INAUGURATION REPORT

Incredibly, I was not invited to the forthcoming inauguration. But I did attend the last one, and wrote an authoritative report, which appears in the "extended entry" section below, assuming we can get the "extended entry" thing to work.

Published in the Miami Herald Sunday, January 21, 2001

BY DAVE BARRY, Herald Columnist

WASHINGTON -- Every four years, this stodgy city kicks off its wingtip shoes. Then it puts on shoes that are even less comfortable, and celebrates the inauguration of a president.

And so the federal government - as only the federal government knows how - has gone into Festivity Implementation and Facilitation Mode. Unfortunately, the weather was awful. But the rain, freezing temperatures and occasional death from exposure have not put a damper on the inauguration and its upbeat theme: ``We're Cold, And We're Wet.''

No, seriously, the official theme, as far as I can tell, is: ``We're Texans, And By God We're From Texas!'' This place is infested with Texans, who simply cannot get over how Texan they are. Many of them are wearing cowboy hats, though I suspect they're mainly business people who have never personally interacted with a cow that was not in the form of prime rib.

So the new administration will definitely have a ``Texas style,'' as opposed to the old administration, which had an ``Arkansas style.'' The Washington news media have made a big deal out of this changeover, although in fact there is no discernible difference between the two styles, both of which basically consist of people going: ``Whooo-EEE!''

Speaking of Arkansas style: Bill Clinton had a very classy final full day in office, didn't he? Mr. Legacy signed a deal with the special prosecutor in which he finally came clean and admitted, in no uncertain terms, that he - to quote from his statement - ``may or may not have said things under oath that may or may not have been less than totally truthful, or possibly not, depending on how you define `not.' '' Mr. Clinton also admitted to ``a possible involvement'' in four convenience-store robberies. Of course, these blemishes on his record must be weighed against the many accomplishments of his administration, which, according to the estimated 450 farewell speeches given by Mr. Clinton, include peace, prosperity, gravity, pasteurization, the plow and Handel's Messiah.

But the focus now is on our new president, George W. Bush III Jr., who, along with his gracious wife, Mrs. George W. Bush III Jr., has been attending numerous inaugural balls, which are real Washington-style fun-a-paloozas.

I attended a hot-ticket ball hosted by The Texas State Society for 9,000 paying guests and several head of actual cattle. I am searching for a way to tell you how much fun this ball was. OK, try this: Imagine that you're at a major airport on a Friday night, and all the flights have been canceled, so that thousands of travelers are jammed together in long, jostling, increasingly hostile lines for food, drink, bathrooms, escalators, everything. Now imagine that everybody is wearing formal clothes, and the atmosphere is 97 percent hairspray fumes, and every few seconds somebody, who always seems to be right next to your ear, shouts ``Whooo-EEE!''

That's the kind of fun we were having. This ball was so crowded that it took me -- a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area -- 45 minutes to get a beer. I am fervently hoping that the highest domestic priority of the new administration will be: more bartenders.

In between balls, they held the actual inauguration ceremony, featuring music by rap star Eminem.

No, seriously, it featured traditional patriotic tunes, played by the traditional band of military people armed with tubas. The ceremony was very dignified, except when Al Gore, understandably, lost control, and Barbara Bush had to cold-cock him with the Bush family Bible. After that, George W. took the oath of office; he did this flawlessly, except for ending with the words ``so help me, Rhonda.'' Then he read a nice speech in which he pointed out - correctly, in my view - that the future lies ahead. Then it was . . . back to the balls!

Call me corny, but seeing this in person -- this orderly transfer of the greatest power on Earth -- made me feel something that I have never felt before. I think it might be frostbite.

Comments

[Quiggy]

Awesome.

[D'Artagnan]

The important thing is that the "extended entry" thing works fine, Dave.

[Christobol]

Dave,

Just so there's no misunderstanding later, amid all the hoopla and whatnot (agnfarb?), you are cordially invited to my inaugeration as demi-god of whole grains.

See you there.

[Brian McClure]

That was very moving. Even Colon was moved.

[andy lichter]

Yeah! Very moving. I moved to Texas!

