« Previous | Main | Next »

December 14, 2004

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING KEANU REEVES AS A PREKILLED RAT

The heartwarming holiday story of Paco the Python.

(Thanks to many people)

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Whoa.

"We just assumed he was in Rusty's closet, because my son has a lot of shoes."

Well, yeah, that's a natural assumption ...

The words that every man dreads to hear:

"Your snake is listless."

You mean that snakes don't live in shoes?

well, as one of the probably 90 million people who sent you this item, i will repeat my original confusion... when they said python, i thought perhaps eric, or michael. who is this paco? nice alliterative name for a snakie.

The customer service lady asked if mailing the snake was their way of expressing customer dissatisfaction.

She said it so nonchalantly, as if it wasn't the first time this had happened. Of course, the last time was a horse's head ... but, you know, the message was pretty much the same.

*Sniff*

Aw shucks, I'm such a sucker for a happy ending.

And playing a prekilled rat is a new role for Keanu because ...?

"My heart fell," said Himmerick, "You just get that lump in your throat. It was just, 'Oh, my God! What have I done?' "

Meanwhile, in my brain...
*A snake as an expression of customer dissatisfaction?? Wait a minute...A snake as an expression of customer dissatisfaction!!*
...right there with ya punky!

What about his buddies? Bruce the Boa Constrictor, Ralph the Rattlesnake and Sammy the Sand Moccasin?

I'm waiting for PETA to sue this woman...

Yep. Sounds like another Jeff Foxworthy joke.

"Is that your snake in the DVD box or are you just dissatisfied to see me?"

punky, that reminds me of a story someone told me.

Friend of mine worked at a large corporation and received a BRICK via prepaid return envelope, along with the customer's umpteenth plea for customer service. And the company had paid for the postage.

She took the brick and letter to the next manager's meeting and told them that someone was trying to get their attention and $20 of postage had gotten her attention, how about if the customer service manager gave it some of his attention, too?

Get Paco and Baby Spongebob and the sheep back to the manger.

Ok..... I've seen people keep rats. I've seen people keep spiders... I've seen people keep snakes. One common denominator in all those cases happens to be... A CAGE WAS INVOLVED. A large aquarium, something. If I have a pet snake *which I never will* I certianly am not going to let it roam the house like a cat.
I have visions now of this 17 yr old boy playing on his playstation while the snake slithers around to curl up in his lap. Mothers tripping over the snake while trying to make dinner. Reminds me of the lady that had the snake crawl into her fridge. You go to take a bath only to find the snake in the tub... SHEESH Who keeps snakes like that????? Sheesh!

The rant has ended. Sorry guys.

*the scene opens with Keanu Reeves hanging from the axle of a baby stroller that must maintain a speed of 17 hectares per second, or else he will be fed to Paco the Boa, who is riding in the stroller with Sandra Bullock and Carrot Top.*

Sandra Bullock: I think we're slowing down! Also, get your hands off of me you freak!
Carrot Top: Wasn't me! It was the snake!
Sandra: Snakes don't have hands.
Keanu: Stop dragging your feet, you idiots!
Carrot: You know, hanging from the axle isn't exactly helping either.

*In walks a priest, a rabbi, and a minister*
Priest: You use the whole chicken! Also, isn't the carriage slowing down?
Rabbi: Is that all you people think about? Also, yes, I think it is slowing down.
Minister: That’s OK. We’re not allowed to shop at that Safeway anymore either. Also, it has certainly slowed. Keanu you must be fed to the Boa. Would you like to be "pre-killed" or fed to him live?
Keanu: Pre-killed I guess.
Pat Sajak: Excellent choice! But first, the Roo Roo!

Scene: The Samsung mailroom.
Employee #1: Hey, this box has a snake in it! What do I do with it?

Employee #2: Put it with the others.

#1: What, over here in the corner ?

#2: No, the corner is for squid, fruit bats, and farm animals. Snakes, emus, and fossilized dinosaur turds go behind the door.

#1: What do we feed it?

#2 Pre-killed rats. Check Lost and Found.

Good thing she shipped it to New Jersey. Here in the South we would have considered it a nice gift or form of payment and deep fried Paco, covering him with gravy.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure in Jersey you have to pay extra to get your snake covered in gravy.

SPEED! One of the greatest movies of all time -
and so realistic - no one drives a bus like Sandra Bullock!!
And the subway scene at the end - priceless!

"The Gravy Covered Snakes", of course, wbagnfarb.

