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December 07, 2004

BEAVER-TESTICLE TEA?

Who says Cleveland lacks culture?

(Thanks to Nitram Erialc)

Comments

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That culture just might be e. coli.

i hear it's totally ineffective if you don't stick your pinky in the air while you sip it.

I do believe that drinking that tea would render me ineffective.

so, yes, I would have to agree that it could work.

Mmmm.....One lump or two?

"Cleveland lacks culture"

Neener

Call me crazy but I think this article is going to make people a little testy...

I lost my appetite. For life.

"James Edmonson, the school's chief curator, said there can be an initial "giggle factor" when visiting the birth control museum. But he said there's a serious side to the collection"

How on earth do you say "I'm going to make a birth control museum" and still have a straight face, PLUS actually expect people to take you seriously???

ice cold pepsi makes you sterile too. so does wearing tight jeans. If you tie your jeans around you neck while drinking ice cold pepsi it means good luck in cleveland.

Nitram Erialc? Dave,how simple of a people do you think we are? Funny post CLAIRE! But don't you Coloradians eat bull bollocks and call them Rocky Mountain Oysters?

My favorite line: "Visitors will find rows of cervical caps, while condoms are on display near the douches."

I also noticed that it was a Canadian who talked you guys into doing this. I believe it was all a massive practical joke by the aformentioned Canadian (let's see if we can get them to build a condom museum!) You really should invade our country and make us stop this.

Answer to Dave's question:

I DO!

*goes to read article*

Olive Oil is right..But beer works even better..Just watch a Browns game,the stands are full of people dressed just like that..

...well, after reading the article:

I SECOND my previous comment.

Mayor: Welcome to Cleavland. Please keep moving west, there's no culture here. Oh, and ignore the Contraceptive Museum as further west there's Algona with a Cheese thingie...

"an important sociological story of human motivation to want to limit family size over hundreds and thousands of years in different cultures and in different countries," Skuy said.
Believe me,just walking around Cleveland will make you want to limit your family size...

Hooray for my school! Go Case Western Reserve University! (I've had a final in that building.)

Nitram... the moment I met you I swam....

Really makes sense now that I think about it. The "Mistake by the lake" has a museum dedicated to all of the resident "Mistakes" or, in other words, walking, talking, breathing failed birth control experiments.

Nobody really wants to raise kids in Cleveland, its just that the weather is so crappy that nobody wants to go outside to get proper birth control, from... say, a drug store. The residents are stuck inside their homes, and through the erotic urges brought on by sheer mind-numbing boredom decide to have sex... with each other.

Have you ever been desperate for birth control? Surely, as a teenager, you had the unexpected good fortune of finding another hormone crazed female or male of the opposite sex equally willing to engage in an inconvenient place and found yourself completely unprepared. Desperate times call for desperate measures and you urgently begin searching for saran wrap and a rubber band. Finding no rubber band, super glue seems like a good idea at the time, and who cares that the saran wrap came off of a week old mystery casserole in the freezer. It was that or aluminum foil, but a smidgeon of common sense leaks through the hormones and lets you know that crinkled aluminum may cause permanent injury.

How about the car? Again, desperation has you considering a tightly wrapped bungee cord or an improvised bottle/cervical cap. And since we've all heard the stories about coke/pepsi, you consider suggesting that the female of the opposite sex do the old carbonated douche... even though you have no less than 4 cousins who's parents believed the same lie in the 50's.

Yep, I'll admit to some strange thoughts when traditional contraception was not available and I think Cleveland is as good a place as any to erect *snicker* a shrine to failed contraception. Does anyone know how to remove superglue from sensitive skin?

I wonder what Claire Martin anagrams to??????

I'd say the "giggle Factor" is more of a chortle or snortle or guffaw...I'm finished.

Claire, I've got to hand it to you this time; that's just good investigative journalism. Take a bow. And have a beaver-testicle tea on me.(Would that bagnfarb? I know Giggle Factor would.)

