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January 18, 2005

IF YOU ARE NOT A FAN OF THE TV SHOW "24," DO NOT READ THIS POST

OK, you know Erin Driscoll, the extremely hardass woman who is Jack Bauer's boss and is always wrong but still is apparently in charge of the entire U.S. intelligence system? Does it get on your nerves that every time an alarming plot development occurs -- which of course is every three minutes -- she says something like, "OK, I need the names of everybody in California who has ever had a root canal," and immediately one of the random computer-tappers around her goes "I'm on it" and starts tapping away, and the information pops right up on the screen, and there's never any computer problem, and they never have to install Windows XP Service Pack 2? Well, it gets on our nerves.

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It's not just 24, your most Daveness. Anything from Hollywood glamorizes computer geeks until they're unrecognizable in their tattered jeans, rumpled shirts and uncombed hair with several days' worth of unshaven extraneous hair.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm so with you, Dave. Someone should die, but don't look to me. I'm young and innocent.

Yeah!

I like how >> flashes on the screen when the teenage hacker manages to infiltrate some super-secret bad-guy or government mainframe. Usually from a thinly disguised iMac.

OOPS! I was remiss in my previous post. I hadn't read the headline properly. I am NOT(not knot, a feature of wood products) a fan of 24hrs.
But I foolishly read Dave's post, when I wasn't supposed to.
Apologies to all and especially to our Maximum Leader, El Dave.

Hey, I'm a computer geek. Don't tell anyone, but we really can find information like that at the drop of a hat.

The thing is, we won't - at least not for you. We're too busy figuring out how to download porn even faster, and if you bug us too much about being productive and all that, we'll come up with a scheme like "Service Pack 2" to completely hose you for a while so we can get back to our porn.

But seriously, please don't tell anyone. Unless you want us to open up a can of "Service Pack 3" on yo' asses.

That should read "Password Accepted". But I'm not as good with computerizers as the ten year old girl who can hack Unix mainframes in Jurasic Park. She's my hero.

I like how Jack Bauer always talks like he just finished running a 10K race. I know sometimes he HAS actually done a bit of running, but even when he has been idle (not idol) for awhile, he speaks like he is hyperventilating.

Erin Driscoll ==>
Cod rinser ill
Droll is nicer
Drill once, Sir
Nill disco err

My pet peeve is when the geeks take a photograph and zoom in on, say, a watch and can clarify the picture enough to read the time of day on it.

Puh-leeze. You cannot put detail where none exists on an original.

I sense that you need my assistance, MOTW. Not to worry, sir! You're in luck! I oblige! "Erin Driscoll" anagrams to "rolled ricins." YOU ARE THE CHAMPION!

Well. There. I've done my good deed for the day.

I, too, ignored the rule and read the post even though I have never seen the show.

Igloo - remember Jurassic Park? The little kid hacks into the computer system, and just looking at the prompt says "Oh, this is a Unix system" - as if that means she now understands all the security and programs and whatnot. That was great.

On the other hand, how long would the "24" series last if 20 minutes of every episode went like this:

Driscoll: I need a list of everyone who has rented Ishtar in North America over the last seven months, right now.

Geekboy1: I'm on it. Here we go. Booting up. Should be just a few minutes here. Dang, I can't get on the network. Gerald, is something up with the firewall?

Geekboy2: Let me check. Huh. Can't ping it. Josh, did you run diagnostics on Obi Wan and Wookie last night like we discussed?

Driscoll: What? Obi Wan? Where's my list?

Josh: It's just what we've nicknamed some of the equipment - mostly from Star Wars, althought the spam server is named Gollum, that's from Lord of the Rings, he was totally computer generated and reminds us of..."

Driscoll: Shut up! Did you run the thingy on it?

Josh: No. I thought we said that was tonight, Gerald. Did you try a traceroute?

Gerald: No Josh, I'm a big parrot-user idiot. Of COURSE I tried a traceroute. Obi Wan is down. Why didn't Darth kick in on the automatic override?

Geekboy#3: Darth's 404.

Driscoll: Dammit! Can anyone access any information here? I need that list!

Geekboy1: Okay, I've got a dialup connection. Wow. This sucks. I can't take it. Anyway, why would anyone rent Ishtar?

