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October 07, 2004


OK, you might have to register to read this story in the Miami Herald, and I apologize for that, but if you do read it, I guarantee that your reaction will be, quote: Huh?


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And OMG, two firsts in one week. I feel complete now...

"Hi Ms Aquilar, I'm Jeremy."
"Nice to meet you...erm..what are you planning to do with that fifteen pound cock?"
"Just want interlace our cultures, luv."

What a freakin' snob. She wants an apology after she made a mistake on something she was paid well to do. What's her email address??? Bloglits? Shall we?

And she resides in Miami.

She is such a victim, bloglits! I mean, you just don't crack a dictionary when you're (not your) sculpting, and like, there were a million other people around who could have pointed this out, and besides, she thought the spelling was right (not write)!

I think the director at the Livermore library should save $6000 and buy a $2 can of spray paint to correct the mistakes herself. Make it a media event.

Sow, whatt's th bigg deel? Whu karez thet sum stoopid wurdz gut spelt rong? Bihg facking deel. Itz arrt nat literture. Sheash. Uptite libariuns. Whu goze too thu libary, anyhoo?

"Ms. Aquilar?"
"Erm.. it's just that, I think Shakespeare is spelled..."
"And Einstein, that has another..."
"No ma'am, it's just that..."
"Yeah but this is a library, and ..."
"Ok already. Forget it. I'm not even gonna mention that I don't think there were big, orange, glowing, vibrating dildos in Shakespeare's time, and even if there were I don't think he'd put one in a bowl of fruit loops."

I think that's freakin' hilarious. Those poor dopes.

Leetie, you want us to prefix our names with "pustule" when we e-mail her? Or, booger?

This is easily repaired. A handwritten sign under the mural saying, "For the correct spellings of the above words, come on inside," should suffice.

"Booger" will be easier for her to understand. She'd probably have to look up "pustule," and we all know the futility of that.

it's all about blame with those freakin' liberals.

lets blame someone! anyone!

anything except take responsibility for our own actions!


HA HA HA HA! That's so true! It's actually advertising. Clever, clever artist.

The library could turn this into a positive. They should post someone at the entrance and ask everyone coming in, "Did you notice anything odd about the mural out front?" Anyone who didn't is ushered into a remedial reading/spelling room.

As far as Ms. Aquilar, well, she's clearly on the short list for heading up the NEA during Bush's second term. She's clearly got the PR chops for the job: Make an obvious, boneheaded mistake, then deny it, then say it's not a problem, then that it's not the point, then blame those who noticed and objected.

Has any body been able to send an email?

No wonder our young people can't read, a teacher misspelling names. The education system in this country....ooops, sorry Rita, I will shut up now.

She's frazzled? And I always assumed being this clueless would be restful...

*pins HTML badge on rita and hands her a beautiful plastic Dave Barry for President pocket protector*

My defense would have been, "But Shakespeare's name had several different correct spellings! No one had dictionaries when he was alive! I'm just keeping it real, folks!"

As for Eistein and Van Gough, she's on her own.

etc., try this

oops. that doesn't work. sorry etc.

"Cume in two hour grate librarey and reed Shakespeer"

Spelling is an out dated concept (and a new outdated concept at that). Letters represent sounds, groups of letters represent the sounds of words, the representation is intended to convey meaning. Originally everything was spelled foneticaly, different spellings came from different dialects pronouncing words differently, and then some anal retentive book seller named webster came along. All of her spellings were acceptable to me. I know who Eistein is, I know who Van Gough is, etc... Art's in the eye of the beholder...

And she's even willing to take your money to tell you what art is.

From her website:
Art consulting for single purchases or building a collection, art rentals and no interest payments on time are available.

pass the spray paint. i'm in.
she'll probably claim artistic license.

Leetie — Thanks, but when I try that I get an error message about "No such file or directory". Have we shut down her website?

a haiku

multiple typos
a difficult correction
artistic asshat

Here's something I got in e-mail this week:

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Looks like Scott McDonald's got a little crush on the artist formerly known as Aquilar who stole her name from the artist formerly known as Prince, but who relinquished the name and is now just Prince again.

So, when's the wedding?

*makes mocking kissy sounds at Scott*

Scott - that's fine for email. But if you get paid a bunch of money for your "art", and your muse tells you to put words into a mosaic, you frikken run a spell check, unless you are queen of the morons from planet stupid.

Then if you get insulted when your idiocy is pointed out, people get to throw lawn darts at you everywhere you go.

It's in the constitution.

Be sure to start any e-mails with "Dear Marian Alquiliar" or other variant.

Dear Miss Defensive,

Calling yourself an artist is a lame defense for being obstinately ignorant.

Hire a damn editor.


Jayson Blair

editors note: This woman needs a swift kick in the ass, a lesson in humility and a dictionary.

