A READER'S PLEA

Dear Dave,

I am hoping you can help me...One day my spousal unit burst into song (the result of being married to me for 25 years) and chose the delightful ditty "There's a place in France." He proceeded to sing it this way:

There's a place in France
Where the naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the boys can see it all.

To which I immediately replied, "No! No! That's wrong! It goes like this:

There's a place in France
Where the ladies wear no pants
But the boys don't care
'Cause they like to see them bare.

After our usual 72-hour argument: "You're wrong!" "No, you're wrong!" it suddenly occurred to me -- maybe we're both right! Maybe there are dozens of lovely heartwarming verses. Maybe we're missing out on something really special!

Can you, great Dave Barry, send forth a request to your readers, with the hopes of enriching the arts? Can we ever really learn what transpired in the place in France?

I'm counting on you, Dave.

Your loyal friend,
Sherrie Holcomb

Hmmmm. Do you suppose poetry.com would have any of the missing verses?

Comments

[steveh924]

When I was a kid I heard the song go like this, it was right after WWII.

In the land of France
Where the women do a dance
And the dance they do
Is enough to kill a Jew
and the Jew they kill
Is enough to take a pill
And the pill they take
Is enough to fry a snake
And the snake they fry
Is enough to tell a lie
And the lie they tell
Is enough to go to hell

[rosa]

i version ive been doing for years is...

On the planet Mars
where the babies smoke cigars
and the men wear bikinis
and the women drink martinis
every step you take is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead they put mustard in his head
when the mustard dryes they put diamonds in his eyes
when the diamonds break it's 1948
FREEZE!!!
then you point at the other person

there is a hand pattern that goes with it but i cant remember it

[crasher119]

ive read all these althrough these r good this is how it really goes There's a place called France where the naked ladies dance there's a hole in the wall where the man can see it all but the men don't care cause they are all in underwear the king and queen has rubber dingiling theres a snake in the grass that will come and bite your ass friends n i also come up with "Under The Cherry Tree" song as well

[Sk8rgrl]

I learned:

There's a place called Mars
Where the ladies smoke cigars
And every puff they take
Is enough to kill a snake
When the snake is dead you put roses on its head
When the roses die
You put diamonds in its eyes
When the diamonds crack
You put mustard on its back

Don't remember the rest but I know there was nothing about a year or cake in there.

Eh, but who knows?

[Joe]

The real version, that I learned is:

There's a place in France
Where the alligators dance
One didn't dance
So they shot him in the pants
The pants that he wore
Cost a dollar thirty four

Also, to the tune of "Star Spangled Banner":

Oh say can you see
All the stink bugs on me
If you, well pick a few
And we'll have stink bug stew

[Darci]

In the land of OZ
where the women wear no bras
and the men dont care
cuz they dont wear underwear
and along came a genie
with a big fat weeny
and saidddd HEY.. "Pull down your pants"
so when the children come along
they can sing this lovely song!!

[talor]

there once was a genie with a ten foot wenie he went to show the whore next door she thought it was a snake so she cut it off with a rake and now it's only two foot four

[talor]

one sunny day in the middle of the night two dead boys got up to fight they pulled their swords and shot each other a deaf police man who heard the noise came and killed the two dead boys and if you don't believe me my story is true you can ask the blind man he saw it too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for reading everybody is awesome and if you don't like it then cry me a river build a bridge and get over it!!!!!!!:):):):):):):)bye!!!!!!!!:)):)):):):):):):):):):!!!!!!!:):):):):)

[talor]

oh and the one about the two dead boys i just heard that so it may be dirrereent if you hear it again from someone else so............. bye

oh and btw(by the way) I LOVE TALOR LAUTNER HE IS SO HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

[Mandi]

I've aways heard it:

There's a place on Mars
where the women smoke cigars
and the boys wear bikinis
and the children drink martinis
every breath they take
is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead
they put roses on its head
when the roses die
they put diamonds in its eyes
when the diamonds crack
they put mustard on its back
when the mustard fades
they call the queen of spades
and she says "FREEZE!"

