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February 22, 2005

WAIT JUST A DARNED MINUTE

I am attempting to prepare dinner here, and I note with alarm that virtually every food product in our kitchen has a statement on the label declaring the level of "trans fats." Are "trans fats" bad? When did they become important? Does this mean we can stop worrying about "carbs?"

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Dave, trust me: trans-fats make carbs look like a day at the beach. AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS.

End of medical message.

I'm going to come back to this entry tomorrow, just to count the "sexually ambiguous fat" jokes.

trans fats = farts ants=starts fan

Dave, At this point in my life...I could give a rat's _ss....everything's gonna kill me, especially the stuff I enjoy, so, what the h_ll...gonna enjoy it while I can! Just my clinically depressed opinion!!

You know, I went to Spain in September.

When I came back in December, everything I ate had lables of "No Trans Fat"

I had no idea what was going on. I still don't. However, I don't think I've eaten anything with Trans Fat in it.

But to be on the safe side, i've only eaten paper.

These are particularly insidious, as they lead to gender identity problems. Avoid them!

Dave, whatever you're making, I just hope there's enough for everyone.

This blog is starving!

Hey, I've eaten everything "THEY" have told me to avoid for years, and I haven't di

Does Mrs. Blog know you're blogging while cooking? Those trans-fats can be a bear to get off the keyboard.

Mrs. Blog is off covering a basketball game.

You have to die some way. I want to be buried in a coffin filled with bread and lard.

*food burns while Dave is at the computer blogging about "trans fats"*

Sophie: "Daddy, what's for dinner?"
Dave: "Umm... I... ummm... Get your shoes on, sweetie. We're going out for pizza."
Sophie: "But Daddy, pizza has trans fats!"
Dave: "OK, Whole Foods takeout it is! Don't tell Mommy, OK?"

Trans Fat ranks right up there with cigarettes amongst things that will kill you instantly. Touch it and you will explode.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to put my cigarette out and go check on the calimari I have frying in the trans-fat oil I got with my heroin supply today.

off subject...asked this question awhile ago...

trying to figure out what this anagram means• WARNING: DO NOT OPEN AT WORK, OIYDWYMTTY(NY)G

?or if you do...w...m..y..monitor...???

help?

thanks, mew

gleaned from reneviht's link
"For the similarly named rock band, see TransAtlantic"

The blog's insidious influence, no doubt.
Anyway, looks like I picked a bad day to quit sniffin' glue.

Or If You Don't Want Your Mother To Think You're (Not Your) Gay.

horned frog...are you serious? always thought it was a warning to people who's company's monitored their email....

silly me! thanks so much! Mew

I KNEW I'd get to use something I learned here to help people!
My life is complete.
But not over.
I hope.

cherie, and don't forget that Sexually Ambiguous Fats wbagnfarb.

Dave, now you can watch girls' night on American Idol without guilt or recrimination from Mrs. Blog.

hey, the band "Transatlantic" is excellent.

Canada is preparing to ban trans fats entirely. Make them completely illegal. I don't know what we're going to eat now. But, so far, we're still kinda sorta allowed to smoke cigarettes. Medicanal marijuana is totally OK. But there'll be nothing to eat except 'lite' tile grout when we get the munchies.

Death by margarine! Ha ha ha!

Dave,

Lst I checked, the only foods safe to eat these days are:

*thinking*
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.

*still thinking*
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*keeps thinking and realizes she's hungry and reaches for a Krispy Kreme Donut*

.
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*washes it down with a margarita and some Doritos and keeps thinking*

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*thinks really hard while eating a White Castle hamburger and some onion rings*

.
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.
.

*thinks even harder and finishes off the last of the Ben & Jerrys*

.
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*thinks really hard and pops a few Oreos dunked in milk into her mouth*

.
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*stops thinking and calculates how fast she can make it to the bathroom*

If a large quantity of food (V) leaves the stomach travelling 30 miles an hour and a girl (P)runs towards the bathroom which is 40 feet and a flight of stairs away travelling as fast as she can with Daffy Duck slippers on .... how long will it take for the large quantity of food (V) to soak through the brand new berber carpeting (B) in the hallway?