Thanks for the link to Maria's website, BigD.

Hmmm. It also contains her local phone number. (Cue "Jeopardie!" music.)

No, that wood be wrong. Woodn't it?! WOODN'T IT?!

Oh, and Scott...we love you.

Oh, and one more thing...because it's just too ironic considering the thread and I'm too much of a smartass not to point it out, you spelled phonetically wrong. :-)

But seriously, folks . . .

A few years ago, I was an editor at a popular entertainment guide. On staff was an extremely talented original artist. He was in demand for his custom logos.

Thing was, he COULD NOT SPELL! His excuse to me - his immediate supervisor - was that he was concerned with design, not having the right letters in the correct order.

*I* knew from his notes et al that he just could not spell.

I had to constantly look over his shoulder. This way I could gently nudge him down the path of correctness if the creative spelling demon took over.

quote: huh?

Dave, how'd you know?

After Anacondas leaves that Texas theater -- if they ever find the snake -- I think the next show should be Christobol's: Queen of the Morons (from Planet Stupid).

I know I'd pay to see that.

Thanks Polly,
I saw that but with the *w* word interfering I did not post a response.

"Hukd on foniks werkd for me"

Would the w word be wnice? Wtactful?

I knocked out the little angel on my shoulder earlier this morning. All that damn chatter interferes with my diabolical plans.

Just in case you don't want to register for the story...
The Miami Herald lets you see one article before it asks you to register. You can cause the Miami Herald to forget you already read an article by deleting the cookie:
from your browser's cache. Naturally, I wouldn't do such a thing, but I'm saying it can be done.

Brainy, Or you can just sign-in as crockett@tubbs.com like everyone else! PW: miamivice

The *w* word was wrok..wkro...wrko...wwwww...work,
but a "wince" did occur when reading that post.

Leetie - Wow. That's easier. Guess I missed that thead...or perhaps - them threads. Thanks!

I dunno, if Aquilar wants to be known as "the illiterate literary artist" I guess that's her business. Besides, it's hard to spellcheck a sculpture.

*Points Blackberry at mural and clicks furiously*

Scott also spelled "outdated" two different ways. And his name is actually "Scooter MacDonalld" but, who's counting?

Umm... I don't see how she is supposed to consult an encyclopedia to get words right. Even if you accept that they maybe meant dictionary instead of encyclopedia, you still have to know how to spell the word in order to find it...

Actually, an encyclopedia would have worked, since she was referencing famous scientists, artists, and boogers from throughout history.

And she only would need to be able to make a good guess for starters, then narrow it down by flipping pages. Failing that, she could have asked a second grader for help.

But what am I saying?!! She's an artist!

If I were the one who cut the check for her garbage (since I'd have plenty of free time now that I'd be FIRED) I would go to her house and start doing some SERIOUS performance art on her ass, you know what I'm saying?

So I emailed her this missive:
Saw the article about your poor spelling on the library mural. Saw that you, an ex-teacher, dismissed the importance of properly spelling the names of some of the cultural icons you chose to use in your mural, as unimportant.
A good artist should be able to accept valid criticism.
A really good artist shouldn't have to proclaim the excellence of her own work...
A person of integrity should be able to accept responsiblity for all aspects of their creation...
Don't you think?

jamester - you rock!

You know, while she apparently feels that incorrect spellings are okay for those OTHER artists, you know, the nobodies like Shakespeare, I'll bet she'd raise hell if anyone got HER NAME wrong.

MOTW - thanks. Be interesting to see if she responds - I used my real email return address...
Bets, anyone? Unlike our new friend Robert the newspaper editor (Robert, how ya doin? You still with us?), I predict she will not. I'd bet $100 virtual dollars on it...

Shouldn't somebody at the library have noticed while the work was in progress, or was it covered up or something? Or maybe they were operating on trust.

Wants an apology, my hind foot. What an artsnob!

cbol ... would this "performance art" include branding irons, lemon juice, sheep goo, tar and feathers?

If so ... can I come? Please?????

I'll spell random words aloud from the dictionary as you spank, tar and feather her.

Then we'll give her a pop quiz and if she misspells and of the words, we'll make her lick 5000 envelopes without any water or breaks ... Then we'll bring out the lemon juice ... you know paper cuts from envelopes on your mouth are the WORST!

Maybe I should be using my powers for good, not evil?



Oh, and I MIGHT have been willing to cut poor Scott McDonald some slack, given that I'm pretty sure he spelled phonetically incorrectly on purpose, however he apparently believes that the first English dictionary was written by Webster (!!??!), so he is obviously not deserving of pity. Well, actually pity, yes. Slack cutting, no.

Punky - I was counting on it!