Driscoll: Shut up! Give me my information right now or I will shoot you in the face, got it?

Geekboy1: I'm trying. Man is this crawling. Hey wait a minute, who's downloading BodaciousBoobies.jpg? That's like, 150 Meg! It's totally hogging the bandwidth here.

Geekboy2: Sorry.

C'bol -- That would be MUCH better.

I was able to download the list of everyone that rented Ishtar, and it only took about 2.7 seconds. There are only 1200 names on the list, anyway, and 127 of them are "Christobol." Maybe there's a bug in my software?

You'd never believe me if I told you that I saw Jurassic Park on the VERY FIRST NIGHT IT CAME OUT, but I'll tell you anyway, just to make sure I'm being as annoying as humanly or otherwise possible: I saw Jurassic Park on the VERY FIRST NIGHT IT CAME OUT.

Impressive? Or extremely impressive?

I am with you Dave!

And, of course, the guy on Independence Day who saved the world with hacking into the aliens supercomputer with his Apple laptop in less than 10 seconds....Sigh.... And I'm not a computer geek...

C'bol-Fantastic. Plus a 4 star review from El Supremo.
Not commenting on what I said I couldn't comment on, but commenting on similar absurdities in the movie/tv action/adventure genre (not Jenm-Aire, which is a indoor cooking device).
When the hero/ine finally discovers where the bomb/badperson(must be pc here)/captive/emergency/etc is located, the hero/ine heads directly to the location. They do not pass go, they do not collect $200.00 and they definitely do NOT call for help or notify one of 50,000 other sworn officers of the law who may be closer than the 100 miles the hero/ine is from the site of the impending disaster. Hello!

"Kathy Maddux Pearlman" anagrams to "malm hunk-dad/taxpayer."

How about THAT.

Recall the SNL sketch where Chris Kattan plays Antonio Banderas hosting the "How Do You Say, Ahh, Yes..." show? During the sketch, when "Antonio" starts taking off his shirt, the mariachi's begin screaming, "NO, NO, TOO SEXY!"

Well, that's how we ladies feel about Christobol.

C-bol: "Knock-knock!"

Lady Bloglits With Spanish Accents: "NO! OH, NO, AMIGO! DON'T! OUR HUSBANDS...!"

C-bol: "How bout this one? A priest, a rabbi, and a trained snake catcher..."

Lady Bloglits W/SA: "STOP! POR FAVOR! OH!"

C-bol: "...walk into this bar that has squirrel feces in the air conditioning system..."

Lady Bloglits: "NO, STOP, TOO SEXY! OH, MI DIOS! TOO SEXY!!"

Doug - Not to worry, sir! SIR?
MOTW cannot believe her eyes at the gender blunder the Great Doug has commited. Yet, she is gracious and willing to forgive him as long as he sends a goodly amount of Hershey's Dark Chocolate.

Ah, thank you for your expediency, Jeff! I see that you were already "all over it" as well as "on it".

Doug - that's pretty impressive. But not as impressive as this guy I heard about who found $20 at the Rose Parade. Now THAT was impressive.

Doug: I left work early to see Jurrasic Park on the day it came out! Neener neener! [And I didn't even like the book!]

Oho. Oh boy. I'd always referred to MOTW as "Man of the Week," in the back of my mind, where no one dares venture, even myself.

But that's definitely noted.

Doug - I believe MOTW (pron. "MOTT-WAH") stands for Movie of the Week.

Or Monkeys on the Wire, depending on what mood you're in.

That's funny, Doug. I always think of her as "Mother of the Weird." heh heh

Ho my, LabSpecimen! I think you deserve an anagram! That's the kind of mood I'm in after not sleeping all night! "Lab Specimen" anagrams to "be manciples."

You're very welcome!

I guess the lesson we can all learn from my mistake is that peace and harmony can still exist as long as we are all high on LSD.

Computer hacking on the screen?

Can you say "Matrix" I, II & III?!

"Am I The One, Oracle?"

If I want to stay out of trouble at work, I've found that a few key words uttered in the presence of technophobes can do wonders.

Boss: Where is the report?
Me: Uhhh...server mainframe network connectivity Excel Service pack 2 Norton antivirus.
Boss: *nodding gravely* I see. That sounds serious.
Me: *minimizing blog on screen* Oh yes, very serious.
Boss: Can you fix it?
Me: Yes, but it might require a raise.

