« Previous | Main | Next »

April 25, 2005

24

Our story so far: Marwan, evil terrorist mummy genius mastermind and Home Depot customer, has once again outwitted the entire U.S. Intelligence apparatus, which turns out to be not as hard as we might have hoped, because the U.S. intelligence apparatus is constantly being distracted by subplots. Marwan's men now have gotten hold of a nuclear missile and – what is worse – a pickup truck. Jack Bauer is still doing his best to catch up to Marwan by torturing people as fast as humanly possible, but one man, acting alone, can break only so many fingers and shoot holes in only so many thighs.

Meanwhile Acting President Nervous Breakdown is in his bunker, acting nervous, perhaps because he and his top aide are always bathed in red underlighting, which suggests that everywhere they go there are unseen men crouching in front of them with red lights.

On the plus side, this week we expect to see the return of former President AllState Spokesperson. Also Dodge may still be having a Spring Sales Event. But there has been no word for two weeks on the new Victori's Secret IPEX model assault brassiere. We are, frankly, concerned.

Update: This torture thing, as it so often does with young lovers, is coming between Audrey and Jack.

Update: The terrorists have taken the missile to Iowa! So there's really no threat.

Update: The terrorists have to reconfigure the trigger mechanism to make it compatible. This will take an hour, so apparently Windows Service Pack 2 is involved.

Update: President Nervous, having to choose between catching the terrorists with the nuclear missile and catching Jack Bauer, has decided to go after Jack.

Update: This is weird. They're showing a COMMERCIAL with PRESIDENT ALLSTATE IN IT. Any minute now we could see a commercial with MARWAN. Maybe at Home Depot.

Update: Terror girlfriend got right through to Chloe on the telephone. Suuuuuure.

Update: For a nuclear terrorist, Marwan has really excellent teeth.

Update: Could our government possibly be this stupid? Hey! What am I saying?

Update: Marwan got away AGAIN. If they ever catch that guy, they should put him in charge of figuring out what to do about Social Security.

Update: Infiniti has a new car, the "M." That is a lame-ass name for a car.

Update: Dodge is still having a Spring Sales Event!

Update: I think President Nervous just wet himself.

Update: They're calling former President AllState. They must have got this idea from last week's preview of this week.

Update: They just showed a Windows commercial. Coincidence? I think not.

Update: I think Edgar and Chloe should just give in to their lust for each other and do it right on Edgar's keyboard.

Update: I think the warhead software uses iTunes.

Update: Mercedes has an "M" class. What's the deal with "M"? Is that the only letter these car manufacturers know?

Update: Oooh. Chloe is attached to a "mobile unit."

Update: Did she say they're using a "blowfish" algorithm? WAIT! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT CHLOE!

Update: Chloe can't find the car keys. What a ditz.

Update: I take that back, about Chloe. Do NOT mess with Chloe, is my advice.

Update: In next week's episode, Jack says -- and this is a direct quote -- "Let's suit up."

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

I'm so excited, I may vomit.

So wait. Is he re-employed?

So wait. Is he re-employed?

A yawn to the uninitiated. Still, always a treat to read Dave's style.

Well, I am sitting in two inches of Pennsylvania Snow....so Dodge can stick their Spring Sales Event where the ummmmmm, sorry, call it snow craziness in April. Wow, looks like that Marwan just keeps getting eviler (yep, I made that word up) and eviler!

Terrorists have the STUPIDEST ringtones!

We in the midwest are known for our hospitality and ability to hide nuclear warheads.

Is Marwan at a party?

Don't you just know that the people in Personnel are throwing their hands up and quitting right and left? I mean every five seconds someone is being hired on the spot, or fired, or re-hired or dead, etc. And does Jack know that because he was unemployed for those 5 minutes his insurance has lapsed and he doesn't qualify for COBRA since he didn't sign the paperwork and he won't be eligible for insurance for at least 60 days?

He's gonna have some 'splainin' to do.

Wow, having never actually watched the show untill tonight I was curious is Mar-Wan any relation to Obi-Wan?

Well, Jack IS easier to catch than Marwan, after all...

Where's Edgar and Chloe?!? I want some of THAT action!

And now, here's your commercial break...with some "24 Haiku" to help you pass the time!