Jamester - great idea. I just sent her this:

Greetings Ms. Alquilar,

It has come to my attention that you have used the names of four of my best clients, Mr. Eistein, Mr. Shakespere, Mr. Van Gaugh, and Mr. Michealangelo, in a sculpture / mosaic of questionable artistic integrity.

As I'm sure you are aware, Ms. Akweleer, a person's name is an important part of their commercial and artistic identity, and it must respected, and used only with permission.

Said permission not having been obtained, my clients insist that you remove their names from your works, and/or send them a booger as payment. Should you choose to continue to use their names in your works, please make payment of one booger to each them every month.


Lucipher Mephistopheles, Atty at Law, and Owner of your Puny Soul.

Just let dogs poo on the misspelled words. It's crap either way and there are odd misshapen people out there who feel dog poo is art.

I cut my slack just the other day. Man, that hurts!

WTG Jamester! Keep us posted if you get a response.

Yeah (sp?) I spelled fonetically wrong on purpose and the Webster line was just a crack (sp?) - butt seriouslly ewe guys are vishus, give the po women a brake. I really did think Van Gogh was spelled with a "u" in it though...

This surely is not about the extra labor involved in making sure the spelling of words - particularly names - is correct, or about the potential distraction of doing so from the supposed higher purpose of her work. She just didn't bother, got it wrong, got called on it, and is now throwing up smokescreens in a futile effort to deny the perception that she is an idiot. Let me emphasize "futile" and "idiot".

Polly, though you're (not yer, yore, eeyore, etc.) probably being facetious, you give her way too much credit in suggesting that this was intended as a way to attract attention. She isn't half that clever.

If her misspellings were deliberate and had some kind of subtle or ironic meaning, she might be able to get away with it, but she has absolutely put it out there for all to see that she is an arrogant fool. She should correct the misspellings, and the library should not be asked to pay a cent for those corrections.

I'll give her a break, Scoot, if she stops demanding an apology and makes one herself.

Skott - a braik might be givven if she had oaned up to hur misteak, butt her frantic, fingar-poynting reaktion has urned her the skorn and ridacewl she is nau getting.

Hey, when Punky and I show up with the branding irons, lemon juice, sheep goo, tar and feathers and Punky spells random words aloud from the dictionary while I spank, tar and feather Ms. Alquilar, and then we give her a pop quiz and if she misspells any of the words, we make her lick 5000 envelopes without any water or breaks ... Then we bring out the lemon juice...

That is us giving her a break.

You should see what happens when we're actually miffed.

Blue Meanie...Yeah...I WAS being facetious.

(Note: I spelled "facetious" as "acetious" first, which would be pronounced asseeshus foneticly.)

Found exactly what I thought I might on her website:

"Alquilar's, primitive paintings, ceramic sculpture, ceramic installations, metal sculptures and lithographs are owned by corporations, Museums, Private, City and Federal Art Collections in the United, Mexico and Italy."

That's not my typo, it's hers. So, are these works to be found in United Kingdom, United Arab Emirates, United Way, United Airlines, Manchester United, or just where exactly?

WHAT A MORON!...and she wants a freaking apology!....

Isn't this her husband?

The typos at her web site aren't hers. Somebody else (the web page designer?) ghosted them for her to disguise the fact that she's functionally illiterate, but revealed their own lack of grammatical/proofreading skills.

she has a website?

*wonders if she should start packing for another field trip.*

Leetie — More on that later.

Mike W: you cut your slack? You want me to kiss it better? *wink*

Leetie: LOL at that last picture. What, exactly, is the MORAN protesting? I may want to join.

Bravo, Leetie. Do you think he's an artist too?

I was just wondering if the Morans guy was going to make it into this thread.

Oh, Leetie!! Don't show that!! The guy is wearing a Cardinals T-Shirt, fer crissake!!

As a whole, Cardinal fans are much better looking and better educated that THAT!!

I wonder why she is no longer a teacher? I'm glad that she got out of that field, but it would be interesting to learn the story behind her career change.

Heh... Yea, sly, I was actually considering posting that link on "that other thread."

etc. - I'm sure you're (not...oh, never mind) right, but you can bet that she would have blasted that web designer had her name been misspelled.


*furiously tries to delete link to the "moran"*

Give him a break, he did get USA spelled correctly. That means he's batting .500, which is good in most leagues.

Oh, except that league where you make fun of other people's intelligence by carrying around a misspelled sign.


Ooh, that was bad... Alquilar began her work after the sudden death of her husband that resulted in the fracture of a strong family structure.

Scratch "husband" above and replace with "brother."

Thank you.

Just sent this email:

"I think your rite. You dont need too now how to spel. Espeshally the names of famus peeple. I jest hope they get you're name rite on you're check."

I just contacted Marty Hinden (Sp? if I dare), the head of Cardinals PR. He's on the hunt for that guy with a can of spray paint, scissors and a Cub's T-Shirt.

