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November 18, 2004

SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT BEAVERS

They know the value of a dollar.

(Thanks to Nancy Klingener, and probably 50,000 other people, but we are on the road and have not been checking email, so sue us.)

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oh first. no rich beaver jokes. oh go ahead, you will anyway.

My beaver couldn't give a damn ... much less build one.

The Weaving Beavers wbagnfarb

I am Marshall Packingwood.
The beaver ranger.

So sue us? Dave, you've been in Miami too long!

Now thats an eager Beaver.

What about a rich Otter?

Ok Dave, you asked for it. You'll be hearing from my lawyers, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.

32 hours later...

yay, beavers! Woot! A beaver in the bush is worth two in the bedroom - wait, no! I mean, um, well there's not much else I could do with that...

I like this guy's nickname: St. Helena Parish Sheriff Ronald ''Gun'' Ficklin

Those beavers sure are rogues, down there in the Rouge...

Lets see if i can wing another long and pointless joke.

When i was a child i was learning about beavers in school.
I couldn't help but laugh.
I kept thinking about my 2nd grade teacher's snatch.
It was strangely arousing, but i was like 6.
So i never made a move on her.
Until she invited me over to her house after school, one day.
You see, my teacher was BEAUTIFUL.
I mean, she was a 10.
So i'm at her house and she's telling me how special i am.
I never understood what she meant.
But i think it has something to do with the fact that i had the highest IQ in arkansas in 1990.
Apparently Clinton moved there later.
She really liked me, but few other people ever have.
But, i think i'm a little off topic here...

8>

P.S. Too bad she was married.

St. Helena Parish Sheriff Ronald ''Gun'' Ficklin

Dam!! What a great name!!

Nope, i don't think that was a joke, so i'll try again.

A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

Dang -- er Dam, Slart, you beat me to "Gun's" name.

Can you just imagine Deputy Ficklin's other nicknames?

"People are strange when you're a (Beaver)"

Beaver.
BeAvEr.

Booger?

Psycho_Joe, you sure did have a lot of numbers in your post. So I thought maybe it was a sign. Putting them all in a string, I got 261-101-9908. Now this wouldn't happen to be your phone number, would it. Because that would be just plain...funny.

So being "on the road" is what people are calling it now....

"I got a friend named tommy, he says he's named after the gun, but i know that he was really named after a 19th century ballet dancer."

That is a quote, can anyone guess the movie?

Yeah, sly, I knew I would have to corner the nickname part of the story before anyone else if I wanted control of the ball, even for a moment...

Hey bart, nice that you noticed, but it's not my number.

too bad really.

Gator Bait?

"I like to shoot from the hip."-Sheriff Ronald 'Gun' Ficklin

*Notices the thread isn't growing very fast. Realises that its bacuase everyone is waiting for the next post to go up now Dave and Judi have "pulled over at a rest stop". Launches second browser window and switches on "turbo-refresh" mode*

bart? BART? Pshaw! it's slarti or slart or slartibart or slartbart or SMII, but bart ain't it, you whippersnapper. And I know the quote, but only because I cheated and looked it up. It was nice you made it relevant to the topic, but why that quote in particular? There wasn't a Tommy in the report.

ok Mark II.

I'll tell you why.

I'm desparately starved for attention.

Thank you for being a friend.

Psycho Joe -

Gotta give you credit, dude. You're question is a VERY clever way to get me to type the word "Snatch" (as in the name of the movie you reference) on this thread about beavers. Very clever, indeed.

Oh - the old "stuff your money in my beaver dam" trick. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I'm a construction worker who is starved for attention, and a virgin.

Thank you for asking.

Asshat.

8

Isn't the name of the casino fitting? "Lucky Dollar Casino" There;s only one lucky dollar in the whole place...

And what's with the left her in an uninhabited area of East Feliciana Parish part? Are there lots of uninhabited areas of Eas Feliciana? Sounds like beaver-wash (not hogwash) to me!

