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October 27, 2004

CRAPCAM II: THE CLIMBING

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Slyeyes - what are you doing away from the altar? Get back to those incantations!

*Ring* *Ring*

Sly: Hello?
Caller: Yes, hello, this is the Bambino. You been looking for me?

slyeyes: I know. Being constantly inflicted with scrabble hands like that, and by my spelling generally, was the main reason I game the game up. I get more fun these days from doing battle with the spell checker over words like "leveraged", which is one of the mandatory IT-speak words required in any thoughtful proposal to spend more money on the dead horse.

I'm going to have to change it tho. There is some other lurking pervert out there who has already registered it as a userid wherever I try and sign up anonymously at a new web site. That, and the original joke of not being able to see me means you can't expect anything from me has worn off.

While I mull this new issue over, go back to your mail. Or react to whatever has just pounced on you in that bus.

I've got the laptop at the altar with me. Frantically doing internet searches for a virgin for the sacrifice.

Just can't find any.

Feck it.

*Goes to "Wait until Next Year Closet; hangs up Cardinals Red and White....Gets out Rams Blue and Gold.

Rams are in first place?? GO RAMS!!

And congratulations, Boston. Good going. Enjoy the feeling.

Welcome to the closet, Sly. If any virgins show up, please let me know...

About the Crap-cam, I mean, okay, it's funny and sort of charming. But can't this bunch afford a decent digital camera? Or is Dave just watching his expenses, since he won't be employed for the next year?

Wonder if the bus went to Busch Stadium for
CrapCam III: The Sweep...
It'd give a whole new perspective on the game, similar to the one fans have after spending $147,322 on ballpark beers.

Congrats RedSox!

Do virgins taste better than those who are not?
Are they saltier, sweeter, more juicy, or what?
Do you savor them slowly? Gulp them down on the spot?
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?

HA HA HA! HA HA! Ahhh. Ha.

Last!

Make that next-to-last.

wtf

The Terror Continues...

WYSIWYG: Suddenly, springing from the darkness behind them while their attention had been diverted.....

...was Halle Berry.

"RRRAAAAWWWWWRRRR!" Halle said in her best cat imitation.

Everyone on the bus screamed and attempted to exit by breaking the bus windows.

"I'm allergic to cats!" yelled Ridley as he resigned himself to sobbing in the corner.

"Guys, this window won't shatter!" Davey exclaimed to his busmates. The evil "Wedwum Season" window was indeed completely whole, though Davey struck it repeatedly with Amy's whip.

*music tension begins to build*

Suddenly, a face appeared in the window. It was none other than...

Suddenly, springing from the darkness behind them while their attention had been diverted.....
a two-headed sewer snake, 17-feet in length. The undulations of the serpent were mesmerizing, captivating everyone's attention. Everyone's, that is, except for Dave. To break the spell of the terror, he screamed in a manly way, "IIEEEEEEEEE!!"

From out of nowhere, Chumbucket drew his pistol and fired. BAM!

One of the snake's heads shuddered from the blast, eyes fluttering, then closing forever. But the other head just laughed, "SSS sss sss!" (for snakes can't say much, other than hissing, unless they're in a Harry Potter novel).

"Arrrr!" exclaimed Chumbucket, who, not to be outwitted by a snake, deftly threw his knife thereby cutting off the other head of the snake.

"Whew," Ridly sighed. "That was close!"

Too close, indeed, for our heroic band members. What will come next?

* apologizes to Rachel *
I was composing while you were. Sorry 'bout that.

Can't wait for the DVD so we can pick from various alternative endings.

If I had a creative bone in my body today I would try to merge MOTW and Rachels narratives, but I don't. (Not that I generally do.)

Suddenly, a face appeared in the window. It was none other than... Dick Cheney!

"Hi, fellas!" said Dick. "Anybody want some nachos?"

Amy Tan put down her whip, kicked off her stiletto heels, and flopped onto one of the bunks, "Sure, Dick. What brings you to our bus?"

"Well, things are a little slow at the White House. I just needed a break, you know? Something to break up the boredom."

They all began to eat the nachos and salsa Dick had brought. Amy told stories about her time at The Flogging Center ("All your Flogging needs, in one convenient location!"™), Ridley and Dave talked about their recent book tour, and Chumbucket scratched himself.

crunch crunch crunch

Soon, they were all having a great time. However, they were so busy eating and talking that they were unaware of the terror that awaited them just around the bend ...

Suddenly, a face appeared in the window. It was none other than... Dick Cheney!

"Hi, fellas!" said Dick. "Anybody want some nachos?"

Amy Tan put down her whip, kicked off her stiletto heels, and flopped onto one of the bunks, "Sure, Dick. What brings you to our bus?"

"Well, things are a little slow at the White House. I just needed a break, you know? Something to break up the boredom."

They all began to eat the nachos and salsa Dick had brought. Amy told stories about her time at The Flogging Center ("All your Flogging needs, in one convenient location!"™), Ridley and Dave talked about their recent book tour, and Chumbucket scratched himself.

crunch crunch crunch

Soon, they were all having a great time. However, they were so busy eating and talking that they were unaware of the terror that awaited them just around the bend ...

To continue... the terror around the bend was Poppy Bush, bringing with him the dreaded pork rinds. So, you thought you could munch out on this other stuff, he screamed. Just then, the ghost of Reagan entered, with his jars of jellybeans, and ..................

... Billy Carter brought a case of his legendary beer ...

The Rock Bottom Remainders began to turn green.
Would they have any room left for anything other than a few token nibbles of the largest Cheeto in Algona?
Or would the road trip end in inglorious and unseemly pushing and punching among the bandmates trying to be first into the small head...

"Hey, thanks for the beer Billy!" Dave said
appreciatively.

