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January 19, 2005

DID YOU WATCH AMERICAN IDOL LAST NIGHT?

Neither did we! We would never waste our time watching that crap. We much prefer reading Proust. But that one contestant? The large blond woman who was a really really really bad singer, even by American Idol standards, and heard voices in her head?

Whoa.

Comments

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Crap! I missed it! And I was so looking forward to making fun of people from the comfort of my own sofa.

I hear voices too, Dave, but I sing beautifully.

Not to mention that she had the ultra fashionable Ellen De Generous (sp?) look going on. Ummm, at least that's what I heard... I never watch that stuff either.

I bet she's fun to party with.

Um, Dave...?

It almost sounded as if you were trying to say that its not normal to hear voices in your head.

Do y'all know something we dont?

Her mental state was almost as scary as her camel toe.

You're just jealous because the voices don't speak to you!

I've never heard "America the Beautiful" sound like "America the Nails-on-Chalkboard" so many times as I did last night.

I tink the guy who said he was Toni Braxton's cousin was my favorite in terms of sheer deluded self-esteem.

Camel toe? Did someone say camel toe?

Damn, I missed it. I was busy conducting some quality assurance testing for the Anhuaser-Busch company.

Dang it...missed that one. Too busy getting ready for the Big Day on Thursday.

I'm going to watch it tonight for the first time. That is only because Ozzie Smith's son, OJ, is one of the contestants. He has sung the National Anthem at a Cardinal game or two, and he's not bad.

they played that clip on paul and ron this morning. she seemed like a nice girl. perhaps ddd should ask her out.

I have to admit I wasted my time watching it and LOVED IT!!!..That woman was a real nut case!

Yes and her camel toe was DISGUSTING!...

Damn, those houseplants were operating the remote-control again...And I must say, give the poor lady some credit...That was the best stand-up comedy I've seen in weeks.

Camel toe or no camel toe, that chick was scary.

elle - I agree on the guy who said he was Toni Braxton's cousin. The best was his foul-up of America the Beautiful:

"Oh boooo-ti-ee-ee-ee-oo--aa... Oh that was really, um, excrutiating wasn't it?"
"Ok, Here goes again... "Ow-oh-oh-oh Beeeeee-ooo-ooo-daba-ding... Oh, you're ummm bleeding from the ears now aren't you"
"AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH... Ohmigod...ohmigod... almost got swallowed by that camel toe"
"Ok, Ok... Beauteeeeeeeeee-i-oo--aa-zappa-doo... What? Well that last part was perfectilicious. I don't care what you say Simon"
"Did I mention I was Toni Braxton's 14th cousin twice removed on my step-father's side?"

Dave,

That's so weird, because last night I was watching Monty Python's All England Summarize Proust Competition (winner: "once in a swimsuit and once in evening dress"), and this obese blond woman who heard voices in other people's heads burst into my living room, sang Doin' A What Comes Naturally in a bad imitation of Ethel Merman, ate all my girlscouts and their cookies, and then dared me to gong her.

Seriously, isn't American Idol the new Gong Show but without the cool hat?

It's a tough decision, but I think I'll take Mark McGrath over Chuck Barris. This year's Idol has definitely stepped up the "look dumbfounded for as long as possible" routine after an audition, but I still can't look away from people who think that their attitude will get them to Hollywood.

Toni Braxton's cousin should be a stand-up comedian because he was hilarious! I missed the camel toe because I was blinded by Mary Roach's bad singing! I can't believe I missed it!

Elizabeth

proust is a bore. pbs is sooo last week .... for sheer cheap thrills, i love house hunters on home & garden. now, how stupid is it, watching people looking at houses to buy. then they pick one [always the 3rd one they show], get a 'surprise' call from the realtor - "HI, Egbert? Yes!! you got the house". "OK Phoebe, we'll talk to you later." Riveting TV.

And is it me or Do Paula's "Abduls" keep getting bigger with every season??

Househunting???!!! When you can see Camel Toe Mary and the Spanker on FOX? You missed-out, queensbee!

Paula must have borrowed some of her Abduls from Simon. I think his have shrunk.

Am I the only one who thinks that Simon is kinda gay??

Mr. Fisher, have you noticed a recurring theme in almost all of your posts everywhere regarding ramparts????

Where is Mrs. Fisher - I think you need some.....never mind!

My favorite was the guy (?) singing "Tomorrow" that held the last note through about 16 breaths. I was walking and talking to a friend on the phone and she was watching it and I heard it through the phone and seriously considered jumping in front of a truck just to make it stop.