You have thirty seconds to answer. Please begin.

Good news: Oreos now have No Trans Fats!

Bad news: I heard that if you knowingly consume Trans Fats, you can't get into Heaven. No, not even if you were on the Atkins diet.

Want news: DEBBIE! Where have you BEEN?!

punky....lmao....the sad thing is, i can vividly picture that entire scenario....eek!!!!

.0042 parasecs. And club soda won't help at all. Nor will 'Shout' brand carpet cleaner. Time to call the berber man.

And PUNKY, where have you been?!

Strange? We were both thinking of Oreos at the same time. *cue Twilight Zone music*

I've been busy thinking and eating, T. ;)

I must apologize...I do not have anywhere near the wit you folks possess. I adore reading your posts...although I must admit I don't understand them sometimes! Sorry, I guess I am a bit too literal for a witty post...guess that comes with being a CPA....dam_ tax season!!....or dam_ my brain make-up!! Please...all ignore me and keep on keepin' on! Love reading them!

Thanks, Melissa, and don't worry, you'll get used to the general craziness.

*smacks Melissa*

Don't be silly girl! We loves us some new contributors. And as for being funny ... well ... we all have our days. I mean ... take christobol, for example .. I'd say that out of the 5 bajillion comments that he's made since we got permission to make 'em ... only about 4.99 bajillion of 'em funny. See? We all have bad days. Anyhoo ... you're funny in my book, even if it is just guilt by association.

EVERYONE!

We love Melissa!
Oh yes we do!
We don't love anyone as much as you!
When you're not posting, we're blue
Melissa, we love you!

Sorry, um, just to shift gears.

Can we please vote against all the female Idol contestants? Yes, Hank, I'm thinking about taking drugs.

Just say no Hank.

p.s.

Wit is in the eye of the beer holder, sweet 'ums ...

so drink up.

At this point, I must mention that penguins are very low in trans fats.

I think that trans fats are free hydrogen isotopes.

Free hydrogen isotope=free radical.

We've all heard of free radicals. (No, not the ones that set the minks free in England.)

From what I understand (which is admittedly little) free hydrogen isotopes are just the right size to bind to proteins in chemical reactions and stop the reaction...forever. Which means they kill you. Slowly. And make you old. Quickly. :-)

There's more to it than that, but that's what I remember from Microbiology 101.

Trans Fat was a bit player in several Kung fu movies who had his butt kicked by all the greats. Bruce Lee, Jet Li. After a tragic death in his day job at a ramen factory, a decision was made at the highest levels of the Chinese food export industry to include his name on all food products as a means of honoring him.

Yes Dave. It's perfectly safe to eat all the trans fatty foods you want and by so doing honor a martial arts hero virtually unknown to the western world.

This is a fabulous thread - I wish I had found it sooner instead of refreshing the "big boobs" thread when no one was posting!

melissa, I join in punky's great song -

and Dave, think All Oreos All The Time - the only junk (read good) food without Trans Fat (or MAO as him mom liked to call him!

best thing to do ....is not eat....also don't breathe or drink the water...pretty much everything else is safe
:)

Someone's pointed this out, but I feel I must concur: Trans Fats are things in food that like to dress up like Fat. It makes them feel more comfortable. (It's a Left Coast thing; very popular in San Francisco).

As for carbs, for years I thought they were something I had to worry about in my car. Now everyone's telling us not to eat them.... I would have thought that it made sense that people NOT eat parts of their car, but apparently there were people hanging around auto parts stores during lunch, and looking longingly towards the Jiffy Lube, so someone had to put a stop to it.

The thing I'm spooked about is "Trans Carbs".

I tell ya, if I go into my garage and the SUV has turned itself into a VW Beetle, just because it's "feels better and is more comfortable", I'm going to start taking the bus.