Ooh, I like the prepaid brick idea. I might have to try that.

Was it here that someone also suggested mailing dead bugs and dirt back to the credit card companies in the pre-addressed, no postage necessary envelopes?

Thanks, Boo. That's just what the AARP is getting from me.

I'd think you'd get faster (although not necessarily more pleasant) service if you expressed dissatisfaction using live reptiles. There are many everyday applications - when meeting with your boss, when applying for a mortgage, when holding up a convenience store - where a live reptile would encourage promptness.

How is Paco the shoe-loving python being shipped to New Jersey in a DVD box anything like a Disney film? Honestly, who even cares about "Finding Paco"?

I don't know. Wouldn't "postdeath rat" sound better?

Rusty's Closet wbagnfarb

This is one of the funniest customer service letters I have ever read, from Great Britain. Let me know if you have to register to read it and I'll try to find an alternative link.

The wrath of Paul

Key quote from above letter:

"I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees."

We bought a house that included an apt on the ground floor. The apt tenant had way too many pets so we were relieved when she and the pets moved out before we moved in. About six weeks later I looked out the back door and saw my dog standing out there with something ropy looking hanging out of his mouth. I called him and he came over and dumped the rope on the back steps--a 4-ft long dead snake. And this is Alaska, where there are no snakes. This thing had been dead for awhile, from exposure presumably.

Needless to say, we did not mention this find to the new tenant.

When I last lived in S.Florida (early 80s), a local news station did a story on colon cancer and how important it was for everyone to be tested. They even went so far as to provide lots of cardboard 'mailers' for people to put stool samples in to mail to a lab for testing. Well, seems people weren't too patient with that so they were just chucking their excreta in a regular old envelope and popping it in the post. When the Postal Service learned exactly what was fouling their equipment the program stopped.
Oh, my son has a snake, and periodically we have to go to the pet store and buy frozen dead mice for its food. Why he couldn't just put up a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on his bedroom door, I'll never know.

MOTW -- is that REAL? I would love to give Paul a Nobel Prize for "expressive hostility."

insomniac - perhaps what they really needed to use were poop tubes.

Guin - yes, the letter is real.

I'm packing up my Dell craptop to send it back, and now I'm torn. Do I borrow the python from the Himmericks, or go with the cat doody?

I have a very hard time believing that story. Samsungs hardly ever need repair.

Another excellent example of a dissatisfied customer expressing his anger in an extremely humorous manner. Link is to the story on the Snopes.com website, you have to follow further links on the page to see the actual letter.

Hilarious...

BTW, "sputum-filled...distended rectum " wbagnfarb...

Wait... so the USPS in Florida was fine with mailing human fecal sculptures in cardboard, but not in envelopes?

And what... some institution was willing to accept poop via mail to screen for colon cancer?

Clem: So, now, people are just going to be mailing us their crap, their actual crap?
Joe: Yep.
Clem: And then we're gonna test it for colon cancer.
Joe: Yep.
Clem: How do we make money from this?
Joe: It's a volume business.
Clem: That doesn't make any sense.
Joe: Poop testing might be a "loss leader".
Clem: But we run a car wash.

Everysandwich -

Beleive it. I've got a Samsung DVD player sitting unused in my bedroom... we hook our portable up to the TV since the Samsung started malfunctioning the week after the warranty ran out.
And I usually love Samsung products... but I'm peeved that I finally got a 5 disk changer for the bedroom and can't use it. *sigh*

Everysandwich -

Beleive it. I've got a Samsung DVD player sitting unused in my bedroom... we hook our portable up to the TV since the Samsung started malfunctioning the week after the warranty ran out.
And I usually love Samsung products... but I'm peeved that I finally got a 5 disk changer for the bedroom and can't use it. *sigh*

UGH!

*ducking head in shame*

I'll be in the corner if anyone needs me...

Just, I can't believe that happened to you twice. Maybe next time by a Sony.

*finishing that sentence*

"Maybe next time by a Sony will be a Panasonic that would be better to buy."

Yeah. Joining you in the corner.

Someone needs to straddle Lacy, twisting his collar and then give him a taser shock.

*joins christobol and Just in the corner*

I brought cookies and heavily spiked egg nog.

*smiles a devious little smile*

Tyler, that's a great hotel story. Poor Mike! (not me, honest!)

*mirrors Punky's devious little smile*

MOTW-Just read 'The Wrath of Paul'. I think 'Crucially Important Testicle Moments' wbgnfarb or at least an album.

