it ain't Ted. I think Mullet Head-Jabbar is paying people to accost other people in farmer's markets asking them about his hair. After "staring at him for quite a while" they would be asked to report to the blog about the non-mulletness of said hairstyle. (Which is not Ted's at all!) We're onto you wearer of the mullet!

Does anybody remember the press conference scene in Long Day's Night in which the reporter asked Ringo what he called his haircut and he answered "I call it Arthur?"

yes, why do you ask?

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