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November 19, 2004

WE ALMOST FORGOT!

Happy World Toilet Day.

Please observe it appropriately.

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Here's flushing at you!

Excuse me, but some of us celebrate Orthodox World Toilet Day in about 2 weeks.

The phrase "World Toilet Summit" makes me want to put on an oxygen mask, hire a couple sherpas, and climb climb climb.

We'll make base camp on the rim, and go for the handle in the morning. By this time tomorrow we should be planting our flag on the Kleenex box, high atop the tank.

Seems kindof mean spririted to have a "World Toilet Day" when most don't have a toilet, and are stuck reading old copies of Readers Digest in the woods and then wiping with a nearby squirrel.

Shouldn't it be "Developed Nations With Running Water Toilet Ha Ha Neener You Pathetic Neanderthals Oh But Thanks For Making Out Pants" Day?

Either way, provided there's beer, I'll celebrate it.

*stares at toilet*

*looks up*

How long do I have to observe this thing?

I was out seeing a movie with Mad about a week or so ago and a preview for National Treasure came on and at the end it said, "Coming November 19th" and I blurted out, "oooh, that's World Toilet Day!" I wonder what that says about the movie...

"Meet Movers and Shakers.." A thinly veiled reference to doing numbers one and two..

Wanna to smoke some of the, uh, good stuff?

How long do I have to observe this thing?

ROFL! OMG, Punky I'm lucky I didn't get fired, arrested, or put in a padded room after the fit of giggles you gave me.

I'm so flush with excitement, my head is swirling.

What if we want to observe it inappropriately?

So to honor the season, instead of Caroling, groups of people would go door-to-door &...

never mind.

I'm going to be a rebel and use a kitty litter box all day.

DJT-it was Mars and Venus...I just read it again recently...

Key quote: "Meet the movers and shakers". Apparently, a male only gathering. I hope theey have reading material for the movers.

Oh My God!..I have nothing to wear for such special occasion!

*Adding it to the WotM and MotM calendars*

Christobol, Punky, DJT, Amber, Julie, heck all of ya...you guys are hilarious!

Big deal, we're having the North Miami County Urinal Festivus all weekend.

Spiderwank's gonna be there. First 2000 paid admission get a free sculpture depicting the Greg Hill groping a zebra, made entirely of urinal cakes (the sculpture, not the zebra).

But hey, go ahead, observe your toilet.

So on the last day of the summit, do the participants arrive at some sort of scatalogical conclusion?

Or do the come to a divided end?

That should read "they" -- Aww sh#@!

Sounds like fun.. just grab a stool and sit and listen to toilet talk all day.

Sorry about the typo, I must have been flush with all the excitement.

Somebody please stop me before I hurt myself.

You young whippersnappers don't know what real fun is! Way back not-so-when, we had World Outhouse Day! And before that there was World Chamber Pot Day. Afore that was Out In the Woods No Not There That's Where The Bears Go Day. An afore that. . .

I wonder if you have to do alot of paper work to get invited to sit in on the conversations...

"Besides a showcase of the latest products and services with a large array of innovative solutions for the restroom and hygiene industry will be on display,"

Ahh... I see you surpry I speek Engrish so werr

Oh.. and uh

*spurt*

My name is Rucirrrre!

In case anybody left on the planet hasn't heard this one:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a Greg Hill in the forest one day, and the bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with sh!+ sticking to your fur?" The rabbit looks up at him and says, "No."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Perhaps I can interest you in our latest model as a highschool graduation present for your son?

It's the DormJet 2000®. This baby comes with PorcelinePillow© and a mouthwash dispenser. Let's face it, if you know your loved one is going to spend at least as much time with his face in the toilet as his ass, doesn't it make sense to cater to both ends?

Tout le Toilette!

Don't you hate it when you fall asleep with your clothes on and all your change falls out in the bed, and through tossing and turning all night, several of them work their way up Uranus, so when you go cop your morning squat, like a buck fifty falls out in the toilet, and you're all like, "Damn. I could've bought an egg mcmuffin with that."

Me too.

You lost me at "could've" ?

I'd be saying: "Woo-hoo! Egg McMuffin here I come!"

I was about to pray to the porcelin deity one night, and I haul off with every intention of barfing up my socks and leaned forward so violently that I whanged my head on toilet tank so hard that I collapsed, and as I was staring woozily into the toilet, I thought to myself, "Damn. There's a buck fifty in there. I coulda bought some more beer with that."

I didn't get sick though, which I feel is an accomplishment.

Speaking of which, I read a study one time, concerning the cleanliness of cash, considering how much it is handled, and people's handwashing habits. It concluded that touching a one dollar bill with your bare hand is tantamount to eating clam chowder out of a rest stop toilet in Alabama.

Greg Hill: You just made that up!

So? You're violating a bunny.

