CULTURE UPDATE

Spring Break Shark Attack is on tonight, and, tragically, I'm going to miss it. If you watch, please feel free to post plot details in the comments section below. I'm dying to find out the answers to such burning questions as:

1. Will there be lots of gratuitous shots of attractive babes in skimpy bikinis?

2. Or will some of them be wearing skimpy one-piece suits?

3. Will an actor actually deliver the following line: "Don't be the boy who cried shark"?

Comments

[Steve]

I think we'll see Jack Bower yell "Get out of the water NOW!" and shoot a couple of sharks.

[Sam G.]

Ooh, second! Best I've ever done!

[Sam G.]

Ok, for an actual post: I'm sorry Dave, but I think I'll have to miss it. I know that it's bound to be a part of TV history, but, you know, The Simpsons are on, so I'll have to miss it. Maybe I'll just make some stuff up to tell you. If I post something, don't count on it being remotely true.

[D'Artagnan]

Spring Shark, Break Attack. Now there's a great name for a superfluous fun, alcohol and suspense-filled Spring Break flick.

[Uncle Omar]

Now for an update on the movie Spring Break Shark Attack ...

As the opening credits roll, we are taken back to our collective memory of other shark movies, by what is plainly a rip-off of Jaws ... the theme music ...

What?

Oh, you expect me to watch it before I comment?

Nah. Too much trouble.

[Brad]

What a coincidence!! We finally had one of our first nice days of the year in So Cal last week, so I packed up the dog and headed to Huntington Beach. As I was walking the dog down the beach chatting with some people who brought their dogs to enjoy the same nice day... the thought occured to me... could I yell "SHARK!!" loud enough to scare all the surfers back on shore. I concluded that yes, I probably could, but I would probably get my ass kicked too. The waves were nice. Discretion got the better of me.

[Balanchine]

There's a fairly droll review of this epic in today's Miami Herald. I'd put a link to it here if I knew how to do that, and if the paper didn't require an online subscription to read articles, and, oh, forget it. I'm useless. Everybody always says that. I'm going in the ocean now and I'm just gonna swim out until I get tired.

[Ms. V]

Come on guys. Please watch it. I'm in it. It was the only way I could come into close contact with a shark. And they didn't even use real ones...

*digs a hole in the ground to hide in shame*

[insomniac]

will it 'jump the shark' before the first commercial? (hard to do for a movie)

[Danno]

Sheesh Dave, first all those episodes of 24, now Spring Break Shark Attack... when are you gonna get a TiVo hombre?

[Ms. V]

BTW, thanks for the tips Uncle Omar. Hope I survive...

[insomniac]

("School's Out" ) (Alice Cooper)

Well, sharks got some choice
Eating girls or boys
Do freshmen make more noise?
Will seniors lose their poise?

Well, if the sharks get to you
Might break your skin
Just be sure you've tattooed
Your next of kin!

Spring Break Shark At-tack!
Sharks in formation!
Sharks clean up the gene pool!

No more sunblock, no more drinking, no more sleeping on the beach...

We'll show t**s and a**
'Cause we've got just one principle
To hold your interest,
And that's 'Remember Janet Jackson!'

Spring Break Shark At-tack!!
It's cheap and gaudy!
If you thought 'Jaws' highbrow,
You'll love this 'cum laude'!

No more sunblock, no more skanking
Just stay home, improve your ranking..

[Eleanor]

Here is the review from the Washington Post - it's a register site, but it's very, very funny! Maybe someone has a bugmenot something or other....

Way to go, insom:)

[Dave (not Barry.. calm down)]

Brad- you were in the neighborhood and you didn't stop in to say HI? :-(

Dave in HB

[U.O.]

Ms. V --
From what I see in your post (above), I think you'll do just fine ...

So, you're in it, huh?

Whom do I look for? Babalicious? Crowd scene? Lifeguard? Porpoise? One-piece or Bikini?

(Hey, just 'cuz I'm old doesn't mean I can't appreciate looking at pretty ladies ... I just can't remember why, any more ...)

[Poop Dogg]

Obviously, Dave didn't even bother to look at the silde show to see if there would "be lots of gratuitous shots of attractive babes in skimpy bikinis."

[sj]

well, dave, turns out the sharks wore bikinis.

and they had to cut some scenes because of the explicit nature of the remora relationships.

[golfwidow]

I can't watch this shark thing. It'll cut into the Celebrity Roast of Jeff Foxworthy.

