HAMSTER ALCOHOLISM UPDATE

Hi Dave,

A couple months ago, I wrote you about male (Golden Syrian) hamster testicles being 2% of body weight. This has nothing to do with that, because a hamster doesn't have to have any testicles at all to like alcohol (ovaries are fine).

Given a choice between a 10% ethyl alcohol solution and water, a hamster will choose to drink the alcohol solution about 90% of the time. Or more. Eventually they drink nothing else. They will continue to drink some volume of alcohol solution even up to about 70% (almost whiskey strength) -- in fact, they will drink about the same absolute amount of alcohol although in much less volume.

What is maddening about all this is that the hamster's blood alcohol content barely even rises into the "drunk" range while they do this. For thirty years I have wanted a hamster liver grafted onto my own, but for some reason the medical elite do not see this as a pressing problem. All they have to solve are a few interspecies histocompatibility problems, but no, they want to cure cancer.

Go figure.

Douglas Fitts

Not us. We have given up on figuring.

Comments

[Trystan Shout]

First!

[Trystan Shout]

Yes, I know that it is childish and silly to post the word "First" to the weblog of a Pulitzer Prize-winning author. It is sophomoric and embarrassing.

Still, I was first, FIRST!! Na-na-nooney hey-hey!

[Somewhere North]

I wish I'd thought of this as a Science Fair project.

[interspecies histocompatibilist]

Interspecies Histocompatibility wbagnfarb

[SchadeBoy (aka Mr. Incredible)]

And I thought I was clever because I had a few gerbils run around in a maze in high school. Still, found that the females were smarter than the males. I guess they were too busy wondering where the liquor was...

[elle]

because a hamster doesn't have to have any testicles at all to like alcohol (ovaries are fine).

However, it takes quite a bit of alcohol to like hamster testicles.

[Higgy]

Somewhere North: "Daddy, can you buy me several bottles of alcohol in varying proofs for a Science Fair project? I want to prove that hamsters can outdrink humans."

SN's Dad: "Sure, sweetie. Want me to pick up some crack for you and your friends too while I'm at it?"

[Mr.Fishair]

Would it work if he simply placed the Hamster up his arse?

Anyone have any experience in this particular area??

*squirm*

[MOTW]

It's okay, Trystan, you're one of us.

[klynn]

Trystan, I too once yelled FIRST. I know the regular commentors here don't like it and I also know that it is sophoric and childish, but dang, it feels so good!!!! Congratulations buddy! Now that you recieved the cherished FIRST post, do you feel like it is out of your system? Since my FIRST prize, I don't feel the need to scream FIRST anymore, I think I am cured. How bout you?

[Too Drunk to Type]

"What is maddening about all this is that the hamster's blood alcohol content barely even rises into the "drunk" range..."

Thank goodness I'm not a hamster. I have to work hard enough already to get that ol' blood alcohol up to a tolerable level.

I mean, what do hamsters do for fun?

Yeah, okay, besides the obvious answer...
...which they have to do sober...

[rhealist]

So hamsters can drink all the whiskey they want with no adverse effects? No possibility of blackmail pictures of your friend hamsters dancing drunk on a bar? No embarrasing late-night drunken phonecalls to the ex? No publicly denouncing your boss while lost in a hazy colour-filled swirl of artificially enhanced feelings of freedom?... What's the point of drinking, then?

[SteveB]

Ah, the good old days when my testicles where 2% of my body weight and I could drink all night without getting drunk.

[klynn]

"What is maddening about all this is that the hamster's blood alcohol content barely even rises into the "drunk" range while they do this."

Isn't the purpose of drinking alcohol the acheivment of the "drunk" range?

I dunno, maybe it's just me...I enjoy the "drunk" range and can think of no other reason to consume alcohol.

[mudstuffin]

Ahem. Smashed Hamsters wbagnfarb

That is all.

[bigtom]

"even up to about 70% (almost whiskey strength)"

What kind of whiskey do you drink!? 70% is 140 proof.

[Somewhere North]

Aw Higgy - you're just jealous that my science fair project was better than yours. Besides, this being Canada, we don't need to purchase alcohol, we use bootleg. By the way - even a hamster gets pissed on Newfie bootleg.