Beaver Wash WBAGNFARB.

how'd that semi-colon get there?

*stomps off muttering about colons and beavers and money and guns and cheese and polyurethane and jelly and KitKat bars*

*comes...err, stomps back muttering about more stuff*

and who took my t? I demand its return to its rightful place at the end of "Eas"! Those dammed beavers probably took it to fix the mess ol' 'Gun' Ficklin left behind.

*ring.....ring...*

Hello, is this Aaron Goldschmidt? Hi, this is slyeyes and I'd like to sue Dave Barry.....yes, that Dave Barry. Wait, let me rephrase that...I really wouldn't LIKE to, I'm just doing it to make him happy.....uh huh....that's right. He told us to sue him, and well, with him leaving soon and all, well, we just want to make him happy. Yes that's right, he told us to sue him. His exact words were "so sue us"......yes, I'll hold.

*sings with Muzak --
Can you hear the drums fernando?
I remember long ago another starry night like this
In the firelight fernando
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar

Yes, I'm still here.....damages? hmmmm.....how was I injured? Well, you see, it's like this. I wasn't actually injured per se, -- uh-- per se??-- that's latin for..shouldn't you know that?? Any way, several of the male bloglits were injured. They, uh, actually, they waxed their balls.......uh huh, scrotums. No, it wasn't Dave's idea. Um...it was, er, well, it was Punky's idea......uh, huh.. Punky Brewster. Sue Punky instead??? Oh, it's not that Punky......what? false impersonation... fraud?.... Um, well...I gotta go.

*click*

That didn't go well.

Sorry, Punky.

*cough*

Oh, look, a rich beaver!!

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.....
Beavers in my MOAT can make me smile....

Thanks for pulling over, Dave!

Beavers don't bank
dam it.
Beavers don't roll in the dough,
they just roll it... and pack it with the twigs.
Dam it.
Charley don't surf...
and beavers don't bank...
...
dam it.

*ring.....ring...*

Hello, Godivas? I need a REALLY big box of chocolate truffles and I'd like them delivered to Miss Punky Brewster c/o the Dave Barry's Blog......the message?

*can't stop self...must resist...this is to make amends....but have to do it...*

The message is "nobody knows the truffles I've seen.

*click*

Hello?

(ok, so it's not a MOAT. Yet.)

Please carry on...

Please?

lol, sly.

If Christobol's hanging around here anywhere - I just need to say thanks for the "sweet mother of parakeets" line. Muttered it unthinkingly under my breath halfway thru a horrific day at the vet hospital - 'twas the only thing that made us laugh all day.

thank you, thank you. :)

Why are vets so sickness-prone that they have to have their own hospital? And what is horrific about a sick vet?

This just goes to show you the different perspectives possible on the same things.

Casino thieves: "They're onto us -- we're going to have to throw all this loot into the creek for now. Damn!"

Beavers: "Ooooh!! Green leaf-like things! For our dam!"

well, I DID find the exact address, I think 5869 Highway 10 E or something like that, but I couldn't get Yahoo to register the address...

shaay, did you mean "vet" as in veteran or vet as in vetinary (sp???)

wysiwyg: You've heard about "dirty old men" I presume? Well, there you are then!

(unhygenic old goats...)

Veterinary. As in animals.

um, though some of those VFW meetings....

ahem. never mind.