Home Freakin' Depot
Marwan sometimes buys stuff there
Bombs, paint, whatever

Jack Bauer's hard fist
The world's best analgesic
Heals broken fingers

Marwan is at Home Depot grabbing their new Nuclear Trigger Compatability For Dummies handbook. Meanwhile Jack is packing his pockets with 9-mm ammo... we can expect gunplay before the next commercial

Terror underling's girlfriend wasted no time ratting him out

On behalf of the Iowa contingent, let me just say that, while we do not condone nuclear terrorism, we are happy to have a visiting tourist. We're very lonely.

Y'know if his girlfriend is rattin' him in so quickly...their relationship already had problems. This must not be the first time she suspected him of cheating on her with ImhoTerrorist...

These Rent-A-Possible-Sentries will be Marwan's undoing

Shots Fired!

I feel so fulfilled. I finally saw Jack shoot someone.

Ack! A Bomb!

Ack! A Bomb!

Commercial Break #2 Haiku!


Jack tells all "Trust me"
That's often the curse of death
People never learn

Edgar and Chloe
Exchange glances, "protocols"
No protection...none.

Audrey loves Bauer
Audrey's husband saves Jack's life
Audrey hates Bauer

Jack's now in Grave Danger.

Ack! A double post!

Arrest Jack? WTF? See, this just goes to show you that America is it's own worst enemy. It would be much better to let Jack catch Marwan and then say he was a black rogue agent and they had no idea what he was doing. Just ask ex-Prez Clinton - deny, deny, deny!

five'll get ya ten, they let Jack loose before the bra commercial

Oh great. NOW President Whiny Pants grows a pair.

A politician that admits responsibility?! There goes the realism....

A politician that admits responsibility?! There goes the realism....

He's going to invoke the 32nd Amendment, ceding power to the previous, insurance salesperson President

David Palmer!!!

President Whiny Pants also seems easily distracted by shiny objects.

What I don't understand is how can Jack tell CTU to "accept his resignation" when he's actually working for DOD???

Uncle Sam needs YOU, David Palmer!

Okay, President Palmer wants to meet President Logan face to face. Based on the Chloe princible set earlier this season, I bet they'll be meeting right after the commercial break.

"24 Haiku" for Commercial Break 3!

Sweaty President
Gets bad advice, gives orders
"Not what I meant to happen"

New president bad
Unsure, doubts self, calls another.
President Allstate!

The worst terrorist attack in this country's history? Has everyone forgotten season two?

M is a lame name for a car, however, some of us remember the Le' Car (spoken with a fake French accent)

The worst terrorist attack in this country's history? Has everyone forgotten season two, when the same thing happened?

I have begun to become concerned ... do you blogsters out there realize that parts of Iowa are less than five hours drive on I-29 from the Dave Barry Sewer Lift Station #16 in Grand Forks, ND ... ??!!?!?!?!?!

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A NUKE-U-LAR THINGY WILL DO TO THAT NATIONAL LANDMARK??????

IT IS TIME TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!

I have two questions:

1) Are we supposed to assume they killed Terrorist Boy?

2) Did Mitch Anderson (Evil Stealth Pilot) land somewhere, or is he still just flying around?

Girlfriend: "I think he's working with some shady people lately..."

Chloe: "You mean...terrorists?"

Possible other responses Chloe could have given, if the writers took the few extra minutes:

Chloe: "...TERRORISTS?!??! Uh...I can't handle that...this is the Counter Toddler Unit..."

or

Chloe: "...MIMES?!"

or

Chloe: "...Victoria Secret models wearing Ipex bras?!?"

or

Chloe: "...Dodge Spring sales event salesmen??!"

or

Chloe: "...creepy Sprint commercial guys?"

Okay.

So my favorite thing in tonight's episode.

"So, honey, a nuclear plant melted down, causing an insidious cloud of radioactive gas to destroy an area basically the size of Rhode Island. Air Force One has crashed, and the President is clinging to life. What do you want to do tonight?"

"I WANNA DANCE!"

An unspeakable terror attack hits the US, everyone's talking about the populace panicking, and Jack happens upon a PACKED DANCE CLUB?! I guess when you gotta boogie, you GOTTA boogie.

Sorry for the double post.

Chloe needs Edgar to "release his system"

They'll find him at the end of one of the sewer pipes.