"This stuff is Legendary!" exclaimed Ridley.

"Man, I'm still hungry" groaned Ridley.

Dave retorted "But you just ate nachos and salsa with Dick"

...........

Chapter Four: The Aftermath

They all screamed in pain and anguish.

"I should have listened to my mommy and not eaten all of that terrible junk food." Ted groaned.

"You're right! You should have listened to me." Amy said, pulling off her face mask and revealing herself to be Ted's long-dead mother.

Ted jumped in terror and ran to the front of the bus, his shoes squishing in the muck from the earlier toilet overflow.

"Oh, booger", he thought to himself, and reached for a tissue.

Amy came after him, screaming and cracking her whip. "I have returned from the dead to exact revenge on..."

... Hover-Peeing Stealth Toilet Cloggers!

"They're EVERYWHERE! And since they're so stealthy, you can never be sure where they'll strike next until it's TOO LATE!"

judi smith appeared right behind Amy, brandishing a set of Ninja stars. "Now you're talking! It's time to take out the trash, Amy!"

Ted cowered in the mucky toilet overflowage. "B-b-b-ut, I am not a Hover-Peer! I'm a GUY! I can do it standing up ... With no hands, even!"

Ridley muttered, "Yep. I've seen 'im. Creepy, if you ask me."

"QUIET!" scowled Amy, her black hair shining in contrast to her flushed face. "I've heard enough excuses! They don't call me Queen Flogger for nothing!"

"N-n-o, Ma'am," whimpered Ted. "I love you, Mom."

This was quite unexpected. Amy faltered for just a moment. judi's hand was turning the Ninja star over and over, quivering to throw it at Amy's command. "What in the world is she waiting for?" thought judi?.

What indeed?

*We'll be right back to our thrilling feature after this important message from our sponsor*

Do you suffer from chronic nasal passage impairment? Try new Booger-away today! It's guaranteed to get rid of that built up gunk in no time or your money back!

*And now back to today's episode of "The Joy Luck Tower of the Byrds Talks Back to Peter and the Starcatchers", starring Harry Anderson.

Rachel, girlfriend, this next one's just ripe for you to tie together ... Have at it!

Judy started reciting Copabana.
Hoping to stem the flow of Barryitis coming from Amy-Mom.
(sing song hypotic voice) Copa-Copa cabana, the hottest spot north of Havana....

You know, guys, we're up to 8 pages in MS Word right now. We should probably finish this puppy off soon, and then I'll post the WHOLE thing. :)

By the way, Bangi, your barry manilow post totally fits if you read MOTW's post right before yours, so I'm keeping it.

I'm keeping everything, actually, so some of this doesn't make coherent sense...

The alphabet.

"What are you doing that for?" asked Ted, looking down at his brand new shoes now soggy with leakage.

"Zip it, Mr. "No hands, No aim", You're (not your) the reason we have to mop the floor around the low flow toilet" states the on edge Judi.

"Reciting my a,b,c 's calms my nerves." explained Judi.

Suddenly there was a loud thud from under neath the Bus.

A frightened "Booger!" was heard shouted by everyone on the Bus.

*In the faint distance was the sound of someone Touting a Bulge*

And then.........

Dave: "Oh yeah? Well, you're not the only one who can chant a really bad song ..."

He nodded over toward Ridley, who slowly rose from off his bunk. They straightened up their shoulders and began to sing "Lay Lady Lay".

judi shuddered. It was her absolute LEAST favorite song and the effect was devastating. She looked over to Amy for something, anything, pleading with her eyes for help.

Amy-Mom grabbed the wrapping paper from the cupboard and threw it at Ridley, distracting him from the terrible song. As Ridley cocked his head, judi threw the ninja star right past where his head had just been. The ninja star crashed through the "Wedwum Season" window and killed the culprit.

"Yay, judi, you saved the day!" exclaimed all the bloglits.

"I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out," judi said. "The whole time, the culprit was..."

* can't take the suspense much longer. What an intensity! *

Dave! Dave! What are you doing? You can't give mouth to mouth to that, that squirrel?

Everyone on the bus wrested the squirrel from Dave's lips and immediately recognized that Rocky had been behind the whole caper. Now that he was dead, they were all safe.

"judi, since you saved the day, you can hang out with me," Bullwinkle said.

And that is the story of how judi became Bullwinkle's sidekick.

Did Dave remember to remove the bean?

* sorry *

Ladies and Gentlebloglits, I present to you:

The Climbing
A novel by Stephen King
Ghostwritten by the Dave Barry Bloglits

CHAPTER ONE

[MEGANBNL] Little Davey sat on the curb outside his house, lost in thought. He felt himself drifting away, felt like he was falling, and he knew....it was Tensing. His mom and dad always called Tensing his 'invisible friend'...but Davey knew he was real, and lately Tensing was showing Davey things that scared him…

[RACHEL] ...like snakes coming out of low-flow toilets. Something in Davey's gut made him flinch every time Tensing promised him another "adventure". Davey should have listened to his gut this time.

"The bus belongs to the Kichmond Rickers, a rugby team from Virginia. I hear that fun and exciting things happen when you sleep on its top bunk."

Tensing made the trip sound like a child's birthday party, but Davey knew the truth: there was more on that top bunk than he ever wanted to see...

[MEGANBNL] Suddenly...with no warning...Davey's italics disappeared!

[RACHEL] Davey screamed in horror as his beloved formatting ceased to be visible.
Tensing grabbed Davey's hand. "We're not even on the bus yet. This is supposed to be the part of the book where the reader is all calm before the storm, ya know? Stop with the screaming until chapter 6!"