*I hereby nominate myself for run-on sentence of the day*

Is anyone else coming to the conclusion that Dave stopped writing his column so he can watch TV?

Not that I'm criticizing....heck, that's why I'm not writing a column.

Well, there are other reasons, too.

Yeah, It's ok Eleanor, I'm a rampart fanatic. The Mrs. is all too aware and very participatory, but

Haven't you ever heard of a Horned Fish?? ;)

julietine, how can someone be 'kinda' gay? Like Robin Williams said, 'you're either gay, or you're not... the trick is to figure out which one you are, and then be it'.

Then of course, he was kinda gay in that one movie... whatever the name of it was.

Are you kidding? Back in the day, people were kinda gay all the time! It was not uncommon for big, burly lumberjacks to greet one another on the street, and say:

"How are you, Brutus?"
"Not bad, Jack! In fact, I'm kinda gay!"
"Come to think of it, so am I. Not euphoric, just, kinda gay!"
"Let's go grope some women!"
"Okay!"

But then, there was the whole penis thing.

ok sorry!!!...let me ask again:
so am I the only one who thinks Simon is Gay, Queer, Homo, fairy, whatever you want to call it???...

Well, he's probably not gay like Brutus and Jack back in the day.

* be kind, people, and remember that English is not julietine's primary language *

Okay. My favorite quote was from the guy who was a drunkard until very recently. He said, "I just found out I could sing two weeks ago." Incidentally, I think he was the guy who sang with several different voices. Two weeks, eh? How do we know he wasn't still drunk?

Exactly...thanks MOTW!

Sorry Julietine - I didn't think you were struggling with the language at all. However, you should be aware that, in the current PC climate the rules America, the appropriate term is buttgasmic (for men) and vibralingus (for women).

julietine: his girlfriend apparently doesn't, so I haven't given the matter much thought.

Christobol,

LOL

The thing that irks me about American Idol is that the program is so dishonest. They pretend to be trying to uncover new talent, and they conduct thousands of auditions. If they were really looking for talent and excellence, there's plenty of it out there. That's not what they want. It's hard to say which is greater: their contempt for the performers, or their contempt for the audience.

How'd we get here from head voices and camel toes anyway?

Oh, yeah. The Gong Show.

Good post, MOTW -

Did you know that you can get a buttgasmatron and vibralingusnator at the Walmart in Kankakee?

I miss William Hong. He was the best thing to come from that show. If he comes back I'll watch it again.

Perhaps Simon isn't so much "kinda gay" as "occasionally gay". Most of Hollywood is. C-Bol -what is the politically correct word for that? It used to be bisexual.

Somewhere North - I believe the current term for that is Prone to blackouts

Simon isn't gay... just British.

I am surprised at the number of posts that sounded like they regretted missing out on the camel toe thing. I, for one, am not sorry I missed it. As a matter of fact, I have rearranged my list to put "camel-toe" as the number one reason to NOT watch American Idol.

Well, then again, given the company I am keeping, I'm not as surprised as I thought I was.

True. I have heard that regular male visitors to England are very Prone to blackouts

... or is Simon 'metrosexual'?

Klynn,

I agree with you....I do not understand men's fascination with Camel Toes...and btw I did not find out what Camel Toes were until a friend told me to go to cameltoes.com and pointed them out to me...Everytime I heard those 2 words and thought they were actually talking about a camel and although it made no sense to me I was afraid to ask what they were talking about...until I finally asked...ever since then I have regretted asking

Jules, you are so good with English I forget it's not your first language. LOL at your comment! If you are like me, I recoiled in horror when figuring the term out. I wish I was still blissfully ignorant!

OK....I'm on lunchbreak at work and I went to cameltoes.com to figure out what it is...and it is blocked due to "sexual content".

Never heard that one.

To clarify: I've heard of being blocked due to sexual content....but I've never heard of any connection between sex and cameltoes.

Come to think about it....I don't hear much about camel toes on a day to day basis.

And from what I read above, I probably don't want to know.

I've just succeeded in completely grossing myself out. I have to go now.

MY EYES! OH MY GOD, MY EYES!!

Well, I did already know what they were, but there's this really stupid part of me that can't resist links when I already know what's going to be there...

*Hangs head in shame*

cameltoe.org
camel-toe.net
ratemycameltoe.com

Best line of the night.....

Simon(to overweight girl in horrendous mini-dress with raggy-looking strips hanging from it): "You dress better than you sing."