To all of of you Cleveland haters:

Bite. Us.

We got loads of class.

How much would you pay for a cup of beaver-testicle tea? Better yet, how much would you pay NOT to have to drink it??

WC- I've always found the best way to remove super glue from your winky is turpentine and a match. Sure, it stings for a little, but you never have to worry about unplanned pregnancy again.

Also, I've always heard that ugly was the best contraceptive, followed by drinking moonshine, stilled in bathtubs, out of mason jars.

I've found that one of the best contraceptives is *trying* to have kids.

I've never heard that one, Leets. Wanna test it?

I'm not a hater, but I'm really glad now that I didn't invite the Remainders over for Beaver Tea & peorogies after their gig at the RRHOF.

harumph(which would really look better in bold)I say, harumph!

I know some people that would be good poster children for contraceptives....

I wonder where the contraceptive museum will find its staff of tomorrow....?

By the way, Beaver Testicle Tea - laugh if you will - is a 100% effective contraception method.

I mean, once you cut them off and boil them, that Beaver simply cannot procreate.

lurker, I've only been to Cleveland once, but I found the crackheads to be quite charming conversationalists while we were peeing on pedestrians.

And while the weather may not be your typical island paradise, I think the acid rain far makes up for any lacking in the population's social etiquette.

And the taxi drivers impressed me with their dedication to delivering their fares from point A to point B via Wyoming. One young gentleman even ran down an old lady and her cats to make sure I missed my appointment by circumventing the city with due dilligence.

Over all, I wholeheartedly endorse the city's civic slogan: "Cleveland."

I wonder how many people asked through the years "What's that yer collectin' there, Percy?"

Yeah, I thawt that a countraception was what we always drank spiked Beaver Scrot Tea and ate fresh mule dumplins at after all our relatives weddins........

*rural*

*tries to imagine curating such an exhibit*

*decides it's not worth the effort*

it gives a whole new meaning to that part of the song which goes "two for tea," doesn't it?

I was told once that eating marijuana seeds makes you temporarily infertile (for like a few days or something)....

But, I should note that the guy who told me that was pretty stoned at the time.... Oh wait, I was stoned at the time too....

It may or may not have even happened.....

I'm gonna go now....

"A museum setting, he said, is ideal for exploring sensitive topics."

The last time I explored some sensitive topics in a museum, the security people asked us to leave, which killed the mood, and worked as an effective contraceptive. Oh, the irony.

And Leetje, I've found small children to be the most effective contraceptive. Does anyone know how I can donate mine to this musuem? If I do, can they attend Case Western on reduced tuition when the time comes?

"lettered in BOWLING in High School"

Another contraceptive device.

...and I feel perfectly comfortable taking a potshot at bowlers, as I work just a few blocks from the "Bowling Hall of Fame and Museum" in Downtown St. Louis.

(I have NEVER been in there.)

I think the most effective birth control would be to put pictures of the people born to those who tried the less effective methods. Just hang on Uncle Fester's or Clarabell Bessie's picture next to the testicle tea and you would NEVER reproduce again....

I still think it is a massive Canadian practical joke. But perhaps you Americans already got your revenge. After all, Canada is building a WAR museum.... HAA, HA, HA....

*whew* You guys got us with that one. Canadians...war museum.... *chortle snort*

Guy I worked with once said he used, one time in desperation, a McDonald's hand puppet. Doubt that one is in the museum.

*150 days*

The very best birth control is inviting your dog to sleep in the bed with you and your significant 'other'! He won't allow any foolishment, by crackie!
The second best method is for the female of the pair to take one asprin. (ha, ha, you thought I would say, "And go to bed!") Yes, that is correct. What about the asprin, you might ask. Well, after she gets into bed, she is to place the asprin between her knees and see how long she can keep it there.

I second C-bol's remark that it's a very effective method ... for the beaver.

Also, those herds of rodents throwing themselves into the sea that you thought were 'lemmings' were actually de-narded beavers.

I've found marriage to be an effective method of birth control.

It was poor judgement in college that got us in trouble. That, and beer. However, now that I think about it, the beer and the poor judgement may have been related.

Leetie,
I learned from experience that the bestest, surest way to get pregnant is to GIVE AWAY all the baby things because you won't be having any more babies.

"de-narded beavers" Isn't that kind of redundant?

wait, if ugly is a good contraceptive, and if looks are inherited, how the he** did there get to be so many ugloids out there....ygh

THAT Queensbee, is the unfortunate by product of the following equation:

ugly people + beer = good looking until you wake up the next morning

Then the decendents are just hideous... and they hang out in bars and it just keeps the cycle going

THAT Queensbee, is the unfortunate by product of the following equation:

ugly people + beer = good looking until you wake up the next morning

Then the decendents are just hideous... and they hang out in bars and it just keeps the cycle going

My mother told us of a saying by her grandmother, who was doubtless trying to drum up some enthusiasm for 'variety' meats, that 'every part strengthens a part', e.g eating brains makes you smart, hearts make you courageous, etc.
But wouldn't that be the opposite idea behind beaver-ball beverages ?
Unless they instill a fondness for wood-chewing dam-building woodland creatures, and not for one's own species ?

I live 60 miles south of Cleveland, OH. We no longer have a major league baseball team worth paying to see; our football team continues to careen wildly downhill; the weather is not compatible with human survival, but we have LOTS of hall of fame museums in Ohio. At least Case Western didn't name this museum the Contraceptive Hall of Fame.

OK, Dave, you've got to admit it works. Contemplating crocodile dung has put me totally out of the mood.

In my whole life, I can remember several other seconds just like this.

It's always distressing, though...

Hey, it appears those of you who know how can now bold and italicize and link and all that good stuff. anyone want to try?

Bold Italics
testing?

Hey look! A picture of the world's ugliest cat! Gee, thanks BigD!

So many questions . . .

Thanks a lot BigD. You get the opportunity to link and this is what you give us. That is just nasty.

WooHoo!!!!!!
here goes
bolf
italics

bolf is the new bold

Easy, free contraceptive: point & laugh. Sure to cause ED.

I heard recently: "The most effective form of birth control? Wedding cake."

its very very tasty i drink it and pour it on everything

Rhino love from klynn

- I do charge for this service 'ya know :-)

klynn: I think it was djtony who put up useful tutorial on the board a while back.

Do you think th ey should be doing that in front of the baby?????

Wow, ya take 5 minutes to view the linked item, read the comments, and try to be helpful and MKJ grabs the glory, steals your thunder, and provides instructions to the neophytes!

I'm gonna post FIRST from now on, and then view, read, and perhaps post something relvant. Or not.

Wow, ya take 5 minutes to view the linked item, read the comments, and try to be helpful and MKJ grabs the glory, steals your thunder, and provides instructions to the neophytes!

I'm gonna post FIRST from now on, and then view, read, and perhaps post something relevant. Or not.

...and a double-post, ta-dah!

Please, Judi and/or Claire, PLEASE take over the Blog in January. I can't withdraw from the articles/links/obnoxious popups cold turkey.

Jeff? Jeff Myerson? Oh, my God, is it really you?.... Wow....

Good to hear from you.... I think you owe me $20.....

Know Jesus? Hell, that bastard owes me $20.... (or something like that.... Chris Rock in Dogma)....

PINTO

FedDuck - Are you the person who posted this the first time - I've been playing it and now have carpal tunnel syndrome - it reminds me of pong for some reason which I spent many happy hours playing in a bar during law school classes!

The first time, I got: 38
Second Try: 1224

from BigD's link:

wouldn't Hog Onslaught bagnfarb?

*hands glory & thunder back to Laguito*

Sorry 'bout that. We aims to please.

Dave,
I noticed that picture of Yasser Arafat to the left of that picture of the Don Sphynx kitten which was at the Russian Cat Show.