[jamester]

"Extended entry...."
Dave, you gotta be kidding, to give a term like that to such as us...

PS. Since it worked, are you now a computer geek?

[denny lichter]

Very mOOving. Andy, call your mother.

[HisBillness]

Extended entry?

Is that what they're calling it these days?

[igloo]

I would have posted first, but reading that SPLENDID article with all of the wit, double-entendre, proper use of verbs and (gasp)those pesky adverbs, I broke down and bawled(not balled)until no tears were left. To think we may have to endure the rest of our lifes without such wit.
I want to know why the failed Bush Administration refused to invite DAVE. I hope this disinvitation was not the result of the "So help me Rhonda" statement. Perhaps a Congressional Investigation into WMD(Where's Mr. Dave), can get to the bottom of this matter before President Bush utters those soul stirring words, "So help me Dave"!

[opiesgirl]

No worries. Texans are great for the repetition.

[Somewhere North]

Well I'm sure the theme for this inauguration is "We never said there were WMD and since we were such a screaming success in Iraq, let's bring peace to Iran!"

Whoooeeee!

[igloo]

Following the threads in today's blog...
So I said to King Snake, "You hit the nail on the head when you said I didn't have a Ghost of a change in attending the 2005 Inaugural after that "So help me Rhonda" and the "In between balls" innuendo. I guess I should just drop the whole penis thing."

[gecko]

This story is true.

Long ago, I spent a week at a Presidential Inauguation (It goes on all week - betcha didn't care). I wouldn't have voted for the Inauguree at gunpoint but my hosts worshiped the man, and, hey, I was a punk rocker and thought a little American Glamour could be fun. I enjoyed watching mink coated matrons waiting hours in the rain, day after day, to shuffle through (no loitering, please!) many pointless jam packed "events" hoping to catch a distant glimpse a Big Name Politician. I got to see two generations of Bushes - I won! Oh, overheated wet mink smells like weasels in heat. I guess.

The Illinois Inaugural Ball was, like Texas', sardine-packed and 250 degrees. In fact, sweaty formal attire smells like sardines. My hosts freaked out at the mere sight of the crowd but I fought my way through the priviliged masses to get the attendees' gift, complimentary Inaugural Cufflinks. I escaped with minor abrasions and fairly major tearing of my borrowed gown. I still have the crappy links.

Then we attended a Power Buffet. I got food poisoning and spent 10 enchanted hours curled around the toilet.

Dave, you would be wise to stay home.

[kat]

Dave,
I culd hav' warned ye. Lik I sayd many moons a-go: Ye didnt lis'un ta me when I tol ye about 'The Muckin' O' Geordie's Coo Byre.'

Mon, if ye wan 'ta help, dunt do 'ah Dime on'a Tursda.

Luc 'en bac, is no goood, Luckenbach is en Tejas, Mon.
Ma' The four-cee be 'width ye! Till the morrow.

Scotty

[kat]

By the by; Moo is mouth in Scotch language.

[kat]

'Geordie's moo is full of coo 'M'
O siccan a sarsies never was seen!
At the muckin' o' Geordie's coo byre!

[slyeyes]

This weekend, a friend showed me the invitation she received to the inauguration. It was a commerative invitation and states "not good for entry" -- or something like that.

I'm still trying to figure out the honor of receiving an "invitation that is not an invitation."

[kat]

"HOme Land Security?'

[GDogg]

It's baffling that Dave wasn't invited to this inaugural, considering the glowing review he gave the last one.

[kb]

I believe efforts to get "extended entry" to work is precisely what got the last President in trouble.

As for the inaugural ball, at least that is one day in every four that the Congresscritters, ur uh, more formally, weasels, are kept busy doing something else besides making new laws or inventing new tax formulae that can only be computed using expensive software on computers with known math processor flaws, or accountants with known personal grooming flaws.

[Jeff Meyerson]

I got to see two generations of Bushes - I won!

I think what gecko meant to say was: I lost!

[sp]

Is Scotty a Cajun? Or is Kat? This sounds like Cajun speak to me. I am southern and I just don't get it.

[Writer's Cramp]

"And for this year's inaugural attendees gift...
We're going to let everyone beat the #@%* out of Donald Rumsfeld!!!!"

*crowd goes wild*

[Shannon]

I attended Bush I's inauguration. Okay, "attended" is probably the wrong word; I marched at high speed past the reviewing stand carrying a rifle. Okay, it was a fake rifle, although I note that no one ever checked to be sure. Those Secret Service people are so trustworthy.

At any rate, it was about 2 degrees, we were standing on the Mall shivering our Southern butts off, and Bush I decided it would be a good time to shake the hand of everyone in DC, which is why the parade started 2 hours late, while we stood around and froze some more.

I think Bush Sr. created a lot of Democrats in our band that day.

(They gave us t-shirts that said "From George to George: Bicentennal Presidential Inaugural." No, really. At least they spelled it right.)

[Donald Rumsfeld]

"You go to war with the army you have!!!"

*quickly beaten into a grease spot indeterminable from the various barbeque stains spread throughout*

[gecko]

Jeff, (1)Good Point! (2)Thank you. You probably read more of my post than anyone else did. I'm actually touched. (I gave you the straight line - go ahead, take advantage of it.)

[Somewhere North]

Well, at least the 40 million dollars will be well spent! And really, what is 40 million when your deficit is 800 billion? Nothing. A drop in the bucket. Party on!

[queensbee]

Infested by Texans wbagnfarb.

[queenforaday]

in·fest ( P ) Pronunciation Key (n-fst)
tr.v. in·fest·ed, in·fest·ing, in·fests
To inhabit or overrun in numbers or quantities large enough to be harmful, threatening, or obnoxious: rats infesting the sewers; streets that were infested with drugs.
To live as a parasite in or on: livestock that were infested with tapeworms.

"infested"? very interesting word choice...

[igloo]

Verrrrry Interesting! Obviously, we have infested this blog.

[insomniac]

slyeyes- in the words of Seinfeld, your friend received an 'unvitation'
(it's not just Star Wars camp-out geeks who can pepper their conversation with pop culture references)
My son HS marching band was at the WV Inauguration this morning, the coldest in 30 years.

[aye]

dave, you should write another inaugural essay thing. then you could point out that the chief similarity between this one and the last one is that, once again, people can make fun of both the incoming AND the outgoing president(s).

[elle]

*winks at Jeff*

I've seen THREE generations.

I totally win.

[D'Artagnan]

elle!

[Nul Creamo]

Some say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,
but if in that bush ...

nah, I did that one already

[Jeff Meyerson]

Elle wins, for generation 3.

[gecko]

Jeff and Elle: Dang.

[Liber]

Pointy boots, 10 gal. hats, lots of big silver buckles and other such Texas formal wear. All that will be missing is the pungent scent of horse doo doo! "Inagurals don't get 'ny better n' 'at!"

Let's aim higher,"Imagine what the G.W. library will be like." "Wooooooopeeeeee!"

[k9_scruz]

Having neither been invited, nor ever in the vicinity of a presidential inauguration, I consider myself as expert in the subject as anyone else - except Dave, who is always officially uninvited. I'm just ignored.

One must study the word inauguration, to understand its true meaning. Since most words derive from Latin (Latin is really an abbreviation for 'Local Area Translation is Necessary', even if you are Latin) I will employ my prowess in language to render the most probable meaning (I know every language in the world, but 'Greek', and asides from English every other language is 'Greek' to me).

Inauguration - pronounced I believe... IN - NOG - AH - RATION. Somewhat simple really,
IN - NOG = In your noggin (or head)
AH - RATION = Is but AH RATION (and here we must assume brains). So, in your head is but a [small] ration of brains. I think that is the story for those that attend, those that are there to actually celebrate [and not to schmooze], and definitely for the guy for which the whole inane celebration is intended.

Have fun in your time off Dave. God knows I (the ignored one) will really miss you.

[Kevin]

Dave, are you still out there in the 'nether world' ??? I need a new book from you, as sustinense. Plesae, give us this day our daily bread... or text if you will.

Good Night!!!
kevin.wells@frlaserco.com