[MEGANBNL] Davey was so scared...how could he tell his bandmates that it was too dangerous to go on the bus? They'd never understand about Tensing. If he tried to explain, he knew they'd point and laugh and call him names.....names like 'freak', and 'psycho' and 'booger'......

[CHRISTOBOL] Just then Dave thought of a plan. A wonderful, wicked, wacky, well-crafted, whopper of a plan. Gathering his mates about him, he said...

"Say fellas, let's not go on the bus. I know, I know, it's all reserved and paid for and there's certainly no reason to believe that something terrible awaits us in the upper bunks, but the thing is, Ridley's scared. He's frightened like a little baby, and gosh darnitall I can't bring myself to force him to overcome his fears just because it inconveniences every single other person on this tour. So let's hop in a cab!"

[RACHEL] As completely reasonable as Davey's suggestion sounded, his bandmates couldn't bring themselves to take a cab.

"It's too expensive."

"It will take too long."

"Stephen King can't sell the book for a ridiculous sum if it's only 3 pages long."

Davey considered his bandmates' fears and realized, deep down inside, that the only way to assauge those fears was by revealing the deep, horrible, truth...

...he could not whistle.

Since they were stranded with the inability to hail a cab, they all boarded the bus. Davey's fears and anxieties gripped him like a chocoholic grips that sweet, sweet Hershey's bar.


CHAPTER TWO: THE BUS

[MEGANBNL] Davey slept fitfully, dreaming of things he couldn't possibly face while awake. In his dream he heard a hollow booming sound...he didn't recognize it, and it frightened him. Suddenly he awaoke, and found himself staring into the bus window, which showed him the reflection of his own pasty, sleep-deprived face. Across his image, in the kind of drippy letters you saw in horror movies were the words Wedwum Season.

[RACHEL] Davey gasped to hold in his scream, so as not to wake his bandmates. He was paralyzed with fear as he attempted to decipher the mysterious code.

"What could "Wedwum Season" possibly mean?", Davey whispered to himself. Then it hit him, "Wedwum Season" most certainly referred to...

[MEGANBNL] .....the heretofore unreleased Barry Manilow album of that name, whose tapes had been hidden for years in the basement of a long-deserted hotel.

[FEDERAL DUCK] Dave awoke with a start, as opposed to waking with a stop as usual. He immediately sensed that something was amiss.

"Ridley's hand is on my bum." he sensed, cursing himself for leaving Amy's whip out of reach.
He peered into the rain-soaked night, wondering what the hell Wedwum Season meant, and if Elmer Fudd was involved.

He gently removed Ridley's hand from his bum, eliciting a grunt of satisfaction from his bandmate that, quite frankly, was disconcerting.

"I feel disconcerted," he thought. "My concert has been dis'd."

The bus smelled faintly of gym socks and Captain Morgan's; a smell all too familiar to a man coming off of a book tour.

When suddenly, without warning, something really shocking happened, which will be filled in by someone else.

*insert text here*

[RACHEL] Davey couldn't hold it in any longer.

"AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!" He screamed, realizing that he sounded like that ridiculous Kia Rio commercial.

His bandmates awoke with a start, as opposed to waking with a finish, and started beating him mercilessly for interrupting their slumber.

"Look at the window!" Davey screamed between cat-fight slaps.

In shock, everyone on the bus stood still, including the driver who was no longer paying attention to the road.

As the driver stared agape at the window, the bus veered onto the exit ramp destined for...

[POGO]…the Kinzie Street Bridge, scene of the dreaded Dave Matthews Tour Bus Incident,

[RACHEL] on its way to

[CHARLOTTE] Algona...the Giant Cheeto home.

The orange mist was backlighting the WEDWUM SEASON printed on the window.

[CHRISTOBOL] Suddenly yet another really shocking thing happened without warning, which only partly explains why it was shocking: Ed McMahon leapt out of Dave's guitar case naked and began singing a lullaby in French.

"That's shocking! Why didn't you warn us?"

"Fed said I couldn't.

Berceuse, et bonne nuit
Avec les fleurs molles autour de vous
Assoupissement gentiment dans la fin de clair de lune
vos yeux maintenant et rêve !"

[FEDERAL DUCK] The bus driver, apparently taken aback, rather than afront as is his native custom, veered over to the side of the road.

"I'll bet the driver turns out to be a zombie." Amy said out loud, completely ruining the plot of the story and forcing Fed to come up with something else on the fly.

"He's going to make an 'on the fly' joke and turn the driver into The Fly instead." said Ridley, who was really starting to piss the narrator off.

Dave gazed intently at the markings on the window. "Wedwum Season." he thought to himself. "Let's see. Wigwam. Bedlam. Muwdew. That's it! It must be Jason Mulgrew, internet quasi-celebrity!"

Amy struck a rather fetching pose in her stilleto heels and brandished her whip like a wild... um, thing that brandishes stuff.

"Dave, just freaking say it out loud, man." said the frustrated and underpaid narrator.

"Wedwum." Dave said aloud, wondering all the while why you can't say something aquiet if need be.

"I get it!" Dave screamed, in a not ungirlylike fashion. "Ledlum! It's a Japanese thing! They can't say the L sound! This is obviously tied to a Japanese mob boss named Ledlum."

Then suddenly, without warning, the bus driver said "to hell with this," and quit.

Then something else really creative and shocking happened, as evidenced by Ch. 3 "Dave Does Dallas."

CHAPTER THREE: Dave Does Dallas

[MEGANBNL] 'But I've never even BEEN in Dallas!', Davey screamed in his head. 'Oh, yes...yes you were', said Tensing, who had left the confines of Davey's imagination and was trying on Amy's boots.

[MR.FISHER] As Dave is busy doing Dallas, a water line to the low flow toilet suddenly breaks and causes the bus to flood. Panic stricken, everyone frantically climbs the rungs of the ladders and huddle in the top bunks together. The water rises rapidly and since the driver quit, the bus is cruising around on autopilot and is unaware of the leakage.