I was eating clam chowder out of a rest stop toilet in Alabama one time, when I looked in there and thought, "Damn. There's a buck fifty in there."

I was so mad I violated a bunny.

Greg Hill: You just made that story up!

So? I violate bunnies for god's sake.

Help! Who is Greg Hill? And why must the bunnies suffer?

I was eating violated bunny at Earl's Latrine in Alabama when Greg Hill offered me a buck fifty to watch him lick a camel.

Greg Hill: Ok, that's actually true.

Fed: Hey christobol, wanna go spank some chimpanzees?

Christobol: Is a bear catholic? Does the pope sh!+ in the woods?!

Pope JP: Yes, and I read Reader's Digest and wipe with nearby squirrels.

Christobol: So you wanna spank some chimpanzees with us?

Pope JP: Of course. But Fed can't wear my hat, and I hope he quits asking.

Amber, don't worry, the bunnies do not suffer, because Greg Hill has a microscopic penis.

I just heard a report on NPR where they interviews the founder of the World Toilet Organization and he stated that ( I am not making this up) "toilets is a subject that has been neglected for too long". Also, some other guy said that he did not know that when you flush a toilet containing fecal matter, there are bacterias that jump like 3 feet up in the air...yeah, like I really needed to know that...

Elle: C-bol and Fed are making me laugh so hard I have to pee....
Greg Hill: That's not true!

OMG! Cristobal said my name! I still don't know who Greg Hill is, but who cares? Cristobal, the big Cbol, said my name!!!

Microscopic Penis WBAGNFARB

When my daughters were aged 2 and 4, they developed a fetish about the toliet. Everytime we took them to a restaurant, they had to go and inspect the toliet. When we stopped at a gas station during our travels, it was the same old story. One day I caught them flushing their small Fisher Price down the toliet. I couldn't remove it, but everytime I flushed the commode to try and make the radio go down,-- -music would come out of the blessed bowl!

I was watching Greg Hill pay Amber to watch him lick Earl in Alabama when a bacteria jumped jumped three feet and drop kicked me in the groin.

Julietine: That's not true!

Yeah, well I didn't really throw a bag of poo on Claire Martin's front porch either.
And besides, I violate bunnies for god's sake.

Amber...Christobol said my name once. I remember it well.

I am so sick of hearing abour Greg Hill's Mojo...shoot me.

It's True.

Federal,

I swear they said that!!!!

*walks in*

*looks around*

*walks right back out*

Elle,
Check Shanghai for the toilet. I also am sitting here with tears streaming down my face from you guys.

Joshkr ... yeah, it was great, I'm still shaking. But I can't spend too much time thinking about that, I'm on to hording bunnies to keep them safe. Except the ugly ones, you guys can have those.

Blasphemy!

god: Fed, I did not tell you to violate the bunnies. I told you that, of all my creations, they like to screw about as much as any, so you should be able to get lucky there. I did expect you'd at least buy them a carrot and play some soft music. They aren't Cher, for my sake!

I also remember saying Amber (the stripper)'s name once...my gf was so mad she got dressed and took her bunny with her.

I just took care of the peeing needs before getting caught up here, and I laughed so hard I have to go again...should only read on a truly empty bladder I suppose.

Hey, I needs my lovins!

*jumps fed and chris like a stoned orangutan*

Wanna see me pull a bunny out of my beaver dam?

Well Joshkr, at least you'll always have the ugly bunnies to bump uglies with.

Well done elle, ya beat me to it. 'Course I was speaking as Jeff, Demigod of Buscuits (Izzard®), so we've got it covered.

Greg Hell: (banging on bathroom door) c'mon, I gotta go!
Elle and Susan: Go away! We're peeing and laughing at what C-bol and Fed said
Greg Hell: That's not true!

Every bunny needs some bunny sometimes...

hey VB, if I know Fed, you got an Egg McMuffin. How do you suppose his kinky score got so high?

*outside the World Toilet Summit*

Ticket Scalper: Hey man, you need any tickets? Sold out...this is your last chance.

Greg Hill: *with Lemmywinks scrabbling to get out* Um, how much?

Scalper: How much you got?

Greg Hill: I'll let you watch me lick a camel.

Scalper: Are you planning to run that joke into the ground?

Fed: Beating dead horses is my hobby.

Greg Hill: Really? What're you doing later?

Has anyone seen my toe?

Dear Farm and Stream

I never thought it would happen to me. I'm just an average bunny, maybe a little fluffier than some, but certainly no Thumper. So you can imagine my surprise when, while grazing in an open field the other day, none other than Greg Hill, THE MOST FAMOUS ANIMAL VIOLATOR OF ALL TIME, picked me up and shagged me until my ears drooped.

I'm having his illegitimate freak spawn, which, due to natural urges beyond the understanding of a simple bunny, I will eat. Still, I'll always remember the way his very tiny penis felt against my furr.