Proof positive that you do come back after your death!!!
The kitten is even wearing a woolie blanket over it's head.
Just wait for a few years when he grows up.
He will learn how to wrap his head in a proper Muslem fashion.

I want to be the first to say,"Hi! Yassie! Did you have a good trip back?" Are there any more at the Pyramid like you?"

CAPTION FOR RHINO PICTURE;

"When We Go On Our Sunday Outing, We all Ways Play Choo-Choo! Woo-Woo!!!"

But first, the Roo Roo!

Since I don't think anyone has said it yet, I will be the first to say that one night, if I am not mistaken, a long, long, long time ago by now, almost a YEAR ago in fact, I vaguely remember, around 2 o'clock in the morning, finding a $20 bill at the Rose Parade.

Also, "Claire Martin" anagrams to (among MANY other things) (and I mean no disrespect whatsoever by this) (I'd actually consider this a tremendous honor, myself): "martian relic."

I have a final in two and a half hours and haven't eaten dinner yet, so I will leave the beaver-testicle tea anagram for someone else. Fair is fair.

Good one, Eleanor.

Tina's caption for that picture was Hairless Pussy is not always a good (or pretty) thing. (Or something like that. I'm too lazy to look it up.)

Yeah, LINKS ARE BACK. Hooray for Judi. Now free the MOAT hostages!

Was this the one in the museum that Dave posted last week?.

I think that Percy has bolfly gone where no man's gone before.

*forbidden fruit test*

Testing.

This is only a test.

If this had been a real emergency, this post would have been followed by something witty ...

This now concludes the test.

*takes off haz-mat suit, realizes she forgot to put anything on underneath*

Oops.

*djtonyb steps in to remedy the precarious situation*

OK, move along folks ... nothing to see here.

punky, where have you been? We've needed you on the ALT-MOAT and the real MOAT the last couple of days. Did you catch Tina's latest Morons With Penises in the ER stories?

Regarding 'cheese sandwitch fallout,' I tried to pull up an article in the San Antonio paper, but couldn't. There is a hearing tonight in Eagle Pass, TX to determine just who is to receive the larger than life statue of Jesus on the Cross, that was found floating in the Rio Grande River last week. A number of representatives from both Mexico and Texas want the statue, so the town council will have to determine who will receive him. They claim that he was found on the Texas side of the border so therefore, he is Texan and should go to a Texan church. The Mexicans disagree, stating he probably came down the river from one of the chapels in Mexico. Well, will we have another "Alamo" incident? Has anyone contacted the President or 'homeland security?'(I did not make this story up, so poo!)

As a former Clevelander (Clevelandite?) I feel obligated to rise to the defense of my home city. Okay, I'm not really from Cleveland, but I am from a suburb (adjecent to the famous Avon Duct Tape Festival.) And I have lived in Los Angeles (okay, another suburb) for over 20 years, so... oh, nevermind.

Guin, no, that's not "our" Claire Martin. "Ours" is brunette and writes for the Denver Post.

Look at this.... HILARIOUS! Scroll down the list to "Florida Voting Machine."

Sorry about the simulpost..... mustyve hit the button too much, sorry

I just heard the latest news report from Eagle Pass, TX. The City Council of Eagle Pass awarded the "Undocumented Jesus" statue (the one found floating in the Rio Grande River) to the "Chruch of the Refugee" a Catholic Church in Eagle Pass that reaches out to immigrants from Mexico.
So, this international incident resulted in 'peaceful' negoiations.

This has been fun.

But I must add one garonteed contraceptive method.

I once owned a sweatshirt from Case Western Reserve University (a relative from somewhere outside of Cleveland sent it to me) and I can authoritatively state that in all the years I have owned that shirt, I never once became pregnant.

Uncle Omar

Maybe you didn't check your fertility clock to make certain of your fertile days.

FIRST!