Postin' Naughty Bits

If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to why don't you go
where humor fits
Givin' you the sh!tz
Different types who post all day
no pants, wet wipes, and thongs they say
are perfect fits
Why not flash your tits?
Dressed up like Ronald "Gun" Ficklin, Trooper
Those beavers sure can make a cop feel super! (super duper)
Come let's mix where cri-mi-nals
who are hicks with min-i-mal
intelligence
Givin' us the sh!tz

Have you seen a Cajun Queen
in that New Orleans scene
Or that drunk French Quarter there
With her nose high up in the air
Her shirt open wide down from the collars
Her skirt, lifted up for just two dollars
Spending every dime for a wonderful time

If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to why don't you go
where humor sits
Givin' us the sh!tz
Different types who post all day
no pants, wet wipes, and thongs they say
are perfect fits
Who they try'n to sh!t?
Dressed up like Ronald "Gun" Ficklin, Trooper
Those beavers sure can fill a pooper scooper (super duper)
Come let's mix where cri-mi-nals
who are hicks with min-i-mal
intelligence
Givin' us the sh!tz

(tap dance break)

Dressed up like Ronald "Gun" Ficklin, Trooper
His police dog sure can fill a pooper scooper
If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to why don't you go
try to match wits
Givin' us the sh!tz
Givin' us the sh!tz
Givin' us the sh!tz


Move...
Move...

Gotta dance
Gotta dance...

If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to why don't you go
join us half-wits
havin' laughin fitz...
givin' us the sh!tz...
postin' naughty bitz...

*Claps wildly for C-bol*

lol!


*taps toes, hums, sips martini*

*wonders if "claps" was the best verb to use...*

Bellisimo, Christobol! Bongiorno!? Envore! umm, parmigiana! Velveeta! Penne!

Shaay, Ooops. It never crossed my mind to think of veterans, just veterinarians, but "Unhygenic and the Old Goats" WBAGNFARB.

In fact I'm sure I've been to one of their concerts. No, wait, I'm thinking of the Ridley's shirt and the RBRs....

Anyone else remember the Jeeves and Wooster episode that starts out with Bertie Wooster trying to get the timing right for "Putting on the Ritz?"

I just tried singing some of C-bol's verse, wish you could have heard it. Think I might need another of thise martini thingies.

um, "these" martini thingies. Oops.

Would Martini Thingies BAGNFARB?

punky - you win the award - best post of the night - coconut bra size DD

p.s. I hate to say I told you so, but I said they went to a motel

*at least that's what I think I said, I'm very confused - thread deprived*

Its OK, I'm sort of ping-ponging back and forth waiting to see if Punky will give me a bit more of a clue before I dive back into the photo archives.

*sigh* The closest I've ever been to anything close to Puttin' on the Ritz was The French Mistake. I think it's a fair inbalanace.

"Sounds like steam escaping." AND "Watch, me, f@&&0ts."

Argh, C-bol, I hate that song! It gave me Taco flashbacks!

Hmm, "Taco Flashbacks" wbagnfarb.

wysiwyg: it helps that Daddy was a veteran (but not a veterinarian)

btw, it there a phonetic pronounciation for your blog name? I can't quite sound it out.

Hey! That post went to the wrong thread! This is what I get for running multiple browsers on this new computer they've given me - its so modern it can actually walk and chew gum at the same time. Don't expect it to last past SP3 though.

try "wussy-wig," Shaay.. JK, of course! It's "wissy-wig"

try "wussy-wig," Shaay.. JK, of course! It's "wissy-wig" (Just listen to his audio comment on Dave's Tributary card thingy.

Shaay, its pronounced "wizzywig", and stands for "What you see is what you get", a computer term, and a weak joke.....

wysiwyg: the solution for the problem is the Firefox browser. Tabbed Browsing is the single greatest thing to hit computerdom since they put that retractable upholder right next to the floppy disk slot.

yeah, but it has a nasty habit of stealing "c's"

Ah, that thingie. Thank you, Slarti.

btw, here in Oregon, we have the UO Ducks and the OSU Beavers. Sports page headlines frequently read

"Ducks snatch victory from Beavers!"

Really. And in a family newspaper, too.

So! How about those crazy beavers? Taking money that belongs to the people who rightfully took it...Damming a river, which is known cause lakes that contain water and possibly icky seaweed...having sexual connotations/relations/abbreviations/bilingual nations/striations, etc..

