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February 24, 2005

GET OFF THE TOILET NOW

This urgent item was sent in by pretty much every life form on Earth.

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This snake needs some serious rehab! On the other hand, EEEEK!, at least he didn't sit down without looking. He would have been WAY later to work due to the ambulance ride!

I just like the image of "wrestling" a snake out of a toilet. I wonder if the dude's pants were down.

Leetie,
I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the mental image, I think.

It was just a baby. Let's hope Mommy doesn't come looking for it.

Snake Rehab WBAGNFARB

Why the guy didn't hand this snake directly over to a taxidermist/toilet seat maker, I'll never know.

Leetie,
That reminds me of the following joke:
Two fishermen were in the middle of a large lake when they both needed to heed the call of nature. Rather than upping anchor and mnotoring to shore, they both decided to pee off the side of their Bass Boat.
In the process of whizzing, one of the fishermen remarked, "Man, this water is sure cold!"
The other fisherman replied, "Deep too"!
I know, old joke, but I am a card carrying geezer so illegal bingo and old jokes are my life.

What kind of card do you carry, igloo? Do you get discounts? I want one, too.

Igloo - my favorite telling of that joke is in Slingblade

Dave, that story is just so wrong. Even if it's true, that is just something I didn't need to know was possible. Now I'm probably going to shoot my own nuts off when I think a turd is "moving suspiciously" in the bowl.

Who can I sue? Can I pre-emptively sue, so that I can enjoy the money while I still have my nuts? That would be best.

Christobol, do you regularly take firearms to the john with you?

I had to take my pet snake to rehab once. It was in a little building only 6 inches tall.
He failed rehab, though.
Couldn't even successfully complete Step 1.

uh, like why not call 911! put the lid down, and call 911, numbnutz.

What portion of the human anatomy is showing in the photo with the snake? Is that a pair of hairy knees, or a pair of hairy cheeks??

Blogfly - yes I do. It's part of my job.

I'm with the Department of Homeland Turd Security.

A hero? Really I'm just doing my job. Which mostly boils down to pooping while heavily armed.

I used to sit on the toilet with a gun, until Pa got the lock fixed

"at least he didn't sit down without looking."

Yeah...he'd have gotten it right in the asp.

You people and your guns! I swear, the first thing you think of is "Shoot it!"

*puts sign up outside house "DJT's Rehab Home for Naughty Snakes and Cracked Out Cats"

*

The things you find in the toilets down here, I swear...
One day I lifted the lid and there were all these pieces of paper, looked like voters ballots...

Did it leave the seat up?

djtony - you're right, and great idea!

So, what time would be good for me to drop by and shoot everything in your house?

Christobol, you won't be pooping while you do that, will you? djtony may need to put down paper first.

*removes cracked out cat from curtains*

*shakes leg to remove naughty python trying to crawl up it*

*spots another cracked out cat on chandelier*

*tries to go to the bathroom and is foiled by several more pythons*

How does "now" sound, C-bol?

Well that is definitely a rude awakening! Good thing he didn't have to sit before standing. :)

queenbee, he didn't have TIME to wait for 911; he went in there in the first place for a reason, you know.

Two guys hunting, and one has to do "Number Two"
While he's hunkered down doing his business, a snake bites him on the end of his, uh...medallion (thanks C-bol).
He yells for his buddy, tells him to call 911 and find out what they need to do. 911 gets the ER doc on the line, the doc tells the buddy he needs to suck the poison out.
Buddy asks "what happens if I can't do that?"
Docs says "Well, your friend will die unless you do."
Snakebit guy asks his buddy what the doc said.
Buddy says "He said you was going to die"

"So I was sitting on the toilet and umm, this creature pops its head up between my legs!"

"A python?"

"No, it was Christobol and he was carrying a loaded weapon!"

"You flushed, right?"

"Damn right"

"What happened then?"

"I pooped"

"Ah"

Now, horned frog, that is an even funnier mental picture. This guy wrestling a snake out of the toilet, with his pants around his ankles, doing a "pee pee dance"!

These days, you GOTTA go packin' when you go to the can; snakes in the growler, cats on angel dust... Curtis Sliwa can't be EVERYWHERE, people.

"Scavotto called his boss to tell him he'd be late because he'd had to wrestle a snake out of his toilet. His boss joked he would need a better excuse than that."