[kat]

The hamsters don't have time to get the whiskey from their mouth to their liver. They're too busy chewing! That is what burns up the alcohol. When people chew, they don't chew fast enough but they do eat and drink too much, and just 'clug' it down so that their liver has to kick in and try to do it's job which is by then, extremely over-taxed! The liver has appealed numerous times too the doctor, but he just throws up his hands and says, 'What are you looking at me for? Don't you know that my wife and I are going to the Country club tonight for Dinner?

[insomniac]

What do you do with a drunken hamster?
What do you do with a drunken hamster ?
What do you do with a drunken hamster ?
If you ever find one !

[neophyte]

Insomniac - LOL! Now the song is stuck in my head!

[Jeff P.]

Last weekend, my sons hamsters escaped their (not there or they're) cage, raided my single-malt stash, and then went downtown and broke several car windows. The policeman who called me cited them for being drunk and disorderly. Now you people tell me they were just disorderly and the alcohol was only an excuse to behave poorly?

Is anyone here an expert who could call the DA and get the "drunk" part dropped? I'd hate for them to have to live with that stigma.

[JR]

I thought the same thing as BigTom. I think he means 70 "proof" not 70%. Everclear is 70% alcohol, and Bacardi 151 is 75.5% and you can blow fire rings with that stuff. Try blowing fire with Jack Daniels.

[Mad Scientist]

*begins working out the histocompatability problems*
any volunteers for the first hamester to human transplant?

[Zaratustra]

Remember, do not drink and run in hamster wheels.

[Mike Weasel]

*consults dictionary*

histo- [[ histos, web ]]

Hamsters can spin webs?

[Mike Weasel]

Dangit, it was supposed to be

histo- [[ Gr histos, web ]]

[Christobol]

How would you even be able to tell if a hamster is drunk?

"Hey baby, once you've had hamster, you'll never... erm... hamster bamster fe fi fo famster..."

"Ok, I think this one's drunk now."

[Uncle Omar]

Something at the start reminded me of a feminist joke sent to me by a different daughter.
Had to do with a "brain transplant" but I couldn't open it. She paraphrased:
"... a male brain and a female brain, but the male brain transplant cost a lot more.
Why?
Because the female brain had been used."

elle: L!!!!! O!!!!! L!!!!!

Two percent? Wow. I din't realize they were THAT hefty.

Everclear is 190 proof -- 95 percent alcohol. Sorry. Practical experience, from another lifetime, in another century, in another milennium.

[alanboss]

Drunk hamsters dancing on tables? That could explain that web site that was popular a few years ago.

[Mikey]

LAST!

No, wait. That's not right, is it?

[dog face]

your all very sad bastards please get a life move out your parents house and get laided

[hayduke lives]

laided?

[jenners]

laided.

[jenners]

oh, and don't forget 'your'...

ah, grammar. so few of us learn it. so many of us NEED it.

[kat]

Pouring liquor down an innocent 'hamster' (whether he is a 'he' or 'she') smacks of 'animal' abuse.

[Uncle Omar]

I must protest and disagree.

The proper spelling would be "layded" when speaking (writing) in the pluperfect subjunctive mood.

[M]

They probably drink it to gain weight, little hamster beer guts for the winter. After all, alcohol has more calories than even fat.

[Zaratustra]

They do drinking contests with the house cat when you're not looking.

[Ken]

"about 70% (almost whiskey strength)"

ALMOST whiskey strength at 140 proof???

Where does this guy get his whiskey?

ME SOME TOO!

[Marvin]

I am not here!

[Marvin]

What is this?!

[Marvin]

Just Testing!

[Marvin]

This is not me!

[Marvin]

What is this?!

[Janet]

I can't believe the heartlessness of experimenting with a hamster and his tolerance of alcohol! It makes me sick to think that even one person would do this, but on top of it, at least 10 more people are making jokes of it! This is very disheartening! I can only remind you that everything comes back ten times over! I really hope that you all realize very soon that this is very wrong and constitutes as animal abuse. I wouldn't wish this on a human being...one that can think on his/her own and make their own decisions, but to do this to a helpless animal that doesn't have the ability to stop this is very sad. As interested as you are about alcohol abuse, why don't you go to a few AA meetings and learn about how it ruins lives!

[Deez]

Get a life and a sense of humour you animal rights hippy.