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December 15, 2004


Right here.

(thanks to Tyler Wilson)


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Here's an item that will be hard to find before Xmas . . .

If this is real, I'll be scared s^&*less.
Saturday Night Live had a 'commercial' for Colonblow (and SuperColonblow) years ago.
Nothing on earth could induce me to click on those 'Poop pics', the testimonials were bad enough.

The page cannot be displayed

I'll agree with insomniac that the testimonials made pictures completely unnecessary. These people need hobbies, fast. I mean, besides this one.

I loved that SNL "ColonBlow" commercial - I can still see Phil Hartman sitting on a million bowls of cornflakes = equaling one bowl of colonblow....

"Warning - Abdominal Distention may occur"

Having Tommy Hilfiger's - or anyone else's - name plastered all over your clothing is bad enough.

But can you imagine buying the cap or t-shirt that goes with this product? You know. The one that has the logo for Colonblow on the front and "poopin' is cool" on the back. Yikes!

Can you imagine calling your mother to tell her what a wonderful crap you had? What would she say?

Mom: You know, it was cute when you were 2, but now that you're 32, I don't want to hear about your poos anymore. Get a job, jack*ss!

Attention: To some persons, obsession with colon function may BE a hobby.

Information: I live in a heavily German immigrant community. Somatic obsession IS their Hobby.

Many of them are very nice though :) the EB.



tossed salad...


tossed salad...

No matter how I define these terms, they always come out identical.

Anybody remember Bill Cosby's routine on "output"?
"Look at the poo-poo! Isn't that cute little poo-poo?"
Then the kid starts on solid food and the poo-poo gets odor for the first time.
"Get that sh*! away from me!"

EVERYTHING SNL put in a mock commercial in the 70's and 80's is now a legimate product. The triple-bladed razors especially just kill me (now they also vibrate!) I'm immediately quitting my job and starting my own business making "Mr Invisible" Halloween costumes... The bag of broken glass also looks profitable...

Colonblow T-shirts, just in time for Christmas.

And for the folks who only need A LITTLE HELP...


Oh My God I just clicked on the outstanding poop pics and I almost threw up!...EWWWWWWW!

true poop story

I swear, my monitor started emitting the most foul odor when I clicked on that website. Or maybe it just seemed to do so.

no pictures, just a story (click above)

I'm curious as to why a true poop story would be on an eFiction part of the site...

c t tutt- great!
if this isn't legit. then it's some kind of poop porno site... *I am curious, brown*

brat began the site as a venue for Christobol's extraordinary writing talent. He recently added the Short Story category on his eFiction site.

What, you want me to type that whole thing out for the blog?

No, I am saying it's hard to believe the 'true' part of your 'true poop story' link.

Whatever you do, just don't click on colonblow's poop pics. You'll regret it.

Whatever you do, just don't click on colonblow's poop pics. You'll regret it.

Double damn.

Semantics, Marvin. I can't exactly ask brat to change the name of his site.

Don't miss the first "testimonial" on the site. This guy likes his own poo just a little too much.

"It is estimated that the average person has between 3 and 8 undigested meals in his colon at any given time"

I love that. Doesn't say WHO estimates it.

By the way,

It is estimated that the average person has anywhere from 9 to 11 eel-monkeys in their pants at any given time


It is estimated that the average person consumes 11 to 15 times their body weight in mayonnaise covered alligator waste every night without their knowledge.

this is fun.

My hair stylist recently told me he's opening a new salon, which will feature a hydrocolon therapy room. He quoted some statistic that the human body contains about 35 pounds of feces at any given moment and that after the process, there is an average weight loss of 5 - 10 pounds. The hydrocolon therapy will cost approximately $75.00. When I pointed out that a Fleet enema at Walmart costs lots less, he explained how this system works faster and used the term "jet" and he said it's all the rage in Los Angeles.

I pointed out we're in St. Louis, and he's opening his new salon in a highly Germanic neighborhood which will in no way shell out $75.00 for a jet-powered enema. If they did, they'd demand that for their $75.00, the entire 35 pounds be, um, gone.