Who would make up an excuse like that? Honestly, this guy's boss can't be too bright.
And speaking of bad excuses, I had a friend once whose dog really did eat her homework... she dried the dog slobber off the remains of her worksheet and brought it to class as proof.

Ssssssssssssh*t or get off the pot !
(ssssssorrry if someone said this already)

According to the article, the friend said she would come and get it and try to rehabilitate it.

REHABILITATE IT? What am I missing here, besides a toilet-side firearm?

rehabilitation: is hanging around in toilets considered to be indicative of naughty snakes?

Also: igloo, I do not get your joke about the fishermen in the boat.

NGI,
The men are standing in the boat and their willies would be about 3-4 feet above the surface of the lake. And the first guy remarking on the temperature of the water, is spoofing his friend about the length of his snake. In an attempt of one-up-manship, his buddy remarks on the depth of the lake, indicating the remarkable length of his python.
Is this how Henny Youngman got started?

Okay, no one else has pointed out this line:
"With the help of his wife, Shannon Scavotto caught the snake using an improvised noose and put it in a pillowcase. "

What I'm sayin' is, you have a name like Scavotto using an improvised NOOSE and pillowcase? Improvised, my foot! I'm sure they're real experienced with this sort of stuff. (pun intended)

Okay, time to go home. Say goodnight, MOTW.

Goodnight, MOTW.

I've seen this acronym: WBAGNFARB.

I'm pretty savvy about this stuff, know my omgs from my btws from my roflmaos. And, naturally, I use YKMUM?HH-G and DTM!IAHNO all the time.

But WBetc, dk. Hope someone will enlighten me.

"And, naturally, I use YKMUM?HH-G and DTM!IAHNO all the time.

But WBetc, dk. Hope someone will enlighten me."

You lost me after roflmao?

Little help?

WC - lot's of people flush when I see them.

No matter, I love shootin' rosy cheeked people.

*would be a good name for a rock band*

C-bol, A double-double entendre! You da man!

So, Horned, you're saying you don't know WBAGNFARB either. Now there's two of us!

at the risk of sounding really REALLY dumb, what is "roflmao" (hey, at least I get "wbagnfarb"!)

No it was YKMUM?HH-G and DTM!IAHNO and WBetc, dk that had me stumped. wbagnfarb I knew, just figgered someone would beat me to the post with a translation.
And we all know how painful that can be.

Rolling. On. Floor. Laughing. My. Ass. Off.

Actually, three - I asked yesterday as well !

More questions....does omgs, btws, roflmaos, YKMUM?HH-G and DTM!IAHNO have anything to do with that blog the other day about leetspeak? Is there some sort of study guide or a self-help book that I can refer to? You know, something written "Dick and Jane" style, I'm just too old and tired to learn a new language!

horned frog - thanks. now if someone could tell me what the heck lot's means!

i swear, someday i'll get the hang of the apes trophy.

Horned Frog, are you intercepting my brain waives? Maybe I need a new tinfoil hat! thanks for giving it to me slo baby, just the way I wanted it!
hahahahaha

Until someone actually tells me what WBAGNFARB means (note to HF: "WBetc" is just my abbreviation of that abbreviation), I'm withholding all information on YKMUM?HH-G and DTM!IAHNO.

People! People!

WBAGNFARB=would be a good name for a rock band

so what is YKMUM?HH-G and DTM!IAHNO ??

Where the hell's my geezer card...

it means, would be a good name for a rock band

btw = by the way

omg = oh my god (the 's' was for plural 'omg')

ro(t)flmao = rolling on (the) floor laughing my ass off (once again, the 's' was for plurality)

YKMUM?HH-G = 'booger'. OK fine, I don't know

DTM!IAHNO = 'neener'. (So I don't know this one either. What of it?!)

WBetc = shortened version of WBAGNFARB

dk = don't know (seriously, I know it, that's what it means!)

lot's obviously means "belonging to lot", as in "lot owns some OF people"

Wait, that don't make no sense.
Mr. Language Person? Bill Saffire?
Little help?

Balanch,
Slow down, take a deep breath and look back a few posts. The answers are in there!

Hayduke, old pal - should've known that a fellow old Ed Abbey hand would be the one to clue me. I owe you.

Now listen up everybody because I'm only gonna say this once, and I'm shocked, just shocked that you people don't know these things!

YKMUM?HH-G is (as if I even have to spell it out... jeesh!) the common internet acroynm "You Know My Uncle Morty? He's Hypo-Glycemic".

