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March 22, 2005


Wonder no more.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)


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The 'negative tip' idea is pure genius!

The local sewage bill is never very much ,so occasionally I pay more than the amount to avoid paying next month. Their 'past due' amount is always 10% more than the amount owed. So I get bills like Amount owed......-$20.00
Past Due Amount -$22.00

Looks like someone (besides me) has too much time on his hands.

I did like "Dunk N Donut" however.

I loved this.

"You have HD?" he asked.

"I've got HD and ADD."

How smug can you get? Hilarious!

I loved this.

"You have HD?" he asked.

"I've got HD and ADD."

How smug can you get? Hilarious!

...although, as my son has just entered the wonderful world of fast-food service, I think his pranks on minimum-wage earning high-schoolers are a bit cruel...

*sorry, this post is not funny*

insomniac: so if the sewer company doesn't pay you $20 by the due date, they then owe you $2 more?
you should try to collect.

insomniac - regarding your sewage bill. Yes, I have the same problem with my Home Depot account. Show your son this webpage so he'll be smarter than the average bear with smart-aleck customers.

insomniac - regarding your sewage bill. Yes, I have the same problem with my Home Depot account. Show your son this webpage so he'll be smarter than the average bear with smart-aleck customers.

exactly ! If I amass enough credit, I'll be able to pay my bill off the 10% extra past due credit and never touch my principal! (something you don't want to do, dealing with sewage) Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!

sorry . . . sorry
about . . . about
double-post . . . double-post
too much caffeine today?

THIS is exactly the reason why I no longer use any type of plastic, not even debit cards.

*goes to bomb shelter to make sure supplies are all still accounted for before the end of the world*

Hmmm, Lookie what I just found in the trash can.

Transaction No.
Dave Barry- Gaurantee to get Posted on My Blog

Date: 3/22/05 10:16 AM

Card Type: American Expresso
Card No: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Card Exp: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Auth: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Total: $3.09 plus, the soul of eight yellowish snakes

I agree to play the above amount on an accordion
before the card tissuer arguement.

Sign below:

X Claire Martin
Claire Martin


very informational, actually. but i have a funny story [well, i hope so] in the distant past, in a store called caldor's [located in a large mall just outside of the NY state capital], the cashiers actually did check signatures: unfortunately, at the wrong time. I used my credit card, and as i handed it to the cashier, I realized that it was a new card and needed to be signed. so, I signed it, and then signed the receipt, as the cashier handed it to me. She then compared the signatures. She had watched me sign both. either she was on auto-pilot, or, well,.. anyway, my friend and i held it back until we got outside, where we laughed for at least 5 minutes solid.

My daughter once used my checking account (without my permission) to buy some big-ticket item. Her name was not on my account or on the check, yet she signed her name to it and no one noticed.

I was quite irate when I called the bank to protest. They said that if the store didn't check the signature, then it was valid. They didn't care.

See why I'm broke?

on Jay Leno's 'Headlines' last night, in the fine print on a car rental agreement , it said "I promise to sing my car rental agreement."

Am I the only person in retail (well, I used to be in retail...) that actually checks credit card signatures?

Man! Accumulated over the years I estimate I've spent over 900 hours, or however many days that is, signing credit card receipts. What a waste of my valuable time. Time that could have been spent in a much better occupation, like eating cheetos, or breaking wind.

rita - besides being broke, are you now childless?
* wicked grin *

I have signed all my credit cards with "Ask for photo I.D." Whenever they ask (whether they've read my credit card or not), I'll thank them for taking the time to check. And if the clerk doesn't ask, I point it out to them.

I don't sign any of my cards. Without having done the extensive research, I sortof figured no one really checked the authenticity of the signature, so if you have not signed your card, they check ID, which seems better to me.

I realize a thief can pretty easily make a fake ID, but that probably buys me an extra day to get things cancelled, at least.