Couragously Dave abandons all rationality and climbs back down into the rushing water, now up to his blue shirt. He was in search of the priceless pair of penguin thongs thrown to him by a bloglit named Slyeyes.

"Dave!, Wake Up, We're in Chicago dude!" yelled Ridley.

[MIKE WEASEL] "OMG! Who's driving the bus now?!" shouted Amy as the bus driver leaped out the window.

"Did you actually say 'OMG?'" Dave asked.

"Shut up!" Amy emphasized this comment with a crack of her whip.

The bus, somehow, kept driving itself straight along the highway as if following a beam, yet it started to accelerate to dangerous levels.

**zzt crackle**

"WHO'S UP FOR SOME RIDDLES?" came a maniacal electronic voice over the speaker system.

Stephen King, hidden in the back seat of the bus, merely smiled to himself and continued writing.

[WYSIWIG] "Suddenly from a foot locker at the back of the bus came a loud knocking:
Rap! Rap Rap! Rap Rap RAP!

Dave jerked around to face this latest threat. The whole locker was shaking from the evident violence of whatever was inside.

Like moths to a flame they were all drawn toward the box.

Rap! Rap Rap! RAP RAP RAP!

"Go ahead Dave, open it up", whispered Tenzing in Dave's mind, before collapsing with a thud to the floor.

"How the hell do girls manage to stand up in these things?" he muttered.

The knocking was steadily increasing in violence:

RAP! RAP RAP! RAP RAP RAP!

The background music reaches a crescendo as Dave gingerly reaches down to the locker. Releasing the catch he springs back and sees:

wrapping paper.

*the music stops suddenly*

*everyone's heart continues to pound in their chest for a moment in the now deafening silence*

Breaking the tension finally, slyeyes (who had suddenly found herself sucked through a space-time vortex into the bus), groans "Awww Jeez, that was the worst Halloween joke I've heard in ages"

Everyone laughs uneasily, as they always do just before something really nasty happens.

Suddenly, springing from the darkness behind them while their attention had been diverted.....

[RACHEL] ...was Halle Berry.

"RRRAAAAWWWWWRRRR!" Halle said in her best cat imitation.

Everyone on the bus screamed and attempted to exit by breaking the bus windows.

"I'm allergic to cats!" yelled Ridley as he resigned himself to sobbing in the corner.

"Guys, this window won't shatter!" Davey exclaimed to his busmates. The evil "Wedwum Season" window was indeed completely whole, though Davey struck it repeatedly with Amy's whip.

*music tension begins to build*

Suddenly, a face appeared in the window. It was none other than...

[MOTW] a two-headed sewer snake, 17-feet in length. The undulations of the serpent were mesmerizing, captivating everyone's attention. Everyone's, that is, except for Dave. To break the spell of the terror, he screamed in a manly way, "IIEEEEEEEEE!!"

From out of nowhere, Chumbucket drew his pistol and fired. BAM!

One of the snake's heads shuddered from the blast, eyes fluttering, then closing forever. But the other head just laughed, "SSS sss sss!" (for snakes can't say much, other than hissing, unless they're in a Harry Potter novel).

"Arrrr!" exclaimed Chumbucket, who, not to be outwitted by a snake, deftly threw his knife thereby cutting off the other head of the snake.

"Whew," Ridly sighed. "That was close!"

Too close, indeed, for our heroic band members. What will come next?

Dick Cheney!

"Hi, fellas!" said Dick. "Anybody want some nachos?"

Amy Tan put down her whip, kicked off her stiletto heels, and flopped onto one of the bunks,

"Sure, Dick. What brings you to our bus?"

"Well, things are a little slow at the White House. I just needed a break, you know? Something to break up the boredom."

They all began to eat the nachos and salsa Dick had brought. Amy told stories about her time at

The Flogging Center ("All your Flogging needs, in one convenient location!"™), Ridley and Dave talked about their recent book tour, and Chumbucket scratched himself.

crunch crunch crunch

Soon, they were all having a great time. However, they were so busy eating and talking that they were unaware of the terror that awaited them just around the bend ...

[QUEENSBEE]... the terror around the bend was Poppy Bush, bringing with him the dreaded pork rinds. So, you thought you could munch out on this other stuff, he screamed. Just then, the ghost of Reagan entered, with his jars of jellybeans, and ..................

[MOTW] ... Billy Carter brought a case of his legendary beer ...

[JAMESTER] The Rock Bottom Remainders began to turn green.

Would they have any room left for anything other than a few token nibbles of the largest Cheeto in Algona?

Or would the road trip end in inglorious and unseemly pushing and punching among the bandmates trying to be first into the small head...

[MR.FISHER] "Hey, thanks for the beer Billy!" Dave said appreciatively.

"This stuff is Legendary!" exclaimed Ridley.

"Man, I'm still hungry" groaned Ridley.

Dave retorted "But you just ate nachos and salsa with Dick"

CHAPTER FOUR: The Aftermath

[RACHEL] They all screamed in pain and anguish.

"I should have listened to my mommy and not eaten all of that terrible junk food." Ted groaned.

"You're right! You should have listened to me." Amy said, pulling off her face mask and revealing herself to be Ted's long-dead mother.

Ted jumped in terror and ran to the front of the bus, his shoes squishing in the muck from the earlier toilet overflow.

"Oh, booger", he thought to himself, and reached for a tissue.

Amy came after him, screaming and cracking her whip. "I have returned from the dead to exact revenge on..."

[MOTW] ... Hover-Peeing Stealth Toilet Cloggers!

