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November 17, 2004

AND PEOPLE CALL AMERICANS VIOLENT

If we are reading this headline correctly, Russell Crowe helped a snake bite a boy.

SPEAKING OF VIRGINS

Here's a Cher update that begins with the fascinating statement: "Cher continues to schedule more shows as she closes in on the end of her touring career."

MIRACLE VIRGIN GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH UPDATE

This thing is huge.

November 16, 2004

WHY THIS IS THE GREATEST DARNED NATION ON THE WHOLE DARNED EARTH

We are marketing whizzes.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ADVICE TO GUYS

Stay out of Bahrain

(Thanks again to Ted)

SQUID POPULATION BOOM EXPLAINED

They're feeling good.

(Thanks to many people)

MEANWHILE IN INDIANA

...they're finally tackling the real issues.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, Field Coordinator for Dave Barry for President 2004 2008)

UPDATE: Apparently, this is a hoax (thanks to Chris Kasinger for the link). Fortunately, this blog does not care.

UPDATE UPDATE: You can voice your opinion here.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: There is also a sports angle.

WHEN WE SAY THIS IS A DIVINE GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH

...we mean it is a divine grilled-cheese sandwich.

Key Quote: Duyser, who is not Catholic, swears that she has never manipulated the sandwich in any way. In fact, she claims not to have even used butter or oil when she pan-seared the sandwich back in 1994.

November 15, 2004

WHAT EVERY GUY WANTS

He wants a scramjet.

THE TOPIC THAT WOULDN'T DIE

Dear Dave, I was so happy to see that someone finally took this topic on, and I should have known that, of course, Dave, it would be you! I'm talking about the dirty little secret that's never talked about or brought out into the open--the fact that women have worse public toilet manners than men!

Yes, Dave, even where I work, in a HOSPITAL, the seats of the women's toilets are definitely not for the faint of heart. In fact, I've even written a couple of poems and left them posted in the bathrooms. Perhaps you'll find them worthy of publication.

1. "If you stand or squat instead of sitting,
Your pee the seat 'twill surely be hitting.
Why do you think this doesn't matter?
Please be kind, and clean up your splatter!"

2. "Just because YOU choose not to sit,
Don't assume that's true for another;
If you splatter, don't just split!
Didn't you learn anything from your mother?"

3. "If when you pee, you splash the seat--
To clean it up would be so sweet!
After all, that stuff is strictly yours, 'n'
The next person shouldn't have to sit in urine!"

Thank you so much, Dave, for bringing this splatter matter to the attention of your erstwhile readers. I also agree with your laudable assistant's assessment of a fair punishment.
By the way, if you were to leave your current position, as rumor has it, then who would be left to speak out about these delicate issues?

Cathy DeWitt

A passing thought: What would Freemont say about splatter matters?

WHILE WE'RE RESCUING RATS

Let's not forget the northern hairy-nosed wombat.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

They've reached a new low.

IT'S THAT SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR, WHEN OUR THOUGHTS TURN TO...

rat rescue.

November 12, 2004

MAJOR NEWS STORY WE SOMEHOW MISSED

This is big.

(If you sent this in, and we missed it, we apologize)

IT'S NOT JUST A WEIRD ANIMAL: IT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Presenting: Hawaiian Bobtail Squid

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE BAND BEHIND THE CURTAIN

They are the great and powerful Fraction of the Rock Bottom Remainders.
Tonight at Scotty's Landing from 6-10 PM and tomorrow at the Miami Book Fair from 5-7 PM. Both events are free to those who love badoptionally-talented musicians.

ATTENTION, FANS OF GREAT MUSIC

This post is not for you. This post is for people in the Miami area who might be amused by authors making fools of themselves while holding electrified instruments. A few members of the Rock Bottom Remainders, and some friends, will be playing Saturday at the Miami Book Fair from 5-7 p.m. This is NOT (contrary to today's Miami Herald) a performance of the full, star-studded band. This is a small, non-glamorous but spunky group, including Ridley Pearson, Carl Hiaasen, Kathi Goldmark and my little brother Sam. Also making a rare surprise appearance on harmonica for the legendary "Tupperware Blues" song will be the Washington Post's Gene "Chatalogical Humor" Weingarten. And there might be some other people. But nobody with real talent: That is our Guarantee of Quality.

November 11, 2004

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

...and we know what Mom wants.

(Thanks to JIm Weisz)

WE BLAME DICK CHENEY

This cannot be good.

(Thanks to Paul Berry)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using vitamins.

(Thanks to Fred)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Finally, a beverage specifically for guys.

(Thanks to Tracy Budgell)

THIS IS THE KIND OF LINK JUDI IS SUPPOSED TO POST

...but I'll do it, so people will stop sending it in.

(Thanks to many people)

HEY, VETERANS

Thanks.

November 10, 2004

BUSINESS NAME OF THE DAY SO FAR

Unfortunate Sausage

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NEW YORK

It can be a cold place.

ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED

I wondered why judi applied for a job in Red Bank, Tenn.

(Thanks to many people)

November 09, 2004

MYSTERY SOLVED

This explains everything.

Key Quote That We Are Not Making Up: "...I feel that the craft of songwriting has taken a nose dive."

