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October 19, 2004

WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND

It's worse than we feared.

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Well I just cancelled my trip to the Qadamgah district in Neishabour.

I am first. My life is full.

I don't know what's worse, two-headed snakes, or people who back-form perfectly good words like species because they actually think "specie" seems more correct. Gah.

". . . the snake was discovered by residents of Qadamgah district in Neishabour who found it different from the usual two-headed snakes . . ."

Yawn; another day, another jihad, another two-headed snake; Allah, this place is s-o-o-o boring.

If I had found a two-headed snake first, I would have made it a NO headed snake reeeallly fast.

Carn sarnit! I was planning to visit the Qadamgah district in Neishabour right after my trip to the winky-removal district in Thailand.

Two-headed snake? Sort of like the Congress?

Rita,

Most?

Fabulous journalism.

Except for the part where the writer neglects to tell you what kind of snake it is...

I think they just made up the story to sell the "snake t-shirts," "snake boots" and "snake snares" in the ads on the left side of the page.

My suggestion is to send the two-headed, venomus, no-kind, snake to thailand's winky-removal district and make it cheat. And be nice to me, I'm a virgin poster. Which might BAGNFARB.

Biggest problem with a two-headed snake, what if one wants to be paid a retainer while the other will work on a contingency basis?

rita: Here's a great guy for you (don't know if you're looking or not . . . )

(BTW, doubt if those guys have half a brain much less two between them)

Quote from Zaphod's article:And that's assuming that both heads are hungry at the same time, and both are interested in pursuing the same prey.How can two heads that share the same stomach be hungry at different times?

reneviht - It's too early for philosophical questions like that. If a two-headed snake's stomach growls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?

maybe we could get the bengal tiger that's on the loose to check out the 2-headed snake.....

Zaphod:
And what are we to do when we encounter a two-headed, three-armed man?

Rita ducks for reasons unknown

they say they have two-headed snakes
and though I've never seen them

they're NOT like me, I have two heads
with narry a brain between 'em

cuzn ed - Well, I suggest inviting him to dinner at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Your treat, of course.

Head one: You're still here?! Quit following me!

Head two: Listen sparky ... you're the one following me

Head one: Am not. Everytime I look to my right, you're there ... breathing down my spine.

Head two: Well everytime I go to rub chins with a lady snake you're right there on my left trying to get in on the action.

Head one: Fine. Tell you what, you go that way (points tongue to right) and I'll go the other way. And you can rub chins with as many snakettes as you like, k?

Head two: Fine. Good riddance.

Head one: Yeah, whatever.

*Sound of snake stretching apart ... followed immediately by the sound of two heads smacking together ... hard*

Moral of the story ... Even with two heads, males are still not that bright.

*cheesy smile*

As Darwin said "Things evolluted"
But two-head snakes are convoluted
When did species become specie?
That sounds like a load of fecie
The dihydrogen oxide must be polluted

I think it would die because it wouldn'y have enough energy to support two heads, because it only has ne stomach. But it can eat twice as fast.

Just logged on I am sorry to inform Chris that 2nd is not first. Keep trying little trooper.

MOTW - I want an answer to that one too. The follow-on would be if SHE passed gas in the forest, would anyone hear?

Punky - if you weren't so adorable, that cheesy smile wouldn't get you anywhere. Besides, the gender of the snake was NOT noted in the article.
So.....

Head one: What is it that you want? Why don't you go find your own clearance sale!

Head two: What's the matter, dear. Max out your credit card getting botox treatments?

Head one: I don't need botox. But everytime I look to my right, you're there. Watching me. I bet you tell all the other girls at the Salon everything I do.

Head two: No chance of that. What you do is of no interest to anyone but you honey!

Head one: Fine. Tell you what, you go that way (points tongue to right) and I'll go the other way. Then you can slither back to the gutter you came from.

Head two: Fine. Good riddance.

Head one: Yeah, whatever.

*Sound of snake stretching apart ... followed immediately by the sound of two heads smacking together ... hard*, again and again and again and again

Moral of the story ... Even with two heads, blonds are still not that bright.

============
Slowlayne - Good one, as usual.

There once was a snake named Dan,
he had 2 heads and no plan,
while arguing which way to scoot,
he (they?) were caught and made into boots,
and nobody gave a damn.

Brat ... I concur ... said snake could have been a blonde male. :)

Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do any thing better than you
No you can't, Yes I can, No you can't, Yes I can
No you can't, Yes I can, yes I can

Anyone you can lick, I can lick faster
I can lick anyone faster than you
With your fist? With my feet, With your feet?! You're a snake!
No you can't, Yes I can, yes I can

punky - Arrrrgh..... And I ain't even blonde. How could I have left you that opening.

Point to punky.

Note to self: get a new score pad for Punky. This one is full. This time get a 500 page one so it will last a little longer.