I don't see myself calling for an appointment for a cut, color and colonic.


JET? I don't think so.

I have been forced to see pictures of my own colon I really really really don't want to see pictures of anyone elses. Oh and you can buy stuff without a prescription at the drug store to do the same thing for about $3. Of course then you don't get the cool colonblow T-shirt.

Jamester - I'll go in with you on the bags of broken glass business. I also seem to remember something about used kitty litter as modeling clay for kids... We can sell anything here in CA.

No Way! My first submission made the blog!

Now I'm going to Disney World!

Seriously, I think colon health is a very serious topic. My favorite quote (from the poop pics...)

"Nearly 2 feet of 'rope'. This is the good stuff.

FYI... it didn't fall apart when extracted from the commode. "

Cool beyond words. Poop that can be extracted in one piece!

Got any use for dog poop? My current 4 have a prodigious output.

C-bol: are you sure that's really the "average person" and not just you?

Did anyone else notice that it will help with your Sinuses??? If that is true, does that mean I'm full of sh**?

MOTW - thanks for posting the "no picture" message - it's a great story and so typical of a 2 year old!

As for Marvin's remarks - disregard - actually, now that I think of it, just disregard Marvin generally - he is just such a pain the the a** sometimes (oh- pun- intended or not, I cannot say)

Yer sh!ttin' me, right? I was too scared to look at the pics; the testimonials were scary enough.


Actually, I'm well above average.

Or maybe it's well I'm above average.

No, wait, It is estimated that I am not average.

that's it.

c-Bol, you are way above average, on-another-plane-of-thought. And that's how we like you.

If my body has 35 lbs of poop in it, and you empty out my intestine and I only lose 5 lbs, where are the other 30 lbs of poop? I'm actually alarmed at this. Perhaps the obesity epidemic is linked to this missing poop? Somebody should look into this - not me. I just ate.

Colon, Colon he's our man
If he can't do it, Laxative can
Laxative, Laxative he's our man
If he can't do it, Gentle Fleet Enema can
GFE, GFE he's our man
If he can't do it, SlysHairStylistsHydroColonic
SuperJetPoweredButtBlaster can
If he can't do it, then you're one tough little sh#%

Which incidentally, means another meal in my system that needs to be pooped out. But I had a good poop earliers which must be yesterday's lunch.... this is getting complicated. I actually have to keep track of which meal I'm pooping?

Somewhere North - you mean you haven't been swallowing your Poop DayTimer Tabs with every meal to keep track? Then it's time to start over with SlysHairStylistsHydroColonic
hilarious Mr.Fishair!

*does quick calculations*

Let's see, my vertical leap with 35 pounds of "extra" poop on board is roughly 7 inches. Now, if I go with the Extreme Colonblow Kaboom Kaboom Lucky #7 I can get rid of all 35 pounds and another 6 pounds of "extra organs" (must sign waiver for that one).

So, resulting vertical leap = 96 inches. I will so totally dominate the Y.

Of course, I could just settle for saying, "Man, if I wasn't so full of sh!t, I would have smacked that weak shot so far out of here you'd need a search party to finish this game, shizzle!"

That works.

Oh my. I couldn't stop myself. I clicked on the pics link.

Everyone seems to be taking this site seriously. I think it's a spoof. Who wants to order the stuff to confirm one way or the other?

And, I'm with you, C-bol: making up your own "facts" can be outstanding fun! Did you know that 87% of all statictics are made up, anyway?

I'm still not sure this site is real. When I went to the pictures page, the advert at the bottom was for cheap plastic surgery in Tijuana.

But then again, P.T. Barnum didn't get rich by selling a product everyone needed.

Would Tijuana Surgeons bagnfarb?

Site's crap of course.
As someone who has had colon cancer I recommend the Peter Pan treatment (don't age). I'm working on it, body gets older, I get sillier.

Check the FAQ's. They answer the question "Is this site for real?" there with a hearty "yes".

Ok ... so if you have 9 - 11 undigested meals in your body at any given time ... how come when you eat corn it shows up totally intact in your very next poop?! Does it just cut in front of the other meals that are patiently waiting in line ...

