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May 23, 2005

24

And so, at last, we come to the night we have all been waiting so long for -- the night when, after many weeks of mounting tension, the Miami Heat and Detroit Pistons meet in the NBA playoffs.

But during timeouts and commercials I will also be tuning in to the final episode of 24, which is having its big two-hour finale tonight. The extra hour is necessary because the terrorists have chosen to attack the United States using the world's slowest nuclear missile, a HeckFire 2000 model, powered by pig flatulence (which is why they launched it from Iowa). It has been moseying toward its Secret East Coast Target City for two weeks now at the velocity of a Winnebago motor home. At times it comes to a complete stop and just hovers for a while in mid-air, like a big farting nuclear bee.

As a result, the men in charge of the federal government have had plenty of time to prepare for a nuclear attack on a major U.S. city, and they have used this time to do: nothing. Basically, they are hunkering in their bunker. They have held a couple of high-level strategy meetings, but these mainly consisted of arguments about who, exactly, should be in attendance at the high-level strategy meetings. Acting President Manilow changes his mind and his underwear about every five minutes. Acting Acting President AllState Insurance has been doing what he can, but is hampered by the fact that he keeps having to change into semi-casual attire to appear in commercials.

Meanwhile in California, Jack Bauer, having so far this season invaded 127 buildings, lost 239 fellow agents and shot 358 people in the thigh in his desperate, all-consuming, comically futile effort to capture the evil terrorist genius mastermind Home Depot shopper Marwan, finally last week managed to actually capture Marwan, and then, within a matter of minutes, using all his skill and training as an anti-terrorism agent, somehow managed to LOSE MARWAN. Yes. It was an amazing display of incompetence, even by Jack Bauer standards. So now Jack is really, really angry. It is only a matter of time before he shoots his own self in the thigh.

In other bad news, last week Tony – who had just declared to his special subplot, Michelle, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her – immediately went out and got taken hostage by Mandy The Hot Terrorist Babe. The way this happened was, Mandy The Hot Terrorist Babe told Tony to put his gun down, and Tony – a trained agent, knowing that he was confronting a ruthless terrorist who cannot be trusted and places no value on human life -- put his gun down. And if you are wondering what Tony could possibly have been thinking that would make him do something so stupid, you are a woman. Tony was thinking: "Yes, she's a terrorist. But she's also hot! If I do what she tells me, maybe later, after the nuclear missile explodes and she's free, we can go out for drinks!"

So anyway, as this week's episode begins, Marwan is once again At Large, and the Bee-Fart missile is still chugging along, and Tony is a hostage, and Jack is really mad but also still having feelings for his whiny sniveling prune subplot girlfriend Audrey, whose whiny sniveling subplot brother slept with Mandy The Hot Terrorist Chick's boyfriend (not that there's anything wrong with that) and nearly got their father, Secretary of Defense William Devane, killed.

Speaking of which: I have received an email from Jim in St. Louis, who says that he and his wife believe they may have figured out the Surprise Twist Ending:

Our bet is that Devane and Audrey are behind it all. Two main reasons: 1) all 24 conspiracies involved a Big Bad Villain and 2) Devane always sends Jack into bad situations where Marwan of Home Depot awaits. Maybe the really slow missile is headed for the bunker?!

Could this be true? Where IS the missile going? Could the missile be a diversion for some OTHER fiendish terrorist genius mastermind stroke of evilness? Will Jack be able to stop it in time? Will Audrey be eaten by ants? Wouldn't that be great? Is the Ford Big Truck Throwdown still going on? Will Chloe and Edgar finally give in to their passion, tear off each other's clothes, then log on to an internet database to find out what they're supposed to do next? ("Hang on, Edgar! I'm downloading your schematics!")

We will find out all the answers starting at 8 p.m. It will not be easy for me to keep up with the action, because, as I said, I will also be closely monitoring the Heat-Pistons game. And since my wife, a sportswriter, will be at the game, I will also be responsible for putting our daughter to bed, which means I have to pay some attention to her and tell her a bedtime story. ("Once upon a time there was a very bad man named Marwan, who...")

So I may miss large chunks of the final episode. I will do what I can to post updates here, but I am counting on you folks out there in BlogLand to do your part by posting your analyses in the comments section. Working together, we can get through this thing. And then we can get back to our lives. Although, to judge from the fact that you are reading this, neither of us has a life.

Update: Audrey is completely over the death of her subplot husband. That was, like, an hour ago.

Update: Whoa. Mandy the HTC has a gun strapped to her thigh.

Update: Mandy called Michelle!

Update: Shaq is starting. Yay!

Update: Jack is pulling the units.

Update: Mandy the HTC is very mean. But hot!

Update: Piston fans: Accept it. Dwayne Wade is GOD.

Update: Oh man. Not the China subplot again.

Update: You know that, even lying on the floor about to be executed, Tony is still thinking, "Dang, she is hot."

Update: Of course you know Mandy the HTC was not in that car, right?

Update: They just figured out that if a nuclear missile goes off in a major U.S. city, there will be, quote, "widespread panic." They just figured this out.

Update: Jack wants MORE DAMN VOLUME.

Update: Jack is ON to Mandy the HTC.

Update: Tony is using the old Trail of Blood Trick.

Update: Why is Duke Coach Mike Krzzksryzgstanxxkzzxxkrvski on so many commercials? He is a gnome.

Update: THEY GOT MANDY! If Marwan rescues her, I am going to stop watching this show.

Update: The refs are NOT calling FLAGRANT fouls against Dwayne Wade.

Update: Jack is thinking: "She's hot!"

Update: I have been informed that I have been spelling Dwyane Wade's first name wrong. I apologize.

Update: I do NOT get the Chinese subplot.

Update: Ah. The purpose of the Chinese subplot is to put Jack in Jeopardy.

Update: I probably should go find my daughter.

Update: Wow. Mandy has been a Hot Terrorist Chick for some time now.

Update: Jack is after Marwan. Again. Ho-hum.

Update: We can all relax. My daughter is in her room playing with Barbies.

Update: I can't believe Jack is going into a building without downloading the schematics.

Update: Marwan got away again. Sort of.

Update: Well that sure worked out well, granting immunity to Mandy the HTC, huh?

Update: Back to the Chinese subplot.

Update: Now OUR goverment is going to turn against Jack! Which means he is safe.

Update: Chloe expanded Edgar's parameters! The missile is heading for Los Angeles! So it's really not a problem.

Update: Somehow I don't think this is really over yet.

Update: Shaq has 13 at the half.

Update: Jack loves Audrey. Booooooooring.

Update: Thanks, Jack! Now you're going to China!

Update: Lawyer Boy wants Jack terminated.

Update: But Mike overheard Lawyer Boy. We used to think Mike was bad, but now we think he's good.

Update: I miss Marwan.

Update: CTU has a locker room! Just like a football team.

Uodate: Jack escaped!

Update: Detroit is pretty good, I have to admit.

Update: They sent ONE GUY to get Jack? Hahahahahahaha.

Update: Do we think Jack is really dead? Nah.

Update: Not Audrey! Anything but Audrey!

Update: Jack is going to Disney World!

Update: Wow, that was lame. I am proud to have been part of it.

Update: Please nobody tell my wife how late I put our daughter to bed. Thank you. See you all right here next season.

Comments

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Go Shaq!!! I love you bro!

You can count on us, Dave!

Dave- Seriously how can you keep up with this. I am totally like snooze. I mean it's the same plot every episode. Only different people get shot.
You should watch Lost it is much more suspenseful and there is some type of creature on the island.

My comment: oh.

Don't shoot your daughter in the thigh.

Yes, but Lost is fiction.

Well, duh but who wants to live in reality all the time.

Shaq ain't what he used to be. You wouldn't watch a heat game if shaq ain't what he used to be. Shaq once threw a punch at a sacramento king when he was a chicago bull. Name him?

Just remember shaq is god and you'll understand basketball perfectly dave. Just ask him.

Reality! Don't speak of it! The natives might hear you!

I was reading a magazine, and it said that the producers of 24 managed to sign the actress who plays Chloe up for another season. According to one quote, she is a "much sought after actress"
Huh.

It's the 4th quarter and rip hamilton is ripping the heat. A guy named chauncy is really satan as far as miami fans know. And shaq's tatoo is not a superman at all. It's a sign from the world of gods. Shaq's arm will be auctioned on ebay with a piece of toast with the portrait of dave. Wait, shaq moved his eyes. Everyone is better because of it. I mean him.

Okay, okay...by request...24 Haiku continues for the All-Encompassing-Super-Special-Can't-Be-Missed-Never-Before-Seen-Best-Episode-Ever Season Finale...

First, in honor of Dave (who I'm sure would wish I would just not mention him in connection with any of this):

Dave's 24 Blog
He updates very often
Longs for Ipex Bra

(Let the fun begin!)

I'm just posting an update on 24? What's 24?

My bet for the missle target is whatever city is the headquarters for Lowe's.

Luckily, I am safe, being as I'm in Atlanta, home of Marwan's evil terrorist Home Depot overlords.

P.S. Nice limerick, th.c guy

Gracias. There's more to come, so keep watching! :)

tonights shocking twist: Jack gets shot in the thigh while sitting on the toilet

Here we go kiddies!

Lotus climbs flower
As water froms new day's dew.
Jack shoots it in thigh.

Here's a timely one:

CrapCam takes picture
Look! A covert agent there!
Edgar spills beans. Dork.

Here's Naked Mandy
Takes "Soul Patch" Tony hostage
Strips him down. Lucky!

Audrey is going to run complete disaster scenarios on 20 cities including casualty rates and disaster response all by herself? That can't take longer than, what, fifteen minutes?

Scrambling doesn't foil triangulation

CrapCam alert! Watch Dave's main page!

That better not be one of those Canadian lenses!

Good thing Edgar announces his name whenever he gets a call. On the video phone!

President AllState covered Fred Flinstone's car??!

Uh-oh...the nation is in more trouble than I suspected...

Isn't it amazing on TV how everyone always has everyone else's cell phone number regardless of whether or not they have ever actually met in any way, shape, or form?

Crap! Three days before school gets out and it's a solid bet the incredibly-slow-but-remarkably-stealthy missile will land in my back yard before I can make it to Iowa which can't possibly be the target.

Uh oh, Tony. Michelle spilled the beans. Curse of the hug?

Slow moving missle.
It's On its way to somewhere.
Hopefully Canada.

I love it when Jack assumes the position.

Crap, one extra syllable in there. Well, Canadian syllables are cheaper than US ones. Sorry, folks!

After watching the entire season, I'm missing the season finale because they started it an hour early.

Do they expect that I check the website on a weekly basis to see if it's randomly deviating from its regularly-scheduled time? Damn terrorists.

She's PUTTING ON LIPSTICK!!!

Lipstick of Death! Watch out! It may overpower the Hug of Death!

Varjak, you just describe the typical day of a single Mom, leaping tall buildings in a single bound, while vanquishing evil demon counter supermen in her spare time....

Not to mention, managing a Unit full of Tin Foil Hatters. the EB.(((Spies missle flying overhead to Winterpeg)))

That's JUST my the kind of luck I'd have. Dead asleep... chillin out in the bed... suddenly: "WHOA! DUDE! Super hot chick to see you!" "YEEEEES," I would think, crawling out of bed to find my dream girl... shooting me in the head.

I wonder if President AllState covered P. Diddy in his Diet Pepsi truck. I mean, that is the first time I've seen that commercial ever.

Acting President Poopy Pants is in lurrv with Acting Acting President AllState.

Hey, maybe the missile is taking forever to reach its target because its target is Beijing.

Man! Is everybody more competent that us? This is depressing.

Did they die, or is it a diversion...?

Don't be stupid Jack! That wasn't Mandy and Tony! You moron!

Really slow missile could be nearing LA any sec...Or the NBA playoff game....Dave ...get away from the windows!

The look on Michelle's face reminded me of Anakin Skywalker's....I think she's going to become Darth Dressler, the Evil Lord of CTU!

Tony? Dead? Yeah right. Those were the remaining of the dumb neighbors. She's munching on Cheetos as we speak.

Jack! Jack! That wasn't her!

WSPSG Audrey has really muddled your brain, Jack.

I think diversion is a safe bet. Not only did they not give a clear shot of the people who entered the car (think one of them was the neighbor from the other apartment?), but most people don't choose "blow myself up" as their Plan B.

Jack catches Marwan
ImhoTerrorist escapes
Suspense kills us

I'm starting to think that maybe Jack isn't a smart guy at all. Maybe he's just REALLY REALLY good at shooting people in the thigh.

