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October 22, 2004


We can hardly believe that it didn't happen in Miami.

(Thanks to Ron Stewart)


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Trading Spaces for REAL.


Numero Firsto?

I wonder if the husband knew .."Hey Honey,new hair-do? I really like the new carpet..What's for dinner?"

she admitted she broke into the house with a shovel and was squatting there.

There has to be a joke in there somewhere.

Antique Child's Bonnet with 8 Tiny Stuffed Mink Heads! I don't know why, just because!

who dunnit?: if you do then we'll all have to

Copper: So... you're renting the place?

Mitchell *squatting by the window, in a pile of broken glass, clutching a shovel* Yep!

Copper: And you're renting Ms. Valentine's clothes, too? And her false teeth?

Mitchell: Ok, maybe I broke in, but I was GONNA rent it, if she ever got back, and then let me rent it, for, I dunno, a dollar.

Copper: And her jewelry and gun in your car?

Mitchell: Just for safe keeping. This isn't a very safe neighborhood. Been meaning to complain to her about that.

Copper: I see. How 'bout we head on down to the station. What do you want us to do with the washer and dryer you moved in?

Mitchell: Who cares? They're stolen. Erm... that is, what washer and dryer?

If that woman actually washed and ironed my clothes with the washer and dryer, I'm not sure I would mind all that much.

I wonder when she gets out?

Why is it that I'm most surprised that the home owner had $23,000 in jewelry....but no washer and dryer until the squatter moved in?

What I want to know is, what happened to the dog??

Tragically, the dog was not wearing a protective helmet, and its brain was therefore susceptible to alien mind control.

Under this control, it ran for state senate, where it now serves on a powerful finance committee as chairdog.

Slyeyes - My momma always taught me to hide the jewelry and silver in the dirty clothes hamper when you were going away. Of course, I suppose this woman would have found the stash, but at least my clothes would have been laundered.

MKJ - whoa! I gotta get that hat for my daughter!

and what is up with that crazy lady squatter!

M-stuffizzle he chill like ice water!

gotta go to work now, do what I ought-er!

Friday night, go to the club gonna get besot-er!

Rep Weinerdangle: Well of course we would all like universal flea treatment. It's the American dream. And who wouldn't want free heartworm pills for every urban minority who speaks English as a second language, but mostly just the swear words? The question is, how will we pay for it?

Chairdog: Woof!

no claim of mental illness either; how perplexing

What happened to the dog?

Apparently Mrs. Mitchell kept it as it has recently come to her attention that she is in need of a watch dog.

If there had been money in the pockets of some of the clothes, and this woman washed them, would she be charged with money laundering?


ps. A shovel? Why not a more appropriate garden implement, like a hoe?

pps. Not only did I just say "pp", but I worked the concept of a hoe into a perfectly legitimate and topical post. Booger!

ppps. If she was a prostitute, could anyone work a "pimps and hoes" joke in here and stay topical?

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Pimps and hoes"

"Pimps and hoes who?"

"Pimps and hoes who want to do your gardening and talk to your women about an exciting career in the field of 'having ugly men touch you for money' "

"Door's open"


You mean like that?

There's nothing like a good garden variety hoe - when you need to pimp someone elses booty :)

*meanwhile, somewhere in Kentucky...*

Clem: Yo, Samson, what you doin' diggin up farmer Ted's field? I thought you was gonna be a pimp, yo?

Samson: I am a pimp, dawg. I done got me three hoes workin here, yo. Check out how I pimped my ridin mower yonder!

Clem: That's dope.

...And thats elses (not else's)...

Didn't think that lady was coming back-
had to decorate that carpet was wack-
the colors that she chose - like epicac-
I'd wear more her clothes but they off the rack-
and her bras are too big, she's rampart stacked
I'm a little besotted cut me some slack

Fo sheeezzeee my creezzee...

will Dave BLOG after retirement???

Lady called the cops - lights on in the crib
man found a hoe inside and she told'em all a fib
said "I rent this pad from the big-rampart lady,
I bought her a new washer and this how she pay me?
but she was talkin' to the man, talkin' to his hand, he said, "it don't matter what you say, this is our new plan- move your money maker, (to the big house take her) your queer eye is doing time, you wannabe homemaker.

will Dave BLOG after retirement???

andy lichter: I don't know, but if I were him, I'd be worried that Beverly Valentine may move into his office.

maybe Ms Valentine was just sleep-renting? I mean if you can sleep-have sex with a total stranger, why couldn't you sleep-move into and take over someone's home?

what i thought was so odd was that she changed the bills to her own name. WHO WOULD DO THAT?! that's really stupid.

A lot of times you have to provide something like a utility bill in order to get a card at blockbuster, judi.

Plus, there's no mention of Ms. Valentine wearing a protective helmet, so who knows what the aliens told her to do. Sure, they can travel thru galaxies and abduct cows to gang probe them, but does that necessarily mean that they understand normal human squatting behavior?