Only once has my strategy failed - at the Indiana DMV, which ISSUED MY LICENSE, WHICH IS MY ID. They would not honor my credit card UNLESS I signed it. I explained to them that I do not sign it so that retailers will check ID, and they insisted that their policy requires a signed card. My argument that they, of all people, know that my identity is valid since THEY ISSUED MY ID, went nowhere, and I was forced to kill everyone.

Back in high school, when I worked in retail (selling fire to the Cro Magnons), I recall a couple of guys coming in, picking up a few things, starting for my line, and one of them saying to the other, not whispering, "Not her line, man. She checks the back of the card."

Duh. If I do that much, and I hear you talking about it, do you think I'm not also going to push the little button to call Security?

(Yes, we had little buttons to call Security. We just didn't have wheels yet.)

That guy is a nut!...did you see the All-Natural Prank???...OMG!.

I think I hurt myself trying not to laugh out loud. This not being 'allowed' to blurk at work sucks.
And stifling laughter causes cramps.


thanks for the confession.

I tried the same sort of experiment. When I got arrested for wearing cheese dip on my head, I drew a Mr. Potato Head instead of fingerprints. It didn't go so well.

The All-Natural Prank was definitely looney. This person is certifiable...
That is, a certifiable His Daveness type nut.
I think he needs a reality type television show. Or, he could be the "Ken Jennings" of "Fear Factor" and take on all challengers.

This is a hilarious site - Read his Turnpike Experience!

MOTW - a friend of mine once wrote ask for photo ID on the back of one of my credit cards - I was furious, because I'm too impatient to add an extra step to paying for merchandise - However, Not ONE cashier ever noticed OR asked!

I can't stop reading these. There are tears streaming down my face and I may have just wet myself. Omg.
I've also been seriously busted for surfing before my lunch hour
p.s... read the natural foods one.

I once had some blank checks stolen by a painting contractor. He took them to MY BANK, made them out to cash and signed a name which wasn't on the check OR the signature card.

My statement arrived with the cancelled checks, and there I was, all "Who's Steve, and why did you give him my money?".

Hubby, smarty pants that he is, has used with success:

Juan Valdez - at coffee shop
Luciano Pavarotti - at Italian restaurant
Ho Chi Min - at Vietnamese restaurant
Who Flung Dung - at Chinese restaurant
Seymour Butts - anywhere

Of course, his signature is illegible normally.

Jim W - the same thing happened to me and the guy printed his nameon the signature line, took it to my bank, and they cashed it!


I will never sign my given name again! I've been at his site for an hour now just reading the different stories. This guy is funny.
It's no surprise to me that His Daveness is the one to introduce us.
Thanks Dave. :)

I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

When I was a student at FSU in the sixties, I heard the following story in a class on banking and finance.

It seems that a particular fraud against local banks was taking place accross the State of Florida. A gentleman would enter a bank and set up a commercial checking account. The gentleman would tell the bank officer recording the relevant company information that his company was new to town and that the business would be making multiple deposits and withdrawls every day and he would be unable to wait until the bank could provide him with pre-printed deposit forms. So he asked for 100 pre-printed forms. As was customary in those days, banks would provide new customers with a few blank deposits slips, with the customers relevant bank routing number and account number printed below a series of small, empty rectangles. These deposit slips were identical to the blank deposit slips the bank provided at various writing stands throught the lobby.However, the blank forms had no pre-printed account numbers. These blank deposit forms were provided as a curtesy to their customers.
Well, this gentleman, took his deposit slips and mixed them in with the blank forms at the writing stands.
When a customer entered the bank to make a deposit and they did not have a pre-printed deposit form, they would go to the writing stand, fill in those small rectangular boxes with their account number. Present the deposit and deposit form to the teller, det their receipt and leave. Most banks had transitioned to some form of electrical character readers by then, so the deposit form would be run throught the system and the character reader would note the pre-printed information (bank routing number and account number), ignoring the hand printed information in those small rectangular boxes. This deposit was then credited to the scam artist account. He would then make withdrawls two, three sometimes four times a day. After about two weeks, he would just disappear. By that time irate depositors were complaining to the bank that the bank had not properly credited their accounts, since the customer's checks were bouncing.
Anyway, the reason I thought of this story was the use of false names when signing credit card receipts. The name this scam artist used was Ulysess R. Stuck. He signed his name
on the bank account application...