Marwan: "I didn't kill my wife!"

Bauer: "I don't care!"

Edgar has a very oddly shaped head.

That BETTER not be one of those old recalled Pentium chips with the floating point errors...you KNOW how dangerous those things can be!!!!

I can't even get cell reception in my basement, yet they get reception in a goddamn sewer?!?

I absolutely ADORE Chloe. The office worker from hell.

I get the feeling Chloe might not live through this series. I mean, have you seen what happens to a tech-head when they go outside?

It's not pretty.

I have two questions:

1) Are we supposed to assume they killed Terrorist Boy?

2) Did Mitch Anderson (Evil Stealth Pilot) land somewhere, or is he still just flying around?

Did anyone else notice, Chloe has some Creepy eyes

Commercial Break 4 Haiku!

Chloe fights Edgar
She needs his "system" real bad
He won't give her it

> I can't even get cell reception in my basement,
> yet they get reception in a goddamn sewer?!?

That's still not as good as Mulder getting reception in an undergroud railroad car in the middle of a desert.

Chloe's first assignment...lol

Bonus haiku!

Chloe, Field Agent
CTU needs "expertise"
Chloe frowns. Whiner.

Heh-heh. Chloe's got a big ego.

Evil Stealth Pilot was shot down, they said so during the Moron Campers episode. And Chloe is toast, after that sweet little exchange with Edgar.

Wow, that Chloe is the best analyst that they have, and she's so modest too!

There was a throwaway line after Air Force One got shot down about one of the escort jets shooting down Mitch Anderson (Evil Stealth Pilot). So until he shows up again, I'm assuming he's dead.

Chloe is in extreme and immediate danger!

Meanwhile....over on Two 1/2 Men, they are having a Barry Manilow musical interlude.

But in a good way.

WHOOOOAAAA Chloe is Rambo

Again, the Chloe principle in effect. She is at the place in 5 minutes, yet help is "10 minutes away". I mean, c'mon!

CHLOE IS BAD-ASS

It's....Dirty Chloe!!!

WOW! Now that's some 24 action, Chloe with a gun!

Wow. I'm a securely heterosexual woman, and I'll admit...that was hot.

Last Haiku of night...

Edgar gives his "live link"
Chloe wants to try "two way",
Will call him later

Edgar and Chloe
Make up over cell phone call
Ew. They aren't that cute.

WAIT?! CHINA'S BEHIND THIS?!?!

Oh great. I totally ignored the previews. What's happening next week?

Hey! Apparently next week Jack is going to follow orders! Holy crap!

Angie-East coast will be incinerated, and Jack is apparently going to "suit up".

Hey, the local news anchor tells me that if I stay tuned, I can find out how a man got stuck in a trash can.

Because we need a terror-shovel to scoop up the big pile of terror doo-doo that this show has become (but in a good way, of course), at our house we like to make it a little more interesting by playing 24 Bingo. In case you want to play, here's what you do. Make a 5 x 5 grid and fill in with the following common plot points of your choice (the center square can be a TERROR-FREE SPACE):
Audrey Weeps
Tony Broods
Someone at CTU is "on it"
Someone at CTU is "ten minutes out"
Someone at CTU's overly dramatic personal life interferes with their ability to do their job
Someone at CTU makes an amazingly incompetent decision (bonus points if they make no decision at all)
Someone in the government makes an amazingly incompetent decision (bonus points if they make no decision at all)
Someone at CTU gets killed (random CTU-guys only)
A terrorist gets killed (random terrorist-guys only)
The terrorists escape through general incompetence on the part of CTU
Chloe awkwardly interrupts someone
Chloe makes an unintentional double-entendre
Jack is in extreme and immediate danger
Jack is in extreme and immediate danger of being taken into custody by his own government
Jack shoots someone
Jack shoots himself
Jack hurts someone for the good of the country
Jack hurts himself for the good of the country
Jack hurts someone's feelings
Jack hurts his romantic chances with Audrey "The Weeper" Devane
Jack somehow enlists the help of a moronic "average" citizen (bonus points if they get killed)
The use of an inane term such as football, snowball, snowplow, etc is used to describe a top-secret technological device
The terrorists possess better top-secret technological devices than the US government
The terrorists show an unhealthy interest in the Victoria Secret IPEX bra (random terrorist-guys only)
Terrorists who have lived for six years in the US in deep cover turn out to be completely unnecessary in hatching the evil terrorist plot (Ariz family only)

Etc, etc. You get the idea. At our house we also award bonus points if the tragicomic holes in the plot cause someone to shoot soda out of their nose. Also, choosing 5 or so of the above plot points makes a good drinking game (college students over 21 only).

