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October 12, 2004

ATTENTION, TERRORISTS

You're wasting your time with the British.

(Thanks to Gretchen)

Comments

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I'd thought they were more afraid of dentists and flavorful ('scuse me "flavourful") foods.

Hmmph. I don't see where "Having Your Testicles Parboiled Over a Two Week Period While Watching Queen Elizabeth Do Aerobics Naked" even makes the list, so I'm not sure I believe the poll was accurate.

Soft, doughy lips also rank high on British phobias.

I, too, question the validity of this poll, as hillary clinton was not even mentioned.

So the British are scared of arachnids
More than terrorists, and the sad fact is
They'd be screaming like girls
And some might even hurl
If they had to move to Bay St. Louis and help find a 17-foot 110-pound burmese python that some moron let out of his apartment.

"..put the 'willies' up a friend??

Sure, Cheesewiz. It's a common Britist pasttime to put random things up a friend. Willies tends to be a favourite.

I only have two phobias:

1. Androacornobia - The fear that Homeland Security is slowly replacing squirrels with android spies bent on posting embarrassing picturs of me in the shower on the internet.

2. Republicanobia - The fear of golf.

Zaphod - there were times in the 60's when I had ankylophobia.

That is, if I had been alive in the 60's, I'm sure I would have had ankylophobia.

pictures, too.

I never used to be bothered by snakes, as a kid I would catch them all the time. Last week I had a couple of garter snakes in the basement I had to catch AND IT CREEPED THE HELL OUT OF ME.

(Thanks a LOT Dave ...)

ewwwwhe,blimey, i hate spideys!

(that was supposed to go with the snake story but hey it's sort of apropos anyway)

My God man! That is me!

MKJ, you've been known to drop by Ebay on occasion; you've got to keep me alterted when the Homeland Android Security Squirrels post nudie pictures of me. And how much they sell for. (I'm a capitalist, is that so wrong?)

And if you see a HASS on ebay, I want it. I'm sending it to Bangi's house.

Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint.

I'm always afraid that I won't be able to move my bong. But I get paranoid sometimes.

Rachel - I suspect that most men probably have an attack of Caligynephobia when in your presence.

slowlayne: so all those people who are out to get you were right, you ARE paranoid!

MKJ (and Dave) - Obviously, Ophidiophobia.

Hey Dave,

Please don't tell the Brits about the terrorists who carry spiders and snakes.

That would just be mean.

Zaphod - I don't know about that, but for some reason, they all seem to suffer from metrophobia.

What does a girl have to do to meet a metromaniac?

Rachel - Perhaps it's not metrophobia. It could be Pentheraphobia, or the potential.

Dave, I don't want to complain about not getting credit, but the link I sent was much cooler -- judge for yourself, as it had a great picture. Granted, I don't think these two are actual British soldiers, but they could be someday, right?

Rach seeks a mate that's chimerical
But men of that type aren't numerical
Her quest poetic
Is quite frenetic
Can she couplet with someone unrhymeable?

I just substitute "Jeff" in the "Thanks to somebodyorother" line.

Gotta agree with the Brits. Besides, I'm way more likely to be terrorized by a spider in my kitchen than a terrorist. If it were a spider-wielding terrorist, then I'd probably just curl up and die.

I thought Dave was blaming Gretchen for the Brits' fear priorities.

Rachel, my dear
your rhymes they appear
on my monitor, yet somewhat sporadically

Your prose, it wows
(and slowlayne's aroused)
and I chime in most emphatically

Keep up the good work
don't pout and don't blurk
your poems are sweet as cane sugar

though many we be
too many can't be
the poets that can rhyme the word "booger"

As she sat down to blog and some tea, a
Girl named Rachel just wanted to see a
Nice thread going on
But soon found herself gone
As she suffers from phobophobia.

And this one's for you, afkam:

I try not to blurk
Though sometimes I smirk
As I silently read through the threads

Sometimes I feel chatty
Sometimes I am catty
What can a girl say? It's the meds

When I do feel like talking
My fingers go walking
To write things in prose and in stanza

I try to be fun
And make verse on the run
In a veritable rhyme bonanza

So thanks for your ear
You have been such a dear
And I'll try to write something you've sought

But it's hard to find rhymes
When you don't have the time
For such things as crapweasel and snot

Yeah, but spiders probably won't detonate a suicide bomb (only half kidding).

Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes!

