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October 08, 2004


Hi Dave,

In a recent article on shopping and yaks you wrote, "For a guy, reading the manual is tantamount to admitting that, manhoodwise, you are in the hamster category."

I used to do research with hamsters years ago. A male hamster that weighs about 100 grams has testes that together weigh about 2 grams when he's in his reproductive state. For a 200 pound guy that would be like hauling around 4 1-pound packages of hamburger between your legs.

Then, conveniently, when winter comes on and it gets cold and the daylight gets very short, reproduction is not an option and the hamster's testes shrink down to merely human proportions.

Food for thought.
Doug Fitts


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TMI. But I bet that's why they were dancing all over the internet a few years ago.

Oh, I forgot to say: phurst!

41 Pound Package wbagnfarb

I think he meant four packages weighing 1 pound apeice (a ratio of 1:50). But I do agree it wbagnfarb

Wouldn't 2 two-pound packages be more "realistic," or do I need to see a doctor asap?

Sorry that should be "apiece"

Oops, my mistake on the package size. However, a four pound package is still extremely impressive.

I'm depressed. Here I have all this knowledge of hamster genetils, having gone to graduate school for hamster nuts in Mongolia, then taken an apprenticeship at Hamsterballs, Inc, and some other guy emails Dave the facts.

What's the point anymore? I'm going to drink beer.

You gotta give him credit, that hamster's got a lotta b@!!$

Just one more example of why grammar, punctuation, and spelling are important :-)

Christobal - I thought beer WAS the point.

Maybe in his article Dave meant the "female hamster" category.

That letter is sooo true, my little sisters hamster has cojones bigger than its head.

We once had a hamster we named "Hugh Jorgan" for obvious reason.

Hmmm... "Doug Fitts", eh? So... what EXACTLY does Doug Fitt? I really really hope it has nothing to do with this story!

Can you have beefster, porkster, or fishster?

Why does Doug think it's convenient that, in the winter, when it's cold and there's not a lot of daylight, reproductive activities cease? What are the poor female hamsters supposed to do to get through a long, cold, dark winter?

>>What are the poor female hamsters supposed to do...

Female hamsters get little tiny headaches during winter and decide they're too tired for anything else. This is what causes the male hamster manhood to diminish and then decide they may as well hibernate.

Jane Hamster: *dressing to go out*

Dick Hamster: *from couch where he is ensconced with beer and pellets* Are you going out again? But the game's about to start. Nothing like a nice four-hour sporting event to while away the endless winter hours.

Jane Hamster: Actually, I'm meeting Jimmy. We're going to... um... power walk.

Dick Hamster: In this weather?? Those darn guinea pigs. No sense.

Actually, Hamster Balls wbagnfarb.

Joshkr, I notice that Dick's site refers to "Normally cheating spouses." Do you suppose that's a Freudian slip? Or is Maria their copy editor?

C-bol- don't let Dave's info get to you or it'll drive you nuts!

rheal - I have learned something today! What will they think of next! I'm wondering, let's say a woman has a favorite song and she uses Audi-oh everyday with that song. When she goes out and she hears that song, does she have a Pavlovian(sp?) response?

Does that mean hamsters living in the Arctic circle have perpetually shrunken testes?

Poor arctic hamsters.

Yeah, cuz it would be so much nicer to have big, two pound a piece, frozen nuts, eh?

I would think that would make you walk really funny.

The question that begs to be asked is:
How did they weigh the hamsters testes?

On his body or off?

Lab Guy: Come here, Spliffy, we need to weigh your package.

Spliffy: Squeek.

Lab Guy: No,no.....you can't just throw them up on the scale....*grabs small scalpel*

Spliffy: SQUEEK!

Polly: I wonder if the *hamster factor* applies to lemmings, as well. That would make anyboy [anyrodent] suicidal.

Actually, Shrinking Testes wbagnfarb

In my opinion, Shrinking Testes wbagnf something that never happens to me.

regarding the Audi-oh: suddenly, I just can't get the 1812 Overture out of my head...

The Big-Balled Hamster's only natural predator is the Big Snake.

I just finished watching the debate and the single most important thing that stands out to me is the fact that GW called the enemies of the U.S. "haters". Ha ha!

GW:Yah don't gots to be haters, North Korea. Iran, you best step DOWN from that nuclear (not nucular) program. Aahight?



I need your assistance. You know how some neener made a new goat moat today?

Well, um...what's the addy to that?

Yeah, you can spank me for my insolence later.

you can email it to me if you want.


I just really need to speak on it about the debate, and I can't find the darned moat.


Did anyone else feel a bit queasy when Doug closed his email on hamster balls with the line, "Food for though"?

Or was that just me?

Ne'er mind. I found it through exhaustive process of elimination. Darndest thing, I'm at some random computer lab, which, unfortunately, did not have the GOAT in Favorites like I have at work. Sticky situation, as you might imagine.


We are the TIME HATERS.
We have come back in time to call you a cracker.
-Dave Chappelle

qetzal, no it wasn't just you. I came here immediately
to see if anyone else was creeped that hamster balls reminded him of food...but then he also compared them to hamburger, so...

I think we know what he did after weigh in.

What is "Astral" sex? Does it improve your spelling?

Isn't that a form of sexual lubrication?

Either that or it's the dog from The Jetsons.

so the hamster's balls are probably larger than it's progeny at birth? hunh?

Graz: good one.

Alas poor Spliffy. I knew him, Horatio.

(Or for Maria, maybe that should be Herrasheeo.)

Audi-Oh is compatible with attachments from the Pulsatron, Isurge, Bullet Blaster and other vibes that feature accessories with removable jacks. You can also use the Itty Bitty sleeves over our bullet.

just sayin'

Oh, my hamster Duckie has big balls too! I thought Duckie was a girl because it looked like she was carrying a couple of eggs.

There once was a well hung hamster
Who pondered a life changing answer
His wheels turned ‘round
His balls were four pounds
Now he works as an exotic dancer

yes, yes! the dancing hampsters! i think it was... www.dancinghampsters.com and they were all 'why the p in hampsters? we dunno' and i was all 'what?' hahahahaha!

The author wrote "Food for thought". Is he suggesting that we eat the entire hamsters, or just their testes?

Anyone hear from Richard Gere on this matter? I would think that he's (Gere) opposed to eating (but not using) these fine fellows.

Too many dancing hamsters...just go here.

I always tell them it's a cookie...or a nebu-lie.

Hey Dave,

My new, most recent girlfriend informed me last night she never wanted to see me again. So, I poked her in the eyes.

Ithink you barry fans will get a kick ot of this.....

Its a "documentary" about college kids who are addicted to using google @ www.collegeiseasy.net

There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about with hampsters.
(With apologies to Kenneth Grahame)

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