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November 23, 2004

CAN YOU HEAR ME BANG

Now the bastards are using cell phones.

(Thanks to many people)

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Am I first?

You are, Lynn. I think I hear your cell phone ringing...

Hello? Hello? OW!

In a split second last August, fragments from Michael's exploding cell phone had hit him between the eyes...

What's he got, a third ear in his forehead? Hard to tell under all that hair.

No, wysiwyg, it was a crapcam phone, probably.

Now if only there was a way to engineer it so that the cell phones only blow up if used in movie theatres, restaurants, museums...

Is THIS what they mean by "assault and battery?!"

Let's face it, soon enough a bomb will just be another of the 50 or so features a cell phone has. The crapcam was already an idiotic feature, but they're runnin' out of ideas.

*ring*

"Oh, that's mine. Hang on a sec."
*SNAP*
"Oh, sweet mother of bifurcated appendages that hurts."
"Why the hell does your cell phone have a rat trap?"
"I don't really know. Just look for my thumb, ok?"

What about the 21 year old whose doll caught on fire? Why does a 21 year old have a doll? Dolls are evil, with their glassy blank stare and little knowing smiles. I bet it was the bride of Chucky. Yeah, blame it on the cell phone, right.

As my daughter left this morning for the parttime job she has when she's home from school, she checked her cellphone and said the battery hasn't been holding the charge lately. She mentioned that she was thinking of buying a battery from a guy at school who can get them cheap. I told her about the exploding batteries.

She rolled her eyes and said, "Mom, that's an old wives tale."

Exploding cell phones are an old wives tale?!?! Since when?

Is it wrong to wish this to happen to some of the *&#$^ing inconsiderate JERKS that inhabit the commuter train I ride on every morning?!?

This blows. Now I have to wear asbestos gloves with my tinfoil hat.

Watch out for them old-wives, Sly! They're like the three witches in Macbeth, they can see the future!

First Witch

When shall ye call me again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch

When I've charged this curséd thing
Then expect your phone to ring

Third Witch

Charge it not! Or death you'll bring!

First Witch

Then who'll call?

Second Witch

Hey! This thing has a camera!

Third Witch

Look ye for the smoldering smoke of an
exploded cell phone.

First Witch

I'd rather someone just call.

Second Witch

Say cheeeeeeeeese!

Third Witch

Fine, but don't come cryin' to me when your
face melts off.

ALL

Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
Let cellphone's explode everywhere!

Exeunt

rita, tell the truth, you're wheeling and spinning in that chair of yours.

C-bol...excellent.

*with all the pots boiling on the stove at the moment and the severe case of bedhead....doesn't want to think about the comparison to Macbeth's hags*

Is this a cellphone which I see before me,
Antenna toward my hand? Come, let me use thee.
I used thee not, and yet they bill me still.
Art thou not, blasted cellphone, sensible
To doing what is right? or art thou but
A device so unkind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the greed-oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable
As this which now I dial.
Thou tempt'st me to call in places roaming;
And for photos it's my cellphone I should use?
Mine eyes are made the fools o' the other senses,
This crapcam's not the best; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and display gouts of blood,
Which was not so before. How came such thing:
It is the battery charging which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the one halfworld
My signal seems dead, and wicked static emits
When e'er it beep; witchcraft celebrates
Cingular's offerings, and silly tones
replace my faithful bell, the song,
Which howls quite loud, thus annoying my fellow commuters
With Manilow's ravishing tones, I hear my call
Now like a ghost. It sounds not to mine ear,
Hear not my song, how shall I talk, I fear
My very verse prattles on and on about,
Nothing yet my nothing takes such time,
Which now I canst tell. Whilst I entreat what gives:
Words I canst say until my cellphone lives

*A song begins*

I speak, and it is done; the song invites me.
Hear it not, commuters; for it is a knell
That summons thee to suffer in my hell.

Anyone find it amusing that one of the groups involved in the study of this issue is called IEEE? I mean, how does one refer to them? Is an exclamation point necessary? Is it meant to be the sound people make when their phones explode?

Hello? Hello? **BOOM!** IEEE!!

The commission has announced three battery recalls since January, one from Verizon Wireless and two from Kyocera Wireless Corp.

Great. I use a Kyocera phone from Verizon. Should I be worr*BOOM!*IEEE!

Will NO one comment on Dave's title? "Can you hear me bang?" -- sounds like an apartment with too-thin walls.

Hello all. I've been blurking for some time now, but I just had to tell C-bol (can I call you C-bol?) that that cellphone/Macbeth monologue was awesome!! Okay, back to the shadows I go.

The sub-conscious has for quite some time been pondering what C-Bol does for a real job. The central problem is to consider whether his creative outpourings here are a spin-off of his real job, or as a result of his real job frustrating these urges, and him then finding release for them here.

I haven't come to any conclusions as yet, but I am starting to lean more towards the latter position given he has now revealed his frustrated thespian side.

BTW, the Department is very cranky with me for splattering their shiny new flat-screen monitor with coffee as I read: I used thee not, and yet they bill me still. The perfect personification of the evil these devices represent.

And speaking of Macbeth, the only version I have seen of the play that brings the story adequately to life was the movie by Roman Polanski. Gritty to be sure, but realistic.

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