U R Stuck

igloo - I wonder if U R Stuck had anything to do with this Florida lottery check being returned 'account not found'.
* warning: bad grammar in article *

igloo - I wonder if U R Stuck had anything to do with this Florida lottery check being returned 'account not found'.
* warning: bad grammar in article *

I says I ain't fixin' ta play no lottery!

oh, my... that woman was not going to appear in any ads for the Florida lottery anyway...

From today's Huntington Herald-Dispatch in an article about changing the odds in the Powerball(tm thingy) game to get more people to play:

"Gail Howard, a lottery expert from Las Vegas, said higher jackpots may not be answer.
" 'The people, they're getting used to having these $200 million, $300 million jackpots,' Howard said. 'Pretty soon it will take a half-billion-dollar jackpot to get even a welfare recipient out of the house to buy a ticket.' "

Do I detect just a hint of contempt there?

Um, Christobol, I hate to burst your (not you're) bubble, but (not butt) if you leave your signature line blank, the theives (not theifs) will not be spending time making fake I.D.'s. They will sign the back in their (not there) handwriting with your name and go to town.

I love the credit card company's ad on the first page of that link...

The original link, that is. Not the lottery link.

Whoops. I think we just killed the server.

When I worked in food service, I always checked the credit card signature. Always. And I checked for ID if the signature had worn off or was different. I had to hold a card once because the credit card machine told me to. The guy was pissed but hey not my fault. I would also refuse a check from someone if their 5 credit cards were declined.

I know, I'm one of few. We had people who had notes in their file not to accept check from, and if it was anyone below management they would accept it anyway. Well, there was one person that didn't but the rest didn't care.

But why, if the credit card companies don't care, would they refuse my ~$400 charge for a new video card? Then after they called me and verified that it was not a fraudulent charge, they let the charge sit there without actually letting it go through? And then, since the card expired that month the charge just didn't go through. Sucks, too, because I couldn't find that nice of a deal on that nice of a video card again.

One time a clerk actually checked to see if the signatures matched. Since the sig on the card was with a felt tip pen compared to the ballpoint pen sig on the receipt, she felt that they didn’t match and asked to see my driver’s license. Of course I had forgotten at home and had to go back and get it. When I walked back into the store all the clerks started whispering amongst themselves “oh my god she actually came back”. If I had stolen someone’s credit card, I don’t think I’d have wasted it on junk at Pier One

John Hargrave has long been one of my favorite people on the internet. He should write more.

Huh. That sounds familiar...

Yeah, D'art, it does appear that her uhm, calendar, has been ahm, filled, in a manner of speaking.

It's important not to sign in a weird color too

My bank card was stolen 2 weeks before Christmas last year. My entire account was wiped out...Xmas bonus, last check of the year, everything. The only 2 people on my list that I had not yet shopped for were the 2 people that matter most to me in the world...my children. I am a middle aged white chick with the driver's license to prove it. The lady that stole my card was a 22 year old female of a very different ethnic background. If one single solitary person at the 12 stores that she hit had asked for identification of any kind, she would have been busted. Instead, she made off with over $1200 in free merchandise. Luckily, the company I work for helped me and the bank eventually gave me my money back, but it was very traumatic at the time, given the time of year. I ALWAYS show my ID when I use my bank card whether they ask for it or not and then give 'em a good ole fashioned a$$ chewing for not asking for identification to begin with.

I work in retail... in fact, I'm there right now. Working very hard, as you can tell.
Here's what I do when I have to ring someone up and they use plastic. I check to see if the name on the card matches the sex of the person handing it to me. If it does, that's good enough for me. Signed or unsigned. I work at a college bookstore and people give their kids their cards all the time for books. I used to require faxed authorization with a signature, but that got to be a hassle and it really isn't any more secure.
As for the signed receipt, at the end of the night we put them with the day's paperwork and at the end of the week we put them in a cardboard box. At the end of the year, we shred them.
The signature is a "just in case." Just in case the credit card company needs verification. They would otherwise never see it. Especially after I cut it into a million pieces.