"They're EVERYWHERE! And since they're so stealthy, you can never be sure where they'll strike next until it's TOO LATE!"

judi smith appeared right behind Amy, brandishing a set of Ninja stars. "Now you're talking! It's time to take out the trash, Amy!"

Ted cowered in the mucky toilet overflowage. "B-b-b-ut, I am not a Hover-Peer! I'm a GUY! I can do it standing up ... With no hands, even!"

Ridley muttered, "Yep. I've seen 'im. Creepy, if you ask me."

"QUIET!" scowled Amy, her black hair shining in contrast to her flushed face. "I've heard enough excuses! They don't call me Queen Flogger for nothing!"

"N-n-o, Ma'am," whimpered Ted. "I love you, Mom."

This was quite unexpected. Amy faltered for just a moment. judi's hand was turning the Ninja star over and over, quivering to throw it at Amy's command. "What in the world is she waiting for?" thought judi?.

What indeed?

[BANGI] Barry Manilow!

"But...But...he's not on this bus" pleaded Ted.

" Of course not dumbass!" hissed his mother, who was quite a force to be reckoned with, even after death.

" We must get to his concert! Now drive boy! Drive!"

Dave trembled..."Barry Manilow?" he thought. Just the thought of him began to suck the life out of not only Dave but all these men.

Just then..the bloggits realized the pictures of the RBRs were changing...their eyes were disappearing...just like in Japanese horror films!

"Are they dying?" whispered Rita...

Punky shook her head. " It's Judi playing with photoshop again"

In her office, Judi laughed an evil sinister laugh. This was not photoshop....with her magic black markers poised above the voodoo dolls of each and every band member, Judi began reciting the ...

[CHARLOTTE] Copacabana, hoping to stem the flow of Barryitis coming from Amy-Mom.
(sing song hypotic voice) Copa-Copa cabana, the hottest spot north of Havana....

[MR.FISHER] The alphabet.

"What are you doing that for?" asked Ted, looking down at his brand new shoes now soggy with leakage.

"Zip it, Mr. "No hands, No aim", You're (not your) the reason we have to mop the floor around the low flow toilet" states the on edge Judi.

"Reciting my a,b,c 's calms my nerves." explained Judi.

Suddenly there was a loud thud from under neath the Bus. A frightened "Booger!" was heard shouted by everyone on the Bus.

*In the faint distance was the sound of someone Touting a Bulge*

And then.........

[MOTW] Dave: "Oh yeah? Well, you're not the only one who can chant a really bad song ..."

He nodded over toward Ridley, who slowly rose from off his bunk. They straightened up their shoulders and began to sing "Lay Lady Lay". judi shuddered. It was her absolute LEAST favorite song and the effect was devastating. She looked over to Amy for something, anything, pleading with her eyes for help.

[RACHEL] Amy-Mom grabbed the wrapping paper from the cupboard and threw it at Ridley, distracting him from the terrible song. As Ridley cocked his head, judi threw the ninja star right past where his head had just been. The ninja star crashed through the "Wedwum Season" window and killed the culprit.

"Yay, judi, you saved the day!" exclaimed all the bloglits.

"I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out," judi said. "The whole time, the culprit was..."

[CHARLOTTE] Dave! Dave! What are you doing? You can't give mouth to mouth to that, that squirrel?

[RACHEL] Everyone on the bus wrested the squirrel from Dave's lips and immediately recognized that Rocky had been behind the whole caper. Now that he was dead, they were all safe.

"judi, since you saved the day, you can hang out with me," Bullwinkle said.

And that is the story of how judi became Bullwinkle's sidekick.

The End

Good work, guys!

THE END
.
.
?

Chapter 5 Detour

After things had calmed down a while, the RBR and the bloglits’ attention were suddenly diverted by the bus driver, who was pointing out the front door. “Look!” shouted Ridley. “It’s Zippy running alongside the bus, and he’s barking like crazy!” The bus slowed to a halt and the driver opened the door. Zippy came to rest panting by the door, but, to everyone’s surprise, did not get aboard. “Woof!” barked Zippy, “Woof, woof, woof!” “Zippy! Where did you come from? C’mon, why don’t you hop on? What are you even doing here?” Dave pleaded. “Woof!” continued Zippy, even louder than before, and followed it with a whimper. “I think Zippy is trying to tell us something, Dave!” said Ridley urgently. “What is it, boy? What’s the matter?” Dave pleaded. “Woof! Woof!” replied Zippy. He then leaped into the doorway, took hold of Dave’s pant leg with his teeth and started tugging. “I think Zippy wants us to come with him, guys!” said Dave, slapping his forehead, “Is that right, Zippy?” Zippy rolled his eyes, leaped out the door, turned around to look at the door once more, and took off in the opposite direction from the one the bus had been traveling. “Let’s turn this thing around, driver!” shouted Dave, and the RBR bus took yet another detour.

When they caught up with the racing Zippy, they realized they were heading for…..

...Hell.

Yup, that's right. They were on the Highway to Hell. And there were no exits.

"What are we going to do now?!!?" Davey screamed.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do," Ted said. "We're going to..."

Soon to be released by Black Lab Productions, with cameo appearance by John Cleese.

Cher sings the title song.

... for, after all, this is the road to Hell.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do," Ted said. "We're going to..."

"... first go to Hidalgo, Texas, to Dodge Arena."

"Why, in the name of good rock?" asked Dave.

"Oh, please, tell me it's not true!" Amy stuttered as realization washed over her like the waves over a deep sea fishing vessel that make all the businessmen throw up with each rise and fall.

"I'll tell you - we're opening for Cher!" whispered Ridley sinisterly.

There was a collective gasp from the bus passengers. All eyes turned to Ridley. They could not believe what he had just said. And, more importantly...

they couldn't believe what he had just farted.