*attempts devious little smile. can only come up with a dirty smirk. drinks more eggnog*

insomniac - agreed. Probably best for an anthology, right?
Maestro Christobol, how about giving us some of the "greatest hits" for suggested album?
(pun not intended. really, it's not)

Hey Claire,please send something in this thread has about as much fun left in it as a limp...um..Levi Lizard..

*slips punky a small blue test tube for future spiking*

Christobol - do you ever read Andy Borowitz? His daily thing today reminded me of your web site - if you don't have it and would like it I could e-mail it to you -
I don't want to be presumptous, tho....

*decies to drink eggnog and loosen up a bit*

Man, I just got sent to the corner, n now I'm gonna miss recess, an I'm supposed to wear this.

*Holds up a Dunce hat*

Not that I'm a stranger to wearing it or anything, but I was really looking forward to playing on the Monkey Bars today.

Guess I prolly shouldn't have Peed in the egg nog, huh?

Oh, Hi there Just,Punky,Cbol! How's that "spiked" egg nog?

Good stuff huh?

*Sh#% eatin grin* (I'm just full of bowel movements for some reason here lately)

ooooops
edit: Bowel related movements

No worries, Fish ... we gave THAT egg nog to the Barry Manillow fan club next door.

THIS egg nog is from my secret stash ... it's pee pee free

By the way, Mad, thanks for the magic test tube. That stuff is no joke. I'll slip it in to the next batch.

Just -- I'm sorry to hear of your Samsung. I wanted to believe they were different, but again my idealism is crushed. Are you going to send them a little present? Certain Samsung executives are probably high fiving themselves for the perfect timing of your unit's malfunction* and shouting "And they laugh at our extended warranties!"
*"your unit's malfunction" wbabnfab

Mr. Fishair, I used to be mortified that someone would serve me a drink spiked with urine. It got so bad I couldn't accept jars from strangers in roadside restrooms.

Finally, I decided that instead of sitting at home getting massages from trained goats, I was going to live life, dammit.

So now I just pee in everything before I drink it, to cancel out anyone else's pee. But now that I type it out loud it doesn't make sense.

*goes back to goats*

Oh ok. Well, in that case, Filler Up PunkyPunkyCuteNspunky!

*reaches deep into pants and pulls out his "flask"*

So, what are you guys in for?

Not that its off topic or anything but Kayden Elizabeth, my 2nd daughter is one month old tomorrow. In celebration of the precious little one's arrival we will be staying up extra late tonight and attending to her every need... but this article is exactly why we won't be wrapping up Christmas parcels at the same time...

"Hon, why is that box crying?"
"Maybe it needs to be changed?"
"Just tape a pacifier to it."
"ok"

Geez, Sorry Punky, I didn't extend my "flask" towards you. How rude of me.
(believe you me, when you're around my "flask" always extends, I've just taken to duct taping it down.)

[[Rrrrriiip]]

(Pssst Cbol, ever tried going Front to goats? hoo baby!)

You know if I keep it up (haha) I'm gonna miss recess all week. ;(

cramp,

how do you find time to blog with a one month old?

Eggnog induced frontal dancing with goats is going to do more than make you miss recess Mr. Fishair. I would suggest some of that 190mph NASCAR duct tape if the regular stuff doesn't keep it down... then again, you can NEVER take it off.

*tucks in duct tape thong wedgie*

Blogging with a one month old can only be done sporadically... usually on company time and when I can't possibly look at another number (I'm an unruly CPA by profession... My wife is home with the youngn's). Blogging keeps me sane and I'll gladly trade the green eyeshade for a coconut bra anytime.

*thinking Cramp should take the young'ns offa Ms. Cramps hands and pass her the Coconut bra* ... she needs a lil' fun, TOO!

-Former mother of a one month old and future mother of a 2nd one month old

Just, I've tried... I'm a relative newbie to Dave Barry if you can believe it. I'm 34 years old and I never paid any attention to Dave (sorry Dave) until about a year ago. Of course it was like finding a whole new world and I started sharing his stuff with my wife while she was in the throws of morning sickness 9 months ago (I mean I couldn't make it any worse so why not?) Next thing you know I'm blogging and she's ordered a half truckload of books from Amazon, mostly for $.99 a piece but that's besides the point. Still... she's not so sure about coconut bras, but I'm sure she'll come around.

of course, those coconut bras should be ordered several sizes larger than normal, being post partum and all.

just sayin'.

Throes not throws. Go to the corner with Punky & etc...

Am way late with this but ah well: just wanted to say the prepaid brick idea, and many more such thoughts, were in Abby Hoffman's (remember him?) book called Steal This Book.
And, not to comment on a topic or anything, but roaches infest many electronic box thingys, at least accordning to my sister who used to work at a place that had to service monitors and such. YUCK. for work and roaches!

re: the brick thing. When you subscribe to magazines and they insist on stapeling in those stupid thick adds, causing you do half-rip it up to remove them. Take a large envelope and place these (and the loose ones) in it. When said envelope is full, tape the magazine's prepaid subscription card to the front and mail it.

I know they won't take the hint, but still makes one feel they are trying to get a point across.

from the article,

"The 22-pound brassiere would be back on the racks in January, the company said."

okay, 2 things:

1. a 22-pound bra?????????

2. "back on the racks"????????

I did not know that Wonderbras are made by Sara Lee. So, you eat some coffee cake, it goes straight to your boobs (I know mine does) and then it pops your Wonderbra. Everything ties together so neatly!

noname: I, too, was awestruck at first, but then realized that some backwards countries still have 'pounds' as their currency.

Re: Sara Lee, "Nobody doesn't like Sara-Lee!"

"Deep Plunge Beyond Belief" Show me some pictures, and I'm sure we'd believe!

*** ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ***

--- This is NOT spam. This is NOT spam ---

--- Please keep Fluffy on a chain! ---

With apologies to those that have already contributed:

We are putting together a farewell-from-weekly-column-writing card for Dave, and we are trying to get everyone to sign it by the end of December.

Please ensure you have signed the card soon - click this link to find out how.

*** That is all. That is all. ***

"while the rest of us are still struggling with getting the italics to work."

Obviously, wysiwyg wrote up that part before I arrived.

Wait a minute, sandy: your coffee cake calories go straight to your boobs???? Are you just bragging? Mine seem to pass right by there (not they're) and settle a bit further south.

*totally off topic and non-thread related*

wysiwyg ... regarding what you wrote a few days back on the non-MB... I've been there, too ... Once the novelty of it all wears off, you may find a balance you can live with. I really hope so. It would be a shame otherwise.

p.s. you expressed yourself beautifully.

Punky

p.p.s I would have posted this on the non-MB, but I lost the link ;)

Punky: Good thing you did post it here or I wouldn't have seen it - and even here I'm supposed to have my eyes screwed shut, and I was being naughty by sneaking back in for a quick look.

But I know me - obsessive/compulsive pet that I am - so I'm banishing myself for the time being, and hoping people will come out and talk to me from time to time via e-mail or at the y-moat.

Do keep in touch Punky, my dark-eyed honey, even if your lusting after a certain blogger is directed at entirely the wrong person (from entirely my own perspective of course! ;-)

*trying to bring the topic back to life*

Would My Son Has a Lot Of Shoes bagnfa c/w song?

Or maybe for a book:
Sonny's Shoes
Or
...
OK, I got nothin'

wysiwyg,
I'd like to post the link to the Farewell to Dave blog on my own - should I ask permission or is it OK? I have his blog linked already and mention him enough, I feel m readers may wish to contribute also.

wysiwyg,
I'd like to post the link to the Farewell to Dave blog on my own - should I ask permission or is it OK? I have his blog linked already and mention him enough, I feel my readers may wish to contribute also.

blasted ringing phone in the middle of posting! I can't keep track of buttons and phones and movies all at once... not after a White Russian!
double post double post double post double post

*unruffles waxwing's feathers and gives her another white russian*

Good to see you! After all of this "Forbidden" nonsense it's good to see some of the old regulars pop in.

waxwing - wysiwyg isn't coming to the blog every day but if you click on his name you can e-mail and ask him - he's looking forward to getting e-mails from bloggers -

Whomever, y'all ...

From another thread, the question was: "WHO'S LILY?"

Actually, Who's on First, but to continue ... more importantly, WHERE IS LILY?

(Lily, the Left-Handed Lawyer.)

What about Santa coming down judi's chimney?

Eleanor/Lily: Okay on the Speed Movie comment, but DO NOT BELIEVE the hy-rail trick ... IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! Trust me on this. I know (not no) from personal experience.
(Decies to ... loosen up a bit? Looks as if you're (not your, or yore) pretty loose already ... )

BACK ON THE RACKS!

LUV IT!

