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December 13, 2004


Toilet Nirvana

(Thanks to Deanna Peugot)


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"Why are you leaving?"
"Well, first your toilet electrocuted me, then it informed my that I'm fat."
"But, it's just a mild shock, and, well, you are fat."
"Well I didn't need your toilet to tell me that, ok? By the way, I crapped on your scale. Merry Christmas!"

Big Brother is watching you... and he says you're not getting enough fiber.

"What the hell took so long in there, Jeff? Are you unwell?"
"I'm fine! Just getting a butt massage from the toilet seat. Nothing weird or anything."

. . . Toto, Japan's toilet giant . . .

[in dubbed voice] "Look, over there! It's Toto! And his seat is up! Run for your lives, aaaaaaaahh!"

Ah yes, from the "because they can" files (pun intended).
"In a Japanese house, "the only place you can be alone and sit quietly is likely to be the toilet," said Masahiro Iguchi,"
- not for much longer, if these yahoos have their way...

Hey there's nothing wrong with getting electricity in your buttocks...is there?...not that I would know..

Hideki Nishioka, a 90-year-old retired professor who CHAIRS the Japan Toilet Association, and is as regular as clockwork, has good blood pressure, doesn't drink too much and eats all his peas, stated that the Binford WellyouXXXV will include such 'perks' as a Starbucks latte assimilator and shiatsu anal massage.

This article is PACKED with delightful phrases. Just a few of my favorites:

primitive toilet cultures
exotic toilet features
ferocious toilet research
Japan's toilet giant
toilet of the future
commode market
"smart toilets" running amok

"...Toilet jet sprays, which sometimes confuse foreign visitors with disastrous results..."

I guess folks just aren't ready for the AnuJet 4000 (TM).

And how could I forget

toilet wars

Jeff, you sure you didn't come up with this story first? Or were you too, um, erm ... preoccupied, getting your buttocks massaged?

Oh, yeah Baby! A little more to the right cheek ...

Leetie - Suggesting the newer model will be unveiled with whipped cream and a cherry on top would be too much, right?
The toilet industry is flush with excrement ... uh ... excitement!

Japanese toilet: (to Homer) I would be humbly honored to accept your waste.

And meanwhile, in Swaziland, sidewalks are routinely defiled !

Toilets that entertain you with bird chirping while you sit? Can't the Japanese just read a magazine like everyone else?

I actually went to Japan and I have to say either the toilet is like the space shuttle or it is a hole in the ground. Nothing in between at all. And be VERY careful which buttons you push on the space shuttle or very startling things happen that North Americans are NOT expecting.

Couldn't they just make more cameras or something?

The heated seats on the other hand were very appreciated since Japenese do not have central heating. The warmest spot in the house was the toilet.

And we're here b*tching about low-flow toilets???

I think "anus massaging water jets" should be specifically outlawed by the Constitution...

Well, maybe not. 50 million Japanese can't be wrong...

And yes, I guessed at that number...

Equipped with microchips, these models
would go beyond music, greeting each user with a
personalized message, perhaps a recorded word of
encouragement from Mom or a kindergarten teacher.

Now that's scary!

Perhaps it is just me but the last thing I want to hear while sitting on the toilet is my teacher talking to me. Or any voices. That would make me jump up in alarm and then those odor absorbing tiles would need to be moisture absorbing too.

*mothers voice coming from toilet*

"More than two shakes is masturbation. And put the frikken seat down!"

True story -
A close friend of mine just bought a new house. The second-story master bathroom has a skylight as its only window.
The first morning after moving in, the Lady of the House occupied the throne and felt, well, uncomfortable ... as though someone was watching her. She cast a glance upward toward yon skylight and spied a squirrel staring intently upon her personage. Kind of like he was checking out the new guys on the block, you know?

c-Bol - LOL!

ferocious toilet

hee hee hee

Mad, clearly you're in the wrong field. Forget all that curing diseases, helping the sick nonsense. You could be designing ass-o-cution toilets!

Ferocious Toilet Research WBAGNFARB.

Somewhere North is right. The bathrooms in Japanese homes can be incredible. Way beyond bells and whistles.

Good thing they have diagrams on the toilets...

Person 1: Are you done in there?

North American: Um.. just a minute.. Now which button does this.... WHOOOPS! Not that one. Was that a toilet snake massaging my anus? Hold on let's try... this one. OUCH! What the dangnabit was that? Electric jolt?,...

Person 1: Are you done? Come on man, I gotta go!

North American: Coming! Okay, okay... this one.... *You weigh 250 pounds and remember, 2 shakes only* SHHHH!!

Person 1: Did you say something?

*sound of North American smashing toilet* FLUSH YOU CRETIN!

Person 1: Um... I'll just use the womans.

Butt Weasel (haha I said butt weasel) I promised to use my scientific powers for good not evil

Talking scales is bad enough. Is EVERYTHING in the bathroom going to judge me?

Another factor stimulating toilet research is the fact that Japan's population is PEAKING...

Maybe this last word is a typo.

Ferocious Toilet Research? I would think that any toilet that electrocutes you when you sit on it is pretty ferocious. :P And what happends if you have a little too much saki...do you come out of the bathroom with burn marks on your forehead?

A corollary to MOTW's story: My kids' babysitter had to relocate all her clients to her mother's house one day because the toilet wasn't working--turned out that a squirrel had fallen or climbed into the vent pipe and got stuck. The plumber told her that it was an adult sqirrel; if it had been a baby, it could have come all the way through the pipe into the toilet itself. Several of the kids were being potty trained; can you imagine the years of therapy they would need if they were on the pot, looked down, and saw a furry face looking back at them? (Or bit them...)

I think they're missing the point. I'm still waiting for them to design a bathroom that doesn't act as the equivalent of a megawatt amplifier for every sound that occurs in there. Sometimes I think the bathroom designers did this on purpose. I mean, the toilet bowl acts on the same acoustic principle as The Hollywood Bowl, with the net effect being that all of your gross noises are amplified and presented in high-definition surround-sound. And the bathroom walls are done completely in non-sound-absorbing tiles, ensuring that every noise will bounce like hell all over the room before finally fading out. I think this has to be someone designer's idea of high comedy.

Oops..."some designer's idea of high comedy."

" ... only place ... alone and sit quietly ... the toilet ..."

Well THAT'S a new flash. As the father of three daughters, I knew that long ago, and it took the Japanese this long to figure it out?

... a mechanical arm ...

Could this be utilized as a catapult?

Catapulting Toilets wbagnfarb.

Talking toilets: "What makes you think your s**t don't stink?

The most important question is unanswered, however.

How much water does it take to flush?

Do you think they'll come with helminths?

I'd be happy with a toilet that flushes everything the first try.

kj I LOVE corollaries!
Think back to the thread about the squirrel head refrigerator magnet. Put a few of those babies on the walls in the bathroom for those poor tormented little kids.

"Now AIM, Kid, or Bucky and his friends will come visit you at naptime!"

Hey, and speaking of potty-training: why don't the Japanese come up with a toilet that trains kids how to go?

Haven't you heard of the Champion Toilet?


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With apologies to those that have already contributed:

We are putting together a farewell-from-weekly-column-writing card for Dave, and we are trying to get everyone to sign it by the end of December.

Please ensure you have signed the card soon - click this link to find out how.

*** That is all. That is all. ***

Well, if Ryan Seacreast approves.....
Actually, about 4 months ago, in a pique of temper, I tore out the offending toilet and replaced it with one of those very models. So far, so good.

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