Looking sheepish, he said, "Hey, why do you think the toilet backed up...? I was expecting this bus to have a high-flow toilet..." and grumbled something about burritoes.

Stephen King, meanwhile, considered adding something about sh*tweasels but reconsidered, and left the bus via todash.

The bus continued onward toward Hidalgo, Texas, its occupants oblivious of the huge chocodillo that had just wandered into their path...

(hopes no one notices his mispelling of "burritos")

* better than eating burro-toes, I suppose *

Chapter 6: Ridley's Revenge

When the greenish haze cleared away from Ridley, RBR collectively realized that such a travesty as opening for Cher could not be allowed to come to fruition. What could possess an otherwise normal man such as Ridley to resort to such debasement?

Ridley, wringing his hands in a sinister manner, explained, "Now my evil plot is afoot! You will bow down before my..."

Amy: I've got some chocolate stored up for us.

Dave: Where?

Amy: Debasement. (har!)

Mitch: heehee. Ridley said "afoot."

"This is why I have turned on you!" shouted Ridley as a vein throbbed in his neck. "This is why I have booked us on the neverending Cherwell tour."

"Lame jokes and low-flow toilets?" Mitch asked as he scratched himself.

"No!" Ridley exploded, marking the shortest quote in the story so far. "Every time I try to do something suave or say something intelligent, I get interrupted with your inane babble! I get no respect from any of you!"

"Inane Babble wbagnfarb." Dave pontificated.

"AAAARRRRGGGG," Ridley replied, clearly nearing an anyurism. "Now I will reveal my true self!!"

The sky darkened and the wind began to howl across the forgotten stretch of highway. Ridley dropped to his knees and screamed as his body began...changing. Bones cracked and skin severed as he transformed. Slowly, madly, his eyes began to glow. RBR stepped back slowly, not knowing what to expect. Lightning crashed, and in the illumination, the other band members gasped in shock as they realized that this was not Ridley at all, but the most evil, ruthless, kitten-kicking degenerate in the universe. It was...

...Cher herself!

"No WONDER you booked us on your tour! You needed a band with TALENT!" gasped a shocked Amy-Mom.

"No," said Cher, tying for the shortest quote in the story, "I wanted you all for my man-cage. Except Amy and judi of course. For the two of you, I have reserved the most evil, horrible torment that could ever befall a human being. You are going to..."

"...be the photographer's assistants at my upcoming Naked at 60 Shoot."

Amy and Judi looked at each other in horror. The male RBR members also looked shocked, although Mitch muttered something about Amy-Mom at least deserving it, 'cause she was always hitting him with that whip when they were on-stage and he couldn't very well complain about it. Only Dave was able to think clearly.

"So, if we're locked up in the man-cage, does that mean we'll be spared the sight of the photo shoot?" Dave enquired.

Judi gasped in shock. "After all my years of hard work, you'll just abandon me like this?"

What Dave would have answered to that we'll never know, because just then the bus hit...

the rogue Chocodillo, sending it flying across the west Texas desert. The bus careened out of control and finally began to tip over and slid down the highway on its side leaving a shower of sparks to illuminate the night. The only good thing was that that stagnant toilet water finally drained out the window. The ear-splitting sound of metal sliding along asphalt finally ground to a halt and the bus slid to a stop on its right side at the edge of the desert.

All was quiet for several minutes except for the sound of a whimpering chocodillo in the distance. The air was still. The dust around the bus settled. There was a cough from inside the sideways vehicle. Another window slid open with a torturous groan and an arm emerged. Climbing out was...

....an unkempt, unwashed Barry Manilow. When hid feet touched the dusty ground, he reached back into the bus window, dragging out a dazed and blank-eyed Dave. Holding pearl-handles revolver to Dave's temple, he exclaimed, "He goes with me! And if any of you try to follow us, I'll shoot!" He dragged Dave away into the night....

Do excuse the typos....read with context in mind please.

(I can see it will be another low productivity day today)

MeganBNL: And if any of you try to follow us, I'll shoot!" He dragged Dave away into the night....

...Just then little Timmy from down the road pops up from behind a bush.

(You know little Timmy, that fresh-faced, innocent, feel-good type that could equally well be heard to say “Come on everybody lets put on a SHOW!” or “Gee mom, that would be swell!”)

“Hey everybody!” shouts Timmy, “I’ve got the answer! I know the RBRs are on a road direct to hell and the only alternatives seem to be spending an eternity recording for Barry or touring with Cher, but there is another way!”

“Timmy…” said Slyeyes, who had been hiding in the luggage rack since Halley Berry had sprung out at them.

“Timmy, I think it would be a good idea to shut up just now. You see, you are dealing with two massive forces of evil here, and I don’t think putting on the sort of show you have in mind is quite what they……”

And sure enough, Barry and Cher had turned as one to the now cowering and uncertain Timmy. Their eyes blazing like hot coals from the pits of hell just up the road, they let loose a screetch at little above high C.

“We did it ourrrrrrrr waaaaayyyyyyyyyy!”

Timmy, caught in the cross fire of the two most abrasively mellow voices known in history uttering the most cliched lyrics of all time, exploded in a red blur of component atoms.

Dave, meanwhile, unregarded and unnoticed started to sidle towards the edge of the upturned bus, freedom was just a step or two away, when unexpectedly……

A spaceship decsended from the darkness and settled on the desert floor.

(Ed. Note: What did I miss....we went from Chicago to West Texas? Oh well.)

The door opened, lights blazed from the interior, backlighting a tall figure with a sequined cape flapping in the breeze. Eerie music could be heard as the figure walked down a ramp towards the figures cowering below him. Music so eerie it made little Davey whimper....then singing could be heard

I am, I said,
To no one there
But no one heard me at all...

