Our story so far: Marwan, evil terrorist mummy genius mastermind and Home Depot customer, has once again outwitted the entire U.S. Intelligence apparatus, which turns out to be not as hard as we might have hoped, because the U.S. intelligence apparatus is constantly being distracted by subplots. Marwan's men now have gotten hold of a nuclear missile and – what is worse – a pickup truck. Jack Bauer is still doing his best to catch up to Marwan by torturing people as fast as humanly possible, but one man, acting alone, can break only so many fingers and shoot holes in only so many thighs.
Meanwhile Acting President Nervous Breakdown is in his bunker, acting nervous, perhaps because he and his top aide are always bathed in red underlighting, which suggests that everywhere they go there are unseen men crouching in front of them with red lights.
On the plus side, this week we expect to see the return of former President AllState Spokesperson. Also Dodge may still be having a Spring Sales Event. But there has been no word for two weeks on the new Victori's Secret IPEX model assault brassiere. We are, frankly, concerned.
Update: This torture thing, as it so often does with young lovers, is coming between Audrey and Jack.
Update: The terrorists have taken the missile to Iowa! So there's really no threat.
Update: The terrorists have to reconfigure the trigger mechanism to make it compatible. This will take an hour, so apparently Windows Service Pack 2 is involved.
Update: President Nervous, having to choose between catching the terrorists with the nuclear missile and catching Jack Bauer, has decided to go after Jack.
Update: This is weird. They're showing a COMMERCIAL with PRESIDENT ALLSTATE IN IT. Any minute now we could see a commercial with MARWAN. Maybe at Home Depot.
Update: Terror girlfriend got right through to Chloe on the telephone. Suuuuuure.
Update: For a nuclear terrorist, Marwan has really excellent teeth.
Update: Could our government possibly be this stupid? Hey! What am I saying?
Update: Marwan got away AGAIN. If they ever catch that guy, they should put him in charge of figuring out what to do about Social Security.
Update: Infiniti has a new car, the "M." That is a lame-ass name for a car.
Update: Dodge is still having a Spring Sales Event!
Update: I think President Nervous just wet himself.
Update: They're calling former President AllState. They must have got this idea from last week's preview of this week.
Update: They just showed a Windows commercial. Coincidence? I think not.
Update: I think Edgar and Chloe should just give in to their lust for each other and do it right on Edgar's keyboard.
Update: I think the warhead software uses iTunes.
Update: Mercedes has an "M" class. What's the deal with "M"? Is that the only letter these car manufacturers know?
Update: Oooh. Chloe is attached to a "mobile unit."
Update: Did she say they're using a "blowfish" algorithm? WAIT! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT CHLOE!
Update: Chloe can't find the car keys. What a ditz.
Update: I take that back, about Chloe. Do NOT mess with Chloe, is my advice.
Update: In next week's episode, Jack says -- and this is a direct quote -- "Let's suit up."