I used to eat regular peanut butter, which has *shudder* hydrogenated trans oil fat things. Then I switched to the non-emulsified kind that you have to churn for a long freakin' time. Suddenly, my IQ went up 40 points and passersby stopped retching at the scent of my feet.

Throughout that entire paragraph my narration was gradually losing its tenuous grip on reality.

Per Dictionary.com:

trans (trns, trnz)
adj.

"Having two genes, each carrying a mutation, located on opposite chromosomes of a homologous pair. Often italic."

So, if I get this definition right, you are being advised to avoid any food containing excess levels of fat gay men (NTTIAWWT) wearing a pair of highly colourful mutated italian jeans.

I can go with that.....

They make them fat-like by stealing an electron from a hydrogen molecule or something.

*reaches into bag of Cheetos*

Mmmmm...transfatty goodness.

(partially HYDROGENATED)

Daffy Duck slippers?

LOL

Melissa, come sit over here with me. I'm without a witty comment, and so share your humility.

Bring a hanky 'cause I'm laughing so hard as I read Steve, Alisaren, PhilinTexas, Tamara, Punky, Peri, and D'Art.

Lets just watch the mayhem.

[holds up Austrian score card with 11]

Steve, that's unless you own a VW and are drooling over Trans Am Carbs at lunchtime!

Let's move back to the big boobs. Much healthier.

*gasp gasp* and *gasp* Decagon!

Does laughing so hard count as arobic activity?

Thank you all so much! It was just what I needed. Loved the song!! Mew

Punkster: I find that if I'm caught in your predicament, I generally take the Daffy Duck slippers off so I can catch the (V) with them. You can then drop the lot in the rubbish with no real regrets.

But in answer to your question:

TTS = AGE[B]/(COST[B] * COSTC[B] * MTTC[B])

Where:

TTS[B] - Time to soak into the [B]erber carpet (in miliseconds)
AGE[B] - Age of [B]erber carpet
COSTC[B] - Cost of cleaning affected area of [B]erber carpet
MMTC[B] - Mean time in hours before [B]erber carpet cleaner can arrive

The only real saving grace you can have is to own an OLD [B]erber carpet.

Does this mean I don't get to sit by an idle CPA, watching mayhem, wiping tears and gleaning free tax advice?

Dave,

I believe that trans fats, like many substances on earth, are gifts from heaven that we simply keep misusing.

*in heaven*

"Did they get the trans fats?"
"Yes sir!"
"Good. Well, at least cancer won't be a problem anymore."
"Erm...there is a problem."
"What?"
"They're eating them, sir."
"The trans fats?"
"Yes sir."
"But THAT'S CRAZY!"
"I know, sir."
"And Cher?"
"She performs, well, sort of music I guess, for people who gather in stadiums."
"You're joking."
"No sir."
"But they're supposed to rub her on their feet for fungal relief!"
"I know that, sir. You don't even want to know what they're doing with the hamsters, sir."
"You're right, I don't."

Your all weird. I enjoyed all my time spent with you the last few days but as I am feeling better I shall go back to work tomorrow. Thanks for making me laugh while feeling terrible.

One question.

Did the taste of Oreo's change when they took out the trans fats?

Matt, oh yes. They taste AWFUL now.

wysiwyg,

What if you dip them in melted butter?

That's why so many college students turn to beer and weed. You die happy by age 50. No aging process, no "trans fats."

Matt, nah, too drippy. Deep fried is better.

Matt: Only if the melted butter is OMG, I Can't Believe It's Not 100% Trans Fat, which is still at least 80% Trans Fat.

Matt, to clarify, deep fried in a beer batter....

Wys, what about Holy Crap! I Can't Believe It's Not Cancer In A Can? You can spray it onto the Oreos, and it's not too drippy.

Has anyone had one of those deep fried Twinkys? I have heard they sell them at state fairs and such.

Matt - they sell those deep fried Twinkies right next to the "Heart Attack on a Stick" booth....

Oh, wait - maybe it's the same booth....

Tamara, Nope.

Don't believe in those spray product things.