All were amazed and frightened as they now recognized the mysterious stranger to be The Jazz Singer. He slowly made his way to over to little Davey and said, "Boy, I've been waiting a long time to say this to your face."

But before he could say the words Davey hated most; before he could say 'not even the chair' -- Suddenly---"

…Nothing happened.

The assembled crowd stood as a frozen tableau: Dave, in Slyeyes’ penguin thongs, shrinking back against the bus, wishing he had taken slightly larger steps while sidling towards escape; Barry, the pearl handled revolvers now hanging limply by his side; Cher, with pieces of Ridley make-up still dangling from her industrial-strength eye-brows; Amy-Mom, with her whip slung casually over her shoulder, the manacles tucked into her belt, her leather face-mask (now back on) glistening in the moon-light, toying with the strange silver thing with the spikes, electrodes and a non-slip grip; Tenzing slumped in a wheelchair with two bruised and bandaged ankles; Steven King muttering over why he can’t get a connection to the Internet out here on the road to hell, particularly when there is a lot of un-copyrighted material up for grabs; Slyeyes, covered in a light wash of the component parts of Timmy; Ed McMahon, now back in Dave’s guitar case, humming the music to “I can’t get no satisfaction”; Halle Berry, well, purring; Dick Cheney, having been caught in the back blast of Timmy’s destruction, face down in a bowl of nachos; and Judi, having been thrown head first onto her nija stars during the crash, peering into the gloom, nija stars poking out of her forehead at crazy angles.

Nobody else? Right then:

Nothing happened. The frozen tableau.

Seconds passed, and still nothing happened. And it happened again: NOTHING!

**Bzzzt**

“But wait! For just an extra dollar we’ll send you not one but TWO sets of steak...”

**Bzzt**

“Flab-blaster is the fast and easy way to get rid of those...”

**Bzzt**

“...and with our patented Slow-Blow technology...”

**Bzzt**

“...you won’t BELIEVE...”

**Bzzt**

“...studies have...”

**Bzzt**

“You...”

**Bzzt**
**Bzzt**
**Bzzt**

Crap free-to-air television.

**Bzzt**

…and the alien spaceship exploded with such painful force that even Amy-Mom was forced to whimper in ecstasy.

The bus, having been miraculously blown back onto its wheels, stood glistening, waiting for its passengers to reboard.

“Ok everybody!”, yelled Dave, his short-term memory having been apparently destroyed in the blast, “Lets get on with the SHO...”

“Um. Daaaave”, murmured Slyeyes, “Dave I don’t think...”

But it was too late. Barry and Cher turned as marionettes to focus on Dave, and started to take breath. But, fortunately for Dave, right at that moment...

.....a toilet exploded, it's fiery shards of porcelain falling like deadly sleet. "Gypsies, Tramps and SHIT!", cried Cher, as Barry tried to protect himself, covering his head with his arms, muttering "IwritethesongsIwritethesongs....". But it was too late. The barrage of flaming potty parts soon left them helpless and twitching next to the bus. Dave couldn't help but.....

...wonder to himself: "Jeez, MeganBNL works even stranger hours than wysiwyg does."

But then the awful, gut-wrenching, scrotum-tightening realisation dawned on him:

"Wait a tour-loving minute! wysiwyg lives in Australia! Its GMT plus ten hours over there! That makes it...makes it...lets see now, the sun rises in the east, and England is WEST of Australia, so he is effectively travelling BACK in time to be where we are, which means he must already know what is going to happen! Quick wysiwyg! What's going to happen next?!?"

"Well guys, I'd be REAL careful, you know, because...."

Just then, unfortunatey for our hapless crew, Australia went into daylight saving mode and everyone advanced their clocks by an hour.

This resulted in the usual flurry of telephone calls from indignant pensioners to the talk-back radio shows about how this damn daylight saving we have every year is fading the curtains, is by various means leading to the general decay of public morals, and that it would never have happened in their day.

But these calls were not the problem for the RBRs, it was that wysiwyg was also simultaneously sucked into a time warp (which, with any luck, should protect him from Slyeyes getting back at him for splattering her with Timmy guts), but also meant that he couldn't finish warning them about MeganBNL.

Becase MeaganBNL was not who she appeared to be. Being up and 3:30 in the morning was not unusual for Megan because.....

Being up and 3:30 in the morning was not unusual for Megan because.....

BNL stands for Breakfast Never Leaves. She was stuck in a time-warp of always cooking breakfast for anyone and everyone. It was a cursed life. Yet she found an outlet for her creativity not in sculpting scrambled eggs into the likeness of Queen Elizabeth for the thousandth time, but in contributing to Dave's blog.

"I'm a really outstanding artist," she'd say to herself as she typed. "They should see what I do with frozen critter parts and hot dogs. But here in the Outback, no one appreciates my work. I can misspell all I want and just tell people it's (not its) ART, so read it in context."

The bloglits were quite happy for MeganBNL's contributions. (After all, who among them hadn't commited a misspelling of their own from time to time?)

At this point, the underpaid narrator pondered a moment. Picking smoldering porcelain shards from her keyboard and wiping vaporized essence of Timmy from her monitor screen, she wondered, "Could it be that MeganBNL was distantly related to ..."

Awwww. I had her in mind as some sort of hover-peeing psycho-zombie. In the nicest possible way of course. Never mind, we can fix that up....

MOTW: "Could it be that MeganBNL was distantly related to..."

...Maria Alquilar? Who else would just bash something out, call it art, and expect the rest of us pedants to interpret it without comment?

SUDDENLY, from under a particularly large pile of broken pottery, penguin thongs and Timmy atoms, emerged a strangled groan.

It was Dave. Although almost dead by drowning, explosion, bus crash, and sheer fright, something MOTW had said had struck through to his remaining long-term memory.

“BNL, did you say? BNL doesn’t stand for Breakfast Never Leaves, it stands for Band-members Never Learn! And “Megan” is merely “Nag Me” spelt backwards! Almost.

So THAT means…..”

As one, the heads of the tattered crew snapped around to look over their shoulder.

“Buhwahahahahaha!” Rumbled NagMe’s evil voice.

“Thought you could escape the kitchen without cleaning up eh? Well round here we have a way of dealing with no-account musicians who think they can just slide up in a pollution filled bus filled with singers that refuse to fade away gracefully. That’s right boy-ohs: Hover-Peeing Psycho-Zombies!

From all around them, emerging from cracks in the blasted landscape HPPZs started to claw their way towards the terrified group.

“After them my beauties!” exulted the ravenous NagMe. “We’ll put on a show they’ll never forget”

“Um, NagMe”, said Slyeyes, “I don’t think…..”

“Not NOW Slyeyes!” RBR all roared.

And sure enough, despite their physical bodies having been destroyed an explosion or two back, the evil essence of their natures took hold of the broken shards of pottery, and what was left of Timmy, (note to Slyeyes: you are nice and clean again now) and formed a ghastly simulacrum of them both. A sort of Barry head, with an almost-60 Cher body.

Sight of the latter having struck them temporarily blind, all they could do was listen as the evil confronted evil. This was going to be the fight to end all fights, the intractable forces of crazed hygiene confronting the irrepressible desire to sing forever.

They clapped their hands to their ears as the pottery inhaled a great breath and sang…..

(Hmmm. Seems like nobody else wants to admit to knowing too much about Barry and Cher's work either. Will have to consider the situation and see if the breech of etiquette of posting to one's own post can be justified.)

*tests moral depths, discovers this is the shallow end of the pool*

wysiwyg: They clapped their hands to their ears as the pottery inhaled a great breath and sang...

...complete gibberish!

eyyyyyye id ithhhhh eyeeeeeeeee ayeeeeeeeeeee!

The botched lyrics, while powerful, nevertheless lacked the full force that had been directed at the unfortunate Timmy. The HPPZs, rocked back on their heels for a moment, resumed their crouched hopping advance, their skirts raised to their hips obscenely.

The RBRs retreated towards the door of the beckoning bus.

NageMe, sensing victory, screamed “That’s right me lovelies SHOW THEM!”

The pottery swung on NagMe and, realizing that music would not work for them, starting whizzing (Ed Note: had to get a whiz joke in here SOMEWHERE) pieces of pottery and Timmy at her. The HPPZs, seeing their master threatened, sprang forward as one and buried the hapless spirit-infested ex-toilet in a flailing pile of arms, legs, blood and gore. Rather like a sale day at WalMart.

“Run for it!” screamed Dave, and the band and their various hangers-on sped into the bus.

“You drive!” screamed Dave to Halle Berry, who lept, well, cat-like, into the driver’s seat while humming “Whats NEW pussy cat, woah-a-woahawoah aaaahaaaaa” to herself.

“What happened!?!” screamed Dave, slumping down on a nearby bunk.

“You can stop screaming now, we’re safe”, replied Judi, “It was lack of a soft palette that got them. I recall a post from Claire Martin about it a while back. The people that perfected the working low-flow toilet had to resort to necromancy to get it to work, and had the same problem with the musical toilet seat add-on for the Japanese market. But there was a non-disclosure agreement in place to protect the patent application, so the Herald wouldn’t let me post it for legal reasons.

“What do you mean we’re safe!” screamed Dave, “Here we are on the road to hell with no exits, and our only alternatives, however unsavory they may have been, are currently looking like a shopping mall ladies room that hasn’t been cleaned in a week!”

“Oh this isn’t the highway to HELL”, retorted Amy-Mom, “ I should know, I’m dead in case you forgot”

“Then where in the stage-struck world ARE we”, screamed Dave, his face now a fetching color of red that offset the gray, black, brown, red, pink and green splatterings on Ridley’s originally orange shirt.

“We’re on the highway to ELLE,” explained Amy-Mom. You know, like in Elle’s e-mail address. With luck we’ll arrive at her place in time for dinner, I seem to be famished all the time since I died.”

“Oh crap!” exclaimed Ridley, “I just realized I’m traveling light and this is the only shirt I’ve got. What am I going to wear on stage?”

“Don’t sweat it”, replied Dave, reaching for a nearby bowl of nachos, “Who’s going to notice?”

And so on through the night sped the bus, towards an unsuspecting blogglit with hopefully a full freezer. But little did they know……

Copyright Nov. 1, In the Year of our Dave, 2004.

The Dave Barry Bloggers and Blurkers inclusively, heretofore, at the present time and henceforth referred to collectively as "The Bloglits, Inc. Worldwide Intergalactic Pan-Dimensional Corporate Enterprises, Creative Ventures and Pretty Darned Good Goat Rodeos," doth hereby and furthermore reserve all rights, priveleges, liens, debentures, words, phrases, expressions, curses, ideas, hymns, insults, witticisms, and neurotic exhortations, either real, imagined, or otherwise, included anywhere within our currently occupied plane of existence or any others that we may or may not deem appropriate for any reason at any time in this or any other future timeline, till death do us part, you may kiss the bride, to be the legal, moral, spiritual, and personally binding and self-fulfilling property of the Future Farmers of Just West of Peru, Indiana and Marching Kazoo Band, inasmuch as our legal representative, Earl P. Sheepwanker, Jr. is down with the mumps and can't be here to sign the aforementioned historic accord.

Signed- Federal Q. "Winky" Dewayne Hurlmont Esq. Duck IX

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