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December 22, 2004

HEADLINE OF THE NIGHT

(Thanks to Laurie and Bjorn of the message board)

Comments

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can't resist!

Due to innuendo overload, I'll pass.

Errgh. Too much information.

Tee hee.

Sorry I haven't been around my bloglit friends.

Hugs and kisses to everyone.

You think we'd have better things to do at 2am in the morning (as opposed to 2am in the afternoon) than discuss unit sizes and the consequences on next year's baseball season. Evidently not.

That being said - I'm glad that Big Unit is coming no where near me....heh heh heh

God, this blog has turned into a bad Beavis and Butt-head imitation.

"Heh heh, heh heh heh. They said 'big unit'. Heh heh heh."

Boy, that's hilarious.

*Goes to find something else to read until Dave returns...*

who'd have thought someone named "Randy Johnson" would be involved with a "big unit", and refusing it. all we need now is "deep throat" or 'barbera striesand".

anything geo. steinbrenner DOESNT get is ok with this ny mets fan!!!

anything geo. steinbrenner DOESNT get is ok with this ny mets fan!!!

There once was a ballplayer named Randy
who threw the ball as fast as fast can be
though the Dodgers rejected
the deal it's expected
Stienbrenner will say, "mi unidad es grande"

Our top story this morning:

"Steinbrenner's Yankees" STILL anagrams to "intense beery rankness".

Judi: Just wanted to say thank you for your efforts and for making my day a little easier to bear. Hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Same to all of ya'll!!!

Judi: Just wanted to say thank you for your efforts and for making my day a little easier to bear. Hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Same to all of ya'll!!!

MeL! Wow, wherever have you been?! Can you play today?

perfect, mudstuffin! OR perfect mudstuffin!

Glad to see someone else is awake and chained to their computer - I was beginning to think I was the only one (I'm the only one who has made it to work here, so far) with the guts or diminished mental capacity to come to work today. (The weather REALLY sucks in Ohio.)

Windchill in D/FW was 1 degree Farenheit. The weather website said, and I quote, "Bitter cold."

Ya think?!

Yeah, I saw the news/weather this morning and Ohio and Minnesota were very cold.

Hey, Gregg.

Why don't you take that stick out of your butt?

Or is it a "Big Unit" that's stuck up there?

*channeling Butthead*

He he he he he he he he........

Seems like maybe the cold weather has impacted activities in Florida, as well. Have you noticed that the blog has been, well, lame the last several days? I think the probable cause has more to do with the number of regulars who have taken time off around the holidays, but it's more fun to blame Judi. So, wassup, Judi?

.
I KNEW this would happen once the gays took over baseball!
.

Really, Gregg, take a pill.

I posted this a couple of days ago at the end of a near-dead thread and thought it was worth airing out again.

Spammer-Claus

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all 'round the blog,
Not a creature was stirring except for my dog
who curled by the fire, his tongue wet and swift
and gave himself a "Yule bath" if you get my drift

The children were nestled all snug in thier beds
while crystals of Ritalin danced in thier heads
and mamma in her slippers and tattered old house coat
lay down and snored in a haze of Doral smoke

I lay down myself, and was very nearly sleeping
when out from the study I heard such a beeping
that I ran down the hallway, and stopped at the door
as a voice said "you've got mail" and then "you've got more"

There were messages from Sweden, Thailand and France
A potion to make Johnson rip right through my pants
Prescription drugs that I could add to my stash,
a Nigerian fellow with oodles of cash

There was so much data! Too much information!
My PC was clogged with profane execration!
What once was a tool for quick communication
had become nothing more than digital vexation!

while deleting missives wholesale, to my bloodshot eye appears
A curious sight, a chubby elf, with pointed hat and ears
a regular-size laptop he had strapped on his back
and a wireless modem peeked out of his sack

His eyes - how they shifted! his hands never still!
His breath - extraordinary, my dog would be ill!
when I saw that his mouth was pubically bearded
I knew then I spoke to "Cabeza de la Mierda"

"You are the source of this cyber-space wasteland!"
"The King of all spammers who ever did spam!"
While I thus sputtered and fumed at him vainly,
He said "First Amendment" and flipped me off plainly.

My Mama had taught me that's not "number one"
I knew in an instant just what must be done
"Tho' 'tis a sad world, I can make it one better"
and shoved him willy first, into the shredder

I coundn't dispatch the crapweasel completely,
a little fer-shizzled I was and he broke free
he ran behind my monitor, and as he escaped
he sent me three emails about mortgage rates

So, all 'round this blog, on this Eve of Christmas,
As we dream our dreams, and hold on to our wishes,
my holiday gift to you all then this is:
At least is really burns when he pisses.

Ha, ha, mudstuffin said "airing out".
Good job, guy, that is one of your masterpieces (I mean the poem).

*applause*

Please post that on brat's eFiction site, mudstuffin! We gotta have that one around for keeps.

Good morning everyone from sunny southern California - we're freezing too - it's in the
mid- 40's right now!

*goes back inside before everyone throws snowballs*

Hey Marvin - good to hear from you again - I knew you were lurking somewhere nearby!

Freezing = below 32 deg. Farenheit
* chucks a few snowballs long distance to California *
*smack*

.
HO-HO-HO!!!
click on my name for some funny xmas jokes
.

Cosa N: Those are special.

and BTW MOTW: thanks, I didn't know about that site (for me geezer is not just a name, it's a lifestyle). I read C-bol's story and yours, and will contribute more stuff myself as the muse permits.

*tacks a few more snowballs onto MOTW's delivery*
It's a balmy 16 degrees F here in Salt Lake. And later, just for fun, we're supposed to have winds up to 50 mph. Brrr! I hope it waits till I get home!

Well, I hate to ruin everyone's day, but here in south Georgia it's currently 73 degrees F!

*fahrenheit*

*ducking snowballs*

MOTW - freezing in su.so.ca is below 60F - we are not hearty people!

*puts out tray of hot chocolate and Krispy Kremes so everyone will like her again*

Y'know, my snowball-launching trebuchet is bi-directional (not that there's anything wrong with that), so I can sling 'em west to Sunny California and east to South Georgia.

*smack* *smack*
*thwack* *thwack*

Trebuchet game.

* SCREECH! *
Snowball-launching trebuchet is stopped mid-thrust in the general direction of Sunny California as MOTW gratefully accepts hot cocoa.

However, she passes on Krispy Kremes, as her first "real" job (after babysitting in her early teens) was in a bakery. She has not cared for the aroma or flavor of donuts for lo these many years since the bloom of teendom has passed.

FYI - 'day-old' donuts that have been stomped flat make great frisbees. That's your trivia for the morning.

MOTW - how about some scrambled eggs? or French toast? or pancakes??

We insecure people will do almost anything to please!

MOTW - another fun teen workplace game is seeing how many of the pizza toppings will stick to the side of the giant oven after flying through the air. Double bonus points if you can get the manager to play with you. Triple points (and major gross-out bonus) if you can get the pineapple to stick.

*what are these strange looking white balls flying through the air?*

It's supposed to rain all weekend and turn cold tommorrow, 50 degrees.

Back on topic for a moment, just for the hell of it - as a Dodger's fan, I'm glad this trade was not made. Also, HI MEL!!!

Eleanor's right, though, we in So Cal do have our weather problems this time of year. Why just this morning the wind mussed my hair on the way into the office from the parking lot!
*ducks*

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*
* bulldozer loads 1000 lb. rock-packed snowball from hell onto trebuchet *
*CRANK* *CRANK*
*Yedis help to torque the winch*
MOTW calculates the thrust and angle for Georgia ...
Hey, Eleanor: where do I carry the one?

Shivering - my least favorite day was when they baked cream puffs. They used something like ammonia powder to make them rise extra fast. The fumes of hot gas released from the oven would burn everyone's eyes.

*looks in mudstuffin's general direction for his impending reply*

1951 first try on the trebuchet game! Whee!

(is unconcerned about snowballs as they'll melt before impacSPLAT!)

Oops, forgot to carry the one.

snowballs flying high.
death to all good weather would
be justice for all.

Also:

AMMONIA?!? IN THE OVEN!!
sounds like one of my roommate's less brilliant moments...ah, college

Just a note to all those people who fled the cold climes of the north to warmer and sunnier locations (like, say, Texas, Fla. and So. Cal.): Here in NY today, it's 54 degrees and climbing. It's a little damp, but relatively balmy.

I'm dreaming of a temperate Christmas...

It was ammonia powder. Obviously, they had to bake those beauties at 3AM or the fumes would scare away the customers.

1. When I was a lad in Cleveland we had a chain of donut stores named "Spudnuts" which featured donuts made from (drumroll) potatoes. I am not making this up.

2. The lid half of a hamburger bun makes a much better frisbee.

3. Donut gas? *krueller*

... why do you think donuts have a hole?
All the better to blow gas out, my Dear.

In related gas news ...

The power went out in my house this morning, is still not on, which means the temperature INSIDE my house is about 50 degrees. My daughter's finches just had a baby, which will not survive long without heat, which will make my kids VERY merry. My wife just called to ask me to go out and buy a kerosene heater (which smells WONDERFUL) and I just had surgery on my left foot which means that I will have to go to the store, hobble around looking for a kerosene heater, THEN go find fuel for it somewhere, (meanwhile tearing the stitches in my foot) and you just KNOW that the power will come on as soon as I hobble in the door. Hohoho merry flippin' Christmas.

Attention:

Today's scheduled rant has been cancelled due to inclement weather.

We've decided to come to Minnesota for Christmas. They are measuring the temp here in Kelvin. I believe all molecular activity has ceased. Damn, my pinky fell off. Talk to you later.

PS - Nava, when did my "weeklynewz" site become questionable? Or, perhaps more accurately, more questionable than it was, questionable enough to cause the Herald server monkey to blush?

mudstuffin, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. But if you buy a generator, you can enjoy hunkering and girding with the missus.

Apparently, my name linked to my blog is "questionable content".

Thanks, Nava.

Like I wasn't feeling bad enough already about it's state of dis-use.

Mudstuffin, I grew up near Cleveland also.

I think there is still a Spudnuts in Richland.

They are actually quite good.

The Polish contingent in and around Cleveland have continually impressed me with their ability to make some very good food with taters.

Didn't say they weren't good. (Actually I don't think I've had a better big fluffy glazed unit yet.) I will keep my eyes open in northern Ohio.

nava is the big kahuna, of course.

thanks, klynn. people like gregg and the other whiners are making me feel that i shouldn't bother, but i guess i will continue.

Christobol,

Sorry about your pinkie. You meant your finger, right?

As posted on the ReMoat, I also got my blog link bumped with the "questionable content" message. Can't figure out why. Check the ReMoat for some tech-savvy speculation (not by me, I don't know how these things work).

And, who's "NAVA", anyway?

Ah, but you're the kahuna we love, judi.

You should have Nava program in a whiner filter on your browser, then you wouldn't have to read those posts. I for one enjoy the irony of a post that says "This stuff I am sitting here reading is so unfunny and such a complete waste of time that I am going to sit here and type this out instead of just moving on, and not just because I'm a boil on the Barry Manilow's Waste Processing Unit."

I nominate Judi as "Bestest Kahuna, Ever" to be known as "BK,E". Or maybe "L'il Kahuna", which would make a better stage name for her forthcoming Hawaiian/Rap CD (and you thought we didn't know).

Also, witless, whining commentators could be designated "Fark-bait" and thrown back.

Or maybe I'm just getting sappy at Christmas. I mean The Holiday Season. No offense, Festivus celebrants.

C'bol, you're in Minnesota? Yeesh, my condolences. I'm sitting in a cube in a skyscraper in downtown Minneapolis. The outside temp is literally -10, windchill of -30.

My ramparts are like torpedos, at attention and very, very pointy in such frigid conditions.

Just thought I'd share.
Oh, and I'm also wearing an angora sweater.
:)

I don't know what the guy is S Georgia is talking about, it's currently 32 here in ATL and dropping.

Mud - commecial bakeries use a lot of potato flour, especially in donuts. (Had a job as a shipping clerk in a really big bakery.)

Guess you could say your torpedoes are right on Target(girl).

Greetings from Canada. The temp is 25F (-4C), and raining.

Beauty, eh? We have 3-foot snowbanks and 1-foot deep puddles. Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I wonder if they'll get the canoes out at the outdoor shop...

whips a slush ball embedded with a copy of her birth certificate, for expediency at the border, towards So Cal and one at Georgia. Crossing fingers that they don't set off a nuclear strike.

targetgirl

Damn those torpedos! Full steam ahead. Or, you know, words to that effect.

