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April 19, 2005

UPDATE ON CAPTAIN JALAL

It is now safe to hire Captain Jalal for children's birthday parties.

Key Excerpt:

Ahmed was quoted as saying, “I wasn’t impressed. He should at least even the odds by placing a poisonous adult king cobra in his mouth and try to bite its head off instead of a harmless garden snake’s.”

Al-Gharbi said: “I invite you and a photographer to come to Al-Abraj this coming Wednesday. I will accept the dare and put a cobra in my mouth and bite its head off.”

Comments

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I think he should even the odds by putting his head in a cobra's and then trying to bite it off.

Evens it up a little... he's got hands, the cobra has fangs

*Producers of Fear Factor placing a phone call.*

"Hey, don't be too hasty on turning down the King Cobra idea. If we don't use it, maybe 24 can use a clip on their show."

I have nothing on thisssssss.

What a wuss! I guess another inspired entertainer has had to kowtow to the 'man.'

Only in this case, the man is a woman.

And for the record, as a kid, I would have found a man biting the head off of a snake very cool. But then again, I may be a little twisted.

After all, I hang out here.

He's got nothing on our man Ozzie....

Remember when Bullwinkle used to try to pull a rabbit out of a hat but pulled out a roaring lion head instead? Talk about traumatizing little kids - to this day I don't wear hats.

C'mon biting the heads off of snakes? That's great entertainment! Those people wouldn't know a good time if it snuck up and bit their heads off.
This will only inspire him to do something even more stupid, like trying to catch a bullet out of the air with his teeth. Without the snake bit, he's not even a one trick pony anymore.

You know it's just like my Grandma never used to say, "One snake head in the mouth is worth two in the dessert"

Logging onto Arab web sites makes me nervous.
Am I being paranoid? Will I be on some government list? Will I get a visit from Jack Bauer?

****************************************************
We are not monitoring you people.
-The Department of Homeland Security and Stuff

Captain Kangaroo,

Now in a recent developement... this reporter has found a very distant relative of Ozzie Osborne, Al-Gharbi. When asked for a comment on the recent discovery of this snake biting relative Ozzie said" What the &%%$#%^&** the ((*&&^^%%^%^%%^%& is such a @#$#%$#@@ its just a snake big$#@@%$%$$#$ deal. Now a bat would @@#$$$#$%% impress me."

This is a good precedent-hopefully now we can start to work on stopping the beheading of all gods creatures.

...News sparked outrage among parents and animal lovers.

Sounds natural to me. If I were a snake's mother I'd be outraged too.

Now, the snake's fathers would have said, "Sservess 'em right for being caught like that. Thought I taught 'em better. Sssuposse not!"

There's no business like snake business,
Like no business I know
Especially when the snakeskin is a-peeling !
Doing everything the local laws allow!
Nowhere could have that queasy feeling,
When the snakes are still alive, somehow!

There's no people like snake people
Biting heads , is just what it takes.
Yesterday they told you that your snake's too small,
So you chomped a cobra , hood and all
Put the ER docs on speed-dial for your next call
Let's go, on with the show!

The biting the head off wasn't that bad.. it was the eating improperly cooked snake flesh. THAT is a serious violation of the Federal Department of Food.

no offense anybody, but i aint hiring al- anybody for any parties. but i'm glad he's sssstopping the ssssnake biting.

A friend sent me this email. Some of you have seen it. I thot it sorta fit in with the thread ... sorta ...

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weawy givths a thit."

queensbee,

are you prejudiced?

sean, that was punny.

When will this senseless herpetological violence end?

Captain Queeg

Captain Ahab (not the A-rab)

Captain Morton

Captain Wolf Larssen

Jason (the other one - but, was he really Captain?)

Also: Hook, Cook, Bligh, Blood, Ron, Reece, Newman (M.D.), Marvel, Hornblower ... well, you could Google the rest ... these are just from the dusty pigeonholes of my memory ...

Captain Queeg

Captain Ahab (not the A-rab)

Captain Morton

Captain Wolf Larssen

Jason (the other one - but, was he really Captain?)

Also: Hook, Cook, Bligh, Blood, Ron, Reece, Newman (M.D.), Marvel, Hornblower ... well, you could Google the rest ... these are just from the dusty pigeonholes of my memory ...

Captain Crunch ?
(seems like a good name for Captain Jalal, if he goes Hollywood and changes his name).

Lest we forget, Captains Pierce, McIntyre, and Hunnycutt.

Jeff P. --

Well, they rank in a classification that "goes without saying" ...

Was there a Captain Buffalo? Gotta Google that ... just curious ...

Sean!

Jeezly! How coulda I fergot him? (I call him Capt. Underwear to tease my grandkids ...)

I broke the story (when I was still newspapering) about a school banning the Capt. Underpants books from their library ... I shoulda remembered him !!!

Good Job!

are we just naming captains? and no ones said Kirk yet?

Big deal, I put lots of King Cobra in my mouth when I was in college.

Oh, we're not talking about "premium" Malt Liquor served in 40 oz containers?

Never mind.

Captain Morgan.

I don't know who all those other Captains are y'all are including.

You're just making them up, aren't you?

I assure you that Capt. Rafaelle and Capt. Nezvesky were quite real.

The former was ... interesting ... as an example of the Officer and Gentleman of the U.S. Army.

The latter, when I met him, had just returned, in the fall of '63, from his second tour of duty in what we lovingly came to know as South Viet Nam. Had a Ranger patch on his tunic. Looked tough. Was.

"Captain Jack Sparrow, please."

Am I LTTG?

Captain Kangaroo.

Well, I know I'm LTTG, but what about Captain Blood, Captain Beefheart and dear old Captain Pissgums? (Go ahead and Google that last one if you dare.)

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