[Bryce]

20 minutes in and still nobody under the age of 40 has died ... other than that, the plot is awesome (red-headed virgin looking for Mr. Right at Spring Break, animatronic sharks attacking surgically-enhanced housewives, Newt Gingrich shower scene, etc.), the dialogue not the least bit forced ("Excuse me, have you seen my pants?" "As a matter of fact, they're right here by my virginity that I'm planning on losing to you RIGHT NOW. Oops, I tripped onto your crotch. Do me." *heavy moaning*) and the storyline incredibly unpredictable (wait, the SHARKS are going to ATTACK? I did NOT see that coming). I guess what I'm trying to say is: "SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK RULES!!"

Proposed sequel: Christmas Vacation Shark Attack 2: Electric Boogaloo

[Marvin]

HILARIOUS MOMENT SPOILER:

haha, a shark dragged a guy underwater, and I guess he exploded because a giant bloody air bubble came up a few seconds later.

[Bryce]

Actually, no he just farted. Check the "TINT" setting on your TV.

[philintexas]

just tuned in.... watch it lady! The shark in the surfer shirt has roofies!

[SchadeBoy]

So, does someone kill all the sharks by inserting a bunch of airtanks into their mouths and then shoot each one, or do they electrocute them all?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Life is too short.

Did Bryan Brown & Kathy Baker need the money that bad? Couldn't they make it in a more respectable way, like selling drugs, or their bodies?

[Bryce]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone. I thought the SHARKS were supposed to be on Spring break. Now I'm confused.

[Adam Endwright]

Yep...he totally said "don't be the boy who cried shark"...This movie has hit cheese factor 9.

[Bryce]

OH. MY. GOD.
Dave, some guy actually just delivered the line:
"Don't be the boy who cried shark."
It ACTUALLY happened.
On a totally unrelated note, I dress up in women's clothing from time to time.

[everysandwich]

*unrelated* --hah!

[Bryce]

You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to think maybe Dave wrote Spring Break Shark Attack. I mean, first off, he calls the "Don't be the boy who cried shark" line and then he says, "Be sure to watch it." All the signs are pointing to him:
1. It's funny
2. It has boobies.
3. There are lots of squid wranglers (not pictured, but we all know they're there)
4. I'm pretty sure a toilet will explode at any time.
5. It has a hunky underappreciated guy who wears cut off flannel shirts in 90-degree South Florida weather.

We're onto you, Barry.

[Adam Endwright]

It needs more #2...and a band called #3

[U.O.]

Jeezly --

Youse guys has spoiled it for me ... I still don't know for sure if I'm reading this right, but the movie starts @ 9:00 p.m. --- correct?

Well, it's 8:25 out here in the PST, and it isn't even on yet!

Man oh man ... now I gotta watch it ...

[adiebugg]

Oh man, it was pretty bad. I was watching "Cold Case" and SB Shark Attack came on right after and I just kept watching. I am so bad about that. But I wanted to see how it ended, even though I was sitting there the whole time thinking this is soooo stupid.

[U.O.]

SHHHHH!!!
It's starting! Don't bother me!

[daisyj]

I am Tivoing it as we speak. (Or blog. Whatever.)

[Bangi]

D'Art..Spring Shark sounds like a dish served at a Chinese restaurant... like Spring Chicken

[teleologist]

E - that would be Whattsamatta U

[Marvin]

The main character lady was on spring break from some school she went to from home. Brother guy was doing research for his shark studies. The main girl's love interest wasn't in college. He was still working. Everyone else was on break, though. Does anyone have any reviews of this? From 'professional' reviewers? Not like anyone will read this thread anymore...

[Jeff Meyerson]

everysandwich: I couldn't figure out the speargun through the dude's shoulder either, but I guess you were too busy watching her cleavage (not that there's anything wrong with that) to see her TAKE OFF THE TIP WITH THE BARB before she pulled the rest of the spear out. I think.

And Dave, since you missed it you obviously missed the preview. Coming to CBS April 24:

LOCUSTS!

I swear I am not making this up!

[Marvin]

Heck of a time for a simulpost...

Yeah, Jeff, she lopped off the tip with one of those little wire strippers (though you'd think that would make harpoon tips a little stronger than that). I didn't actually see her do it, though. I just saw her take out wire strippers from the toolbox and thinking, what good is that going to do? Then she got out a handkerchief and it looked like she just snapped off the tip with her bare hands.
That guy got over the whole harpoon-in-the-shoulder pretty quick as well, as evidenced by him lowering her into the water with his BAD arm.