MKJ !!!!
You have done it again ! ROTFLMAO !!!!
Well done !!!

Well done.
Interesting how it only takes one little touch to make it larger!


36 colors???? Must be from the guy who played "ring around the member".

Hey. at least its new.

Wow, that was just beautiful! The world needs mor gonzo comedy like that. Favorite line:
"Then I put on a suit, because you can get away with anything if you're wearing a suit. Suits lie."

Although it took 5 years to read the entire article. It was sooo funny. And extremely true. My husband once lost his visa check card and the thieves first did a small purchase then spent $50 bucks at an Italian restaurant.

Rita, et alii

My Bride worked in a bank for several years, and that "you're stuck" concept doesn't sound correct ... tho @ my age, the memory banks are pretty cluttered with useless trivia ... I seem to remember something about that concept that makes this premise ring not-quite-true

I DO know however, that the AG in Nodak (a few years ago) handed down a legal opinion r.e. those who take checks with/without checking ID ... essentially, he said that if the store did not check an ID when the payment was accepted, the AG's office would not prosecute the perp for forgery and/or theft or whatever ...

Mebbe that policy answers the above question?

NEway, it's not uncommon to have your ID compared when writing a check in Nodak ... not a regular thing ... but not uncommon ... and MOST businesses have an "official check policy" card somewhere near the checkout summarizing that AG announcement ...

Besides which, I get my ID checked fairly often (maybe 10 percent of the time?) when using my CC or DC ... whenever a clerk checks my ID, I thank them ...

And yes, to agree with most of the folks here, not enuf clerks pay enuf attention ... so much for security ...

On a more somber note: A friend from my hometown was kidnapped and eventually murdered by a pair of sh!t @sses ... and they continued to use her CC even after she was killed in the Nevada desert ... If only ONE of those clerks had checked an ID on the CC purchases, they might have been stopped before she died ...

sorry, this one got long, and still isn't funny ...

A P.S. to that last paragraph ...

The electronics/software we see in action every day to "authorize" or "approve" our CC usage was developed specifically in that case, when the cops went to the CC company and asked them if they could track use of a single credit card ... to enable them to react faster, in hopes of catching the perps ...

The CC company did, and it worked ... it's how the cops eventually caught them ...

(But clerks still don't check IDs ...)

"...he couldn't produce a receipt...but he could easily produce one..."

The first "produce" should be "find." Clearly, I forgot my meds today. Sorry.

U.O. -- Sorry to hear about that. Um...if I had anything to do with it, there'd be a nat'l consumer ID protection act requiring a check by law. Has this occurred to anyone else, or can I still become a revolutionary politician 10 years from now?

Alex - tnx

Hell, boy! You can become a revolutionary politician right now! (Unless you're a girl ... then it's "Hell, girl!")

There haven't been any "revolutionary" ones in a long time ... we could use some new thinking, and some new blood ... mebbe this is why we become disenchanted with the selections on the menu ...?

My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately, I'm only 19 and too busy with an engineering degree to do anything right now.

OK...make that 5 years to running for office -- when I'm old enough to be a congressperson. (Yeah...the 10 years was from when I was 15. Apparently I've let go of neither the dream nor the attached statements.)

Well, I'd be inclined to think that an engineer in Congress would be better than another lawyer ...

altho the last engineer I can think of who ran for (major, national) office was Herbert Hoover ... but I'm not one of those who blame him for the Great Depression ...

just ramblin' here ...

D'Art ... I'm pregnant?! Crap. Another damn immaculate conception. Unless my vibrator is more talented than I thought ....


Dang it! I love Dave's Blog, and I love Zug, but I think Dave's link crashed the Zug server. Phooey! Gosh darn it all to heck.

Okay, I'm done.

It worked fine this morning, but not anymore. Maybe they're updating the site?

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