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January 24, 2005

TERRORISM IN CANADA

Those fiendish bastards.

Key Quote: "I just about s--- my pants."

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Ack! The blog has been italicized!

Muahahaha! Terror on the blog @ 11 (EST)!

wow, that was a short terror. Like Napoleon.

OK, now for on-topic discussion:

"I'm a good Canadian, and we just don't have this kind of (stuff) here."

As opposed to bad Canadians, who apparently all have snakes.

"Late last October, residents of Thompson discovered a 15-foot python at the side of a highway in the southern-most end of town.

...It's their theory the animal was probably an exotic pet owned by someone who didn't properly dispose of it once it had died."

Exactly how do you properly dispose of a dead 15-foot python? Take it to a funeral home and have it cremated? Is the crematorium long enough to process a snake that long? Maybe you could build a 15-foot casket and bury it in a 6' by 15' trench in the back yard? But would you need a permit from the city?

Audition for Eliza Doolittle for the Manitoba production of My Fair Lady
"I'm a good Canadian, I am. I washed me face and snake before I come."

Works' first instinct was to knock the snake off his roof into a snow bank below, then call his wife to check out the find.

Jeez, perhaps if it'd landed on the wife he wouldn't have had to call.

...and Works himself said he's at a loss to figure out how the snake reached his roof.

The snake knew constriction repairs were needed up there. Snakes know.

I thought it was a terribly sad story. You know some b*stard didn't properly care for his pet snake, or else released it on purpose. *grumble*

Boa's aren't venemous.

Boa's aren't venemous.

They aren't Hugenots either.

... they're constrictomous.

... they're constrictomous.

I've got it. Dope smugglers from Brazil, waiting to take off from their small landing strip out in the jungle...snake crawls up into wheel well...does not fasten his seat belt for takeoff...extreme cold from altitude knocks him out, at which point he plummets to earth and lands on a Canadian rooftop.
ANOTHER DRUG-RELATED DEATH!!!

You know I hate to cause a panic, especially one in which women all over the country feel compelled to run around topless singing "Viva my Chachas", especially when it's based on a completely fabricated lie, but I must inform you that snakes have learned to fly.

All other explanations are just silly.

Does Peri know about this?

'Snakes have been leaving this country in record numbers ever since the '04 elections.'
'A number have been seen slithering into Canada, as well as on ships to New Zealand and Australia.'

"Has anyone on the blog seen my pet, Sheba? She is 12 feet long and is gentle as a lamb."

Boas, accustomed to trees,
Could climb upon houses with ease.
But in a climate with snow
They'd have no place to go,
So, stuck on the rooftop, they'd freeze.

So it seems snakes are a surefire cure for the squirrels in the attic problem, unless they decide to crawl out into the snow. Someone should pass this tip along to the guy in Missouri battling squirrel feces in his ductwork.

"The only thing I can think of is we used to have a lot of squirrels up there,"

Don't f*ck with the squirrels, man.

I'm a good Canadian. . .

Peri, exactly what do y'all do to BAD Canadians?

Mother to children
And if you are bad the snake fairy will come and leave a boa on the roof and you will have to go fetch.
Children
Yea!

Elle - exactly

The Day of the Squirrels

*It was a day like any other in Beaners Gulch, Iowa. The kids were playing in the fields, the women were tanning topless in the park, and the men were shaving one another's legs. The idyllic scene is shattered when a bedraggled man runs screaming down the street that the squirrels have returned*

[At the Town Hall]

Jake: I thought you said they'd be gone for good, Clem.
Clem: I never said no such thing, boy. You listen with your heart, that's your problem. Your mother, may she rest in mayonnaise, she was the same way.
Jessie: She still is. But that don't matter. The point is, them squirrels is back, and somebody's gotta do something! They're already scampering about our women's heaving chachas.
Jake: Why don't we set loose a bunch of Boa's? They can squeeze those squirrels until they promise never to come back, or better yet, until they're dead.
Jessie That's a good idea, boy. 'Bout time we got some use out of the tens of thousands of Boas we keep in the library. Let's go!
*enter a roughshod man with three days beard growth (still just two noticeable hairs, but that's three days worth on him, dammit) riding a poodle*
Stranger: *cackle* Oh yes, why'nt ya just go do that gentlemen? Why'nt you just doom your town and all its snakes?
Jake: Who are you? What are you talking about?
Stranger: Who I am is not your concern, unless you're in the market for all natural male enhancement shock therapy. What I'm talking about is the insanity of sending poor defenseless Boas out to fight squirrels. Would you lay your cahones on a hot stove just to see how it feels?
Jake: Not anymore, no. Twice is once too many, thanks. About that therapy you was selling...
Jessie: Never mind that boy, er, fer now. We'll talk about a volume discount later, Stranger. Look here, I'm sure these snakes 'el whoop the tar out of them squirrels.
Stranger: Cackles. I guess you don't remember the massecre of '67.
Jessie: 'Course I do. But that involved chipmunks killing komodo dragons.
Stranger: Have it your way...some people can't learn.

Thanks Elle & Christobol... I no longer need to point out the violent, sick, sadistic devices of the roof-top dwelling squirrel... they probably drug the snake up there in the first place.

(psst! Hey, pssst! Is it gone? Can I come out from under my bed now?)

I have to agree that the one thing Canadians, and especially Winnipegers (good OR bad) don't expect to find when they are clearing snow from their roofs is a 15' snake.

I don't know that I would have called my spouse out, however. What did he think she was going to do about it?

It's a sign.

First they kill the snake.

Then, they steal your nuts.

Is this a new journalistic style? Or a teaching tool?

"I almost s--- my pants"

Guess the other letters, reader, and qualify for a chance at a winter vacation in Brazil, where they have plenty of constrictomousic specimens.
Get away from the humdrum winter blahs in Winnipeg, go hiking in the jungle, or simply sun on the beach.

"When I saw the ad for the Brazilian vacation, I thought I had -ee-------e-ed! Boy was that exciting!"

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