I'm the guy with the severed penis. I have a new one. John Carry's.

Cute Ethel, but scoring is done on the limerick convention, not parodies. Sorry!

Who's (not whose) John Carry?

Shredder: welcome and you're (not your) right -- Virgin Poster wbagnfarb. As would Two-Headed Snakes (if it isn't already).

Punky: We missed you in Vegas... a lot.

You came up roses with me, Ethel. But can you turn the volume down a little? Thanks.

PeeJay - life is a parody, why shouldn't this blog reflect it?

Wait, this blog?! Reflecting real life?!

WOOOHOOOHOOOOHAHAHAHA.... *continues for half-hour at this notion*

*shakes head....so foolish, sometimes, really......*

Jeff ... so sorry I couldn't make it ... I gave Mad a head's up that I might not be able to get there ... Sorry I missed it ... but more importantly, sorry I missed you guys. :(

I believe he meant "Jon Karry". That should
clear things up.
NEW TOPIC PLEASE!

BRAT!!! Good to "read" you!

Since when is the limerick the only one scored?
This blog contains haiku, parody and more!
Christobol’s scenes are hilariously creative
To keep to just limericks would be vegetative!
slowlayne’s a jewel not to be knocked
mudstuffin’s muses pack a punch that just rocks!
Just back off, young PeeJay, have a Moatarita and chill
There’s room for all bloglits and all kinds of skills.

Geez, I gues I got put in my place. Just trying to start a little blogetion. Take a Vicadin or 9 and chill. Are you limerically challenged? I know I am.

Sincerely: your humble underling>

Um, er, that's supposed to be "blogetition." Stupid prothesis.

"Right, so how much will you give me for this here two headed snake?"

"What kind is it?"

"Two headed."

"Oh. How about $2, a buck a head."

"That's crazy, it's rare."

"I've dozens."

"Not like this. It's venomous, from both heads, and each one has an independently functioning brain."

"Really?"

"Really."

"How can you tell?"

"Check this out."

*plays Cher cd - one head recoils while the other grooves*
*plays Barry Manilow - grooving head starts rocking, other head immediately attacks and consumes it*

"Wow, that was wicked cool, but now it's just a one headed snake with a stump, so now I'll give you $1.50, a buck for the head and fifty cents for the show."

"That sucks."

"Life can be tough, little bucko. But that one head couldn't really be called functional, now could it?"

"Guess not. Thanks for the $1.50"

"No problem. By the way, they're towing your camel."

"Wow, th

Can anyone tell me where the line "According to my careful prosthesis, this man has the plague." came from?

There’s Bangi and Polly, and don’t forget punky
Those three sly-tongued bloglits with attitudes spunky
djtonyb, slyeyes, Jeff, and other Dave
This blog is full of many who know how to behave &ltgrin>
We have our opinions and express them right here
When you post, you’re a Bloglit. Be of good cheer.

mudstuffin, that sounds like Groucho Marx.

MOTW -- I am honored to be included!

And as far as the gender of the snake....I thought it was a foregone conclusion that anything with 2 heads was male.

*ducks*

..and by the way, Punky, the visual of the snake going in differnt directions only to be snapped back is hysterical. I've been trying to find a link to a BC cartoon with the Big Fat Broad (is that her name) whapping the heck out of a snake, but I've had no luck.

Booger

I'd like to answer that question by asking you this? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I believe her name is "fat chick"

Snakes operate a good deal by smell, and if one head catches the scent of prey on the other's head, it will attack and try to swallow the second head... and that's when Christobol loses a sale... pity about that

Mudstuffin.. Google's got nothing, but it sounds vaguely Monty Python or Goon Show-ish

Mudstuffin: It also could be Dr. Hawkeye Pierce doing his Groucho imitation?

slyeyes:
I believe the gals in B.C. are "Fat Broad" and "Cute Chick." Seems like I heard they don't refer to her as Fat Broad anymore because of too many complaints from overly-sensitive (i.e., no sense of humor) readers.

MOTW - 3 snaps and all that girl!!

Ethel's song was great and so is your limerlick!(engrish?)

Thanks for trying. That was pretty arcane. The line came from "Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him" by the Firesign Theater. They made albums (LPs, that is) of Python-esque comedy in the sixties.

OK, this seems like a pretty threadbare discussion.
Er, uh, I mean, how's everybody doing? Haven't "seen" y'all in quite some time...

mudstuffin ... Firesign Theater did come up when I goggled that line ... I just figured it was too obscure ... guess not.

And hello Mr. "Threadbare" MacMillian.

Ladies, hurry and bid on this great costume in case there's a Dave Barry blog Halloween party!

(please wear it, pleeese?)

MKJ

there IS help available.

And MKJ, I here she's not that expensive!

hear (NOT HERE)

Ph.d, LCP, LMSW, etc.: get that stinkin' help away from me! PFFFFLLLLLT!

