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October 05, 2004


My computer has downloaded and spontaneously started installing something called "Windows XP Service Pack 2," and I am very, very nervous.

UPDATE This is truly terrifying.


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Are there disco lights and severed chicken necks included in this service pack?

If so ... RUN!

SP2 takes a while. Have some coffee. Do some disco. But do NOT go to a chicken yard.

Don't do it. You don't need it. Just stop using IE!

be afraid. be very afraid. stop your download.

It's those damn terrorists trying to read your files.

Go towards the lights, not away... oh and have some chocolate. Lots of it

Rightfully so. I'd tell you to stop that download except I think I'm too late.

Hey, I work for Micro$oft Support, and I can tell you with all confidance that you're not afraid enough. Were your fear up to the required levels you'd be in a fetal position, weeping, and jibbering, and crying for your mamma--or at least someone with breasts.

Worry not though, if things crap out, I can get you in touch with a nice young man in India who will infuriate you to the point of forgetting your computer woes.

Forbidden write "Don't do it. You don't need it. Just stop using IE!"

Just remember, common sense is what tells us that the world is flat.

Well Dave, it's been nice reading your posts on this blog. Once "you" finish downloading and installing SP2, you'll probably never be able to connect to the internet again.

We will miss you Dave.

Don't believe the hype. SP2 is not nearly as problematic as people would like you to believe. When I say people, I mean, of course, the die-hard-I-hate-Microsoft-Linux-rules community. I installed SP2 for XP on both of my computers and only had to reload the entire operating system twice.

No seriously, I haven't had any problems related to SP2. I don't believe you will, either (now that I have said that, you will promptly start having problems).

However, I would recommend moving from IE anyway. It's not nearly as cool as Mozilla's Firefox browser.

Oh, and one other thing Dave....

After you finish downloading the service pack, reboot, install the service pack, reboot, finalize the update, reboot, modify the firewall so you can actually use your computer again, reboot, realize that your anti-virus software is no longer functioning, download the compatible anti-virus package, reboot, install the compatible anti-virus software, reboot, go through the finalization of your anit-virus install, reboot, update the virus signatures reboot, fight through all of the error messages you get running any other internet-enabled software package, and last but not least, reboot, then, and only then, can you sit down and write this Sundays article on the joys of Windows XP Service Pack 2......

It's at this point I usually say feck it and buy a new computer.

and of course, I got a "forbidden 403" when I tried to post this.

Second try...


Third try

SteveB is right.

SteveB is an optimist!

No fucking shit.

Dave, my guess is:

the disco aliens (which wbagnfarb) didn't like us making fun of their Romanian invasion (their first CD?) and are taking it out on you, as our ackowledged fearless leader. Be afraid, be very afraid.

testing 1-2-3

this is only a test

Actually, I have been running SP2 for several weeks now without any install or compatibility problems, including my existing firewall and antivirus software, our home wireless network, or any of the programs that I consistently use. If you regularly so basic maintenance on your system (defragging drives, registry checking, making sure drivers & software are up to date, SP2 rarely causes problems. Those problems that do emerge are being worked on.

And no, I'm not a technogeek - just an informed computer user.

I can't do that Dave.

Suppose SP2 has been loaded on the blog server and THAT'S why were being Forbidden 403 1/2?

Here's the random ramparts auction of the day

Do you keep a windoz machine around for comic relief? Get a Mac!

Hey Dave,

Its not all bad, increases security and all, BUT BEWARE! After it finishes installing many of your old favorite applications may have troubles getting through the system's new "Fire Wall of Fun". To ensure all processes are being initiated by you the rightful person and not some evil hacker, you'll need to okay the program's use with Windows the first time you run it. This is easy enough with most things but there are some programs that get very confused by this.

I downloaded SP2. I am computer illiterate, so the best that I can describe my system now is "haunted."

Wow, I've never been called an optimist before!

Thanks Pogo.

Favorite quote: "It's true, I'm a pessimist. The problem is that I'm right more than 75% of the time, so just deal with it!" - SteveB, circa 1974

Ima Nasshat sounds angry ...

*puts on soothing rainforest sounds CD and lights patchouli incense to mellow the mood*

Ahhh, don't you just love the smell of dirt.

There now isn't that better, Ima?

*dodges flying asshat*

Fine, nevermind. Be an asshat.

Microsoft XP SP-2 Update Bulletin

Dear Users,

It has come to our attention (we know everything) that a very few users have experienced minor difficulties relating to the implementation of Service Pack 2 (or their failure to do so appropriately, as the case may be). Since customer satisfaction is job 163.26 v3.4 r9 here at Microsoft, we are providing the following tips to ease your transition. As always, if you have ANY questions or comments, please dial your local bank's time and temperature number and list your issues alphabetically.