*cupholder

Thank you, wysiswg. But what precisely do I get to see?

Favorite headline here to date:

"Beavers come down hard on Huskies"

I'm thinking about starting a collection.

Yeah, Firefox rocks. Especially with the Noia Extreme skin and the Adblock extension. I also have the IE View extension for those rare cases where some site only works in IE.

Here I am, mind if I fiddle with you?

Well I sure know why I came here tonight.
There's a beaver post to make things all right.
Laughin' so hard I may fall off my chair,
and I'm wondering should I shave off these hairs.

Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Here I am to pose a riddle to you?

Yes I'm askin' just one riddle of you,
and I'm wondering what it is I should do.
It's so hard, you see this smile on my face.
Losing control yeah I'm all over the place.

Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Here's a wetnap, sorry to trouble you.

Well I started off this morning
feelin' just about as good as I can
yeah
and my friends they all come blogging,
slap me on the back and say
Please . . .
Please . . .

Trying to make some sense of it all
but I can see that it makes no sense at all.
Is it cool to put whipped cream on the floor?
I don't think that I can wait anymore.

Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Here I am may I please fiddle with you.

Askin' a riddle
Beggin' to fiddle

Cops to the left of me!
Beavers to the right!
Cajuns to the left of me!
Yankees to the right! (Why don't we fiddle)
Dave to the left of me!
Judi's to the right! (Why don't we fiddle)
Bloggers to the left of me!
Bloggers to the right! (uh-uh)
Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Let me dive right in the middle of you

Well you started off this mornin'
feelin' just about as good as you can.
ah-ah yeah
Now your friend has come a calling,
I slap you on the back and say
Please . . .
Please . . .

Well I sure know why I came here tonight.
I've got the feeling everything is all right.
That last beer might make me fall off my chair,
and I'm wondering if you'll meet me down there.

Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Here I am mind if I fiddle with you.
Mind if I fiddle with you (ah-yeah)
Mind if I fiddle with you
Here I am!
Fixin' to fiddle with you
With you, with you, with you ....

Blast! I've got to learn to touch type.

Now I'll have to delete this bit:

*snip*

Whooo! A retractable upright holder! It doesn't have one of those, although it does have this neat sort of retractable coffee-cup holder thing that slides in and out when you press a button on the front. Fits those plastic cups a treat!

I should explain that, as a contractor in a government department, I don't normally get to play with the latest technology. Upgrading my workstation was some sort of bureaucratic stuff-up that will no doubt be corrected in the near future.

*/snip*

Shaay: You don't get to see anything, so don't expect anything. Ha Ha. Move along, move along....

And Shaay, (and anyone else who hasn't signed the card yet) go here.

And while we are talking of wusses - why hasn't anyone else left a voice-mail yet? Hummm? Anxious about the fact you are one of those types that pretends to be someone of the other sex on a blog?

What's to pretend?

(I keep trying to come up w/ a message, but it always gets mushy and shmoozy. I love Dave!) What's the deadline on the card?

yeah, y hoser(ette), what're you scared aboot?!
*trying to draw out the Canadian factions*

I never even thought about pretending to be a girl. *squirt*

By the way, my real name is Franchesca and I live in Wilburton with my betrothed, Yardon. So now will all the other females in the room smother me with affection and reveal all their secrets and how to take care of a rich beaver?

$1 NR BLUE TOOTHED ZUNI BEAVER FETISH DAVE COOEYATE
(Whatever that means)

For your information, wysiwyg, I only pretend to be one of those types that pretends to be someone of the other sex on the blog (in the study, with vodka and the trixi 2000), and then only as a joke, when drunk, on an out of state trip, which hardly counts.

it only "hardly counts' when there aren't photos to prove it.

sorry 'bout that, c-bol ... they paid me good money for the negatives.

Don't buy it, you chunkies! I can guarantee that that guy just died the fish rock a bright blue color! And how could you trust someone who is a professional ZUNI carver, anyway?