Key quote:

"Mommy, do I have to stand next to the creepy metallic snow bunny with the huge red vulva?"

Take a look at the shrinkage factor. Was it cold, windy, some plausible excuse the the lack of modesty. Cripes the one guy looked like he'd been to Bangok recently.

"for the lack of..."

djtonyb comes thru to educate us again!
I'll show you my hyperlink if you show me yours.

Hi robert good to see you looking so thread bare

A Snake in the Grasssssssss,
is worth two (2) in the Bush!

Punky, even guys wouldn't attempt to separate their two heads (as your snake anecdote suggests). [Punky suggestive? nawwww] Surely you've noticed an amazing cooperation between males' duel heads?

And did anyone else find it amusing that bratRobert McMillan has graced us? And who is Johncarry, and why is he using Dave Barry's e-mail? Inquiring minds want to know if we are having a visitation (or if someone is committing sacrilege).

[hands DJT his provisional "html merit badge." Begins writing on chalk board 'I will preview before posting html. I will preview before posting html.]

Take two:

And did anyone else find it amusing that brat was defending multiple head-dom?

Could it be that Robert McMillan has graced us? And who is Johncarry, and why is he using Dave Barry's e-mail? Inquiring minds want to know if we are having a visitation (or if someone is committing sacrilege).

I would prefer you called me Threadbare Man as I am known in the Hall of Doom (just to the left of Brainiac, of course). ;)

Yes, it is I, taking a quick breather from editing and reporting to make sure you all are well. I wish I had something funny to say, but I'll leave that to DB...

Robert, If you can make sure we are all well you've truly accomplished a great feat!
How could you possibly do that anyway?! Mass hypnosis?

How about I just make sure you're all well done, if nothing else? mmmmm....... wellllll donnnnnne.

By George, I think he's got it!

My dad calls me his rare jewel.

Robert and Brat, good to hear from you both!
Brat, where have you been, young man?! We've been sitting up late in this blog worrying, so you just better tell us, and make it good.

BTW, Robert, most of us are not well at all...but we are frequently delusionally happy!
*whispers*
Some of the ladies have been bad, though. Very bad. Dare not to enter the castle lest they demand you spank them...

OK, good work jamester, I'm glad to see that we're getting down to business here - nothing like a purging, liberating, forceful, severe... oh wait, I'm on deadline.

When I'm good, I'm good.
When I'm bad, I'm even better.

jamster - my lips (single set, no multiples) are sealed. But thanks for asking. :^

Jamester ... I know you're not including me in that group of bad women ...

*locates paddle just in case*

Robert ... Como era seua viagem ao Açores?

Punky - a viagem era muito boa, mas ja esqueci-me todo meu portugues...

Don't you love it when I talk dirty in the language of Vasco da Gama? ;)

Were you talking about Viagra? That's not really dirty...

Nossa! Quantos e' que falam a lingua de Vasco da Gama? I guess that's at least 3.

Robert ... Converse sujo a mim, namorado

Doesn't quite come out the same in Portuguese, does it?

Bangi ... growing up is overrated. Don't do it.

But we all knew that Fed, didn't we?

Robert e Punky, sentado numa arvore, b-e-i-j-a-n-d-o.

Help needed to drain bottles for lava lamp project

Brainy ... São português?

Wow. After I posted that link, I found out that the link that it links to is down. So I googled a few different things, and every real article that I could find involving the CIA and blogs is down.
Spooky. Maybe I'm not googling properly.

They're onto you Fed ....

Não. Não somos. Just...quirky.

Punky et Robert, Voce aceda bebida gumaqueza?

When you're done laughing at my accent/spelling....that was SUPPOSED to ask you if you guys would like something to drink....The only Portuguese I know from when we had a Brazilian exchange student. Of course, if anyone answers, I wouldn't understand anything other than "agua"

sly ... I knew what you were sayin' ... got a margarita handy?

Wow - I go away for two weeks and all of a sudden both brat AND Robert Mac are back...

Coincidence???

I think not....

Seriously - after a week in Hawaii - I think not - too many Mai Tais....

slyeyes - Don't tell me you forgot cerveja...

Bangi ... your translation was impeccable

Bangi: what Punky said.

Welcome Higgy!

CONGRATULATIONS!

How was your honeymoon? Did you get arrested like a good boy?

Eo no falho Portugues (or something like that).

¿Hablas Español?
Parlez-vous Français?
Speaka de English?

There's men in black suits driving up outside my office.

*holds onto Punky for dear life*

They're after the secret formula!

*in his fear, can't help but notice the buxom curve of..*

*slap!*

Ow! I'm just sayin'...

*black suits bust in*

Oh, it's just Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones again. I wish they'd cut it out with the pranks.

Olhar! Disse "cobra dois-encabeçado" em português!

Fed ... my buxom curve has eased many a man's fear

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