Corn poop: excuse me ... excuse me ... coming through ... in a hurry ... could you move over please ... trying to get by here ... let's go, meals ... move!

It is also a proven fact that 76% of closely related Norweigens have bowel problems due to eating French cheese.

82% of Caucasian Zambians have 7-9 undigested meals.

96% of Canadians reported that Tim Horton's donuts pass easier through their colons than Krispy Kremes.

This IS fun.

punky- if all your other undigested meals are like planes stacked up over Atlanta, then corn would be like Airforce One, they always get 'clearance'.


It is estimated that the average person is born with 79 pounds of "ready to poop" corn kernals sitting in their lower GI, and that these kernals come out whenever new corn arrives.

'poop corn'-hee hee

Punky: Just sprayed my Poland Spring across my desk. Hilarious.

Don'tcha just HATE talking poop?
It's so "South Park".

Punky: Actually, the Republicans put corn on the fast track - it was part of the farm subsidies bill.

Just another example of the man not keeping his laws off your body.

Here is a disgusting true story:

I was enjoying my meal when I suddenly discovered that one of my $300 crowns was no longer in my mouth. It hadn't come out the front end, so it must have fallen down the back end. What to do? Yup, that's what I did. Took quite a few days, in fact at one point I got an X-ray to make sure I hadn't missed it. It was still in there-turned up the next day. So yes, there are quite a few meals in there.

Here was the interesting part to me; I was willing to do this to save $300 on a new crown. I wouldn't have done it for $50. So where is the cutoff point? For me, probably around $150.

And yes, the dentist stuck the crown in the sterilizer for a good long time before reinserting.

According to a study done by the University of Western, Northern, Southeastern Collegiate

"Whenever you eat corn, it will automatically reshape your meal#1 poop into simulated corn kernals. This is due to a phenomenon known as regression to the mean."

So you see Punky - it is all a conspiracy and we should worry about it.

Hey, Somewhere North!

I'm Norwegian! I take great offense at your statistic! Go pick on another blonde and beautiful ethnic group!

Anyway, it's more like 84%

*having fit of giggles over "poop corn"*

*tips hat to insomniac while cleaning orange pop off of the poor student sitting on the other side of the computer desk.*

"one of my $300 crowns"
You mean you have more than one $300 crown? Guess that's why I need sunglasses when you smile!

My threshhold is much lower, Sandy.

Hell, I'll poop on your crowns for $35

Deeply sorry for the offense Debbie. I too belong to a blonde and beautiful demographic and certainly meant no offense to my compatriats. I'll try to make up more accurate statistics from now on.

By the way, I thought most Norweigens were redheads? Thus the reason I could insult them with such abandon.

Sandy Beach -

Hope you're not recycling your corn too...

Pun Penalty: 10 yards

Debbie--only if I get paid at least $150 to do it.

Sandy beach...

That was about the coolest story I have ever heard. Do you tell that story and show the crown off at parties?

No seriously, I am not making fun, I am very interested in feces in all their glorious incarnations.

(yeah, my wife thinks its weird too, but my kids are beginning to show promise as future fecologists themselves...)

My German immigrant population would be far too Anal to shell out $75 for a Jet Blast....

My colon can outblow your colon.

That's my favorite pick up line:

"Hey, wanna see the crown I pooped out?"

Gets me every time...

Somewhere North--

True, there is lots of auburn in Norway, but way more blonde.

If you're (not your) looking for redheads to insult, may I suggest sticking to the old standby: the Irish. They are good targets for so many reasons.

Tyler, so glad you enjoyed it. I told that story at parties for years. Then I noticed that everyone suddenly had to "go home" right after. So I stopped telling it. This seemed like the perfect setting--like you, everyone here has some interest in poop--or they wouldn't be here!

Hey, that can be handy if you're hosting a party and it's getting late...

punky - I'm sooooo glad you gave us a theory for the "elimination of corn" issue - and have you noticed it doesn't matter how much or how long you chew it, it always comes out whole! Like spiders coming back to life after you smooosh them unless you flush them down the toilet!!