And DTM!IAHNO is even easier, and like the other one, I use it ALL THE TIME, viz. "Don't Tempt Me! I Already Have Nine Ocelots"

GWTP, willya?

GWTP?
Oh, wait I got it.
Now why would anybody want to Go Whip The Parakeet?

Flash, I only didn't know the WBetc one. Knew all the others.

PS: I googled Balanchine's 'acronyms' and it came up with nothing, so I figured it would turn out to be something like that.

Marvin.... you googled for me? You actually googled for ME? I'm... I'm.... speechless!

C'bol: my brother in law is a testicular attorney, so drop me a line and we'll get you that settlement prior to you scrambling your huavos over a disquieting stool.

I am also interested in discussing the subset of consumer activities that you plan to pursue that will be less attractive in your gonad-free future.

JU

"C'bol: my brother in law is a testicular attorney"*

*not board-certified in the State of Illinois.

If Balanchine had bothered to scroll up, Yoda answered the WBAGNFARB question quite some time ago.

hf: it turns out that the low percentage of testicles in Illinois doesn't make it a lucrative practice there.

JU

It's them dang kids and their God-Awful hippie-hop music, and their BVDs a-showin'.
That's what does it.

Wish I could be clever like you all, but wasn't "lot's" wife the one who turned folks into pillars of salt ? So maybe "lot's" means 'freeze you salty dog' ???

not to change the subject, (and to also re-state something I have previously said) this snake in the toilet thing is exactly why I live in AK. There are NO snakes here!

and yes horned frog - any I might find are small enough to flush down immediatly.

**hands horned a kevlar banana cover thingy**

Actually, God turned HER into a pillar of salt.
Did me a favor, really.

Thanks, sweetie.
That no snakes deal sounds pretty sweet, but I think I'll stay down here with the snakes and the no-six-month-long-nights-freeze-your-hoohas-off.

JU - thanks, I'll be in touch. Regarding our conversation vis a vis the subset of consumer activities that I plan to pursue that will be less attractive in my gonad-free future - I look forward to that.

Let's plan to have a lot of beer on hand. I only say that because it goes without saying (and I wasn't ready for it to go).

Aaah - I always get her and Medusa confused. Pillar of salt - frozen - head of snakes - WHATEVER !


Thanks for the correction ...

Horned:

Aww come on live a little. The winter's aren't that bad and if you stay here long enough chances are you will loose your hoohas anyway. But if not ok... good luck with the snake population. I hope you never find one in your toilet or hanging off your arse.

I'll stay in Texas, thank you very much. You're welcome any time. A 60-day string of hundred-plus-degree days and the odd snake infestation now and again is a small price to pay for living in...wait, maybe The Last Frontier IS the place for me, after all.
As a West Texas boy, I do like the idea of all
that open space.

And before someone beats me to it; yes I do think Odd Snake Infestation wbagnfarb.

As an original northern californian (i do like to specify which cali, cuz there is a difference) the 100+ days are great, but I can't handle snake infestations (at first I thought your blog said snake infection, which I don't think I would like either). I have spent some time with my Aunt who lives in Texas. It's nice and I have absolutly no point, so thanks for the invite.

Even more wildly off subject:
Can you specify what is the difference between NorCal and SoCal - without provoking hate mail ?

the lack of democrats that reside there

You mean the SoCal Orange County/Beverly Hills/Calabasas Democrats or the NorCal Danville/Tiburon/Sausalito Democrats ?

I came across a snake in an outhouse. It was the last time I used one of those. LOL

GWTP = Get the Water, Please ...?

horned frog of TCU -- a variation on your hunting story ...

Guy is hauled into the ER, has a golf club sticking out of his anus ...

DR. asks how this happened ...

"My wife and I were playing golf ... on the fourth tee, both our shots took a terrible turn and went over the fence [Ed. Note: it is not known if the wife in question was a "hooker" or a "slicer".] and we went to look for them ...

"They were out in a pasture, among the cows. She found hers right away, and after awhile I finally found mine, buried almost completely, in a cow pie. It was an unplayable lie, so I said, 'This looks like your hole, dear ...' and that's the last thing I remember, until they wheeled me in here ..."

Dr. say, well, I can get it out, but I'll give you some anesthetic first ...

"No, doc, I can take the pain ... This isn't bad at all ..."

Dr. is amazed. Says, "If this isn't bad, what is?"