MK Jeeves, didja see the NEW LONG HAIRED BEAVER FUR MITTENS GLOVES on e-bay?

"What's that your wearing?"

"Oh, these? These are just my beaver mittens."

Beaver Mittens WBAGNFARB

The deadline is the end of December, Shaay, so there is no extraordinary hurry, but I can't tell from here whether people are not seeing the links to the site (and therefore not responding in droves), or aren't prepared to contribute (and are therefore selfish rat-bastards), or, like yourself, just trying to get the message right.

Which reveals the fact that I see patience as more of a sin rather than a virtue, except when it comes to love-making.

In that Punky, I did on a double-dog dare. That's my story, for now. As for the orgy, I slipped in some polydent and the rest was just a LOT of slippin' around trying to get up, I swear.

Corn, sorry you hate the song, but since it inspired a great band name (Taco Flashbacks) I take it back, so I hope you enjoyed the millisecond of sorry.

Did I say that last bit out loud? Sodding sub-conscious: always fishing for compliments.....

wysigyg, just sitting here, blinking, trying to decide if that was a TMI post or not.

Remember "Beavers slow Ducks race for Nationals"

Ok, clearly terrorists ate several words there. Let's try "In that case Punky, I did it on a double-dog dare".

Although "In that Punky I did on a double-dog dare" is an interesting beginning to a story, the ending of which is me getting the crap beaten from me by Punky's friends, so let's just move along.

shaay's link

Just joking, C-bol! I really hate that song, but liked your parody of it.

Of course, the definitive version is, and will always remain, the one in Young Frankenstein. :-)

crap, typo in the html

shaay's link

Corn - agreed, Young Frankenstein wins, hands down (though one hanging just a little lower than the other, stupid I-gor)

here you go

There's a website that has a great tutorial for that, but I'm not on my normal computer and don't have it. Anyone?

What a great group effort!

But do ya think the joke has lost some of it's punch by now?

*hangs head in shame. A good wheeze, ruined by too eager handling*

Muahaha! I beat you to the punch again, slyeyes!

Slarti ... I was a crazy woman in my 20s.

Now I'm 31.

Which makes me ... well ... a crazy woman in my 30s.

I think the majority of my kinky score came from fantasies about c-bol weaving my beaver, damn!

Slart, look at the post ABOVE yours.

;)

Muahaha! I beat you to the punch again, slyeyes!

I nominate that for Top Ten Things Slyeyes Doesn't Like to Hear In Bed

Nuh-UH! MY link was to what Shaay meant to link to BEFORE (I dunno) Shaay even gave you the right link to link to! Just try and click on my link (You, slyeyes, will be diverted to unimaginable horrors, but all else will realize what foresight I had).

Slarti, you mind reader, you.

Wait! Stop that - not now!

*blush*

play nice kids ... or I'll have to put the html toy away ... along with the orgasmatron, the whip and the beaver dam.

Slart, a mind reader, now? You know what we meant to say? That's --uh -- scary.

C-bol -- Oh, so right!!

Punky, you can put away the html toy, the whip cream and the beaver, but I'm not done with the orgasmathingy yet.

It doesn't say Muahaha! I beat you to the punch again, slyeyes!, does it?

Sure Punky, you're going to put the orgasmatron "away" because bloglits were misbehaving.

Damn. Wish I'd have thought of that.

Oh well, fair's fair. I'll send some Gatorade with your coffee in the moanin.

HTML toy? Please, please, please? I promise I'll be good, Punky.

This post is a little over 2 hours old and there's over 100 posts.

Amazing.

Send over a chocolate croissant while you're at it, c-bol.

Thanks, babe.

*phblblblblbllltt* What punky meant to say:

"The dam[n]?! Whip along the kid[']s nice beaver and put the html toy away, or I'll have to play with the orgasmotron..."

seriously, that's what she said, just...anagrammatically rearranged...

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