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May 24, 2005

ATTENTION, LOGO DESIGNERS

Keep "up" the good work.

(Thanks to Rayne from the message board)

HAIRSTYLE OF THE WEEK

Believe it or not, some of us can remember when this man was considered very cool.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who personally sports a mullet)

Update: We have received the following rebuttal from Ted:

First, I don't want anyone to suggest that I protesteth too much, but take a look at mulletsgalore.com. There is not a single do on the gamut of mullets on that site that even remotely resembles the Field Coordinator's hair. A couple years ago, my hair stylist signed an affidavit that my hair WAS NOT A MULLET. I asked for it as another friend kept insisting that mine was a mullet. Even sent me a coffee table book on the Mullet. Anyway, back to breasts.

Update update: We will let you, our readers, vote on this issue in the comments section. Does Ted, or does Ted not, sport a mullet?

INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Weeee.

(Thanks to Okiecub from the message board)

LOOKING FOR A WAY TO TRAVEL ACROSS WATER AND LOOK PRETTY DARNED SILLY?

Look no farther.

(Be sure to watch the video)

(Via Gizmodo)

YOUR DAILY UPDATE ON THE ONGOING WAR ON SNAKES

Evidently cats are not the answer.

TEST TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE, AT HEART, AN ADOLESCENT MALE

See if one sentence in this story makes you eject coffee through your nostrils.

Update: Whoops. Bad link. It has been fixed, I hope.

THE PISTONS

OK, they're pretty good.

May 23, 2005

24

And so, at last, we come to the night we have all been waiting so long for -- the night when, after many weeks of mounting tension, the Miami Heat and Detroit Pistons meet in the NBA playoffs.

But during timeouts and commercials I will also be tuning in to the final episode of 24, which is having its big two-hour finale tonight. The extra hour is necessary because the terrorists have chosen to attack the United States using the world's slowest nuclear missile, a HeckFire 2000 model, powered by pig flatulence (which is why they launched it from Iowa). It has been moseying toward its Secret East Coast Target City for two weeks now at the velocity of a Winnebago motor home. At times it comes to a complete stop and just hovers for a while in mid-air, like a big farting nuclear bee.

As a result, the men in charge of the federal government have had plenty of time to prepare for a nuclear attack on a major U.S. city, and they have used this time to do: nothing. Basically, they are hunkering in their bunker. They have held a couple of high-level strategy meetings, but these mainly consisted of arguments about who, exactly, should be in attendance at the high-level strategy meetings. Acting President Manilow changes his mind and his underwear about every five minutes. Acting Acting President AllState Insurance has been doing what he can, but is hampered by the fact that he keeps having to change into semi-casual attire to appear in commercials.

Meanwhile in California, Jack Bauer, having so far this season invaded 127 buildings, lost 239 fellow agents and shot 358 people in the thigh in his desperate, all-consuming, comically futile effort to capture the evil terrorist genius mastermind Home Depot shopper Marwan, finally last week managed to actually capture Marwan, and then, within a matter of minutes, using all his skill and training as an anti-terrorism agent, somehow managed to LOSE MARWAN. Yes. It was an amazing display of incompetence, even by Jack Bauer standards. So now Jack is really, really angry. It is only a matter of time before he shoots his own self in the thigh.

In other bad news, last week Tony – who had just declared to his special subplot, Michelle, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her – immediately went out and got taken hostage by Mandy The Hot Terrorist Babe. The way this happened was, Mandy The Hot Terrorist Babe told Tony to put his gun down, and Tony – a trained agent, knowing that he was confronting a ruthless terrorist who cannot be trusted and places no value on human life -- put his gun down. And if you are wondering what Tony could possibly have been thinking that would make him do something so stupid, you are a woman. Tony was thinking: "Yes, she's a terrorist. But she's also hot! If I do what she tells me, maybe later, after the nuclear missile explodes and she's free, we can go out for drinks!"

So anyway, as this week's episode begins, Marwan is once again At Large, and the Bee-Fart missile is still chugging along, and Tony is a hostage, and Jack is really mad but also still having feelings for his whiny sniveling prune subplot girlfriend Audrey, whose whiny sniveling subplot brother slept with Mandy The Hot Terrorist Chick's boyfriend (not that there's anything wrong with that) and nearly got their father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, killed.

Speaking of which: I have received an email from Jim in St. Louis, who says that he and his wife believe they may have figured out the Surprise Twist Ending:

Our bet is that Devane and Audrey are behind it all. Two main reasons: 1) all 24 conspiracies involved a Big Bad Villain and 2) Devane always sends Jack into bad situations where Marwan of Home Depot awaits. Maybe the really slow missile is headed for the bunker?!