"Well, doc, I was hunting with some pals a few years back, and had to take a crap in the woods. Squatted down, just happened to be over a bear trap ... when the crap hit the pan, it snapped me on the balls ... second worst pain I ever felt in my life!"

DR. says, "Second worst?!?! What could possibly be worse?"

"When I hit the end of the chain."

actually, there are 3 distinct cal's 1. nor cal 2. central cal and 3. so cal
if you're (not your) from nor cal you get a little irritated when someone from cetral cal tries to claim they're (not their or there) from nor cal

that is all

whoops!! central cal

Here's a thought ful gift to help the homeowner forget about the whole thing

GAWD, mkj, that is soooo, like, yesterday

Hello to Yoda's Ghost - I see that Yoda did answer my question about the acronym just before I asked for it again.... but I guess I just flew by it because there was just this phrase there "would be a good name for a rock band" all by its lonesome! Without the actual acronym, why, johnny, I hardly knew ye!

My error.

akgirl, you talked me into it; I'm bidding on a 50-year-old airplane and a sled-pulling dog on eBay right now.

horned:

lol.... don't bid on the dog (unless it likes to lick toads, cuz that would be humerous to watch).... we have actually established a road system here now. The plane could come in handy, due to the fact that the established road systems go nowhere. So sure buddy, I will see you soon!

Dang, bid on the wrong package; got a sled-pulling airplane and a 50-year-old dog.

I can tell by the tone of your comments that you are a NorCal Gal.

Utopia
if that comment was for me it was the best compliment i've had all day... lol

actually i'm more like a north to alaska gal now.

Actually, it was for lollyk - but heck, I can sling compliments at ya if you like - you NorCal gal, you !~
And why does everyone dislike poor maligned SoCal so much ?
Why Alaska ????
Northern lights - dismembered peeners - banana lockers (forgot what they're called) - no snakes ?

Utopia....

lmao... demembered peeners...

Why Alaska... I was on vacation and forgot to go home.....Alaska is toooooo beautiful

and yes lollyk... I think I understand and I totally agree.

I meant dismembered but I guess demembered works also.

Interesting - demembered.
Wonder which would hurt more - or even if 'demembered' is a better term ?
Hmmmm ...

utopia,
actually, i'm a central cal gal. my girlfriend recently married a nor cal guy and he likes to set everyone straight about it. until i met him, tho i was under the assumption that i WAS a nor cal gal.
and the reason everyone malignes so cal so much is because of the assumption that the people who live there ( not their or they're) are shallow and stoned. of course this does not apply to eleanor.
sorry this isnt funny but it's been a long day at an unfunny job

lollyk:

Leave the unfunny job behind and lets have some laughs while discussing demembered peeners

I know lots of people EVERYWHERE who are shallow AND stoned !!! And I wish I were - well, stoned anyway. But that's ok - I guess it's just fun to make fun of stuff. I work for a CPA firm, and since it is tax season, loooong days and decidedly unfunny - plus I am humor challenged, as someone signed themselves above. I'm glad to know that people think SoCal-ers are only those two things. But don't open the flood gates - we're supposed to be lamenting the sad status of toilets today. (A DB Favorite)

So THAT'S why "members only" jackets were so popular - I was such a young virginal kid in those days, I didn't GET IT !!!
Wonder what the market is for "demembers only" ?

You'd have a 'captive' market !
nudge, nudge - get it? - nudge, nudge - captive as in tied up ? ALRIGHT - now that I've spelled it out, it's NOT funny !!!!
*sigh*

Yes, Alaska is indeed beautiful. The sight of Denali (on the one day out of four it's visible, of course) is something I'll never forget. Of course, I nearly froze to death in the process. This was August.

lollyk -
thank you for excepting me from your somewhat harsh but pretty accurate evaluation of so.ca. - although why that makes people hate us (except me of course) is something I don't understand - I actually thought it was because everyone excercized all the time ( count me out there too) and that our food mainstay was yogurt -( i plead guilty to that one) -

Anyway, it was nice to be excluded - i'm having a very long and not good day also -

the sun will come out tomrrow

hopefully both literally and metaphorically!
bye for now -

Eleanor - yu meen it's still raining ... ?

Sheesh! I'll prolly sit around for another week just waiting for it to dry out once I get back there ...

Besides which already ... I know of several people in SoCal who are not stoned ... besides you, of course ...

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