[bubbles]

theres a place called mars
where the women smoke cigars
and the men wear bikinis
while the children drink martinis
every step you take
is enough to kill a snkae
when the snake is dead
you pull diamonds from his head
when the diamond fades
u must tell the king of spades
when the king of spades yells freeze

[Kaysi]

I remember this from when I was a little kid:

On the planet Mars
where the babies smoke cigars
and the men wear bikinis
and the ladies drink martinis
every step you take is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead you put mustard in its head
when the mustard dries you put diamonds in its eyes
when the diamonds break it's 1948
"FREEZE"!!!
(count to five in ur head)
Thank you very much!

[sam]

on the planet mars where the ladies smoke cigars
and the men wear suits and the children are ????.......

[kay lazury]

We used to sing it like this:

All the girls in france
they wear peanut butter pants
When they climb a pole
you can see their hiney hole

[Danii]

Theres a place in france, where the naked ladies dance, theres a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and the way they shake is enough to kill a snake, when the snake is dead they put roses in its head, when the roses die they put diamonds in there eyes when the diamonds brake, they do another shake.

[carli]

on the planet mars where the babies smoke cigars and the men wear bikinis and the children drink martinis every step they take is enough to kill a snake and when the snake then dies they put dimonds in his eyes and when the dimbonds crack they put mustard down its back and and when the mustard dry everybody closes there eyes cuz then the snake explodes and goes in papa johnny's cloths when papa john awakes he sees the dead snake he has a heartattack and almost broke his back then his wife had a stroke and everyone started drinking coke then the coke ran out and everyone was down.. i forget the rest

[Paul B]

I remember the France bit when I was a child from the 60's as such (sorry about the Jewish part but that is how I remember hearing it).

There's a place in France
Where they do a special dance
And the dance they do
Is enough to kill a Jew
And the Jew they kill
Is enough to take a pill
And the pill they take
Is enough to fry a snake
And the snake they fry
Is enough to tell a lie
And the lie they tell
Is enough to go to hell.

[Ela]

They are both ryt, it all depends on the country your from or the county's verse the first one i dint know where its from..but the second one is common in the usa...check out this site it will some you a bunch of different verses.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Streets_of_Cairo,_or_the_Poor_Little_Country_Maid

[Jessica]

I learned it as:

On the planet mars
Where the babies smoke cigars
And the boys wear bikinis
And the girls eat zucchinis
Every step you take
Is enough to kill a snake
When the snake is dead
Put some mustard on his head
When the mustard dries
Put some diamonds in his eyes
When the diamonds break
It is time to bake a cake
When the cake is done
It's 11:41
And you are O-U-T out!

[Elaine]

We always sang

There's a land called oz
where the women don't where bras
and the men don't care
'cause they don't wear underwear

[Dorothy]

In Chicago area in the early '70s, same as Chris posted on June 14, 2005.

And don't forget this prizewinner:
Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg.
Batmobile
lost a wheel
and Penguin got away!

[maddison]

theres a place in france where the naked ladies dance
theres a hole in the wall where the boys can see it all
but the boys dont care cause there in thier underwhere
the police dont shoot cause they think its kinda cute
theres a place on mars where the women smoke cigars
every breath they take is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead they put roses in its head
when the roses die they put diamonds in its eyes
when the diamonds break it is 1968-8-8-8-8

[Richard]

The Version I grew up with was

There's a place in france where the naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall where the guys can see it all
There's a king and a queen with a rubber ding a ling
There's a snake in the grass with a feather up its ass.

[ErrahM]

Hmm. Haven't seen this one pop up yet.

To the tune of God Bless America:

God bless my underwear, my only pair.
Stand beside them, and guide them,
Through the rips, through the holes, through the tears.
From the washer, to the dryer, to the clothesline in the air.
God bless my underwear, my only pair.

[ErrahM]

Hm. I've got a few lol

There's always:

I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot
I wear my flannel nightie in the winter when it's not
And sometimes in the spring,
And sometimes in the fall,
I jump between the sheets wearing nothing on at all!

Glory, glory what's it to ya?
Glory, glory what's it to ya?
Glory, glory what's it to ya?
I jump between the sheets wearing nothing on at all!

--

And as for the hand-slap game, my favorite was always:

Down by the riverside hanky-pank
Where the bullfrogs jump from bank to bank
you say Ees, Ice, Oos, Uus,
Yo' momma stinks and so do you,
So PING!
da-dun, da-dun
PONG
da-dun, da-dun
YOU ARE OUT!**

**(The ending sometimes went something like "Your daddy's name is King Kong!")

[Angie]

There's a place in France, where the ladies wear no pants and the men go around with their ding- dongs hanging down....
There's a hole in the wall, where the boys can see it all and the girls don't care cause they wear no underwear.
Well this was the version I learned..

[Eileen]

Central New Jersey 60s-70s

great green gobs of ooey gooey gopher guts mutilated monkey meat
little birdies dirty feet
all these things are very very good to eat
and I forgot my spoon

glory glory hallelujah
teacher hit me with a ruler
hid behind the door with a loaded 44
and that was the end of school

mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school
we have tortured all the teachers we have broken all the rules
tomorrow afternoon we will hang the principal
as kids go marching on

comet, it makes your teeth turn green
comet, official gasoline
comet, it makes you vomit
so get some comet, and vomit, today

[lora alexis]

i learned:
theres a place in france where the naked ladies dance theres a hole in the wall where the boys can watch it all.
and...
on the planet mars where the babies smoke cigars and the men wear bikinis and the women drink martinis. every step you take is enough to kill a snake when the snake is dead you put mustard on his head when the mustard dries you put diamonds in his eyes when the diamonds break itll be 1958 when its 1958 well all FREEZE....FREEZE.. FREEZE FREEZE.
----------------------------------------------------
as you may be able to tell NONE of these songs are exactly the same so how doo we know whos right?

[JP]

All the girls in frace,
do the hoochie coochi dance.
There's a hole in the wall,
where the boys can see it all.
But the boys don't care,
'cause they're peeing in the air.
And that's all I know,
of the naked lady dance.

[LaTrease]

its actually:

on the planet mars
where the babies smoke cigars
and the men wear bikinis
and the women drink martinis
every step i take
is enough to kill a snake
wen the snake is dead
they'll put roses on its head
wen the roses die
they'll put diamonds in its eyes
wen the diamonds break
it'll be 1998

[Josh]

On top of a school
all covered with sand
i shot my teacher
with a green rubber band
i went to her funeral
i went to her grave
some people threw roses
i threw a grenade
the principle caught me
and said i was cruel
so i took a bazooka
and blew up the school

[Josh]

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush,
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.

The mush was as tasty
As tasty could be,
And then the next summer,
It grew into a tree.

The tree was all covered,
All covered with moss,
And on it grew meatballs,
And tomato sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
Hold on to your meatball,
Whenever you sneeze.

[Annie]

Is there anyone who knows this type:There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance there's a hole in the wall so the men can see it all they walk around with there ding dongs hanging down...

[Lee]

All the girls in France do the hula-hula dance
and the dance they do is enough to kill a Jew
and the Jew they kill is enough to take a pill
and the pill they take is enough to fry a snake
and the snake they fry is enough to tell a lie
and the lie they tell is enough to hell.

[Sara]

I know a version that goes:
On the planet mars, there are ladies smoking cigars.
Every puff hey take, is enough to kill a snake.
When the snake is dead, they put roses on it's head.
When the roses die, they put rubies on it's eyes.
When the rubies break, its 1968.

[Katryna]

When I was in elementary school, back in the early, early 2000s, it went like this:

There's a place called Mars
Where the babies smoke cigars
And the ladies drink martinis
And the boys where bikinis
Every step you take
Is enough to kill a snake
When the snake is dead
You put roses on his head
When the roses die
You put diamonds in his eye
When the diamonds break
It is time
To
FREEZE.

And then you stare at the person you were singing it with to see who wins (by not moving or blinking).

[Jaime]

This is what I remember from my childhood and have taught my 11 yr. old.

Miss Lucy had a steamboat,
the steamboat had a bell.
Miss Lucy went to heaven,
the steamboat went to
Hell-o operator,
please get me number 9.
And if you disconnect me,
I'll kick you right
behind the fridgerater,
there laid a piece of glass.
Miss Lucy fell upon it,
and broke her little
Ass-k me no more questions,
and tell me no more lies.
Miss Lucy told me all of this
the day before she
dyed her hair in purple,
she dyed her hair in pink.
She dyed her hair in black and then
she warshed it down the sink.

[DAVE stillman]

we sang: all the girls in france do the hula hula dance and they don't wear pants in the southern part of france, but they do wear bushes to cover up their bushes, and they do wear grass to cover up their ass.

[Rod]

It was in Baghdad where me mother met me dad, singing Nellie put yer belly next to mine.
It was in Ceylon where the girls have nothing on , singing...etc
My dad used to sing this in the 1950s. Lancashire UK.
I think date and location are useful

[gs]

But you've missed one of the nicer ones, sung to the tune of
"take me out to the ballgame" Take me out to the hospital, take me out to my bed, buy me some medicine and pills too, i don't care if i throw up on you, it's just root root root for the doctors, if they kill you it's a shame, for it's one, two, three shots you're dead at the old hos pi i i tal....." complete with hand slapping coordinations..worse than a sailor went to sea sea sea..or ones my kids came home with..who in what backseat???????!!!!!!!!! :)

[Gayla]

OMG my mom musta created her own version.. She sang it to me like this..
"There's a man in France,
Who cud do the hoola dance.
The dance that he done,
Was written by a nun.
But the Nun cudnt dance,
So he shot her in the pants.
And the pants that she wore,
Cost a $1.94"

Now of course wtf is a nun doing wearing pants? Lol

[Murmur]

I had part of this song in my head and couldn't remember the second line, so finally went in search of it. I didn't even know if it was a well known song, but it seems it is and there are so many versions. Ours in RI went:

There's a place called Mars, where the women wear no bras. But the men don't care, cause they don't wear underwear.

(Trying to remember this line)
Where the women smoke cigars.
Every breath they take is enough to kill a snake.

When the snake is dead they put roses in it's head.
When the roses die, they put diamonds in it's eyes.

When the diamonds break it is 1998.

[Cheerful2day]

In our elementary school in the early to mid sixties, we sang it like this:
All the girls in France
Do the hoochie coochie dance.
You should see them shake,
It’s enough to kill a snake.
When the snake is dead,
You put roses by his head.
When the roses die,
You put tulips by his side.
When the tulips die,
It is 1895.

Once I sang that to my grandmother, who was born in 1894. She got a huge laugh out of that, and proceeded to sing her version of the song that she had learned during her childhood. I wish I had recorded it or written it down! Her version was surprisingly similar to mine, but what astonished me was the last line; the only line I remember:

“…it is 1825.”

[duffy dennis]

France, no pants, weenies hanging down. The essentials.
About the Moulin Rouge after American soldiers returned from the war.

[Randa]

Thanks for this post that started 17 years ago!
I was just looking for my own land of oz memory of singing this back in the 80s to be validated and scrolling through found one reader also from Toronto that shared the same version as mine!

The internet is awesome.

In the land of Oz
Where the ladies smoke cigars
Every breath they take
Is enough to kill a snake
When the snake is dead
They put roses in its head
When the roses die
That’s the end of 1979.

I remember too in the land of Oz all the ladies don’t wear bras but the men don’t care cuz they don’t wear underwear too…

[KJ]

The version of the France Song that I learned (thanks friend) goes like this

There's a place in France
Where the Naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the boys can see it all

There's an eight-foot genie
With a nine-foot wenie
And the cops don't shoot him
'Cause they think he's kinda cute

There's a King and a Queen
With a rubber ding-a-ling
....

I don't remember what came after that

I don't remember all kinds of messed up Christmas Carols.
Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Bat Mobile lost it's wheel
And the Joker got away, Hey!

Batman's in the Kitchen
Robin's in the Hall
And Joker's in the Bathroom
Peeing on the wall!

I know I've heard Deck the Halls with Gasoline before, but it was more like,
Deck the Halls with gasoline, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
Light a match and hear them scream, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Aren't you glad you played with matches

[Jackcole]

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