Bastard Terrorist: And so if you do not meet all our demands, including erecting a statue of Dave Barry crossing the Potomac on a floating giant squid while the choirs of heaven play a ukelele (all of them together, with just the one ukelele, mind you), then you will suffer the consequences.

Nigel: You don't scare me... much. I mean, you're about third or so on the list of things that scare me, so piss off.

Alquilar: Look out! He's got a toaster!

Nigel: A what?

Terrorist Bastard: I don't have a toaster.

Alquilar: Yes you do! Right there! In your left hand!

Terrorist Bastard: That's a spider, you idiot.

Nigel: A spider! Arrrrghhhh! I'll do as you say! Is it ok if it is made of spam?

Terrorist Bastard: Spam will be fine, but make it pretty!

Nigel: Of course.

Alquilar: You're racists.

Nigel and Terrorist Bastard: Pardon?

Alquilar: Just because I misspelled 'spider' as 'toaster' you called me an idiot. I'm an artist, you racist scum! Most people wouldn't even have noticed the whole 'toaster' mistake had you not pointed it out!

Nigel: Yes they would!

Terrorist Bastard: Wait, did you say you're an artist?

Alquilar: Yes, and a fine one, too.

Terrorist Bastard: Good, then you do the sculpture, in spam, and make it pretty.

Alquilar: Why should I?

Terrorist Bastard: Because I'll sick my ... uh ... toaster on you if you don't.

Alquilar: Fine. But you'll have to apologize about the 'idiot' crack.

Terrorist Bastard: Right, dreadfully sorry.

Nigel: So... I can just go then?

And for you, slowlayne:

Mates are fine and dandy
But I prefer my candy
It seems to be more handy
And the occasional brandy

But I'm not against a flirt
Who is happy to fling dirt
As long as he keeps on his shirt
Nobody's gonna get hurt

Wait! It seems that I am cured
For on this message board
Are gentlemen with poetic words
And swashbuckling sword (Arrr!)

So I'll send a shout - "Hello!"
To you and other nice fellows
Who are happy to expose
Your mania of the metros

Wait, so what in Britain (England, whatever) is worth targeting? Ummm... David Beckham? The Spice Girls? I'm pulling a blank here. No wonder they aren't afraid of terrorists. Nothing worth their (the terrorists) time.

Markhh, no duh men are three times worse at performing when drunk! Just think about that last sentence....

Oh, and Steve, I couldn't access your link... said something about access denied. Mus thave been those terrorists. Or possibly spiders in your tower. Those webs wreck havoc on a motherboard, doncha know.

I meant to say "must have been those terrorists." D'OH!

I killed a spider the other night ... he was scurrying off to a secret meeting under my deck ... I know this because he had a "flight training 101" handbook in his 4th and 6th arm and "The Terrorists Guide to Chaos and Fear by Charlotte Bin Laden" in arms 3 and 5.

I squashed the terrorist and did my part for homeland security.

Thanks for the link, Rachel!
---

Terrorist Bastard: Erm.. that doesn't look much like Dave Barry. The hair, I mean, is that a hat or what?

Alquilar: That's a falopian existentialism. The art chose it.

Terrorist Bastard: Well, in any event, it's not pretty. And the angelic choir all look like James Spader on the crapper.

Alquilar: Thought you'd like that.

Terrorist Bastard: Well, I don't. Make it pretty dammit! And representational! I thought you said you are an artist.

Alquilar: You're mean. And a racist.

Terrorist Bastard: Well of course I'm mean. I'm a terrorist, aren't I? And a bastard!

Nigel: Blimey. That's bloody horrible, it is.

Alquilar: I can't work like this.

Terrorist Bastard: It is bad, isn't it? But I can't get her to fix it. My toaster died.

Nigel: Your toaster?

Terrorist Bastard: Spider, whatever. Will you help?

Nigel: Well, alright. But only because I can't stand to see Dave Barry so poorly rendered. And because I don't want any of Alquilar's art in England.

Alquilar: Him? Ha! Fine. Let's see how he does. I quit! But don't come crying to me when he can't get the brocolli chameleon zamboni butter!

Wilbur, this thread scares me. Let's move on.

markhh - it's true. Women hold their liquour better according to studies.

I wonder, though, if those studies took into account that most men* act like asses even BEFORE having alcohol. That might even things out a bit.

*present company excluded, of course

"I don't like spiders and snakes
Slithering below or dangling above me
You terrorist bastard
I don't like spiders and snakes
Slithering below or dangling above me
More afraid of them than I am of you."