Jurassic Park —

The book = ***** (5 Stars)

The movie = 5 dog doots

Now, breakfast; then, class; then, sleep until 2009, when Ralph Nader will finally, at long last, die of old age.

Doug - you're not even close!!! But you keep thinkin' Butch, that's what you're good at! (One of my favorite movie lines ever)

I think of her as "Master (well, in this case Mistress) of the World"

I think everyone should include it in their email closing - make people think it's some form of professional certification or something.

"Hi, I'm Higgy, PhD, CQM, MOTW. Nice to meet you."

Jeff: These are excellent points. On the positive side, we have to agree that the creepy terrorist mom who poisons AND shoots her son's girlfriend is one of the great creepy terrorist moms of all time.

Higgy, you forgot MOAT on the end of that....

That sounds like a waste of a perfectly good bullet.

Word Association?

When I see "MOTW," I always think, "WORD!" ("mot" = "word" en francais)

btw: Thanks, Jeff!

Doug, high on somethin.'

Tamara, yes. That is so right.

C'Bol, you're getting mighty warm in that shirt, aren't you now? Ohh, wouldn't it feel goood to slowly remove it from your oh-so Eric McCormack-esque (not 'the gay' but plays one on TV) bod?

I just know you have another squirrel-poop joke itching to be told... tell us baby...

There for awhile, a lot of crime-solving show-- all CSI variations, The Agency, Without a Trace and Alias -- were zeroing in on photos of people, and catching reflections in the eyes that solved the case. It was as though there was a network requirement that it be in every script.

Dave- your non-geezerness is showing, I remember this phenomenon from 'Hawaii 5-0' when McGarrett after the murders of 7 Portguese stenographers, would say, 'Get me a list of all red-haired fishermen with limps!'
Of course in those days, data retrieval was done using trained monkeys carrying punch cards, so it was a lot more efficient!
Trystan-totally agree about the 'infinitely zoomable' digital images. First time I saw that was in Blade Runner.

MOTW=Mother On The Web, as I recall it now in my golden years...

Is there a prize for guessing correctly? Maybe a glider squirrel in your pants, or something?

Insom: No, I remember Jack Lord giving those orders ("I heard a toilet flushing in the background! Get me the name of everybody on Oahu with indoor plumbing!") But at least Dan-O would take a LITTLE time getting the information.

Stop the presses! It is true, I have switched loyalties from 24 to CSI, but still - what happened to Jack Bauer's daughter? She's gone? What about that incredibly annoying double agent who kept showing up and everyone would trust her again and then ooops! She's still bad!

MOTW - My Organs Touch Weather. So she blogs naked. Who doesn't??

Cbol- how is the itching? Did Mad's ButtButter seem to help at all? I too am itching to know. Also, if you have any left can you love me the bucket?

Oh, insomniac, thanks for bringing up McGarrett! Everything in 5-0 was sooo high-tech and high fashion.
slyeyes, you make an excellent point, as usual.
I love the way the fingerprint searches flash, beep, and slide over one another when there's a match.
mudstuffin's guess: Mrs. Oswald Thwacker Weasel.

I liked "forefighter" better.

C'bol--that was funnnay!!
( hi ppl!)

I'm more of a Desperate Housewives kinda gal myself.

AND, none of them EVER have a bad hair day.
the agents i mean...
( elle..hilarious)
*loves Mr Fish a scarf*

On the digital image zoom and catch crooks thingies - that's real. Since the double-secret anti privacy act of 1947 all cameras have been equipped with secret 14.9 gigapixel capture capabilities.

Only recently has this been used to solve crimes, however. More commonly, photomat geeks use it to zoom in on your nipples.

Hi Jeff!
i have no idea what u guys r talking abt...
anybody here wanna discuss the A team?
:P

Bang Bang Bang i !!

Ahh much better thanks, it's a little chilly today. ;)

*turtle*

Indefintely zoomable images? The first time I saw that was in the Brady Bunch episode where Greg cracked a rib playing football, and was taking pictures of his girlfriend cheering on the sideline.

He was able to zoom in directly on the foot of the player to see if it was out of bounds or not. It didn't matter that the player wasn't the object of focus in the picture, not at all...