Haven't you read the dire warnings on the side to the effect that if you deliberately condense contents in a plastic bag and inhale it you can kill yourself?!?

And as someone who grew up in the 60's I just know I won't be able to stop myself trying to find out why enough people would have done that to warrant the warning....

Still no mention of how people get drinking water from polluted rivers, or how radioactive waste is dumped into the ocean where we get our tuna, or the carcinogens inhaled while grilling.

Looks like we're all gonna die without the trans-fats.

hey! i warned you about the air and water...
:)

I don't get my tuna from the ocean, I get it from cans. So I'm ok right?

ohhh...lol...you are fine...haven't you heard? that's chicken
:D

Then there's the whole deep fried cheese thing....

Dave- you have to worry about carbs, trans fat, and the little men in white coats.

I have just have to say that men who can cook rock! I totally would have starved if it weren't for my husbands cooking( and lucky charms)

Hey Melissa, we have so much in common an I'm so inspired that I'm not even going to worry about anything starting with T. Not tea, trans fats, trans ams, trancindentals or taxes......course this statement may be cause for you to start worrying......................................

opiesgirl- men who can cook rock what?

I bought some "reduced fat" Pecan Sandies once. They were so tasteless I decided that if you added some fat to cardboard, it would probably be very tasty.

arent trans fats those that you eat while in transit... like oh, fast food???

I know its late, and I know y'all are probably onto bigger and better postings, but just in case, thought I'd add my 2 pennies.

Melissa - Welcome! May I advise or suggest you keep all thoughts of accounting types, lacking in the wit field, to yourself...? Just a suggestion... seeing as I am one. :P

*passes a paddle to Melissa*

Keep this in case you blog something that isn't quite right or funny... better you paddle yourself than having the Android do it for you. Those robots don't seem to know their (not they are) own strength!

*winks at Marvin, hoping he doesn't realize her scheme to keep him all to herself*

Punky, and all others on the blog who ever need to remove stains from carpets, etc... LISTEN UP!
/Begin testimonial
There is a product known as Incredible. It really is incredible. Its made in Texas (oh hush) and it works miracles. I mean miracles! You can find it at your local BB&Y store. The stuff costs maybe $5 or $6. I have white berber carpet throughout the house, and its amazing.
At the holidays we had the fam over, and my B.I.L decided it would be a good idea to spill red wine and drop a few swedish meatballs. We picked up the mess, and then left the stains till the company left. Of course everyone panicked while I just smiled and said "No biggies".
After everyone was gone, I poured on a bit of Incredible, rubbed it in with my finger tips, then soaked it up with a towel. There is not even a spec of red where the sauce and wine used to be.
Buy it, you'll like it!
/end testimonial

Matt, I'm proud to say that Brooklyn is the home of The Chip Shop, where they invented the Deep-Fried Twinkies.

*shows up in homemade, heavily-bedazzled sweater*

Di, that sounds like every carpet-cleaner commercial anyone has ever viewed or heard. I need more. I'm a skeptic. I need PROOF!

*audience cheers*

Tell me, Di, what is so different about Incredible, aside from its attractive packaging and low, low price?

Also, Di, is Incredible Trans Fat free?

*puts on sunglasses so as to be able to view the New and Improved, Bedazzled Tamara *

*in her most annoying infomercial sounding voice*

Well Tamara, I'm glad you asked that question.

For starters, the packaging is not very pretty. Its a plastic white bottle, with red and blue writing. (go figure, its made in Texas!) So the money is definitely not being spent on fancy schmancy packaging...

*eyeing Tamaras sweater, secretly desiring one for herself*

Now, as for proof, all I can say is, I am not being paid by the makers of the product. I can also say, that since I do love it and it does work, I have only shared it with those I deem worthy.

*commences the beginning of The Being Worthy ball*

*strikes up the band*

*yelling over the band*

You know, I've used EVERYTHING out there before too... and I was skeptical. BUT, once you try it, you TOO will never go back!

djtonyb - I will be sure to check the nutritional information on the back of the packaging when I get home, but as far as I can remember, so long as its used while not under the influence of deep fried twinkies, I think you're okay.