SPORTS UPDATE

Another blow for rugby.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

LOBSTERS MAKING NEWS

Maybe these people need to know about this and this.

November 08, 2004

HERALD HUNT UPDATE

It was fun.

(Sorry, you have to register.)

ANOTHER VOTE FOR VALUES

An email from "WrestleTheAngel":

Last night, at about 2 in the morning, I turn on my television set and the first thing I see is a man beating some girl with his jacket while listening to Tom Jones. It turns out that this man is a minister, who was performing an exorcism on the young girl, beating her with his peacoat and screaming, "BE GONE, DEVIL!!! BE GONE!!!!!! SHE'S A LAAAAAAAADY, SHE'S A LAAAAADY!!!!"

The show I was watching was VH1's Totally Obsessed, and this man was obsessed with -- surprise surprise! -- Tom Jones. His name is Pastor Jack, he's a minister at the Progressive Universal Life Church (a.k.a. the Church of Tom Jones), and also runs a radio show dedicated to his hero.

I did some research on said church, and I found some interesting websites:

-- Pastor Jack, Spirituality, and the Tom Jones Connection

-- The Pastor Jack Radio Show

How one would work a song like "Sex Bomb" into a sermon is beyond me... but kudos to him for making it work.

SPEAKING OF GREAT MOMENTS INVOLVING PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE TOILETS

It would be hard to top this.

WORLD TOILET SUMMIT UPDATE

Thanks for the heads up on the Toilet Conference. It seems the previous conferences have been a real hoot. If you haven't already seen it, check out the "Toilet Pantomime" from 2001,
I'm glad it was a pantomime. The sounds might have been too disgusting.
-- Kendal Sommers

TOTALLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR

Considering there was beer at stake.

(Thanks to Steve Roberts)

TOURIST DESTINATION: AUSTRALIA

They want to make sure you know where you're going.

(Thanks to Margo Burns)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using red-eared slider turtles.

November 07, 2004

HUNT UPDATE

Thanks to all who came out to the Hunt, which about 19 million people solved before we even gave out the final clue. If you're one of the many people who solved it and still didn't win: We apologize. We never thought it'd happen that fast. You people are MUCH smarter than we are. Hope you had a good time anyway.

I sure had a good time, and met some fascinating people. I think we make a handsome couple:

Picture119_07Nov04.HuntHand.jpg

AND YOU THOUGHT OUR LEGAL SYSTEM WAS COMPLICATED

So if you get bitten by a snake, you get ostracized, unless your brother gets his head shaved, but then he... OK, maybe you should just read this yourself.

TODAY'S THE DAY

See you there.

November 06, 2004

FEELING AGGRESSIVE?

Go for it.

(Thanks to BigMur from the message board) (and Graz from the same place, for fixing it)

THERE'S STILL TIME

To do your part for RFB&D, mateys.

November 05, 2004

PLEASE PLACE YOUR SUPPORT PIG IN THE FULL UPRIGHT AND LOCKED POSITION

Hey --

I'm a flight attendant with Northwest Airlines... You're gonna love this one.

Recently, Northwest reprimanded a flight attendant because she made a passenger put her lap dog back in its carrier during the flight.Until last month, this was the required action when a pet was removed from their carrier. With our October FAA Manual Update "Emotional Support Animals" are no longer required to be in carriers during peoples travels and if they are the size of a lapchild they can be held in the passengers lap through out all phases of flight. This in itself has most flight attendants saying.... what? so now anyone can have their pet in their lap for emotional support through out the flight??? better yet... WHAT contstitutes an "Emotional Support Animal"... and what authorization does someone need to carry this "ESA" with them on flights. Remember we are not talking about Dogs for the Blind or Monkeys for the Paralized. Spefically noted in the Update Pigs and Small Horses are to be allowed on board planes.... YES ... SMALL HORSES? As my co-workers and I read this we asked ourselves, Who is going to clean up after the Quadriplegics pig and pony as we travel from Detroit to Tokyo??? and better yet where are we going to put the cleaned up items.We are Union Workers you know, and I know there is nothing in that last contract that requiring us to clean up after dogs, cats, pigs, monkeys or horses. Our contract negotiations are scheduled to begin in the next few months while pay cuts seem to be on the top of the list for Management requests, I'm thinking first you put me in the middle of the passengers and the Terrorists, but now you tell me I have to live with barn animals on my flight too??? God, I need to rethink what I do for a living.I've enjoyed reading your column through the years.... thought you might enjoy that.

NWA Flight Attendant

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO SUNDAY IN THE MIAMI AREA, AND WANT TO REMAIN SANE

You should avoid this.

November 04, 2004

WHEN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT A TASTEFUL GIFT

...you are talking about a squirrel-head refrigerator magnet.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD

How the election really was won.

NEWS FROM ABROAD

Over in England, they just had the celebrity trial of the century.

November 03, 2004

THAT'S FUNNY

Some of us use the same line, and never get a nibble.

(Thanks to Charlie Bennett)

ATTENTION, FRIENDS OF JUDI

She's feeling blue today. Please use the comments section to cheer her up. Thanks.

HELLO, WINDOWS TECH SUPPORT?

I seem to have a problem.

(Thanks to Karin Dixon)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using bloodsucking monkeys, which probably already is the name of a rock band.

(Thanks to many people)

 
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