And remember what Will Rogers (or someone) said: "There are lies, there are damn lies, and then there are statistics!"

Truly enjoying today's coversation with my cornpatriots. Kisses to all.
*Maybe just an 'air kiss' for Sandy*

Debbie - see I'm in a conflict of interest position here - I'm a blonde Irish. So I can't insult the Irish, I can't insult the blondes. That leaves me very few options.

*Sighs at political correctness*

*perks up*

Aggies? What are Aggies?

Somewhere - the Aggies are always a good target.

WOw - I went back in time to ask you before you posted MOTW. I'm amazing.

Sandy, when I used to be in the Army, I found that a combination of the thick brown chocolate pudding and corn niblets mixed together and eaten with a wide open mouth would almost guarantee a table to yourself in the chow hall.

In fact, just mixing them together on your tray would often do the trick.

(but I liked the taste...)

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gassy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(See Punky's post above)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Dave's Blog Poopie
When you're trying so hard not to laugh like a hyena in your office that you *snork* and blow one in your BVD's

Somewhere North
Aggies - short for Agricultural college students

Typical Aggie Jokes
more Aggie jokes

Q - How do you make a one-armed Aggie fall out of a tree?
A - Wave.

Hey - those Aggie jokes sound suspiciously like Newfie jokes. Are you guys stealing our jokes and misapplying them?

And Fed - thank you for that very comprehensive and completely disgusting compilation of poopie definitions.

Thank you, Fed Duck. That was the best laugh I have had in a long time!

I just Googled "poop jokes" 'cause I'm lazy and I hate blurking too much. I felt I should input something of aesthetic and philosophical value.

I never thought I'd find a thread where off-topic racist jokes were an improvement over the actual topic.

Somewhere North: I thought that under PC you were only allowed to make fun of groups you did belong to?

I'd make fun of my own race now, except I'm not entirely sure what it is - mostly decended from places near the UK, I think. And I wouldn't know any good stereotypes of my group even if I knew which one it was. Just another handicap of not having a classical education...

Make fun of the Irish? Are you crazy? Do you know how long they hold a grudge? We're still fighting a 500 year old war over there.

Which means the only other option open is to make fun of the British (my other half) but they're friends with the Americans so I am somewhat reluctant.

Jews? Well my husband's Jewish so that's out. Arabic? Sister in law - can't do that. Black - another sister in law.

I thought Norweigens were a fairly safe bet. Sigh - you just can't insult anyone anymore.

Somewhere - Aggie's are good, but Polocks are better. We love a good Polish joke - until we remember we're Polish that is.

you all have taken a nice thread about poo-poo and turned it into something, well, not quite as bad. But I was going to follow up 'poop corn' with a reference to Orville Red-in-back-er.

Hmmm... I like that PC rule. But that means that I must refrain from lawyer jokes. That's a tough one. There's just so much material!

Do you think you can make lawyer jokes, if you have a lawyer in your immediate family? My sister is a lawyer.

Do you think I could bend that rule for Newfie jokes too? My mother is a Newfie.

Don't know how well this product works, don't really wanna know. I'm guessing it works pretty well judging by how quickly I lost my lunch after looking at those pics. Came out the other end tho.

Well, if no one else is going to volunteer, I guess I'm going to have to order it. I'll let y'all know how things come out. (Hey!!! No groaning!)


Gee, thanks for sharing that Dave. Excuse me while I stick my finger down my throat and get that down to 2.

jamester: and don't forget Johnny Human Torch.

Sandy, he reinserted the crown?
(* backs slowly away from sandy while looking for the exit*)

Jeff - righto. I loved those sleazoid Dan Ackroyd/enraged Jane Curtin bits...

Jeff, why else would I be digging through that sh**, so to speak? It was either that or buy a new crown for $300. You woulda done the same thing, admit it.

Sandy, I for one would not.

However, I do routinely sift thru my sh!t, looking for stuff. So far, I've found nothing of value.

**corn trivia answer: the "skin" of corn kernals is not digestible, so it passes thru you unscathed, and refills itself with poo on the way**

***corn trivia2: this does not improve its taste***

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