*donning the perfect teasingly-condescending smile*

Di, what if I kill a camel on this white berber while preparing for a dinner party? Can Incredible get out camel blood?

*keeps fake smile while replying to Tamara's obvious I work for the competition post*

Well Tamara. If you just so happen to kill a camel on my white berber carpeting... I would have to think you would have greater and grander problems on your hands, or say, chasing you from behind while holding a wart frog daring to slip it in your bedazzled sweater. But, for the sake of argument, lets say you did so happen to manage to kill a camel and I so happened to not chase you with said warted frog... With enough time, and Incredible, I do believe the stain would come out.

Wasn't the Trans Fat a big heavy muscle car Pontiac marketed a few years back?

""Has anyone had one of those deep fried Twinkys? I have heard they sell them at state fairs and such.
""

I believe the Texas State Fair has the monopoly on creating deep fried trans fat concoctions. We've got deep fried corn on the cob, fried chicken, fried steak, fried jalapenos stuffed with cheese, fried twinkies, fried snickers, fried ice cream, fried nutter butters, and fried oreos. Although it looks like Nabisco has thrown a wrench into those gears with the removal of all the good trans fats from the Oreos. We might have to find some raw trans fat to throw into the batter to make up for it. I'll begin research now...

*fake smile waivers*

Gertrude, ["Di" is just her infomercial name] you're not sticking to the script! We haven't been authorized to ad-lib!

*faces audience*

Okay! So Incredible can knock out those once-thought-impossible camel blood stains, *shoots Di a nervous glance* but can it handle THIS?

*whips back the curtain*

*audience gasps*

*hears moaning and thumping*

*freezes, afraid to look*

I think...I pulled back...the wrong curtain...

Trans fat is the procedure for lip enlargement

Alisaren - don't forget to add "having sex" to your list of probably fatal activities...

*faints when she realizes that Bedazzled Tamara (avert your eyes!) has in fact pulled back the wrong curtain*

[cut to commercial featuring Ron Popeil and his handy dandy Popeil-pealer]

[featuring a song by Weird Al Yankovich, to which the Popeil-loving audience rocks out]

[commercial ends]

*Gertrude (aka Di) has come to, and taken her place beside Tamara, but only after previously opened curtain has been once again drawn shut, and the audience has endured a lengthy therapy session with Dr. Phil on what they just encountered*


Well folks, as I said.. Incredible, really is incredible. And if you buy it now at your local BB&Y, you too can get such amazing results.

*chime in speed talker speaking legal jargon*

[fade back to another commercial - this time, its the new and improved hair in a can spray]

*jaw drops*

You mean I can just buy the stuff at a store? I don't have to dial the 1-888 number and send a check or money order? What was all this then? *gestures wildly at set, lights, cameras, and audience* Some ploy to get me in a bedazzled sweater?!

I feel so used.

Tamara - knowing this crowd as I do, you can bet it's a ploy, and that it involves your sweater, but after that...

*smacks Jamester*

Shhh! Don't tell her!

wysiwyg -

So, when you said "clarify" ... the first thing I thot of was dipping lobster into melted butter ... was that wrong?

100th!

Uh-Oh:

*drooling*

Oh NOT in the SLIGHTEST! You see, in the same way that broken biscuits lose their calories, the goodness inherent in sea-food cancels the badness of the trans fats.

*still drooling at thought of lobster and melted butter*

Sooooooo, if I brought the lobster and the butter over to your place, can you cook it for us? The damn thing keeps jumping out of the pot when I try it...

wysiwyg -

YOu betch-um Red Ryder! I'm home for a few days, so the cooking utensil is mine to use as I see fit ...

... as a suggestion tho, if the lobsters keep giving you trouble, just whack 'em with a sock full of nickels ...

I totally WAS number 100 earlier. *confused*

You're just playing with my head, aren't you Dave? *gives His Daveness the Evil Eye*

Uh-Oh changing to Oh! Oh! could be a good sign...

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