Mary Lou, I agree with Charlotte, 'cause I don't like spiders & snakes.

last night i dreamed i was giving a speech to Al Qaeda in a spider-filled cave. but it was still better than going to the dentist.

Personally, I hold my liquor by his ears.

*rimshot*

Aide: Good news sir!

FBI Chief: What is it? Is my happy meal here?

Aide: Erm... no sir. We finally managed to infiltrate the spider terrorist bastard group.

FBI Chief: Really? That's good, right?

Aide#2: Well, it would have been, but Punky just squished him.

Aide: Dammit

FBI Chief: So then... that's bad, right?

Aide#2: Your happy meal, sir.

FBI Chief: Oooh! Goody!

Aide: Wait! You can't open the toy until you finish your burger and eat at least half of your fries.

FBI Chief: Booger!

BY HIS EARS!!!!

Hoo hoo hoo hahaha

(Off topic (duh))

Many people enjoyed My Big Fat Greek Weeding.

I also found a nice weeding ring that would look splendid in the garden.

And then there are the touching Commemorative Stamps of Diana & Charles' Royal Weeding

MKJ what up widat?

psst, afka-mudstuffin. everyone knows that spiders, terrorists and snakes hide in the weeds.

Yeah, MKJ, did you find that stuff on alquilebay or something?

I was thinking the same thing, slyeyes, but I didn't think it was ladylike to say. Somehow, you made it so.

I am totally creeped out by spiders but I'm the only grown-up at my house so I always have to kill the spiders and other bugs. The cat eats some of them but even he gets scared by some of the humongous spiders that find their way into my place.

Huh? What's that? More poetry?

Aww, geez, alright...

after his marriage
the snake terrorist's new wife
got a good weeding

Weedophilia mebbe?

Weedophilia wbagnfarb?

My Big Fat Greek Weedwhacker?

Peri, that's an old joke that we "ladies" on the geezer bus like to tell.

How old (excuse me, how young) do you have to be to get on the geezer bus? Not that I think I am anyway near the age limit, I'm just..um..curious. Yeah, that's it - curious.

Peri: just climb right on in, plenty of room

There must have been a lot of married people taking the survey for death to rank so far down the list of fears. And since it was a British poll, one also might wonder where the fear of orthodontia, the fear of Haggis and the fear of a Spice Girl Farewell Tour might rank across the Pond.

FYI: Haggis is a Scottish "delicacy" made of sheep's stomach as a casing. It is filled with the other edible organs that are cooked first and then chopped up. These are called "pluck," -- things plucked from the sheep carcass -- and include the or lungs all of which I now understand that the USDA has declared them "unfit for human consumption".

from what I understand, the time to get on the geezer bus is
(1) when you start telling old jokes and stories over and over
(3) when you start obsessing about past wins of your favorite sports team
(4) when you find yourself yelling at the neighbor kids to "Get off the lawn!"
(5) when you read stories about terrorist spiders and think 'ah, feck it, life's too short, just squash on 'em.' (or as we say in St. Louis "squarsh 'em")

and, apparently, when you forget that "(2)" comes between "(1)" and "(3)".

Is is just me, or does anyone else here (over the age of 40) now have The Who's "Boris the Spider" from Meaty, Beaty, Big & Bouncy running through their heads?

Damn you, Lairbo! I didn't til then.

creeepy, craawly, (repeat)

It's just you, Lairbo.

Right, sly, so when did the Cards last win? 1982 wasn't it?

Does the geezer bus take exact change only?

You can easily spot the geezer bus because its left turn signal is always on.

I would try willing myself to think of another song, but I'm afraid I might start lactating.

Joshkr - I'd love to change my name, honey, but I AM your girlfriend. What? You think I wouldn't figure out that you read this blog? You're the most predictable guy I know.

*Rachel hides in corner*

Jeff, that was more directed towards me than anyone. There's been a lot of office talk today about the playoffs (go figure!) The last time we won was before one of my children was born and the other one was too young to chant "Ozzie!! Ozzie!!" -- which she did quite nicely 3 years later during the playoffs.

Excuse me, my ride's here.

"Driver, do you need exact change?"

I actually have spider tattoed on my arm. Can't stand the things, but with a name like Charlotte, I just had to do it.
Does that make me a terrorist bastard?

*warms up his smooth, sultry voice*

**Earwig Alert**

The itsy bitsy spider
Scared the weenie Brits,
More than death and snakes
And even terrorists.
Out came the Punky and
Squished the little prick,
Now the itsy bitsy spider
Has nothing to do with the mental image of slyeyes and peri holding their liquor by the ears, which is exciting on a naughty level.