And he was able to do it all in his darkroom, with no computer enhancement needed!

Eleanor - That's a good line but the best one was:
Think you used enough dynamite there Butch?

Sure, Bangi! I love it when a plan comes together!

PS. I notice that in Tom Clancy novels the intelligence agencies never spend $170 million or more for computer software that doesn't work, either!

otherDave - Mike and Carol were so proud of Greg, and Alice made something special just to celebrate!

Of course, by next year, "24" will be down to bringing in celebrity guest stars.

Jack: I can't believe how bad THIS day is going.

Driscoll: Really? Because, you've had some really bad days.

Geekboy1: [Dave Barry guest stars] - Yeah, John, remember that day your daughter took off with your partner?

Jack: It's Jack, Gerald, and yes, I remember that.

Geekboy1: I think I'm Josh. *looks around* I'm Josh, right?

Driscoll: It doesn't matter, just hit the keys.

Geekboy1: What's the point? I've got blue screen of death here.

Ricardo: [Keanu Reeves guest stars] Come on Jason, let's go get some grub and then beat up some villians.

Jack: It's Jack dammit! Who are you? Did you just say villians?

Ricardo: I'm Ricardo, your new partner.

Jack: What? You don't like a Ricardo.

Ricardo: Well, I am.

Geekboy1: I'll be Ricardo.

Driscoll: You're Gerald. Just type.

Ricardo: No, he's Josh. Gerald gets eaten by rats.

Gerald: [James Spader guest stars] I get eaten by rats?
***

I will definitely watch next season.

It's funny you mention that because the lady who plays Erin Driscoll is Alberta Watson who pretty much played the same role on La Femme Nikita a while back :)

SteveB -
Sundance: "I can't swim!"
Butch: "What? Are you kidding, the will kill you!?"

Hi Bangi - how's the hair color???

Well.. phew.. I thought Jack's daughter was dead. Knew about the partner, stopped watching before the baby part.

My money is on the evil double agent's twin showing up next. Are the two agents, the good looking guy at the agency who got shot in the neck then caught in the building during the biological weapon episode and that pretty wife of his still on the show?

Cbol - wouldn't Spader's character say "I get to be eaten by rats?

U know wat, I'd like Clancy much better if he stopped describing every gun and every boat down to the very last detail and just get on with the story.
and i couldn't take all of Jack's soul searching either. or was that John?
*avoids Jamester's gaze and goes back to reading books with pretty pictures*

I want one of those extrapolatin' 'puters like they had in Enemy of the State... They were somehow able to rotate a photo and see a bulge in a package that was hidden from the camera. It's FM

Eleanor:-hair colour's fine i think... some ppl luv it, and some ppl think i had too much coke to drink.
next time-- blue highlights! what do u think?

I watched 24 for about fifteen minutes. I tuned in on the part where the Good Guy was in a car chase after the Bad Guy. With the fate of Western Civilization in the balance, he elected to go into harm's way without backup, and without telling anyone but a Computer Chick what he was doing; even that was "off the record".

I thought, "Sheesh! That plot device was worked to death back when they made Charlie's Angels." And then I changed channels.

Good point, Bangi. The other funny (not ha ha) thing that happens in all the Clancy books is that every character is the absolute best at whatever it is they do.

Jack took his semiautomatic target pistol out of the hidden compartment in his thigh and expertly aimed it at a pore on the nose of the Chinese embassador twenty two thousand feet away. Lesser men would have been nervous about the shot, but Jack, having invented gun powder, bullets, pistols, and having taught Stephen Hawking about the physical properties of wind vis a vis bullet defraction over distance, gave it no thought.

Meanwhile, Tonto expertly assembled a personal assualt helicopter. [131 pages lifted directly from the helicopter assembly manual appear here]. As he tightened the last nut, he reflected on his days as a simple astrophysicist when he used to run NASA. No time for that now, though, as he needed to blow up the eastern seaboard before dinner. The whole evil plan was coming together, and nothing, nothing would stop Tonto from avenging his perceived snubbing at the Golden Globe awards. That is, unless someone shot a particular pore on the Chinese ambassadors nose - the one that was connected to the G589 Mainframe Targeting System in Guantanimo, but that was impossible. No one would think to look in such a genius hiding place...