I see you all have decided to be as lazy as humanly possible in creating a beaver-testicle tea anagram, so, like always, I've taken it upon myself to do it. I consider this to be one of my very finest anagrams EVER. Here goes: "Beaver-testicle tea" anagrams to "Celebrate! Estivate!"

In the future, I really want you all to please try a little harder, thanks. This is a team effort, here, guys.

kat,

Fertility has a CLOCK?

I did not know (not "no") that.

Eleanor,

This is probably the wrong thread, but ...

LAW SCHOOL !?!?!?!?!?!

(Makes Sign of the Cross to ward off evil ... )

No, seriously, I have a very good friend whom I would trust with my life and whom I trust with my property, since he rents a house from me.

All of this despite the fact that he is a CPA.

And, a Lawyer.

And, left-handed.

And, Norwegian.

Lars, the left-handed lawyer, I calls him.

But I'll just call you Eleanor.

Ohio Beaver Testicle Tea Rockin' Blues

Horny teenagers calling me
Back to their dorm room
They're tellin' me it's just for tea
But I sense my doom
All the easy chicks without prophylactics are goin’
After my rocks, after my rocks
Humpin’ (jean) gene genies, Grindin' james deanies goin’

After my rocks, After my rocks, After my rocks, After my rocks
After my rocks, After my rocks, After my rocks, After my rocks

PETA knows but they don’t care
There's nothing they will do
Cuz once they're down to their underwear
You know they're gonna screw
All the easy chicks without prophylactics are goin'
After my rocks, After my rocks
She’s down to her skin and I just can't win
She’s goin’ after my rocks, after my rocks, after my rocks, after my rocks

After my rocks, after my rocks, after my rocks, after my rocks

I got some crocodile dung for you
It works as well as my testes do
Don't you believe what I say is true?
Oh not my rocks, no not my rocks
At the drug store
Rubbers galore!
Please I'm beggin' you once more

Not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks
Not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks
Not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks
Not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks
Not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks
Not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks, not my rocks

Ohio!

One of my aunt's names is Eleanor.

This despite the fact that she owns a Burger King in Georgia.

And she's retired.

And right-handed.

And Italian.

"Aunt Ellie," I call her.

One time she gave me $20.

Thanks, Christobol, for your unbelievably insane song contribution. You always come through. Today, instead of Dave, you can be my hero. Well, unless someone else wants to be.

I have to stop staying up all night, because I honestly can't function correctly (think, type, emit odors, nothing) when I do. Some of you have probably noticed. I apologize for my obscenity.

*checks in at front desk*

Punky: Hi. I'm here for the interview.

Front Desk Person: What interview, Dear?

Punky: To be Doug's hero.

Front Desk Person: Oh. Well we didn't think anyone was going to show up for that ... hold on a second ... let me see what I can do ...

-------------------

Interview guy: Hello, Ms. Brewster. That's a lovely set of ... um ... eyes you have there.

Punky: Um. Thanks?

Interview guy: So ... you want to be Doug's hero, do you?

Punky: Well ... work's been a bit slow and I could use th-

*voice comes over loud speaker*

Herb ... please report to the janitors closet for a clean up in Room 32. Herb, clean up in room 32.

Interview guy: Oh! That's me. Gotta go.

Punky: Hey! What about the job?

Interview guy (AKA Janitor): Yeah, yeah, it's yours. No one else even applied. You can pick up your cape, boots and lasso at the front desk.

Punky: Thanks. Oh and by the way ... you have a toilet seat cover sticking out of the back of your pants.

*fade to black*

I don't know what's worse: that I lost my job
or that I lost my job because a janitor with
a toilet seat hanging out of his pants hired
someone new.

Oh well, at least it's Punky.

Advice to incoming hero: drop a LOT of $20s at
the Rose Parade. Write anagrams on them.

Once upon a time, the only culture that could be found in Cleveland was in the petri dishes at the local medical labs. That was back in the days when the fire departments were putting out fires either on the Cutahoga River or in Mayor Ralph Perk's hair.

Of course, times have changed.

Haven't they?

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