Prison Break, coming soon from Fox, the network that brought you 24.

Starring Home Depot Shopping ImhoTerrorist Marwan (catch phrase: "Meep! Meep!"). Guest starring, as the loopey prison warden, Jack Bauer.

Man, our protective custody sucks. Everyone in it either escapes, gets assassinated, or kidnapped.

I want Acting President Manilow shot more than I want Audrey shot.

Acting President Poopy Pants is SUCH a weenie.

Maybe the missle has a layover in Chicago

Oh, maybe Jack isn't so dumb after all!

Don't you think Tony maybe should have a scar or something from getting shot in the neck last season? I'd imagine that sort of thing would leave a mark.

Tony is the only competent agent they have.

Varjack: Nah...but his foot will have a nasty gash for life now!

FleaBailey - no, that would be Chloe!

why did she undress tony?

When this thing gets over and done with, I hope Edgar just goes off on EVERYBODY.

qetzal--No, Tony is The Only Competent Agent. Chloe is God.

Five bucks sez those handcuffs aren't locked...

shane: Heh. Wouldn't it be funny if next year Jack has to track down and stop Edgar? Say, from killing every elderly mother in the world in revenge for the way he lost his own?

It's spelled "Dwyane Wade," by the way.

Yeah, I dunno what's up with that either

jack saw the blood trail!

I knew she could mosh pit!

Wow, daring Jack to shoot you has to be THE stupidest move in the history of hostage negotiations.

Wow. Rare teamwork on Jack's part.

Jack's gonna shoot Tony's thigh!

Is it only raining at CTU or did Michelle park under a sprinkler system?

FleaBailey - you're right. What was I thinking?

I just hope Chloe doesn't come after me now with her machine gun.

No one EVER uses the word "SWEETHEART" any more, do they?

And Mandy's gonna be hot even AFTER Jack shoots her in the thigh.

okay does anyone else see michelle getting kim-napped in her car all alone?

Wait until President AllState finds out that Naked Mandy was the one that gave him the Handshake of Death!

(For newbies, I'm referencing the end of season 2.)

Oh dear Lord...they're back to the Chinese. Why are they not using their Evil Subtitles?!?

okay does anyone else see michelle getting kim-napped in her car all alone?

The Chinese aren't shooting him in the thigh..that's why he's not able to get away!

I am so TIRED of the Chinese.

He should have given Marwan's name.

At at time like this, King Wingbipeekaboo asks: What about Jon Lovitz?

Great. Now Jack's gonna have to shoot 2 billion Chinese in the thigh.

Oh, GREAT.

"Thanks for saving the country again, Jack. To show our appreciation, we're sending you on an all-expenses paid vacation to China. What's that? Well, yes, it's a one-way ticket. The return ticket will be waiting in your jail - err, I mean your HOTEL."

There are too many flagrant fouls in any basketball game. If the refs called them all, there would never be any random running up and down the court.

This was supposed to be for Audrey...but the plot changed after I had written it:

A single water drop
Ripples waves across surface
Michelle's tears fill sea

At a time like this, King Wingbipeekaboo remembers the days when nuclear warfare involved rocks, sticks, and holes in the ground covered by flowering shrubs.

I'm not much of a basketball fan, but it occurs to me... I expect shooting a basketball player in the thigh is a flagrant foul, but if they're not being called, just put Jack on the team and let him go nuts.

I got all four of my kids in bed in time for the big 9PM 24 event and ended up an hour late for the event! Stupid season finale planners...shoot them in the thigh.

Damn! I called this one! I knew Preside AllState would find out!

Can't find the missle
Damn "S" class, that means it's "stealth"
Or it's speed: too "S"low.

I completely missed the fact that this woman came from season 2 until tropichunt.com guy mentioned it.

president allstate's so cute when he's worried.

I think that service pack 2 has changed how my computer handles posts to the blog. I now have to hit my refresh button and delete my last comment before I can type in my next comment.

OK, so the missle's headed to LA!

Oh good, the missile is coming to LA.

jack is yelling at edgar all the way across LA

Jack shoots the helicopter in its thigh.

OK, so the missle's headed to LA!

Did Jack just shoot the helicopter in the thigh?

Did Marwan just shoot his cellphone?

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