Could this be true? Where IS the missile going? Could the missile be a diversion for some OTHER fiendish terrorist genius mastermind stroke of evilness? Will Jack be able to stop it in time? Will Audrey be eaten by ants? Wouldn't that be great? Is the Ford Big Truck Throwdown still going on? Will Chloe and Edgar finally give in to their passion, tear off each other's clothes, then log on to an internet database to find out what they're supposed to do next? ("Hang on, Edgar! I'm downloading your schematics!")

We will find out all the answers starting at 8 p.m. It will not be easy for me to keep up with the action, because, as I said, I will also be closely monitoring the Heat-Pistons game. And since my wife, a sportswriter, will be at the game, I will also be responsible for putting our daughter to bed, which means I have to pay some attention to her and tell her a bedtime story. ("Once upon a time there was a very bad man named Marwan, who...")

So I may miss large chunks of the final episode. I will do what I can to post updates here, but I am counting on you folks out there in BlogLand to do your part by posting your analyses in the comments section. Working together, we can get through this thing. And then we can get back to our lives. Although, to judge from the fact that you are reading this, neither of us has a life.

Update: Audrey is completely over the death of her subplot husband. That was, like, an hour ago.

Update: Whoa. Mandy the HTC has a gun strapped to her thigh.

Update: Mandy called Michelle!

Update: Shaq is starting. Yay!

Update: Jack is pulling the units.

Update: Mandy the HTC is very mean. But hot!

Update: Piston fans: Accept it. Dwayne Wade is GOD.

Update: Oh man. Not the China subplot again.

Update: You know that, even lying on the floor about to be executed, Tony is still thinking, "Dang, she is hot."

Update: Of course you know Mandy the HTC was not in that car, right?

Update: They just figured out that if a nuclear missile goes off in a major U.S. city, there will be, quote, "widespread panic." They just figured this out.

Update: Jack wants MORE DAMN VOLUME.

Update: Jack is ON to Mandy the HTC.

Update: Tony is using the old Trail of Blood Trick.

Update: Why is Duke Coach Mike Krzzksryzgstanxxkzzxxkrvski on so many commercials? He is a gnome.

Update: THEY GOT MANDY! If Marwan rescues her, I am going to stop watching this show.

Update: The refs are NOT calling FLAGRANT fouls against Dwayne Wade.

Update: Jack is thinking: "She's hot!"

Update: I have been informed that I have been spelling Dwyane Wade's first name wrong. I apologize.

Update: I do NOT get the Chinese subplot.

Update: Ah. The purpose of the Chinese subplot is to put Jack in Jeopardy.

Update: I probably should go find my daughter.

Update: Wow. Mandy has been a Hot Terrorist Chick for some time now.

Update: Jack is after Marwan. Again. Ho-hum.

Update: We can all relax. My daughter is in her room playing with Barbies.

Update: I can't believe Jack is going into a building without downloading the schematics.

Update: Marwan got away again. Sort of.

Update: Well that sure worked out well, granting immunity to Mandy the HTC, huh?

Update: Back to the Chinese subplot.

Update: Now OUR goverment is going to turn against Jack! Which means he is safe.

Update: Chloe expanded Edgar's parameters! The missile is heading for Los Angeles! So it's really not a problem.

Update: Somehow I don't think this is really over yet.

Update: Shaq has 13 at the half.

Update: Jack loves Audrey. Booooooooring.

Update: Thanks, Jack! Now you're going to China!

Update: Lawyer Boy wants Jack terminated.

Update: But Mike overheard Lawyer Boy. We used to think Mike was bad, but now we think he's good.

Update: I miss Marwan.

Update: CTU has a locker room! Just like a football team.

Uodate: Jack escaped!

Update: Detroit is pretty good, I have to admit.

Update: They sent ONE GUY to get Jack? Hahahahahahaha.

Update: Do we think Jack is really dead? Nah.

Update: Not Audrey! Anything but Audrey!

Update: Jack is going to Disney World!

Update: Wow, that was lame. I am proud to have been part of it.

Update: Please nobody tell my wife how late I put our daughter to bed. Thank you. See you all right here next season.

THOUGHTS OF AN IMPORTANT POKER CELEBRITY

This is a parody, right? Right??

(Thanks to Gavin Taylor, who writes, "While reading, keep in mind that this guy plays POKER, and it's fantastic unintentional comedy.")

BARTENDER!!

On second thought, how 'bout a nice cold gruel?

(Thanks to dbphillips)

OK, THERE ARE THESE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND THE SCREEN, AND THE OBJECT IS TO SHOOT THEM ALL IN THE THIGH

It's the 24 game!

(Thanks to go_fish)

BARTENDER!