Cbol, thanks for substituting "pore" for "seeping pustule." I was afraid you were going to ruin our lunches.

I always demand mediocrity in my fictional characters . . . thanks Dave.

C'bol, are you channeling someone from the famed "Algonquin Roundtable" today. Dorthy Parker, Edna Ferber, Robert Benchly?
Although this site is more like the "Booger Table", the social commentary and off the cuff stories are surely (not Shirley) reminiscent of those halycon days of yesteryear when literary wit was cherished. Had Dave lived back in those Days, I am sure his literary career would have flourished without having to rely on that "penis thing".

Know what I learned in Conversational Spanish class last week? "Tonto" means dumb.

Cbol and Bangi- I'm glad I'm not the only one who's noticed that Jack Ryan in Clancy's books does everything except raise the dead and walk on water. Although I suppose it could always just show up in the next book......

Rita- Here's some more Spanish: "Puta" means "pretty" and "Chinga tu madre" means "I love you".

Robert Benchley quote: "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."

I love me some Robert Benchley!

Elle, call me "Slow". I almost corrected your spanish before I realized you were being (gasp) sarcastic!

Oops, "sarcastic" was not the word I meant.

George S. Kaufman quote: Once when asked by a press agent, "How do I get my leading lady’s name into your newspaper?" Kaufman replied, "Shoot her."
He would probably get arrested today.

Don't even get me started on CSI:Miami.

Black Hummers? Try white Ford vans, that's what the real Miami CSI drives.

The offices? They look like something a billionaire in the Hollywood Hills would own. Black walls? Glass staircases? Halogen mood lighting. Try flourescent and cubicles, would be my guess

I can't watch 24 - it's like 22 episodes of "to be continued"!!! I'll wait for the DVD!

*whimpers in corner because Dave picks THIS thread to participate in*

and, oh yeah, Christobol - James Spader actually represents a large corporation defending itself against a class action law suit by a large number of rats and the Reverend Al Sharpton. During the proceedings Captain Kirk shoots the rats with a phaser beam set to "liquify" and James Spader dresses up in a rat suit and eats Murphy Brown. The whole things ends with Killer Beez, the comedian, whacking Al Sharpton in the back of the head with a frying pan. The judge, played by Dylan McDermott, fires the entire cast and crew and tries to revive, "The Practice" but is thwarted when all Camryn Manheim can say is "I'm Denny Crane".

Thanks for the spanish tips, elle! I can't wait to use what I learned on my mother-in-law. She's Mexican.

My main question on 24....

If it's the fourth season, shouldn't it be "96" by now?

Just a thought.

First of all, the reason their (not they're or there) computers work is because they are disguised Macs.

Secondly, I always thought MOTW stood for "More On The Way"

Thirdly, I only know Sutherland b/c his grandfather used to be premier of my home province.

*falls off chair laughing*
*faints*
nite y'all

the canadian invasion continues!

Anybody notice that this thread is beginning to rival (not the dog food) a Tom Clancey Novel in length, if not in inventiveness.

All I have to say is that somewhere down the line I hope this new "24" president screws things up so badly that President Palmer has to come back and set things right. I do not like this new administration.

Klynn-

It's not as bad as what we did to my kid sister when she was little. My brother and I convinced her that "fish stick" and "nifty" were the NAUGHTIEST words in the English language and to NEVER say them to Mom and Dad.

Sure enough, the next time she got mad at them she started screaming "NIFTY!! FISH STICK!" My parents couldn't figure out WHY she was screaming these words, but we let the joke continue until they announced that they were going to take her to a doctor to see if she had Tourette's syndrome.

She still looks a little twitchy whenever we walk by the frozen food aisle. I consider it the mark of a job well done.

Elle - that spanish lesson made me spit apple (and I'm not even eating apple).

igloo - more like Stream of Conciousness Theatre

Coach Carter: So put those balls away and study! If you don't pass the test Thursday, you don't play Friday!

Gandalf: I am the keeper of the answers, weilder of the fires of Urudrum. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Chandler/b>: Could this guy be any meaner?

Luke: I kinda have a thing for my sister.

Scotty: Oh come on Coach! They've given 'er all they've got! They just can't pass!