Teach her a lesson...mis-spell her name on the commission check and let her try to cash it, even with ID!

Whooohooo go Ms. Aquilar!

If I was her, I'd not only demand(sp?) an apology(sp?), I'd demand(sp?) it in writing(sp?) and every(sp?) word would(sp?) have to be mispelled(sp?) to some degree(sp?). I'm all for sticking it to the anal(sp?)-retentive(sp?)-spelling-man. Yeah!(sp?)


Christo and Jamester - Great letters! Christo, I just have to say, YOU'RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND!! And that's a good thing! Keep up the good work, that is all.

*psst* uh, Scott? You spelled her name wrong.

Well, that's sad. But why do we insist on using language like "resulted in the fracture of a strong family structure."? What the hell does that mean? Why can't we just say "devastated the family." or "made everyone terribly sad for a long time, even causing them to question their faith, approach to life, etc." ?

Or maybe it really did fracture the family structure. So - like the trailer fell over or something.

I dunno.

Scoot, no need to duck. Just scott over a bit.

I even cut and pasted it from Blue Meanie's post up above to make sure I didn't spell it wrong ;)

bbxl — thanks for the suggestion. Just sent the following to the city's mayor:

"I urge you to deliberately misspell the artist's name on her commission check so she can't possibly cash it without having it reissued, which would be done, of course, after she has apologized for her inexcusable behavior and her 11 spelling errors."

No, Christobol, it was a STRONG family structure. Trailers fall over in a strong breeze. The structure was made of bricks, after they tried straw and sticks. A little bit of spackle should take care of that fracture.

Hey Scott - you and Ms. Alquilar should hook up (she's single now, ya know). You both enjoy staking out an erroneous position and then obstinately defending it in the face of overwhelming criticism.

I think that's cool. For you guys.

(all in fun) BOOGER!

Nah - I'd never date anyone from Miami - or Florida for that matter.

Is it booger or buger?

How can we be sure I was wrong and not her?

Exactly! And how can we be sure she was wrong and not all those other people whose names she misspelt(is that even a word?)?

All I'm going to say is that Ms Aqualiar is a
MAROON!!! (not moran)

You've got me convinced, Scatt. We must all just be hallucinating to think there is such a thing as correct or incorrect. Who are we to set arbitrary rules about spelling? And make that double for grammar? and puncTuAtion: and capytalyzing" and order too word,

Awww, Scott ... I think it's sweet you vote for the underdog ... but if you're going to support and defend said underdog, you had better be willing to clean up after her.

*hands Scott garbage bags, white-out, dictionary, "get out of jail free" card and pooper scooper*

Maybe Scott and Ms. Alquilar are correct. Why should we obey the spelling and grammar nazis? What is the big deal, after all? In that spirit, I submit the following, which, in my humble opinion, is the funniest thing ever communicated among humans:

aleirih ckcnvkSErkWEPORIWEWUGOVN KEJNR[kldjaldjfo ei
aldks9ee9iru wefjvn x,.xcmlc;xgj[er9tuw[0e9rfjdklmle k rdlkjqto;i4utioeja;lsketjq[4optie[0ergoijaer;glkn mqg34[oieytujea[rgbmnae;norit ju3
;lawek rjowie lakffae;oier jheoefna;wekj
a;eirj;aei na;erkjngfa;nekjteoi
a;lktja;o4iejt akerhlkaejfjhf!!!!

All right - my very own Pooper Scooper(tm)!
*slides card into wallet (next to blotter)*
*sticks head into garbage bag, opens white-out*

Hey Christobol:
Now that, that was !@#$ funny :)

Confidential to Scoot: Put the white-out IN the garbage bag first, dude!


Take a simple word like "ponder"
Shouldn't it logically rhyme with wonder?
But ponder more closely rhymes with wander,
with wonder left to rhyme with plunder.
And go back to that simple word "though:"
Add an "r" and you have "through"
Which naturally carries the sound of threw,
whose past tense obviously, is throw,
which rhymes so nicely with words like though.
But take out the "h" and you have tough!
Had enough? This is rough stuff.
But the "ou" is supposed to sound like “ow”
Out doubt clout, with the “ow” in Bow wow
But that causes trouble, as you certainly know
Because Bow can be pronounced as a beautiful Bow
And then I notice other words
Like route - depends on what you’ve heard!
Is Route like doubt, or route like root?
The route is in doubt,
but the route’s in pursuit.
And why does root rhyme with pursuit
When the word soot rhymes better with put?
Ah English! The language, oh! clever
I shall be the master of it, never!
With knotty and naughty thrown in to tease
Not I, to grasp these words with ease!

Four nou eye M sew mutch cunfoosed
Migh hoald ahn the languidge I half lused.
A lass! It hazz gawn az aye rime four yew
And sew eye dew bidd yew a fahnd adieu!

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