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October 14, 2004

TRAVEL UPDATE

So last night I got on this small "commuter" airplane, the kind that works on propellers, and I was sitting in the front, and directly ahead of me was this large airplane piece, and on it were these words:

DO NOT REMOVE FROM AIRCRAFT
If found, please contact MOC 800 677 0819

What the hell is that about? Who would remove an airplane piece? And WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY "IF FOUND"?????

Never mind. I don't want to know.

Comments

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First!

First-est?

First! I found it. Is this like "Where's Waldo'?

first?

Damn!

Sitting in the front? Large airplane piece? Where the hell are you sitting? On the engine cowling? If so, how could you read the "if found" message with the prop spinning so fast?

Four firsts in one post! Is that a new record?

One true first, 3 false. 25%. About the same accuracy ratio as last night's debate.
So the candidates are a true reflection of the bloggers after all...

My Kerry-esque spin: Hey, I was first before I was second. But if you allow my opponent to be first, then his "First Policy" will cause the earth to careen out of orbit and crash into the sun. Wrong first at the wrong time, I say!

Um...er... what was the topic again?

Is flying in a small plane behind a heavy piece of equipment the equivalent to riding in a rickety bus with live chickens.

What kind of expense budget are you on, anyways?

Dear Mr. Barry,

This is Herman Wanklemanker, CEO of Tout Le Bulge Airlines and Goat Farm, and I would appreciate it if you would call the number on the part. When Elroy, our mechanic, fixed one of the planes last week, he had more parts left over than usual, so we just put them on random planes in case stuff started falling off again. Then Bugletooter, our prize stud goat, ate a similar part and we need it back.

Thank you,
H.W.

ps. the Prize Stud Goats wbagnfarb.

Why a "commuter" airplane? Commuters go from their homes to their offices. I thought Dave worked out of his house? Was he "commuting" to the bathroom? Must be a really big house.

Zaphod,It was probably a typo by the airline. They meant it to be a "computer" airline, in the sense that it's only suitable for shipping tiny emotionless boxes.

Next time take your own Flying Saucer

So, I gotta ask - is anyone going to call that number?

I can't because I'm at work and I really need my job so I can continue to pay my taxes to the wonderful people of Boston who are all cheering for their baseball team, the Red Sox, while pouring all of my money into a large whole in the ground called The Big Dig.

But I'm not bitter or anything.....

So, I gotta ask - is anyone going to call that number?

I can't because I'm at work and I really need my job so I can continue to pay my taxes to the wonderful people of Boston who are all cheering for their baseball team, the Red Sox, while pouring all of my money into a large whole in the ground called The Big Dig.

But I'm not bitter or anything.....

Oooo. That Flying Saucer thing looks pretty, um, interesting. I like the line, We did tow it behind a truck once. ...minor damage.

Minor damage to what? The saucer or the fool that was sitting in the folding chair that was duct-taped to the floor of the thing!

Wouldn't a picture of a specific "UFO", negate the "U" portion of that and make it an "IFO"?

Or am I just being picky?

"You have reached a number for AMR Corp which is not in service at this time"

Oh-oh!

I tried it and got that recording that goes

"Dee Dee DEE, the number you have called is not in service."

Dave wouldn't have given us a fake number, would he?!?!?!

Zaphod

I went to a bachelorette party and they had those vibrating ducks there, sold by an "intimate moments" type store. I'd say they are definently a toy.

of one type or another

How was the flight? Did it seem like any parts were in danger of falling off? Was the pilot the sort of person you would trust your life to? If you found an airplane part: a) could you identify it as an airplane part and b) would you call the number? Does it worry you that the number is not in service?

I have a lot of questions.

*tout*

*wondering on how many threads I can get away with this*

What are you touting, Leetie?

Federal Ducky's bulge.

Leetie:

I'd say indefinitely. Of course I'm interpreting your *toot*s as fart jokes and it is well documented that I'm all for fart jokes. Sort of breaks up the monotony of booger jokes.

Yes, with my lactose intolerance I definitely toot. Alot. But I enjoy touting too.

TMI, dear.

*toot*

I earned that.

Lactose intolerance? Better stay away from that Mexican Milk Shake on that other thread.

Dave, you should ask Gene Weingarten to call that phone number for you. I love his columns that consist of his telephone conversations with "customer service" personnel.