Only college students get to play drinking games? Hardly seems fair for the rest of those over 21.

Also, how do you get 'bonus points' for BINGO?

I post the 24 update every week on the 24 forum but tonight I was denied access. They would not let me post with the objectionable language, Dave. I had to change "ass" to a$$... *sigh*

We play our bingo game naked, so I can't really say on this family-friendly blog what our bonus points entail. But you may make up whatever bonus-point-scheme you desire.

Well, just don't get too attached to Chloe, is all I'm saying.

"I did a checksum, and wrote a subroutine to confirm it".... I swear, I laughed out loud when they said this. What the heck kinda goobledy-gook is that? The writers really need to consult with some real computer folks.

Does this happen to other professions? I mean, when a plumber sees someone doing pipe work on a TV show, is it in the slightest way accurate, or do plumbers laugh at the stuff they see too?

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I spotted Evil Mummy and Home Depot Shopper Terrorist Guy (EMHDST) in "Agent Cody Banks" (that kid secret agent) while I was....er, uh... switching channels to ....something.

Anyway, he was REALLY mad in that one, and the scene I saw was when Cody Banks strapped EMHDST to some contraption that took off flying to CIA headquarters, right before the whole place blew up... the secret hideout, not the CIA.

Anyway, it appears that Jack has an ally in Agent Cody Banks. Don't be surprised if Jack uses the same trick to get Evil Mummy Guy back to CTU.

Manda,

In answer to your questions:

1) We don't know what happened to Terror Boy yet. I assume they locked him in a shed out back. Bad move, since he's an expert with a shovel.

2) Howdy Doody/David Caruso got shot down.

President Nervous does look like Richard Nixon. And his evil advisor looks like Dick Cheney.

Actually, I worked with Pres. Nervous a few years ago. He was playing a Jerry Springer type talk show host. I can't quite get past that.

Okay, so clear this up for me. I thought Jack resigned so he could torture that guy as a ploy to not get the agency in trouble.

But that was never mentioned again?

Edgar and Chloe are like children who just can't stop fighting. They are always telling on each other and trying to one up each other. I think it's time for daddy (Tony) to give them a proper punishment. But then again, do we really want to see an episode where Tony uses his belt on Edgar and tells him to play nice and give Chloe what she needs? *wink*

Once again, my all-time favorite tv show that I have never seen! Thanks to Dave and Bloggers!

Don't watch twenty-four?
Let Dave and Bloggers report!
This is not a haiku.

(seriously)

Not the girl, the movie . . . ah fuhgeddaboutit . . .

Not the girl, the movie . . . ah fuhgeddaboutit . . .

MKJ,
I see you still have the "Yips".
Might I suggest Yoga?

iggy: good idea, it is really irritating . . .

lol@Marvin...

Yoga? I thot he died at the end of the movie ... but it's been so long since I watched it ... or are we talking about Yoga leftovers here ... mebbe in a sandwich?

(Now if it was Jabba that died, there'd be plenty of him leftover for a large picnic ...)

Yoga? I thot he died at the end of the movie ... but it's been so long since I watched it ... or are we talking about Yoga leftovers here ... mebbe in a sandwich?

(Now if it was Jabba that died, there'd be plenty of him leftover for a large picnic ...)

Darn! Darn! Darn!

Also, Oops, My Bad! Gotta apologize for the misusage of the word "leftover" in prior post(s) ...

Aww, crap. I blame Windows.

Sorry about that, everyone... it just kept timing out on me...

This is weird... this whole story makes sense... gezzzz I must be from Canada eh..

This is weird... this whole story makes sense... gezzzz I must be from Canada eh..

Aww, crap. I blame Windows.

Sorry about that, everyone... it just kept timing out on me...

This is weird... this whole story makes sense... gezzzz I must be from Canada eh..

1 2 »

The comments to this entry are closed.

-
 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise