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February 21, 2005

ATTENTION, YOUNG PEOPLE

Microsoft is "hep" to your "lingo."

(Thanks to Panda)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR A SIGN THAT CONVEYS THE MESSAGE: "CAUTION -- SEALS FARTING"

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Claire Martin, who notes that the whole sign site is excellent)

Update: Here's a sign for judi.

Update: If we see this thing, we are running it over.

Update: If your dog's poop appears to be this color, one of you needs prompt medical attention.

MAN

I just realized that tonight, for the third week in a row, I am going to miss 24, which is my favorite TV show except when I am actually watching it. So once again I will be relying on you alert blog readers to provide me with detailed and accurate accounts of the plot. Or you can just make random stuff up, which is basically what the 24 writers do anyway.

All I ask is that by tomorrow morning we will have finally moved past the nuclear-plant-meltdown plot thread, OK? My feeling -- shared, I am sure, by millions -- is: "Just go ahead and melt DOWN already."

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

"Knife rest"?! Only in Alaska.

(Thanks to Leetie.)

ATTENTION, WOMEN

Apparently some of you need to be reminded that this is not okay. Even if you're miffed.

(Thanks to Kristi Kelley)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Bent Policemen

(Thanks to Sondra Anderson)

ENTREPRENEURIAL WISDOM

And you thought eBay was a good idea.

(Thanks to Brainy Jello)

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

(Thanks to Savitri)

DUH NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE LATEST THING IN HOME SECURITY

Protective driveways.

(Thanks to Sam Spade)

BUT BEFORE I GO, SOME QUESTIONS

Did anybody else watch the NBA All-Star Game last night? Did they ever get around to playing an actual basketball game? Or was it four straight hours of various musical acts performing to the accompaniment of indoor fireworks? And how, exactly, do you spell "accompaniment?"

TRAVEL ADVISORY

Blogging may be light today, as this blog will be on the road -- but not, alas, on a frog safari.

February 20, 2005

NEW TERROR THREAT AND ROCK BAND NAME

Radical Knitters.

(Thanks to Laura)

GOOD NAME FOR AN ENDANGERED ROCK BAND

The Phasmids

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NO. 34,919

American Idol Barbie

Key Quote: "I think an 'Idol' is someone that you can look up to, someone who carries herself in a way that people will look up to her," Barrino said in a statement.

Look up to her? Look UP to her?? I live in a household containing, by conservative estimate, 17,000 Barbie dolls, and just for the record:
1. They are all very short.
2. Most of them, most of the time, are naked.

Disturbing Update: Moments after I wrote the post above, I went to check on my 4-year-old daughter, who was, as usual, in her room playing with her Barbies. She had one Barbie who was wearing a wedding dress, propped up next to Ken, who was... also wearing a dress.

"Why is Ken wearing a dress?" I asked.

My daughter only laughed. It was not a reassuring laugh.

Another Disturbing Update: The news keeps getting worse. It makes you wonder who will be next.

February 18, 2005

CAREER CHANGE

Perhaps she'll do well in the private sector; say, working with Koko.

(Thanks to julietine)

ATTENTION, PARTY PLANNERS LOOKING FOR QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BREAKING CHER NEWS

When she retires (current estimated date: October 8, 2038) she want to be a Kiwi.

(Thanks to julietine)

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT

But we'd have to draw the line at reinforcing gorilla nipple fixation, too. Even if it were part of the job.

Key Quote: On one such occasion, Patterson said, 'Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples.'

(Thanks to Rich Way)

ROACH SO H...ERR, HUNGRY

Featuring the newest sensation: Disembodied Roach Antenna.

(Thanks to Cheesehead Dave and Lairbo)

THE REAL REASON FOR THE BLOG'S HIATUS?

Stiff competition.

(Thanks to marvin the paranoid android)

STRONG NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Stud Mollusks

Key Sexually Explicit Quote: By 5:30 p.m., the oysters began burping out white clouds...

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR DAYS IN AN OFFICE ENVIRONMENT WITHIN 20 FEET OF CO-WORKERS WHO HAVE IMPORTANT PAPERS NEATLY ARRANGED ON THEIR DESKS

You need this.

(Via Gizmodo)

Update: You probably also need this.

SCIENCE LUNGES FORWARD

Now this is a breakthrough.

(Thanks to Lisa, who asks, "I wonder when it's all over if it plays You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling?)

Update: Judi the Stealth Blogerette informs me that this item was sent in by MANY people. You know who you are.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Woof.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

MEANWHILE, ON THE MEAN STREETS OF ALBANY, ORE.

Crime is raging out of control.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

EXPERTS: IN NEED OF A LIFE?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to Jason Crawford)

EDUCATION UPDATE

If this guy had taught science at our high school, we'd have paid attention.

(Thanks to Karen Little)

TERROR STALKS NEW RIEGEL

A criminal mastermind is on the loose.

Key Quote: "He had to quit playing so the deputies could frisk him."

(Thanks tro Drew Harchick)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

Exciting news from Detroit.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

February 17, 2005

FACTS YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU KNOW

Just in case you ever come across a flirtatious lobster.

(Thanks to Jim Baxter)

SNAKE NEWS THAT THE BLOG REFUSES TO BLOG

But the bloggerette is foolish brave.

(Thanks to Mrs. Mary Mac)

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PET THAT CAN CONSUME EARTHWORM CHUNKS AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED

...you are looking for a star-nosed mole.

WE ARE LINKING TO THIS STORY FOR SOLID JOURNALISM REASONS

It has nothing to do with the phrase Tata Sponge.

ADVISORY TO MEN:

Do not click here.

YOUR DAILY CLAIRE MARTIN ITEM

Might as well admit it, Fido: You're addicted to toads.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Flatulent Shoes

(Thanks to basically everybody on the Internet)

EXCITING BREAKTHROUGH DISCOVERY IN LOBSTER SCIENCE

No word yet on what lobsters have to say about scientists being boiled.

Key Quote That Reminds Us of Our College Days: "No brain, no pain."

FASHION TOILETS

Take a seat on the Purist Hatbox.

Key Quote: VIP attendees including Betsey Johnson and Carmen Electra were overheard exclaiming in delight.

Related Development: Hard times in Sequoyah County.

February 16, 2005

NEW TERROR THREAT

Now they're using whales.

(Thanks to Octavia Sawyer)

TOO LATE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

But in plenty of time for Christmas.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

THIS IS NOT FUNNY

But it's something.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster)

ATTENTION, FELLOW GEEKS

You know how that smarmy guy on Battlestar Galactica is pretending to develop a Cylon detector? Here's one for geeks: What is your reaction to this page?

(Thanks to Kasey Rogg)

SIGN NO. 237 THAT A HUSBAND IS WHIPPED

He allows this to happen.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CALL THE TRAVEL AGENT, HONEY!

We're going on a clam hunt!

Key Quote: A villager, who identified himself as Noh, said one might have to walk for about an hour in the sea to find a good location.

SPEAKING OF HAMSTERS

Who's up for Gerbil Roulette?

THERE WAS A TIME

...when I would have paid somebody to steal my child's hamster.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for Marsupial Manure.

CRIME IN NORTH WALES

It's raging out of control.

In Related News: We have this alarming story from Eurobodalia Shire.

February 15, 2005

ATTENTION, COLORADO COOKIE-DISPUTE NEIGHBORS

You do not want to move to Germany.

(Thanks to Steve Lancaster and several others)

 
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