[Bryan Brown]

I must apologize for the worst line of the movie and for the worst delivery of a line in the movie. I told them it would be plain stupid for me to be muttering out loud to no one in particular "it's all wrong; it wasn't supposed to happen like this". They may have listened to me if I weren't Australian.

Please remember that I was in "FX" and "FX2".

BB

[Jeff Meyerson]

Marvin, exactly. One minute it was there and the next she had the tip off and the spear out. And I noticed his bleeding stopped almost immediately along with the pain. OK, so it wasn't a documentary but still. At least Mr. Roofie and his buddy got their just desserts... or they were the sharks' just desserts.

[Jen]

Three questions:
1) How How many people have to get
eaten before we decide to get out of the water? 2) And how many of us
get alcohol poisoning before the underage drinking stops?
3)And really, can we teenage girls manage to summon up the God-given modesty to
wear more than what appears to be one of grandma's teacup doilies throughout our Spring Break extravaganza?

[Jen]

Three questions:
1) How How many people have to get
eaten before we decide to get out of the water? 2) And how many of us
get alcohol poisoning before the underage drinking stops?
3)And really, can we teenage girls manage to summon up the God-given modesty to
wear more than what appears to be one of grandma's teacup doilies throughout our Spring Break extravaganza?

[Jen]

Three questions:
1) How How many people have to get
eaten before we decide to get out of the water? 2) And how many of us
get alcohol poisoning before the underage drinking stops?
3)And really, can we teenage girls manage to summon up the God-given modesty to
wear more than what appears to be one of grandma's teacup doilies throughout our Spring Break extravaganza?

[sensi]

well...i cant believe I am in the elite group who watched this flick.
I have (Adult Attention Deficeit), only respond to movies at the theater due to the large screen/quiet surroundings...but last nite ...as i flicked the channels got "hooked" by the giant sharks and goofey acting... i actually watched the last 45mins non stop...wow ...my beach experience will never be the same...
sharks will always rule the sea ..........sensi/05

[sensi]

well...i cant believe I am in the elite group who watched this flick.
I have (Adult Attention Deficeit), only respond to movies at the theater due to the large screen/quiet surroundings...but last nite ...as i flicked the channels got "hooked" by the giant sharks and goofey acting... i actually watched the last 45mins non stop...wow ...my beach experience will never be the same...
sharks will always rule the sea ..........sensi/05

[sensi]

well...i cant believe I am in the elite group who watched this flick.
I have (Adult Attention Deficeit), only respond to movies at the theater due to the large screen/quiet surroundings...but last nite ...as i flicked the channels got "hooked" by the giant sharks and goofey acting... i actually watched the last 45mins non stop...wow ...my beach experience will never be the same...
sharks will always rule the sea ..........sensi/05

[sensi]

well...i cant believe I am in the elite group who watched this flick.
I have (Adult Attention Deficeit), only respond to movies at the theater due to the large screen/quiet surroundings...but last nite ...as i flicked the channels got "hooked" by the giant sharks and goofey acting... i actually watched the last 45mins non stop...wow ...my beach experience will never be the same...
sharks will always rule the sea ..........sensi/05

[sensi]

well...i cant believe I am in the elite group who watched this flick.
I have (Adult Attention Deficeit), only respond to movies at the theater due to the large screen/quiet surroundings...but last nite ...as i flicked the channels got "hooked" by the giant sharks and goofey acting... i actually watched the last 45mins non stop...wow ...my beach experience will never be the same...
sharks will always rule the sea ..........sensi/05

[Marvin]

I think those answers were answered in a very unarguable way, Jen:
1) 13
2) Trick question. Underage drinking is a fact of life and accepted as an acceptable activity by such noteworthy organizations as CBS, Girls Gone Wild!, and stretching the limits if 'noteworthy' here, Jenna Bush.
3) Only if there is an extensive strip scene later in the program.

[everysanwich]

Jeff -- Well, both my wife and rewatched the scene to study the spear removal process. So if what you say is true, we were both distracted by the cleavage -- repeatedly. Uh-oh.

[Jeff Meyerson]

every: not that there's anything wrong with that.

And since I sent this in this morning but Dave thought it more important to share Claire Martin's latest, here you go:

Locusts!

[Andrea]

As Jeff mentioned, I do think the ad for locusts may have been one of the highlights of the entire show...although the "I've got five...wait scratch that....6" line where the scientist takes huge headless turtles out of the water comes pretty close...

[Jeff Meyerson]

Sorry about that. One more try:

Locusts!

[¿wysiwyg? (MBE-LP)]

Actually, I don't think you have to go much further than the banner at the top of the web site to answer Question #1....

[squidward01]

I was rooting for the sharks the whole time!!

[daisyj]

I'm finally getting around to watching this thing and I have to say, so far it's everything I could have hoped for. Unfortunately, the camera man seems to have some kind of deformity that prevents him from filming girls above the neck. Also, they keep putting odd moments of 'intense family drama' inbetween the butt shots.

[daisyj]

This movie's idea of subtlty: the 'bad boys' wear shark's tooth necklaces.

[daisyj]

Okay, it's 24 minutes in, no one has been eaten by a shark and the heroine is talking about how she really wants to be an anthropologist. This thing had better pick up soon.

[daisyj]

Okay, never mind- the slutty girl and the cheating boyfriend just got eaten.

[Marvin]

Wasn't it hilarious when that bloody air bubble came up, daisy? Talk about realistic!

[daisyj]

Somehow, I don't think that attempted date rape is really an appropriate subject for a movie call 'Spring Break Shark Attack'. I'm just saying.

[Marvin]

I know! And it was such a big part of the movie! Aw, man, if I say anything else it'll ruin it for you. Well, not like everyone else hasn't given everything away already...

[daisyj]

Sorry Marvin, that last comment wasn't directed at you. And yeah, that bubble was pretty great. I didn't realize that sharks used dynamite fishing.

Also here's a gem of a bit of dialogue I just heard:
"Do you think it will work?"
"It's a long shot."

All that and an evil developer too!

[daisyj]

Hey you know that scene in Jaws? The one where they stick the bouy in the shark and the cable runs all the way out and then it starts pulling the boat? Yep, they used that. Only this time the Roy Scheider character is played by a twenty-year-old with prominant boobs.

[Marvin]

I'm always amazed that the people just sit there watching the wire get pulled out further and further, and then scream or act surprised when it runs out. DUH! And if she could cut the tip of the barb off with those puny wire strippers, why couldn't she cut the darned wire?

It is sad that this movie was so terribly predictable.

[Marvin]

And this movie was definitely more Spring Break than Shark Attack. there was only one major attack scene, and only...3? isolated incidents leading up to the frenzy. And then nothing was resolved! The sharks are still out there! Unless that moronic '6 point system' had the juice to send the signal (or whatever it was, I didn't catch the purpose of those things until the very end when they accomplished their purpose) far enough, the sharks only swam away from the boat.
My proposed dialogue for when the coast guard shows up:
Boobgirl: "Hey! About time you guys showed up! Everyone's already been eaten and we saved the day. Now I'm going to go pout and hit on wounded moral man on shore"
Coast Guard: "You have a license for that unmotorized boat?"
Dork: "What?"
Coast Guard: "Let's see your permit! And where are the paddles?!"
Dork: "The sharks stole my motors! I had two!"
CG: "Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. All right, you're coming to shore with us"
Dork: "Sweet!"
CG: "Not you, just the girl."
---------------------------------------------
And did Australian guy get arrested? He was just standing there talking to moral-boy's mom, and then she walked away. I saw the police man standing nearby (no distracting cleavage or good dialogue in that scene), but he wasn't paying attention.

[daisyj]

Yeah, I'd like to see a shark movie where people acted like, I don't know, actual people. Wouldn't it be funny if the local businesses started promoting shark tours and swimming with the sharks? With the appropriate liability releases, of course.

[daisyj]

Okay, one last thing. I know it's kind of like complaining about chipped glassware on the Titanic, but did you notice that the (American) girl's (American, presumably) brother had a barely concealed Austrailian accent? That's quality filmmaking right there.

[Marvin]

well, he has been away from home for a long time. And he is associated with that other foreign dude who uttered the best line ("don't be the boy who cried shark"), so maybe the influence was showing. Wait, what am I doing? Defending?! Argh! They look nothing alike! His bone structure is so totally different! The mom probably slept around just like the dad! He has a crush on his 'sister'!

And it was amusing that she skipped going to build homes for 'Habitat for Humanity' in order to go see her friends and party. Good lesson right there.
"I can go to Idaho later, Dad"

[Daniel aus Waldshut]

I think to taht this movie was definitely more Spring Break than Shark Attack. Greatings from europe.