*tout*, ou rien!

rita- Are we related?

Your brother-in-law is named Anne?

Tootfest WBAGNF something

I'll trade you that Snicker for some Vanilla Smarties.

It's like being in the stream of consciousnes Random Thought Generator at an attention deficit disorder convention. I love it! :)

"It's like being in the stream of consciousnes Random Thought Generator at an attention deficit disorder convention."

hee hee! Wonderful description, Federal Duck!

Maybe that's why I like it here.

I hate to fly. I'm thinking the next time I do, I'm going to put highly adhesive stickers on various body parts that say "If found, please call fake number here, and then, for my sake, do some teeth gnashing and wailing. Thanks."

Just FYI:

tout

\Tout\, v. i. [See 3d Toot. ] To toot a horn.

Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

tout

\Tout\, n. The anus. [Obs.] --Chaucer.


*toot*

Leetie, I believe tooting the tout was one of the things listed on the kink test you sent me, wasn't it?

Re: who would take an airplane piece? ...people will take ANYTHING. In Paris, I toured the catacombs, and there was this sign at the start asking people not to take the bones. And I'm thinking 'who'd take human bones and stick them in their knapsack?' But, sure enough, at the end of the tour, there's a security guard standing next to a table with a couple of leg bones and a skull. I'm all for picking up souvenirs, but c'mon.

Are you quite sure they were human bones? They might have been fossilized twinkies.

Hmmm... *books flight to Paris* Research is key to solving these kinds of eternal questions. Well, research and a nice cafe or two... and some shopping...

Just be sure that you don't try to buy any bones rhealist. Those guards have no sense of humor evidently.

I have to agree though; who would take bones? But then... I remember some of the more colorful people I knew in college... Okay, now I know who went to Paris

*at the mention of bones, somewhere,Polly's ears perked up*

Ooh, yes, come to Paris! I just moved here from the US and it's lonely. Maybe if I went around saying "tout le bulge" I would get more attention...wait, that might not be a good thing.

Yes, that's terribly reassuring. And yet you didn't run screaming from the plane? Wow. You are hard core. I salute you.

Yes, that's terribly reassuring. And yet you didn't run screaming from the plane? Wow. You are hard core. I salute you.

that's the number I would call if the plane came apart into pieces during a fireball descent and threw the piece you're referring to, Dave, miles away into the top of the oak tree i was sitting under reading middlesex, a deeply affecting portrait of one family’s tumultuous engagement with the American twentieth century. That's the number to call, that's how things would go. Mkay.

flew on valu-jet and the emergency exit door had been installed upside-down ?

i hate flying too. ewwww. shudder.

It means that if there is a big, horrible plane crash, all will not be lost.

I don't know which is scarier, an "if found" sign, or a pilot with thick prescription glasses. I mean, c'mon, if he can't even see in front of himself...

You know, last time I flew the airlines, my pilot got on the intercom and did the usual "we're flying at blahblah altitude and will arrive at 5:30pm" spiel, but then forgot to turn the intercom mic off. Then he says to his copilot, "you know, I could use a cup of coffee and a BJ."

The stewardess (or is it flight attendant these days?) goes bombing up to the cockpit, and the guy behind me yells, "don't forget the coffee!"

heh heh.

I think the latest euphemism is "uniformed crew member." (hehe, I said member)

Ooooh, that's bad. So very bad.

Bad?
Then the uniformed crew member isn't doing it right...

I was going to comment aboutthe thread. But I've forgetten what it was...

Actually, Dave, it was an instructional book giving the pilot instructions on high flying in the Heavens. He never goes anywhere without it and he wants it returned if stolen or lost.

Maybe the thing is the black box? If so, you want to sit right next to it. Whenever a plane crashes, they always find the black box and it always still works. Obviously, that is the safest part of the plane.

Did it take a few starts before the pilot was able to get the engine to turn over?

I was on a similar puddle jumper on the West Coast awhile back. There was a curtain separating the pilot from the rest of us. And the curtain was pulled open. As we were on the ground getting ready to take off, I watched him press all these buttons, pull all these levers, then I saw him look at a button above his head. He paused, scratched his head, then pressed it in a very hesitant manner. At that point, I was tempted to leave the plane via a window, if only one would open.

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