Maybe I'm the only one who feels like this, but if aliens are coming here to pay my bills and do my laundry, I could put up with a bit of re-decorating. Hell, if she's cooking dinner and cleaning, I'll even wear an aluminum foil hat if it makes her happy.

somewhat less legal than hiring illegal immigrants, and almost cheaper

Marc - I didn't know THOSE were the type of illegal aliens we have been trying to keep out of the country!

Where was this woman when Dave was in Greece?

I'll be out of town next weekend. I wonder if I can get this lady to come in and redecorate for free as well as replace my old washer and dryer in exchange for some costume jewelry and clothes I picked up at the Goodwill?

Also, I wonder if she's now Martha Stewart's bi*ch?

0/0/1900 is a valid birth date but yesterday isn't. I keep trying to register with born yesterday and no one will let me!

I think this squatter chick is actually from Florida, took a left on I-20, and couldn't find her way back south!

"There's a lot of people saying, 'What?'" Copeland said.

Quality reporting.

I think it would be fun to be a squatter.
That's just me.

'My cell's padded and battered
like someone else had it
before me
And just kept throwin they f**kin self at it.'

Where was this lady when I was remodeling my family room?

Oh, and a side note.
If you don't like eminem,
BELIEVE ME, he doesn't like you either.

But did she clean?

sleep-renting, bwhaaaahaa.. very good.

Sleep squatting ownz.


(i)what i thought was so odd was that she changed the bills to her own name. WHO WOULD DO THAT?! that's really stupid.(/i)

I was just going to mention that myself. That was kind of generous, y'know, for a squatter.

Well, phooey.

reneviht:C'mon, Psycho-Joe. That's ridiculous. Whodoesn't like M&M's?Psycho_Joe: That's EMINEM, not M&M. And you spelled my name wrong.

Mudstuffin: great. MORE MORE!!!


Okay, that wasn't exactly my first thought. My first thought was "How many fries short of a Happy Meal is this gal?"

Spell me name how you like.
And thanks for the comment.

(Makes me smile)

There's a whole lot of lead paint in Georgia.

I saw a picture of this woman on tv this morning and she reminded me of the one who used to break into Letterman's house and say she was his fiancee. I guess she left her alien-repelling hat home on her own galaxy.

Must not be much in the way of credit references there for utilities.

The owner should have waited another day or two.

She mighta got a new 52" plasma screen TV next.

With THX surround.

And 160 channel cable.

And a 12 disc DVD carousel.


Sorry.....got a bit excited there.

Excuse me for a moment.

And it seemed like such a good plan.

Now I gotta go find a new home for the washer and dryer. And get a new shovel. The dog was getting to be a pain in the ass anyway.


"And so ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you: Who among us has not gone out for a few drinks, and then had a few more than a few, and then been convinced by a new friend we made in the bathroom to go to an after hours club and have a few more drinks, particularly those ones that appear to be the stuff barbers use to clean their combs, and then come stumbling home while the school bus brings kids back from school, and in our understandable stupor gone into the wrong house?"

"Who I say? Who among us? Alright then. Imagine you did that every day for the better part of a year. Wouldn't you behave a little oddly? And yet my client managed to purchase major appliances and switch over utilities in this state. But is the prosecution suggesting we give her a medal and the key to the city? NOOOOOOO! He wants to punish her! Can you imagine?"

"It's simple. This is a question of whether we're an America that admires and rewards the spunky drunken spirit that allowed a group of inebriated powder wig wearing party animals to declare independence on a lark and then keep their drunk on long enough to make it stick, or an America that frowns and poo-poos such behavior."

"I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: Do you want to be a bunch of frowny poo-pooers? Or do you want to say "NOT GUILTY!" and join me down at the bar for a party?"

Thanks for all of the luverly comments! I'zuh do ironin' too!!!!!!!!! Uh, oh! Hear comes mah flyin' coffee cup! Goodbye, all you chillrens! Goodbye!!! Most of thu mornin' to you. Goo by, Goo by,
Goo by!!!

The end.

P.S. See you the next time around. (10-22-2204)

Christobol, you left out the last line (courtesy of Eric "Otter" Stratton): "We're not going to sit here and let you bad mouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!" (leads exodus from hearing room to the bar)

Were you at the last conference in Philly on 7-4-76? Jeff?

It's random wanabee ramparts time!

Do Beverlys have an inborn compass to find other Beverlys?

Maybe she got lost, happens to my mom all the time!

MKJ: If I didn't know better I would swear those were MY wanna-be ramparts!

Not only am I the president of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee; I'm also a member.

Anyone else think this is out of place in the title?
Victorian Beaded Poncho Style Evening Neck Collar

When I think of Victorian evening wear, I don't think poncho style.

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