Oh, and, mmmmm, angora.

And, since everyone's giving weather reports, NYC is doing an impressive impersonation of Seattle just now, with rain that's just hanging in the air waiting for you to bump into it rather than actually falling. And it's 57 degrees. No snowmen here.

Judi ...

You should always bother ...

Some of us need the distraction/laughter this time of year.

Dangit... can't think of a single witty thing to add about the cold, except that its... well, cold in Alabama. That just ain't right.

Oh, Judi Smith - stealth bloggerette
How lovely are your postings!
Oh, Judi Smith - stealth bloggerette
Our glasses raised in toastings!
Not only now, but all the year -
Your contributions bring such cheer.
Stealth bloggerette, stealth bloggerette
Continue with your postings.
\(^.^)/

Graz -

Right on. Thanks for saying it LONG before I had a chance to.

I live by the philosophy that you shouldn't tear something down unless you have something better to replace it with.

In other words, let's see YOU come up with a better post, Greg!

I think what Greg doesn't get is that the initial link is just to get the ball rolling. After that, it's up to us. And he doesn't add much. Keep posting, Judi!

Back when Randy was a Mariner I remember an article about all the phallic names and nicknames on the team. Not only was there "johnson" and "big unit," we had "a-rod." There were a bunch more but I can't remember now.

Oh yeah, we also had Jay Buhner, aka Bone.

Gregg can’t understand, oh humor forbid
He whines on the scale of a live giant squid
This Gregg hated Dave’s blog
He just couldn’t reason
Now, please don’t ask why
Don’t waste your time for his reason.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
He declares he will find something else to go read
We are glad, for his comments are the stuff we don’t need.

We love you Judi,
Oh yes we do,
We love you, Judi
Your (not you're) postings, too.
When blogging's stagnant, we're blue
Oh Judi, we love you.

Judi - NEVER STOP POSTING!!! Where would we be without you?
Lost in cyberspace that's where!!!!

Personally I love posts about baseball and big units. Kinda puts me in the mood. Weasel where are you?

Parents, take note: What you nickname your kid will completely determine his/her future sports success, and thus your likelihood of getting a Jag in your stocking when he/she turns 19.

So, to review, The Big Unit, good.
The Sucky Benchwarmer Who Gets Beat Up By The Mascot, bad.

I swear, some of these things you just expect people to know.

Oh, and speaking of Jag, have you heard their holiday ads? Apparently, if you buy your woman a Jag, you are almost certain to get nookie (the actual tagline is Buy her a Jaguar, and she'll do naughty things to Mr. Winky).

For those of you on a budget, I think VW is running an ad that promises a grope.

For a Kia you can get a hickey from Cher.

dang... and after I'd spent all that money on blood diamonds from Sierra Leone.

*correction*

Apparently, you can get a hickey from Cher without actually buying a Kia. All you have to do is test-drive one. See your local Kia dealer today.

My apologies for those of you who already bought one. Really.

*correction to correction*

It's a hickey from Barry Manilow. My apologies to those of you who already test drove a Kia. Really.

*correction to corrective correction*

Apparently, anyone seen in the vicinity of a Kia dealership is gang-hickeyed by both Barry Manilow and Cher.

My apologies to anyone who owns Ishtar. Really.

Good Lord, I've never heard of being gang-hickeyed! Thanks for introducing THAT one to the world Christobol!

*watching CNN report on rampant gang-hickey activity at local foreign car dealerships*

Speaking of baseball names . . .

Our Chicago friends - and others - know of a Cubs pitcher (not picture) by the name of Kerry Wood.

While visiting a few years ago, went to Wrigley Field for a game. I recall being more than a little surprised when I saw children - not just adults - wearing t-shirts emblazoned "We're Got Wood."

Then, of course, the Yankers/World Champion Red Sox rivalry brought us the lovely "Yankees Suck/A-Rod Swallows" shirts, also worn by children too young to even know what it meant.

"Big Unit Deal" wbagnf... oh nevermind.

Well - you can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me RayJay, but you doesn't hafta call me...

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