« Previous | Main | Next »

December 20, 2004

ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS

The blog gave to me

Four Men Pulling Birds

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

On first approach a straightforward suggestion of sex leaves the vast majority of girls stone cold. This also applies to things non-verbal. First impressions are vital and if the first thing you do is mention sex, touch her , or get caught looking down her cleavage then she will conclude that you are not for her.

Wow, Judi, why did we never learn this stuff at school? It would have saved so many smacks in the face and increased the "mid-blowing sex" success rate. THank you, thank you, thank you!

I already tried to stop that to correct the first mistake I noticed -- if you check you'll see the corrected version ('the' not 'teh') was posted first.

Now let me add 'mind-blowing sex' for 'mid-blowing' which means nothing I can think of.

And Marvin, notice the 'first' was in the quote, NOT in my comment.

On first approach a straightforward suggestion of sex leaves the vast majority of girls stone cold. This also applies to things non-verbal. First impressions are vital and if the first thing you do is mention sex, touch her , or get caught looking down her cleavage then she will conclude that you are not for her.

Wow, Judi, why did we never learn this stuff at school? It would have saved so many smacks in teh face and increased the "mid-blowing sex" success rate. THank you, thank you, thank you!

Now my real 'first' comment got pushed down not once but twice! Too too weird.

mid-blowing sex: See 'oral coitus interruptus'

Sean, which one's yours?

But the last one got pushed ahead of Sean's comment.

Aw Judi - it was nice of you to throw in a picture for the boys. Now, back to your main focus - pictures for the girls!

Hmmm, evidentally Pulling Birds is considered Mature by the school server.

"How to Pick Up Girls"-
Hint: Lift with your legs.

i'm curious if everyone realizes they're commenting on different parts of this one... :)

that's true, judi, Thomas Inch didn't let an unfortunate name stand in the way of picking up girls. Why ? Because he maintained eye contact!

I got a message: "Access Denied: Sex Education."

Interesting.

Go in like a sex-starved rottweiler with your tongue hanging out and sex on your mind and you are almost certain to be rejected

1. If the man can "go in," then he is probably accomplishing his goal.

2. Would a foxhound be more appropriate?

I keep getting advice that going ...in like a sex-starved rottweiler with your tongue hanging out and sex on your mind ... is exactly what I should be doing.

*is confused*

Well, Kibby, it all depends on what you're going into. ;)

He was so thin I swear you could have used him for a whip
he had to drink a beer to keep his britches on his hips
I knew I had to ask him about the mysteries of life he spit between his boots and he replied

It’s faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, and more money
- Tom T Hall

Thanks Judi. I need more beautiful girls in my life.

8>

*** ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ***

--- This is NOT spam. This is NOT spam ---

--- Only 11 More Days Left to Sign the Card! ---

With apologies to those that have already contributed:

We are putting together a farewell-from-weekly-column-writing card for Dave, and we are trying to get everyone to sign it by the end of December.

Please ensure you have signed the card soon - click this link to find out how.

*** That is all. That is all. ***

Well!

A little something for (nearly) everyone, eh?

TNX judi!

I think Judi is into the eggnog a little early. I also think the little hamsters that put the posts in their (not they're) correct places on the blog are also hitting the eggnog.

Testing....

That's odd. My posts seem to have been swept up in the blog's SuperColonBlow last night. Oh well, other than the secret to world peace, the cure to cancer, and the funniest joke ever told amongst carbon life forms, I don't think I had posted anything worth keeping.

Yes, over on the French squid-launching thread, I have interpreted Christobol's cure for cancer from French to English via Babel Fish, but I think it lost a little something in translation. And now his original post is gone...

I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??

I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??

oh great it wouldn't work and so i clicked it too many times and it did it over and over again i'm so sorry.

I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??

I'm Bekah and I was wondering if this was the Dave Berry singer??

It is Barry, not Berry (have you been talking to Greg Hill?)

Dave Barry consider's himself, IMHO, not a singer so much as a maker of noise.

And don't worry about quadruple posting. Sticking a completely different post halfway through is artistically genius!

*fab4fan should notice how not snarky he is being*

For the record, Christmas Day is the First Day of Christmas, the 12th Day is January 6 -- the Epiphany, signifying the day the wise men actually arrived at the spot where Jesus was born.

C-bol, **ANYTHING** you say is worth keeping. Forget the cure for cancer, can we have another song? :)

Has anyone else noticed an alarming trend in the last week's posts [i.e. judi's posts]? Like that I can't open most of them at work? Of course, I don't really mind..... ;)

Personally, I am rather fond of Judi's posts this week. ;)

Keep 'em coming!!!! They make my work day more interesting...

... I AM sorry I missed C-bol's cure for cancer though...

I think Judi's selections demonstrate a positive trend. As for the Epiphany - not in the bible either. And it does seem a little bit sacriligious to be talking religion on this choice of post. Bosomy women leaning on cars vs. the Wise Men (or Not So Wise Persons)?

Well Father, that me be true, but did you ever stop (time) to think that

Bosomy WiseMen WBAGNFARB?!

Mahatma Kane Jeeves,
where were you when this came up for auction?

*snork*

all for the sake of a pudding

Can that be my life's purpose???

*imagining the possibilities*

Well, Mr. Fishair, being as the Wise Men were perhaps not men after all, they could very well have been Bosomy. At least, the Church of England thinks so.

I recommend bringing on the Bosomy Wise Women in all those nativity scenes.

Anything is better than George Bush portrayed as a Wise Man.

My recommendations would be: Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson and Angelina Jolie as the Three Bosomy Might-Be-Wise Women

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the palace
The Queen was still huffing
And firing in malice

The worker, a young buck
Who auctioned on E-bay
Found himself jobless
With yule a short time away

The question that's ling'ring
In my brain full of air
Is "why didn't he get pudding
Himself if there's spare?"

Alas, now no pudding
No job and no luck
Best wishes for Christmas
You young stupid buck.

***********
In other news, how 'bout a new post, judi? It IS the 5th day of Christmas after all. Well, not really, the 5th day of Christmas is actually December 29, but here in blog fantasy land we're ahead of our time...

Don't forget Pamela Anderson!

Sorry i'm stupid i don't notice the little things...i more or less notice the big picture.

Since women only earn $.79 to the dollar compared to men, it seems only fair that there should be 4 (four) Bosomy Wise Women for every 3 (three) non-bosomy Wise Men, n'cest pas???

Have a Tipsy Winter Solstice

Have a tipsy winter solstice;
It's the cold time of the year
You just know that there'll be snow,
so ya better drink more beer.
Have a tipsy winter solstice;
And when you walk down the street
You'll stumble into a stranger or two
and soon new friends you'll meet.

Oh, oh, the friendly ho
stands where you can see;
Patiently waits for you;
Kiss her once for me.
Have a tipsy winter solstice,
with a case or two of beer,
then get silly with a friendly filly,
so you won't freeze this year.

Bravo, Cbol. As usual.

Oh, and Rachel - yours was good too!

I advocate right along with Eleanor for extra Bosomy Not So Wise Women. And of course, I advocate for Pamela Anderson because she is Canadian. 4 Bosomy Not So Wise Women. Seems only fair.

I wonder how long Christobol's post will last before it disappears again...

My recommendations would be: Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson and Angelina Jolie as the Three Bosomy Might-Be-Wise Women


I was going to criticize Father Time for the "might be wise women" wording......then realized that since they are worth a few dollars more than I......perhaps all of their brains aren't in their ramparts.

Ring Those Bells

Dashing through the blog
'Fore tasks take me away,
Workin' like a dog,
And like a dog they pay;
This phone will always ring,
something's just not right,
What fun is it to be working
From morning until night?
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!