Some Brit Right, so, erm... I'm taking a bit of a poll, to figure out what people are afraid of. I promise not to use the answers in any sort of evil plot to dominate you, per se. I'll just publish the results so that others can, ok? Jolly good. So - what do you fear?

FDR: Fear itself!

Ted Kennedy: Chicks who can swim.

Some Spanish Guy: A half lived life!

Macbeth: Any man not born of a woman!

Some Brit: Thank you all, really. I appreciate your candor, but I'm really looking for more generalized or common things, you know?

Ted Kennedy: Like 'last call'?

FDR: Ooh or maybe terror. If you fear fear, then terror has to be worse, right?

Macbeth: Wives?

Some Spanish Guy: A life one quarter lived?

Alquilar: Dictionaries!

Some Brit: Ok then, you've all been great, really. But I'm going with spiders and snakes.

I will have to look and see if I have any pics. It's not real big. Last name not Muffet, but I could change it, of course my husband may not appreciate it...oh well

It may or may not be Maria Alquilar's home for sale.

For the record, every time I hear about Texas EVER I am gr(e)ateful I cho(o)se to live in Ontario.

Joshkr - can you demonstrate the "nerd laugh" for us? I'd like to hear/read that one.

Must be the frosty Canadian weather.*

*rimshot*

*I love perpetuating stereotypes

That's right! You're not from Texas
That's right! You're not from Texas
That's right! You're not from Texas
Texas wants you anyways!

C-bol - what's the tune to that puppy?

slyeyes: There's been a lot of office talk today about the playoffs

Same here. Minus the "p"
:-(

Wow, Joshkr, that's pretty nerdy! :)

*pokes Joshkr in the side*

*reviews posts to see where this thread took the off ramp for Texas -- which is kinda freaky considering I'm on hold while making reservations to go to Houston at the end of the month -- and no, not for a ballgame*

*wow -- that was long for an 'aside'.

Good link, Joshkr.

Lyle's show is not one to miss, if'n you get the chance to see him.

Speaking of Revenge of the Nerds....

Booger!

Some Spanish Guy: A life one quarter lived?

LOL.

Excellent, Cbol ...

I Simulposted with Punksteroneous the Wunder Babe.

Hmmmm. The BlogGods (Thanks MikeWeasel, cuz Dave signed so.) have truly blessed me today.

My work here is done.

A Frush? What the F!#K is a FRUSH ?!?!?!

A "Frush" is what a drunk declares when he calls in poker!

another sign you're ready for the geezer bus....when you find yourself staring at your e-mail folders, trying to figure out which one contains the e-mail you saved two hours ago.

I love how, if you give it long enough, spontaneous mini-moats just appear. And it's always the usual suspects (us).

Slyeyes, can you drive the geezer bus over my way? I've never censored in a bus, but it sounds like a peck of fun.

Seriously, what's an "e-mail" Folder?

Pardon me little Peri darlin',

I've got me a saddle and spurs, how creative are ya?

Well, my workday is over.

Good evening to you all, and I'll see you tomorrow on the MOAT-of-the-day.

Also, booger.

I resemble that remark, "You're wasting your time with the British", Mr. Barry!
I'll have you know, any time an American, (read TRAITOR), spends with a Britisher is time well spent. I wish you were here I'd give you one good paddling, I say! Yes, that's the ticket, a good looonnggg paddling with old Betsy, finer cricket bat never made. Yes, paddle till those traitor cheeks are rosy red! Well, enough about that.
Good day to you sir!!

Well Joshkr I Rigged an old Atari 2600 with any old crap I could find to get online. Should I update? Hey, have you noticed my improved typing since yesterday? Practice pays off my friend. Any progress in the HST Dept.

*twang*

Sorry old boy, forgot, Ahem, BOOGER! Silly custom that!

WoW! Thanks, that ought to drive up my RAM, or REM, or bytes, or bites or etc...

You mean like this PeeJay::::

[[[FRUSH]]]


Aahhhh, I feel much better now after having a BM (BarryManilow = BowelMovement)

Precisely Mr. Frusher.

I don't really understand all this booger crap. But if my memory serves me correctly, the Dr. Johnny Fever A.K.A. Howard Hessman is owed some serious royalties from this serios of post.

The "the" before Dr. Johnny... is supposed to be a "then". Dammit again, there goes my 100!!

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