Sincerely,

Violated Not So Ugly Bunny

This aggression will not stand, man!

Bunnies were charging a buck fifty to violate Greg Hill who was rendered unconscious due to being kicked in the groin by Claire Martin, who was shooting a movie in Alabama, starring Earl "The Groin" as her ArchEnemy Jeff Meyerson.

Jeff Meyerson: Hey, That is True! She's a real cut throat.

Yeah well, Egg Mcmuffins make me puke.

Farm and Stream is a magazine about the urinary health of livestock. Most people don't know that.

Oh, they just don't admit to knowing it. But you lift up their mattresses, and there, under the hello kitty blow up bunny, you'll find the last 12 issues of Farm and Stream, or my name isn't Shaq "The Whack Snack Check My Pack" Funkmeister III.

"I'm having his illegitimate freak spawn, which, due to natural urges beyond the understanding of a simple bunny, I will eat"

I think you stole that line from a play in which I acted in the 5th grade. I guess you could call it acting.

I thought it was Chrestobol

Are you kidding? That dumb bastard can't even spell biscuits!

Shaq "Whack Snack Pack Patty Smack Hold The Phone" Funkytown II

Ok I feel ignored...first Claire Martin throws poo in my front porch, next Dave ignores my e-mails and now you guys...**sniff** **sniff**

Yeah, anyone remeber the August edition?

There was a very in depth article investigating the cause of tract infections amongst middle aged Herefords.

*hands julietine a lollipop*

Here.

It helps to suck on something.

julietine...come sit on my lap and tell me all about it

Punky, I thought I paid you off? Now you're going to reveal that everything I've ever posted on this blog I lifted verbatem from your 5th grade play? Well thanks a lot.

All I wanted was undeserved love, is that so wrong?

elle ... you bet your sweet ass it was acting. You see how ugly that bunny was? Greg Hill wouldn't even lick it.

Oh Yeah Joshkr...

**gives happy lap dance**

*hands cbol an ugly bunny costume*

now you're sure to get some undeserved love.

julietine, I wasn't ignoring you, I was just playing coy with your bunny.

Wait, does "playing coy" still involve whips and butter these days?

elle ... ah, very witty, you little republican, you.

*smooches*

Julietine, if you think Josh is worked up now, you should see him with butter. The man's an animal!

Greg Hill: Really?

FWIW, Greg just apologized for his sins over in the blog-berry thread.

Wait! I want in on this card game:

I'll see you elle's sweet ass and, well, come to think of it, I'll just call on elle's sweet ass.

*slips on ugly bunny costume and pretends he dropped something*

*puts on bunny suit*

*prays*

"please play coy with me ... please play coy with me"

Julientine was at the Clinton library giving Joshkr a happy lap dance, and Hillary walks in and hands them a cigar and says "Looks like you might need this", and walked over and straightened a picture of Punky's 5th grade class hanging on the wall next to a quote.

Joshkr: It's true. I've never meet a lap dance that didn't make me Happy.

Punky, that bunny costume looks pretty hot. I'd hate for you to get all sweaty. I think you should take it off. You know, for safety or something.

*sets up the PunkyCam*

Hey elle, can you move a little to the left. The lighting's a little off.

*plays coy with Punky*

Hope you weren't planning to jog today, elle.

I promise I'll be.... happy.

Christobol, you may be funnier, better looking, and have a larger winky than me, but I Beat You In That Simulpost! *wheeeeee*

*Does the Wanky Dance*

*Grabbing Julietine* We gotta run from the photographers! Yes, just duck into this quiet little corner with me...

Elle - I'll rent you a mule (from Greg Hill's Menagerie of Pre-licked Farm Animals) - then you can get drunk off your ass later....

Is not...

*returning elle's ass*

I swear, it was already drunk when I got it. Check with Punky, she's the one who originally bet it. I have no comment on the hickey, under advice from counsel.

Sorry Punky, but you did out me on stealing all my material from your play.

OK ... I'm outta here ...

I'll return the bunny suit on Monday ... soiled and sticky, if things go as planned.

*careful hugs back to elle - cognizant of injured rampart*

How is our dubious metrosexual these days?

Christobol - hopefully that's ALL Punky's outed you on...

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Well, you shouldn't have gotten that tattoo then. It looks delicious, dammit.

Elle's ass was made for running,
and that's just what she'll do.
And one day, if you're lucky,
It'll run right into you.

Back to something tangible.

I just finished making a sweep of the bathrooms on both floors of my office in order to pay homage to the magnificant toilet.

I FLUSHED them all.

I gotta go I'm feeling a little dehydrated after whizzin in 16 toilets.

*beer*

You know, I bet if you put 10,000 monkeys in a locked room with 10,000 typewriters for ten years, at some point Greg Hill would show up and pay them a buck fifty to watch him lick a camel.

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