Service Pack 2 FAQ's

Q: Do I even need to download SP2? My bloggers say forget about it.
A: Of course you need it! Do you think we just come out with Service Packs for fun? Are you going to trust a bunch of bloggers over a multi-trillion dollar empire that can make you disappear without a trace? What is it with you? Do you think we write bad code on purpose so that you will always have to follow the upgrade path and pay us forever? Do you think we use Service Packs to deliver code that will disable our competitor's add-ins? That's silly. ha ha!
Q: I notice that the agreement calls for me sending in my thumbs. Do I have to do that all at once?
A: Microsoft is not a lending institution. We of course expect timely payment. However, since we're all about customer service, we will accept your thumbs one inch at a time over a six month period, provided you include a pinky-toe as interest.
Q: I installed SP2 and now my computer won't connect to anything, powers off for no apparent reason, and sent a lightning bolt thru my house ruining all other electrical equipment. Also, I'm impotent. Is this normal?
A: Closing security holes is always a 'give-and-take' formula. If you want safe computing, you can't exactly go around connecting to networks or *gasp* the internet, now can you? Do you really think your refrigerator doesn't have it in for your pc? Come on. As for your impotence, do you expect us to believe you would spend all this time hovered over your keyboard if you had a functional penis? Please. However, if you choose to ignore security and connect to the internet or networks and download email, follow these simple steps which Microsoft does NOT support or suggest in ANY way and by which you VOID all warranty, implied or otherwise, for every product ever made or purchased by any human anywhere:

1) Start your PC in "SAFE" mode by powering off, then on, and holding the F8, S, Q, Esc, Alt, Instert, Page UP, Mute, and Any keys while pouring bourbon on a puppy and humming "I'm a Little TeaPot".

2) Go to Start --> Run --> and enter RegEdit-Secret-Softly-Softly-Catch-A-Monkey.exe

3) Go to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Run\Give Microsoft All My Money\Connect And Whatnot

Make sure that the Give Microsoft All My Money is present in the \Run and \RunOnce and \RunAgain and \RunRunRunBabyRun keys. Oh, and check the Connect and Whatnot box too, or whatever.

Hope this helps.

Love and Kisses

Lucifer Mephistopholes
North American Overlord
Microsoft Corp

Thanks Mahatma - that was very enjoyable and will probably keep me from working efficiently all afternoon...

403 going once...

Uh, I installed SP2 and like magic all my JPEG viewing ability went, I dunno, somewhere else. At the same time my Photobucket account got the frizzles so it was all very interesting. Patches exist for SP2 so once you get it in, on, up, go fishing for the patches. The fun ain't done until the patches are also installed.

Doh! Margin stretch!

That list on the MS website is truly frightening-moreso than many "scary" movies and several months as a training nurses' aide.

In other news, I own the crappiest computer and the crappiest connection to the internet ever. Why'm I not getting the 403?

Bill Gates, that computing pharaoh
Casts a dark and nefarious shadow
For his plot to hatch
You download a patch
But still can't fix that damn broken window

"Don't do it. You don't need it. Just stop using IE!" - Forbidden Leetie

That's a negative, Leetie One. Whether or not you have IE, you must have a good firewall and other safegaurds against "backdoor" attacks, which do NOT in any way involve what browser you are using. SP2 provides a basic sort of firewall.

I have been successfully attacked by trojans that install themselves through "ports" that at no time involve your browser, email, or other apparent contact that you'd know about unless you have a proper firewall installed. If you are connected directly to the net, even for a split second, your machine can be hijacked unless you have firewalls and other security measures in place. This is the voice of experience. I have spent the last few days telling my firewall to ignore any communication from China because of persistent attacks on my machine from there (perhaps ultimately from N. Korea) that never involve email, browsers, or other obvious forms of contact. I suspect the Cybersecurity dude resigned because the administration won't make a big enough squawk about what China/N.Korea is trying to do to the US internet.

ej's link.

Christobol, you have successfully invaded Bill Gates's mind! I don't know if congratulations are really in order, but if so, you da man.

Attention Microsoft XP Users:

Due to an oversight, the fixes to the following errors included with Service Pack 2 were inadvertently omitted from our website:

223443 Romanian edition disrupts user brainwave patterns in response to colored lights and barnyard sounds

434499 Caching algorithm causes erroneous appearance of weapons of mass destruction on radar screens located in pentagonally shaped facilities

675844 Incomplete deletion of chads from printed ballot template

666666 Data caches for meteorological applications generate continuous repetition of hurricane forecasts for southeastern United States

403403 Blog applications fail to acknowledge post command

976564 Irregular withdrawals from user bank accounts deposited to Redmond WA bank

763331 Erroneous test data readings generated for certain classes of arthritis drugs

110032 Asteroids shifted into path of Earth orbit when backspacing

575753 Refresh button fails to produce desired refreshments

424242 Coordinates scrambled for infinite improbability drive

354322 Martha Stewart is released when escape button is pressed

761616 All pending online auction bidding is simultaneously increased in favor of a specific user known only as MKJ

809887 Rejection of internet postings with character string CAR

Microsoft regrets the omission of the fixes to the above errors from the Service Pack 2 webpage. Installation of Service Pack 2 will, however, correct the conditions listed on the webpage as well as those above and @#$%222^booger$&(++.commencelaunchsequence#^%)=

If you think the list of *fixed* bugs is terrifying, just imaging how scary the list of unfixed bugs that they dont want you to know about
yet must be...........

Don't you all know that Microsoft does not admit there is a problem until they have a solution? It doesn't matter how serious it is, they say they don't have any reports of that issue until they can fix it.

That happened to our computer and it's been screwed up since yesterday.

Regarding one of the items in SP2, I think it would be a good thing to start using the word "Truncate." It's a good-sounding word. Let's say it together: "Truncate." So, we might say that a Romanian man mistook his Morton for a chicken neck and truncated said Morton.

The list of fixes linked to by Dave left out one mildly important additional issue:

957125 The computer works regularly as expected, including but not limited to booting successfully every time.

*%&%$# Service Pack 2 takes care of that admirably. Microsoft has perfected a Service Pack 2 uninstall procedure in case this issue is solved too well. When carried out, this procedure causes the computer to work almost, but not quite, as well as it did when Service Pack 1 was installed. So,

Windows XP + Service Pack 1 + Service Pack 2 + copious amounts of time and frustration in front of a box that won't even boot + several calls to Microsoft Product Support + Service Pack 2 uninstall = Windows XP + a barely functional Service Pack 1 + all kinds of new security holes.

Thank you, Bill Gates & co. Steve Jobs and co. and their Jaguars and Panthers are looking better by the hour.

Booger, and Forbidden 403.

After reviewing many other commenting posts, I notice I am the only one speaking of "backdoors", the threat of invasion, and foreign countries that most American's are unsure of the location of, therefore I declare myself the Barryist poster in this thread. I consider this entitles me, the prevailing alert reader, to personal mention in any feature article explaining why the Department of Homeland Security (motto: "the other 'barely legal' on the net") backs a constitutional amendment to assure that American backdoors shall be secured from invasion.

Dang, since this is at the end of the line, chances are nobody'll read it. But, I installed SP2, and I've only had one problem. There's a website I used to frequent, but now I can't download from it properly.The website is the Microsoft Windows Update site. In Dave's immortal words, "I'm not making this up."

reneviht, can you say Harakiri?

For what it's worth-

I'm a programmer. I use Visual Studio.NET, various Macromedia web authoring products (Homesite, Dreamweaver, etc.), Photoshop, and some rather buggy software of undetermined origin. I run all this on a laptop that I use at work on a normal LAN connection with a dedicated firewall on the network and anti-virus software running locally (as well as on the network).

At home, I have a high-speed broadband cable connection that I use with a wireless router with built in firewall so I can use my laptop anywhere in the house.

I installed SP2 when it was still in beta. I installed the final version when it was released. I never had any problems with anything not working. I did have to do some extremely minor configuration of Window's built in firewall to allow some of my software to function properly. However, I've never installed any kind of firewall that didn't require at least *some* tweaking.

Apple computers and software (and OS X in particular) are good products. If you like 'em (and you happen to be rich), use them. Still, the big baddie Microsoft has done a pretty good job with SP2. If you're a poor developer like me and you can't afford to shell out $5k for a decent developer workstation, then XP SP2 might not be such a bad deal.

Anyway, sorry for the serious commentary. It has no place here.

Back to alien disco BeeGee's!!

"Hark, Eerie!" D'Oh!"Hairy Killy!" D'Oh!"Here a key ring!" There a key ring, everywhere...Sorry, D'Art. I'll get back to you.

Ditto here, Joshkr.

I wanted to ask C-bol for permission to copy and send that around but hey, ya have (at least what appears to be) a fake email, ya get your posts pirateed away, albeit with credit and source. Too clever & funny to let scroll away to archives! But Microsoft is gonna get disappear Christobol and I am sorry for that, and I wanted a memento.


Let me save you a lot of trouble, throw away the PC and get a Mac. They're beautiful inside and out. Never "defrag" again. Never worry about getting viruses. They're written for winblows. Never worry about spyware or adware. They're written for winblows. Sure you pay a little more, but I'd rather use a computer that the OS is written for the particular hardware being used and you KNOW it'll work.

Just my 2 cents.

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