GAHHHH!!! I just HAD to see if the last site was real!

*weeps, allows Them to put the Special White Coat back on her*

OK...you've convinced me. I'm not looking.

I think everyone should watch American Idol. I f I didn't, I'd have never learned the real lyrics to our National Anthem, which apparently are...

O say can you see
By the dawn's early night
What so prowly we held
At the twinight's last geleaning

Whose bra stripes and bright stars
Through the pear-in-ous flight
Or the ramparts we watched
Were so galllanly steaming

And the rockets' red glare
The bombs burst in the air
Gave prue through the night
That our flag was still there

O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
For the land of the free
And the ho of the Braves

Thanks, I think I learned my lesson today...

And I think I may have seen that site before. Or at least heard of it.

Some people read the Bible cover to cover. I read every page of the Internet. Someone please save me from myself.

Sly, it's...something that could be said to look like two toes of a camel. I learned about it when Liv Tyler said "camel toes" on Conan O'Brien. She was wearing pants that weren't very comfortable in an important area.

....I get it now.....

Megan,

That was hilarious!!!

MeganBNL - Thanks for the lyrics to your National Anthem.

I think I speak for all Canadians, when I say that we're feeling rather superior right now... yup, can't wait to see the winners they're going to screen through on Canadian Idol... At least, Americans only have to go through this once. We have to live through it TWICE!

Help!

"ho of the Brave"? Is that what they call an Atlanta Braves' groupie?

Megan, that reminds me of Eddie Murphy's commercial for "Bu Wheat Sings!"
Unce ... Tice
Fee times a mady

MOTW, the best song from that commercial was:

???? ??? ???????
Uuoom duu fwada beu doo!
Fithin do be soo!

Ookin puh nub in aw da wong paces ...

She was just on the show to promote the new clothing line at Tommy Hilfiger - the Gilligan Collection!

Seriously I can neither sing or dress myself properly, yet I can at least acknowledge my shortcomings in these two areas.

I wonder if the "friends" who said she was a good singer were external or internal.

Not that I watched it or anything. I was watching something pretentious and/or boring on PBS.

*thinks about Mad's gallantly steaming ramparts*

*faints*

Not sure if this means anything, but an anagram for American Idol is:
A RANCID MOLE I

Or: I AM RANCID! OLE!

Based on all the above posts, I'm not going to look at cameltoes, since I still haven't gotten over being grossed out by the large rats last week! However, if anyone would care to give me a carefully worded verbal description......

Jeff! Whoa!

Jeff, your description is bit crytpic, allow me to be a tad more blunt:

A camaltoe is the resulting... hmmm, how shall I word this... wrinkle... in a woman's pants when the pants are... lordy, I'm trying to be tasteful... about 3 sizes too small, and thus her... oh, this is difficult... groinal anatomic features are telegraphed through.

Groinal anatomic features wbagnfarb

"Yes I'd like to register a complaint!"
"Sorry we're closed."
"Nevermind that. I'd like to register a complaint about my collagen I had injected into my labia in this here shop not half an hour ago."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"I'll tell you what the problem is, it's not pouty!"
"Pouty?"
"Yes. Why else get the injection?"
"You probably just have a cheerful labia."
"A cheerful labia! Look mate, I took the liberty of letting all of the Eastern tip of Long Island examine my labia and everyone agreed it's NOT POUTY."
"Well, I suppose I better replace it then.....I've had a look about the shop, and I'm afraid I don't have any pouty labias."
"I see! I see! I get the picture!"
"I can staple a live armadillo to your butt."
"Is that popular?"
"It's all the rage."
"All right."

Jeff,

On which website did you see that one?..I have to go see it...

The worst part of the show last night was when that girl was wailing:

You make me wanna, uh uh uh uh
You make me wanna, oh oh oh oh
You make me wanna, uh uh uh uh
You make me wanna.... screeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaam

Julietine, you are worse than me. No matter how grossed out we are, we simply cant stand it, we just have to go see!

Yes Klynn I admit it....and on another note..did anybody see the big black girl with the huge boobs who sang the YMCA song???..that was funny too..

Jeff, I thought it was

"Got a condom made of stone-ah"

CHEERFUL LABIA! AAAAAH! I love it!

Jeff: I had tons of records...as a kid...mostly things like The Chipmunks' Christmas album...and probably Disco Duck.

You saw Tut Live! *Envy!*

I've got a serious question for y'all... Are camel toes not stylish anymore? Should I go home and change pants? I was hoping the armadillo would be enough distraction... I've really grown attached to these pants...

The problem with Simon is wardrobe. He does not look right in those skin-tight sweaters. And last night he had his sleeves pushed way up to his armpits. That's just weird.

That website cameltoe.org is hilarious!...

i missed the camel toe damn it!! my name is beau galster

This looks like a must-buy!

Holy crap - listen to the samples on that album! LOL!

*taint*

Megan - I think it was "bra STRAPS and bright stars"

but I could be wrong.

The verse makes more sense that way - ramparts and all.

i dont get it, on the other hand... im too scared to go take a look
*cant decide*

*decides for Bangi*

Hi Bangi!

D'art!!!! stop controlling my mind!
and check out the M*** for a link.
( that's what u get fer deciding fer me)

Leetie:
"taint"? While the subject matter here is near the taint, I think I missed the taint part.

Does everybody know what a taint is? Tain't the hindquarters and tain't er, um, . . . what's on the other side of the hindquarters! The word comes from a Lewis Grizzard story.

Camel Toe
by Bob And Tom

You're a beautiful girl
And your pants are on so tight
That when you stand just right
I can see it all

When you're on the beach
And your bikini's soaking wet
I see a fuzzy silhouette
As I look down below
I see your camel toe

Your biscuit, your beavage
I see your cooter cleavage
Your monkey, your muffin
You ain't hidin' nothin'
Your coochie, your flapper
You're showin' off your snapper

Your camel toe
It looks alright so baby let it show
Looks like a big taco
I see your camel toe
(Merci madame, voila le bearded clam)

I could really go
For a sideways sloppy joe
Or a tuna casserole
Baby don't you know

I never thought I'd see
So much of your anatomy
Your jeans are so tight
I'm learning gynecology
I see your camel toe

Your (labia?), your vulva
Ooh ya know i love ya
Your (edna?) vagina, nothin' could be finer.
It's furry, it's fluffy, lookin' kinda puffy.
Your camel toe
It looks alright so baby let it show
Looks like a big taco
I see your camel toe
(Merci madame, voila le bearded clam)

Your biscuit, your beavage
I see your cooter cleavage
Your monkey, your muffin
You ain't hidin' nothin'
Your coochie, your flapper
You're showin' off your snapper

Your camel toe
It looks alright so baby let it show
Looks like a big taco
I see your camel toe

For all you King Tut maniacs out there, if you're interested, click on my name.

Leetie, that was the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. Thank you so much for getting me fired, I cant quit laffing, I have tears rolling down my face!

Leetie-
Just a note about your camel toe song...you forgot to tell everyone to sing it to the tune of the Beach Boy's "Cocomo". Wouldn't u luv to see that on American Idol!

Elvis with a toe.

OMG that Elvis camel toe is gross!!!

Are we going to get in trouble? For writing "vagina" 20 different ways?

If we are to be punished, we must first spank Leetie. We must spank her well, and after we have spanked her, we will deal with her as we like, and then, the rest of us will require spankings. Then, if we suppose we can all stay around a bit longer... the Roo-Roo!

Taint
by Bob and Tom

There's a little spot
every woman's got
between her cooter and her tushy.
It's the patch of skin
that sits right in
between your booty and your bushy.
It's just a notch
below your crotch
and your derrière's behind it.
In between the pink
and the stink
that's where your gonna find it.

Everybody sing!

Some are big,
some are small,
some are hairy,
some are the meat.
Taint your heiny.
Taint your vaginy.
That's why we call it taint.

Taint our heinies.
Taint our vaginies.
hat's why we call it taint.

It's like standing next to a portelet and a fish fry.

There's a little spot
every fella's got
between his pecker and his rectum.
It's not your meat,
it's not your seat,
it's only there to connect 'em.
If you wanna glance
just drop your pants
it's hiding under your nutsack.
It's rarely seen
and it's rarely clean
because it's next to your buttcrack.

Come on, girls!

Some are big,
some are small,
some are hairy,
some are the meat.
Taint your bottom.
Taint your scrottom.
That's why we call it taint.

Taint our bottoms.
Taint our scrottoms.
That's why we call it taint.

Parenium, parenium.

Come on ladies, let us see 'em.
Some are skinny, some are fat.
Your's is bigger than a hat!

Some are big,
some are small,
some are hairy,
some are the meat.

Taint your pooter.
Taint your cooter.
That's why we call it taint.
Taint you poopshoot.
Taint your skinfloot.
That's why we call it taint.
That's why we call it taint!

i just luv that bob n tom!!!

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