We'll have a glass of sheep's blood.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Loran Waldron)

GOOD MARKETING SENSE

It's important to give your business a catchy, easy-to-remember name.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOOD NEWS ON THE CRAPCAM FRONT

This is not funny. Are we legally allowed to blog the merely self-referential?

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

May 22, 2005

NO, THANKS

Who has time for productivity on a Sunday?

(Thanks to triller)

WE KNOW THEY DID IT ON PURPOSE

But it's a fine headline just the same.

Whoops. We are reminded that this blog is too classy to link to such things, so please disregard this post.

(Thanks to Patricia Ponder)

May 20, 2005

OK, WE'RE ALL GOING TO PUT OUR HEADS DOWN ON OUR DESKS

...and we want whoever stole this village's lake to put it back.

(Thanks to OriginalEnigma)

AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING

It just takes one to say, "Enough is enough."

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)

WOMEN ARE INSANE

Here's proof.

(Thanks to GretchenCS)

WHY IS THIS NOT A NATIONAL HOLIDAY?

Cher was born on this date in 1846.

ANANOVA: HOME OF CONSISTENTLY EXCELLENT HEADLINES

(Thanks to Collins69S)

SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE, NUMBER WECANTTAKEITMAKEITSTOPPLEASEMAKEITSTOP

Paul Anka covers The Cure.

(Thanks to Sharon Brennan)

UPDATE: Oh, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

(Thanks to Wendi Martin)

KEEP ON PAINTING THOSE FENCES

Otherwise, the terrorists will have won.

(Thanks to Chuck Newman and queensbee and xmnr)

THE PATHETIC THING IS, THIS WILL DEFINITELY WORK

Guys are so easy.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, a known guy)

MEANWHILE, IN THE SO-CALLED "HEARTLAND"

They're eating worms.

IF CHEWBACCA WAS EXPECTING SOME HOT POST-MOVIE ACTION, WOULD HE GO TO THE DRUGSTORE AND PURCHASE PROTECTION?

You bet..

ENGLAND

Land of culture.

HUGE NEWS FROM MYSORE

Balasubramanya, better known as "Snake" Shyam, has now a running mate, T.V. Ashok Kumar, who also responds favourably to the calls of people for catching the snakes.

May 19, 2005

NEITHER A BORROWER NOR A LENDER BE

Oh yeah, and it's better to give than to receive.

(Thanks to MOTW)

TESTING

This is just a test to see if I can blog from a cell phone. There is no need to comment on this test. Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience.

BRITISH MUSEUM STAFF: NOT ESPECIALLY OBSERVANT?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to many observant people)

PLEASE

Tell us this will end soon.

TAKE THE REST OF MAY OFF

It's National Rutabaga Month!

IF YOU SEE A MUSHROOM CLOUD OVER THE CITY OF SALE, AUSTRALIA

Run.

May 18, 2005

IF YOU THINK 24 IS NONSTOP DRAMA

Wait until you see the FelixCam.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NOT-SO-DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

"That's okay, honey, you stay here and watch TV; I'll be happy to go to the store."

(Thanks to Debby Witt)

THE BASIC PROBLEM WITH SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

Some scientists believe "Drink less beer" is a desirable goal.

(Thanks to Kendall Avery)

UPDATE: Apparently they're also inclined to value chicken petting.

(Thanks to David Burgett)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to David Yancey)

ADVISORY TO TOURIST DIVERS WHO ARE CONSIDERING FEEDING A VIRTUALLY BLIND MORAY EEL KNOWN AS "PSYCHO"

You might want to reconsider.

TODAY'S NEWS UPDATE FROM MYSORE

Pigs: A Menace? Or, Not?

LOVE HURTS

No, really, it hurts.

(Thanks to Jessica R.)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND, BUT WE'RE NOT EATING IT

Snail Porridge

UH-oh

Snakes are developing legs.

And this is an area that has a history of problems with mutant wildlife

Update: Apparently this story is NOT TRUE. The snake did NOT have legs. It had fingers from a bowl of Wendy's chili.

No, seriously, it's worse than that. According to this story (which requires registration) the "legs" were NOT legs. The story states that, after the original story was published, "a few readers savvy about snakes notified the newspaper Friday morning that those legs were more than likely the reptile's sex organs, which were expelled from the body when it was tossed alive onto a pie of burning tumbleweeds."

That had to hurt.

May 17, 2005

THAT OLD ENTREPRENURIAL SPIRIT

Smile! We're on Candid Camera.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

VAGUELY OBSCENE HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Kinky.

ALSO, BEARS POOP IN THE WOODS

This bulletin just in: The French are not hugely popular.

THE GODFATHER, PART IV

Coming soon to a theater near you.

(Thanks to Honkerdude and Punky)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using ducks.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

GOOD ADVICE

If a snake bites you, try to have someone take a photo of it.

 
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