An hour or two ago,
I thought I'd take a break,
Hoping it would help
my head to stop its ache;
My boss came bursting in;
Misfortune seemed my lot;
I know perhaps it is a sin,
Somehow my boss got shot!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
Don't you hear what I say!
I've got to find someplace to hide
Before I'm sent away!

So now I have to go,
perhaps I'll go to hell
for now I'll hit the snow
To where I must not tell;
But there will a bar
A piano they will play,
And even though it's not so far
Perhaps there I will stay
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
Listen to what I say!
Or else they'll lock me up inside
and throw the key away!

Now the bar is full
Come here while you're young,
Meet the girls and you'll
See why this song I've sung;
Just get in here today
come hither with all speed
Let Christobol show you the way
To satisfy your need.
Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
That signal end of day!
Let me jump into my ride
And watch me speed away!
Oh Ring those bells, Ring those bells,
Or just yell 'what the hey'!
Come on with me and we will hide
And laugh our cares away!

a. Who's Greg Hill?
b. I know Dave Berry because he was my 2nd grade teacher's son.
he performs in a Christian band.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all ‘round the blog

Not a creature was stirring, except my dumb dog

who curled by the fire, his tongue wet and swift,

and gave himself a “yule bath” if you get my drift.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While crystals of Ritalin danced in their heads;

And mamma in her slippers and tattered old housecoat,
lay prone and snored in a haze of Doral smoke.

I lay down myself, and was very nearly sleeping

when out from the study I heard such a beeping

that I ran down the hallway, and stopped at the door

as a voice said “You’ve got mail”, and then, “you’ve got more”.

There were messages from Sweden, Thailand and France

A potion to make Johnson rip right through my pants

Prescription drugs that I could add to my stash

A Nigerian fellow with oodles of cash

There was so much data! Too much information!

My PC was clogged with profane execration!

What once was a tool for efficient communication

had become nothing more than a digital vexation!

While deleting missives wholesale, to my bloodshot eye appears

A curious sight, a chubby elf with pointed hat and ears

A regular-size laptop he had strapped on his back,

And a wireless modem peeked out of his sack.

His eyes -- how they shifted! his hands never still!

His breath extraordinary – my dog would be ill!

when I saw that his mouth was pubically bearded,

I knew then I spoke to “Cabeza de la Mierda”

“You are the source of this cyber-space wasteland!

The King of all spammers who ever did spam!”

While I thus sputtered and fumed at him vainly

He said “first amendment” and flipped me off plainly.

My mama had taught me, that’s not “number one”

I knew in an instant just what must be done

Tho’ ‘tis a sad world, this’ll make it one notch better

and shoved him willy-first into the shredder.

I couldn’t dispatch the crapweasel completely,

a little fer-shizzled I was and he broke free

He ran behind my monitor and as he escaped

He sent me three emails about low mortgage rates

So, all ‘round the world on this eve of Christmas

As we dream our dreams and hold on to our wishes

My holiday gift to you all then this is:

At least it really burns when he pisses.

I didnt realize that the Rock Bottom Remainders were ... a ... Christian band? Wow, apparently I've been .. well, elsewhere. Apparently. *blinks*

Have yourself a merry little crime spree, C-bol.

"profane execration" wbagnfa punk band.

timleary, if you're going to steal someone else's work, give credit where credit is due. ((?)) :) timleary's quite funny essay is today's Borowitz Report, and is available at borowitzreport.com daily. It's usually quite funny, actually, and because it comes out daily it's always on current events.

C'bol,

You know that joke too, eh?

Eleanor/Lily,

Right On!
4 works for me!

This is without a doubt the stupidist post this blog has ever blogged. Thanks heaps Judy.

" ... mind-blowing sex ... "

Does this somehow tie into the concept that (according to some females, at least) a man's brains are in his penis?

Or not.

Whatever.

denverman, thanks for the info; i'll delete that post. we are not about to allow copyright violations HERE, for god's sake.

I Love i

The comments to this entry are closed.

-
 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise