Dave Barry's Blog

DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW...

Whooops.

Update: The dead horse sale is born again.

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS

The bloggerette provided

Three (or more) French men

Two men with doves

And a semi-naked man in a tree

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS

The blog gave to me

Two men with doves

And a semi-naked man in a tree

TOURIST DESTINATION OF THE DAY

Fabulous downtown Dildo.

(Thanks to thornapple river)

ATTENTION, NEAR-SIGHTED MASOCHISTS

Check this out. Everybody else, stay away.

(Thanks to Alan)

WE THINK THE BLOG BLOGGED THIS LAST YEAR

But we don't care.

(Thanks, this time, to Erendira Brumley)

SCIENTIFIC TESTING?

Perhaps they're asking the wrong person.

(Thanks to Todd Benatovich)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyeah

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)

ATTENTION, L.A. RESIDENTS

It's safe to go Christmas shopping now.

(Thanks to a bunch of people)

THE MOST FRUSTRATING PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER EVER

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ATTENTION, LADIES ANXIOUS TO BREAK UP WITH THAT GUY YOU'VE BEEN SEEING

We got yer Christmas gift right here.

(Thanks to Stanhy)

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS

The blog gave to me

A semi-naked man in a tree

(Thanks to rhealist for the idea)

VACATION ADVISORY

I won't be blogging for a week or so. You crazy guys 'n' gals have yourselves a Cool Yule, OK? OK.

ATTENTION, MEN

Be on the lookout

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr and, we are sure, many others)

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A SITE THIS BLOG IS TOO CLASSY TO LINK TO

Right here.

(thanks to Tyler Wilson)

TWO SHEETZ TO THE WIND

We are hoping they get married...

(Thanks to Alex Estable)

THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE CULTURAL THINGS

At least this bloggerette hopes so. (Be sure to check out the slide show.)

(Thanks to Paul Griffin)

ALARMING NEWS FROM WARRNAMBOOL

Peter Turns to Squid

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI CAMPUS LIFE UPDATE

You may recall that several days ago this blog was relieved to note that a large crocodile had been removed from a lake at the University of Miami. But now we find that it was apparently part of some kind of crocodile fraternity.

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING KEANU REEVES AS A PREKILLED RAT

The heartwarming holiday story of Paco the Python.

(Thanks to many people)

ATTENTION, ADVERTISERS SEEKING PRODUCT EXPOSURE

We got yer exposure right here.

(Thanks to Wolfie)

THAT OLD CREEP

He'd better not be comin' down my chimney.

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane)

WHAT WE ARE CERTAIN THE BLOG WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

NATIVITY SCENE UPDATE

Whew! "The baby Jesus is fine."

(Thanks to Julieta Alvarado)

HOLIDAY MIRACLE

As you recall, the miracle Virgin Mary grilled-cheese sandwich that was sold on eBay for $28,000 wound up being transported from Miami to Las Vegas by Herald columnist Jim DeFede. who chronicled the journey in his excellent blog, Follow the Cheese.

Well, on Saturday night the Miami Herald newsroom held its annual Holiday Party and Bad Dancing Festival, and Jim was there, and one of the hors d'oeuvres -- a grilled-cheese sandwich, as it happened -- had this strange pattern on it that could not be explained by the known laws of sandwich physics. See for yourself:

(Photo by Matthew Pinzur)

NERVOUS? US?

This blog is headquartered about a mile from the University of Miami, and when we say the campus life is wild, we are not being flippant.

PET OWNER OF THE WEEK

If you see a yappy little dog named Candy, leave it the hell alone.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, TRUTH-SEEKERS

Seek no farther.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

WAIT... WASN'T THERE ALREADY A BAND NAMED THIS?

Toilet Nirvana

(Thanks to Deanna Peugot)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using errant sheep.*

(*which wbagnfarb)

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

YOU KIDS BEHAVE, OR

...I'll take you to Mary Poppins.

THanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, CERTAIN GUYS, BUT DEFINITELY NOBODY ASSOCIATED WITH THIS BLOG

Here is important medical news.

(Thanks to Debbie Henriksen)

IMAGINE THIS

This year, rather than give an electronic or new technological gadget for Christmas, try giving a gift that will challenge the imagination of the recipient.

For instance, this year I will be giving each member of my family a lump of wood. That way they can imagine what I would have given them if I was not a cheap bastard.

Regards
Fabian Marson

TIS THE SEASON

This is the perfect gift for the person who has to attend a lot of business meetings, or study hall, or LaMaze classes, or ....

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ATTENTION, NAKED PEOPLE II

You're not welcome in Vermont, either.

(Thanks to Lord Greg)

ATTENTION, NAKED PEOPLE

Stay out of Minneapolis.

(Thanks to zensen. Also the Adair Family)

Advisory: The first link was to a registraton site, so we have changed it. That is the level of customer service this blog is famous for.

ATTENTION, MALE NERDS

You could be damaging your, um, data.

(Thanks to many people)

HAMSTER ALCOHOLISM UPDATE

Hi Dave,

A couple months ago, I wrote you about male (Golden Syrian) hamster testicles being 2% of body weight. This has nothing to do with that, because a hamster doesn't have to have any testicles at all to like alcohol (ovaries are fine).

Given a choice between a 10% ethyl alcohol solution and water, a hamster will choose to drink the alcohol solution about 90% of the time. Or more. Eventually they drink nothing else. They will continue to drink some volume of alcohol solution even up to about 70% (almost whiskey strength) -- in fact, they will drink about the same absolute amount of alcohol although in much less volume.

What is maddening about all this is that the hamster's blood alcohol content barely even rises into the "drunk" range while they do this. For thirty years I have wanted a hamster liver grafted onto my own, but for some reason the medical elite do not see this as a pressing problem. All they have to solve are a few interspecies histocompatibility problems, but no, they want to cure cancer.

Go figure.

Douglas Fitts

Not us. We have given up on figuring.

DEPARTMENT OF THINGS YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT

In this report, Sean Doody fills us in on what the toads are doing to the goanna.

BREAKING NEWS FROM ROMANIA

...where men are men, especially the prime minister.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

O HOLY NIGHT

Clueless statement #9: Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh star as The Three Wise Men.

(Thanks to Lairbo)

BEAVER-TESTICLE TEA?

Who says Cleveland lacks culture?

(Thanks to Nitram Erialc)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using foreign snails on this nation's precious trout supply.

ADVISORY

We have been informed that this blog is having technical problems. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused, and you have our personal assurance that we have no idea what its going on, or what is being done about it. Thank you.

ANOTHER ACTIVITY THAT ONLY GUYS WOULD EVER THINK OF, LET ALONE DO

Pumpkin Bombing

Key Quote: The target disappeared in a maelstrom of goo, seeds, and contorted rind.

(Thanks to Mike Leone)

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO CONSIDER SKIPPING THE MIDNIGHT BUFFET

American passengers damage a ship .

(Thanks to sct72)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Snake Pain. Also, Jigging for Squid.

REALITY TV

Yet another example of how people in other cultures do things differently.

(Thanks to Stephanie McKiernan)