Kaffee: That's not true!

Jessup: You can't handle the truth!

Chrissy: Where's my bra?

Scarface: Let me introduce you to my little friend.

Chandler: Wow, that is little. Could you be any more pathetic.

Coach Carter: All right, all of you people get out of here or you shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon you!

Dave Barry: Booger.

Sounds like Jeff has TV Show Rage.

To add to the amazing talents of the characters on TV ~ Have you all noticed on CSI (one of my favorite shows) that the crime scene investigators managed to investigate and solve almost all crimes without the aid of detectives or regular police?

Got scared for a minute. Elle's NIFTY! FISHSTICK! TOURETTE'S! story; the Chandler be's; and Jeff having TV Show Rage all made me laugh out loud. I was beginning to think I'd become one of those mindless people who laughs at everything. Again.

yeah Jack's annoying daughter is gone but now we get to watch Chloe O'Brain whose strange faces and lip antics catch my attention. Almost to the point of missing some of the plot. Does it seem that she really is booted out of CTU or will she along with the trusted Jack make the big play and save the day.

Considering that CTU supposedly protects all of us (at huge Federal expense) and considering also that the Secret Service protects not only the SecDef but also the POTUS...

...isn't odd that so many hue things have been corrupted at CTU because of double agents?

...how safe is POTUS if SecDef can have his hardened limo hit by a SAM in the middle of a Viginia suburb?

...why is it *everyone* trusts Jack, even though so many who have are dead?

Speaking of Tom Clancy: I once wrote a column in his style:

Far beneath the surface of the North Atlantic, inside the U.S. nuclear submarine Sea Turnip, Second Lieutenant Major Sergeant Commander Bart Brickman glanced at his watch. It was the Rolex Military Chronotron Model FX-6000, with 127 separate functions including day, date, tides, lunar phase, relative humidity and domestic beet production. The display revealed to Brickman that the time was 1400 hours. Brickman briskly punched this information into the Sea Turnip's main computer, the 6.5- skillion megabyte RZT-960000 DataHumper by Radio Shack. In less than one-billionth of a second, the computer flashed the result to Brickman on the cathode-ray-tube display: '1400 HOURS EQUALS TWO O'CLOCK.' Snack time. Brickman turned to the General Electric LS-MFT-53800000 'HellFrost' Naval Combat Mini-Fridge and punched in his Food Access Security (FAS) code. Silently the door swung open. With a practiced, easy motion, Brickman reached inside, extracted a Mister Mexico GRUBARF-210000000 Mixed Beef Parts Tactical Field Burrito, and slid it into the Amana AR-78X- 3287-9382000 'DeathWarmer' Microwave Oven With Amphibious Laser Defrost Capability. Then, using his right index finger, he . . .

And so on. Of course, Clancy is funnier.

Elle - that's hilarious on the "Nifty" and "Fishstick" front.

Kids will substitute words on their own though (or at least mine do). Once my 4 yr old yelled at the 2yr old in the bathtub: That's MY lunchbox so STOP IT from your pancakes!

Needless to say (and it goes without saying) no lunchbox or pancakes were in the tub.

Chris - LMFAO terrific.

Somebody wake Polly up. While we are commenting on the "Hollywood Unreality" universe.....someone should comment on the CSI's. I have it on good authority from a REAL csi friend that if you did all the tests they do in an episode, it would take you the rest of your life and cost more than the budget for Beer at the University of Texas's football dorm.

Two points on 24 this season:

1) When Jack needed to stall the guy at the gas station, why didn't he just give the guy a flat tire? That would have stalled him for at least 15 minutes. Instead, Jack fakes a robbery, takes hostages, and threatens a lot of people with his gun. It would be like using a grenade to slow down a rat infestation (maybe that will happen on season 5).

2) How many bad days can one dude have? Seriously.

amaranth - what's your home province?

I had the same high school English teacher as Keifer Sutherland (Doug Walker, Harbord Collegiate Institute, room 209). That's my claim to fame.

Sundance: "I can't swim!"
Butch: "What? Are you kidding, the will kill you!?"
hey jamester - wouldn't that be, the fall will kill you??? just askin'

Bangi - blue only works if hair is spiked and there is purple mixed in!
*loves Bangi a Coke*

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