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January 17, 2005

CRIME IN NORTH JERSEY

If these people are upset about this, we can't imagine how they're going to react to the Sopranos.

Update: We didn't think this was a registration-required site -- at least it wasn't the first time we clicked on it -- but somehow it seems to have mutated into one. We apologize, and promise to have the appropriate party whacked.

Comments

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Why are they upset about having to register to this news source? Is it because they feel inferior for living in New Jersey?

'Whacked Appropriate Parties' wbagnf, you know...

If I register with the New Jersey site, does that make me a "made" man or do I also have to off someone?

I live in the south so I don't know these things.....

Thanks....

What on earth did that guy do to the squirrells that started such a fuss? Do I have to look out for SPCA officials whenever I hit one with my car? I'll also have to ensure I don't blurt out a confession.

Another thought: what does the SPCA think about those spinning bird feeders that launch squirrels into the stratosphere? (I do so know how to spell squirrel).

"Needlessly killing a squirrel"

When does a squirrel need killin'?

I think I shall never wash these finger tips again. First, twice in one day. And Dave wrote to me. Must be me and only me he wrote to, since there were no other bloggers on the this breaking news alert. Now I know how Moses must have felt talking to a burning b_ush(I placed the underscore between b and u(not ewe)just in case the gentle people at N ESS A are combing the internet looking for threats against you know who, who is being feted this week in Dirty City (DC)). Did I close my parenthesis properly?
Where was I. Dang, I just can't recall.
Somedays it just isn't worth it to chew the straps off, just to get out of bed.

Lab - a squirrel needs killin' when it wakes you up at night doing the flyin' squirrel olympics in your bedroom. Eighteen such squirrels have needed killin' so far this year. Actually, that's not true, more needed killin', it's just that eighteen got killed.

However, just so no one would get unnecessarily offended, I did dip them live into my secret batter and then deep fried them, charging $8 dollars a plate, which is much less than you would expect to pay in a fine dining establishment.

Several locals are actually serving jail time for violence stemming from the "tastes like chicken" arguments.

C-bol: Less filling!

Lab - who told you my college nickname?

I decided to fake registration just so I could read the article. (shameless, I know)

strange - the username 'booger' was already taken. I wonder how many of y'all have also done fake registrations?

"Booger?"
"It's a family name."
"It's the name of a slimy mucous ball that comes from your nose."
"Thank you, I'm not slimy."
"Sure, not now. But there are two kinds of slimy mucous ball people: those who are born booger-looking, and those who start out normal looking, but then turn more and more boogery every day. You'll get married, squeeze out a few pups, and then one morning you'll look in the mirror and notice that you are green, moderately viscuous, and have little hairs stuck in you."

You bring up a good point, Jeff: When are we going to get a comprehensive national standard on animal cruelty laws? Leaving it up to the county puts us in the awkward position where you can be jailed in Carroll County, KY for failing to squeeze a squirrels nipple "until such time as it whistles to your satisfaction"; while in Goshen's Creek, VT, you might be jailed for underfeeding squirrels during your lunchbreak.

What, are we all supposed to carry The US County by County Squirrel Regulations Handbook with us everywhere we travel?

Actually, C-bol, since you are from out of state, you need a special license to commit squirrel cruelty in Kentucky. I, on the other hand, can squeeze a squirrel's nipple for as long as I like, without fear of arrest!

And, as to your college nickname, I guess you've forgotten that night when you got drunk at O'Hanlon's Pseudo Irish Pub and Laundromat and got picked up by that "woman" wearing the green dress and singing "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling." Is it coming back to you yet?

*flipping through pages of Kentucky County-By-County Animal Cruelty Regulations*

Oh, look! I can kick bunnies on weeknights before 8:00 p.m.

*goes off to look for boots*

"What are you in for?"
"Out of state squirrel nipple squeezing without a permit."
"Bend over."

no fake registration here. I'm the one who is not real !! Ha ha ha. I am SANE!

Lab and Cbol - there is yet another complication. Was it a migratory squirrel or a resident squirrel - the seasons are separate.

But they all taste the same in the stew.

Does that mean the Electric company can be held liable for "needlessly" frying innocent squirrels?

get around any login by using
www.bugmenot.com

has a database of log ins and passwords so ones that really don't need your name and eamil, like newjersey.com don't get it.

"I said, bend over, squirrel pincher."
"Wait - it wasn't a resident squirrel. It was migratory. I fed it to some guy named Stu."
"Squirrels don't migrate, buddy."
"It was on the back of a goose."
"Oh, okay then. Want a cigarrette."
"I guess. You're my bitch now, right?"

C'Bol, I'm impressed with the phantom Breakfast Club parody scene, substituting Booger for "Claire" and booger-looking for "fat." Bravo, young sir. You are to be commended. (And now, you have been.) Cheers,

Thanks, Targetgirl. I assumed it was recognizable, and thought that people worldwide would appreciate the opportunity to substitute booger-looking for fat.

I'm confused ... (what else is new?) - r.e.:

... alleged April squirrel shooting by May ...

So, did someone shoot a squirrel in April? Or in May? Is this a crime because the spring season is open in April, but not May? Or vice versa?

Or does it mean that the squirrel was shot in April, but by May, it still hadn't died?

Or some young lady named April decided to go hunting with her Dad and brothers, to show them that girls can hunt, too ... and she shot a squirrel? (In May, apparently.)

Or that someone named April is alleged to have shot a squirrel, but by May they still had not found proof of that action?

Or that the shooting actually took place, and some legal beagles allege it was in April, and others of that ilk allege it was actually in May?

What is the statute of limitations on alleging a crime has been committed? Does it end in April? Or May? Or never?

Or does this story really say that someone alleges that a squirrel shot someone named April, in May?

Or someone was shot, allegedly by a squirrel, allegedly in May, but they got the news in April, thanks to the blog clock?

Or that the squirrel shot someone named April, but the news still had not leaked out by May?

Or that someone May have alleged a squirrel shot someone else in April, in self-defense?

I'm confused. Or did I mention that already? (The age thing, you know ... I'm so old I've even forgotten what the penis thing is ... let alone what it may be for ...)

Don't want to register?

No problem. This works

redsoxrule
ydatem

It's from bugmenot.com

Better still, the Red Sox DO rule!! ("We are the champions my fre-end...")

I have not been online in a very long time and was very disappointed to read that Dave has decided to "find himself". In fact, I nearly was kicked out of the library for wailing "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
But then I came to the blog, and I found Dave!! So Dave; You Are Here. (insert imaginary arrow). We've found you. You can go back to being funny now. Besides...if you really wanted to "retire" (And what the hell would you do that for? are you so rich you can retire at 29?? Huh??) you would not be sitting at your computer blogging all day. So there. (insert raspberry noise here)

E.T.O

Just the facts, ma'am, or sir in this case.

Squirrel seasons usually open in early fall, end by late winter, or before.

Beagles, legal or other wise are employed to hunt rabbits, not squirrels. There are squirrel dogs, but no specific breed.

April Showers bring May Flowers.

I dated May, but preferred to shower with April.

Then there was that whole penis thing, but it's pretty much over now.

Questions?

Midget - where you been? You might want to email Joshkr. I can say no more. (nudge nudge wink wink)

Better still, the Red Sox DO rule!! ("We are the champions my fre-end...")

Red Sox fans are soooo arrogant - they win one championship in 86 years and think that gives them the right to quote Queen!

Scaramouche, scaramouche, dance the fandango!

>>If these people are upset about this, we can't imagine how they're going to react to the Sopranos.

pogo -

... tell me more about April ...


El Tio Oma'r: You've completely misinterpreted the story. The squirrel's NAME was April, she was killed needlessly in May, by an SPCA double agent named June.

On the other hand, there was a young man a few posts ago whose spelling assignment included the sentence, "I feel it is my duty to fight squirrels." Tony Soprano is investigating.

kj -


Ooooooooooohhhhhh ... NOW I get it ... I knew June hadda be there somewhere ...

Thank you for your very August enlightenment.

Jeff-
I have been finding myself. It turns out I was in the very last place I looked. I didn't want to join the many who thought I used to be shorter. Anyway, have I been missed?? I thought I was forgotten in the haze of monkey-island moataritas. Perhaps I shall drop Josh a note. Has he been spotted lately??

Also-Eleanor,

You have misquoted the late great Freddie Mercury. The Line is...

"Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango".

This has been brought to you by the good people with too much time on their hands.

"Besides...if you really wanted to 'retire' [...]you would not be sitting at your computer blogging all day."

*Whispers*

Midget--shhhhhhh...

We don't want Dave to stop blogging.

If he stopped that, too, we'd all go insane.

*Scrunches up face in thought*

Well, I suppose more than a few of us have already reached that point. Oh, well.

Ah, Eleanor, let me guess: New York, huh?

Red Sox fans are grateful, not arrogant. When the Yankers are "only" AL Champs, the lovely and supportive New Yawk fans are ready to run the team out of town on the rail! I mean, how DARE the Yankers not win it all. George PAYS them plenty to win it all - each and every time!

On a (slightly) more serious note, my real problem is the fact that many New York fans are physically incapable of being gracious winners. They don't seem to understand that it's just baseball or football or whatever. I base this observation on having season's Miami Dolphins tickets and Florida Panthers tickets. I go to many Florida Marlins games. Best of all, I listen to local sports talk shows.

Here is a grown man's reply to a sports question: "J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!" Jeez, how can you argue with that?

But I think it was worth losing to watch the 'Mastercard' commercial spoof:

Dennis Leary: "I never said that." *reads paper* "OK, I guess that sounds like something I would say." *sound of shears*

Sorry to break this thread of thought, but

this is either a call for help (most likely, one hopes) or a fraud alert ...

I bought some bricks in the wall, and it let me name one, and then kicked me out and I can't get back ...

(I've fallen, and I can't get up...)

And, when I mailed a request for help to:
question@rebuildinghope.org
my email kicked it back, saying "no one there by that name" ...

Help? (Boy, do I feel stupid/old/inept/all of these ...)

(I put this here, because not many folks are looking at - or posting on - the other site ... sorry.)

tnx

(going back to check for typos in address ...)

Is this you, U.O.?

1358
Anne & U.O. Bradley
Nodak

to answer my question: yes
See? Not everything is a plot against you. It's me, usually.

Trystan - Although I was born in New York and have a great affinity for NYC, I live in southern CA and have been a National League person my whole life - However, last season I accidentally fell in love with A-Rod, to the great distress of many of my friends, but it was something beyond my control - so I rooted for the Yankees while none of my friends would speak to me and then they broke my heart!!

I have had that problem with other men before, she said in a moment of candor!

And Midget, thank you for the correction - I knew I was missing a syllable or 2 - I have the video of their 1986 concert at Wembly Field (am I right on th at?) and I watch it a lot - it's so sad that Freddie Mercury was one of the early victims of AIDS - they'll never ben another rock star like him, IMHO...

jeez, I just noticed that Paul/Ingrid/Hannah/Carl Turner of Frankfort & Charlotte bought 500 bricks! Wowee-Zowee!

M/PA -

correctamundo ... but I had nine more bricks to name ... with the kids and grandkids ...

just got an email ... going to check it ...

M/PA -

nope, junk ... even macs get junk mail that slips thru spamguard ... one of the hazards of ever checking "yes" on the internet ...

nope, I've gone a couple of places, address is spelt ok, and no other way to get back to where I was ... oh, just thot of one ... and got another email ... going to check both out ...

M/PA -

Got it.

Dunno how, or howcum, but I hadda go around back and crawl thru a doubleyew-eye-en-dee-oh-doubleyew
(Don't dare say the "W" word here ... knowwhutImean?) and make about three tries before I got done ... I think it's the el Cheap-o server I've got ...

tnx4 not laughing out loud where I could hear it ...

Midget, Joshkr was spotted recently, but some salve cleared that up right nicely.

sly' -
I hope those spots were non-toxic colors ...

oh, wait ...

that's fish finders, when they mark fish in color ... that's when it's s'posed to be non-toxic ...

never mind ...

I think I know who is responsible. I am not at liberty to divulge the name of the criminal without first being compensated with a lifetime supply of free cheeseburgers and/or subscriptions to Playboy, but I can tell you that his first name is Dr. and his last name is either Phil or McGraw.

So, okay, Dave. I have done my part; I'll expect my cheeseburgers and magazines by Thursday afternoon. Nice doin' business wit'cha, buddy!

Doug - that's an excellent pairing. Because, if you get yourself a lifetime supply of free cheeseburgers, rest assured the only naked women you will ever see will be in a magazine!

So true, Chris! So true!

Hey, U.O, I emailed the Trinity Lutheran Church yesterday to make sure the brick site was legit and I got a reply from them saying it was. I'm trusting that it is, in that case. I posted a similar thing on that thread.

"It's Doug!"

*crowd of naked women screaming in front of stage*
crowd: "Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!"
Doug dressed as rock star: "Now who wants another cheeseburger?"
*more women join the crowd...frantic undressing*

Doug whispers: "Never underestimate the power of a lifetime supply of cheeseburgers"

I think people have missed the (ancient point) here:

Squirrel Nipple Squeezers wbagnfarb....

and for you ladies out there...

Squirrel Nut Zippers...oh, wait a second.. it's been done... never mind.

what do i have to do to read the article?

wack a guy....off a guy....wack off a guy....cause im married.

"Hello"
"Thank you for calling the North Jersey Media Group"
"Look, I just whacked off a guy and I still can't get into your northjersey.com website"
"You whacked off a guy?"
"Yes"
"Why?"
"To get access to your website"
"All you have to do is register"
"With my personal information? Are you kidding me!"
"It's not quite as personal as whacking off a guy"
"I'm afraid I'll get spam"
"You could make up an e-mail address"
"But that would be dishonest"
"Were you honest with the man you just whacked off?"
"Umm... not completly"
"Yes?"
"Well, I said I would call him I would vote for him in his comeback bid"
"Are you telling me you whacked off the former governor?"
"Should I have gone squirrel shooting with a former councilman, or what?"
"Just make up an e-mail address sir... and register"
"How can I get him to stop calling me?"
"Good-bye sir"

WC, you wouldn't get spam, but you'd get something that's spelled pretty 'bout the same

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