I am off, Uncle O - as a matter of fact, I was gone, but just came back for a minute for some reason that I no longer remember - so seeing (so to speak) you was a nice treat -

it seems we are back to alternate universes -
*waits for the weekend to spend more time with u.o.*

*sneaks back in - realises he's a spinless backslider and can't be trusted with the high-speed Internet connection at work, and squeezes his eyes shut*

waxwing: of course you can post a link to the farewell site, its my site and I get to decide these things - and the more people signing the card the better as its still looking a bit pathetic at the moment. And I have the attack crapweasels poised to eat any spammers from outside the Dave Barry blog community should they put in an appearance.

*rushes out again to do some real work*

Do keep in touch Punky, my dark-eyed honey, even if your lusting after a certain blogger is directed at entirely the wrong person (from entirely my own perspective of course! ;-)

wysiwyg ... ah, yes ... unrequited love ... 'tis the story of my life. ;)

Sandy,

Well, if my real first name was Lee and my real second name was (?) Sara, I could write something like this:

"If I were Sara, Lee, the first place I'd go would be to your boobs."

But it (they?) isn't (aren't).

So I won't.

Lily,

Sorry I missed you. Another long day at the "office" ... tho not much got accomplished.

I was out (off) getting my first real meal of the day ...

(sighs ... unrequitedly ... to coin a phrase ...)

[OKAY, to "borrow" a phrase.]

Fly,

Yeah, cool, in a kinky sorta way.

What I thot was best r.e. that item is that it would appear that the cops over there have some common sense ... unlike the bin-laden wannabe ...

djtonyb & Eleanor & wysiwyg,

thanks for the welcome and idea and especially the White Russian. I was gone on a southern Caribbean cruise for over a week (tough life, isn't it?) and have lost track of the important things in life... like blog threads! but I could spend the rest of my life on a beach in Aruba. *sigh* as long as they have blogging there...

Lily,

You asked me a ??????????? on another thread, and I can't find either the ???????? or the other story, so I'll hafta rely on memory ...

You said (+/-) " ... interesting story ... and????????"

I think it was the "brunette/brownette/blonde" item ... so,
watchu mean by ???????????
I told this older woman I'd had a crush on her when she was in HS a looooooong time ago, and she said "but you were just a little boy (same age as her brother) ...

and the story ended there ... Was that your question?

Well, there (not their, or they're) wasn't much point beyond that ... She said ... after a thoughtful pause ... "Well, ... Thank you."

End of story.

What? You wanted some sort of ... [Woops! Very nearly said "blow-by-blow description there" but caught myself in time] ... spicy narrative to titillate your libido ?????? Or some other such??????????

Sorry. I haven't written any of that sort of stuff.

Lately.

Speaking of which, you commented to kat once ... something about "... fun sex, if you know what I mean ..."

Watchu mean?

Isn't sex always fun?

Whatever.

TO PUT THIS (SOMEWHAT) BACK ON THREAD:

Aren't snakes symbolic (literarily speaking, at least) of ... ahem ... sex?

What was this mother thinking, buying her son a snake?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

All I will say to you, Uncle Omar, is: Perspective.

For example, say there's a funny guy with a blog. If all his readers are wackos themselves, none of them really stands out all that much.

See how that works?

Thanks Doug.

I needed that.

However, I got back on for a specific purpose ...

I'd like to "modify" that phraseology just a bit, please.

Consensual sex is supposed to be fun ...

I can't imagine victims of abuse having much fun.

This train of thought (?) comes from remembering a friend, and a plaque he had on the wall of his office.

"Sex is the most fun you can have, without laughing."

(Some of that borrow's from Bill Veeck's famous thought, "That was fun. It's supposed to be fun, you know."
Of course he was talking about baseball, but when did I ever stay on a subject for more than two or three sentences? Here on the blog, at least.)

gotta go to work

talk@uguyslater

Uncle O - in summary:
we were having a "size matters" conversation and kat said it didn't and i had said it did and kat said she had been married to "size" and been abused and then I felt bad (I think there was more but that's all I remember), so then since I felt bad so I said I was talking about "fun sex" meaning sex with someone who was not an abusive spouse -

Let's move to one of the new MB's OK?

By all means, stay here. :D
Just kidding. Wazoo!

Again, Android, I ask, why are you so mean to me????????????????????????????????????

I must say its a great post. Keep up the good work.

Garret Hunter
http://www.prepaidmagic.com

The comments to this entry are closed.

-
 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise