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September 28, 2004

WHEN PEOPLE ASK US IF WE ARE WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THIS ONCE-GREAT NATION

We answer, simply, yes.

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Primero.

I just bought my brother a 64 fl. oz. bottle of beer.... I think he will singlehandedly turn that trend around come Friday!

(Did you even know they made bottles of beer that big?)

Ocho cervezas, por favor, una para elle, una para mi, una para Dave Barry, y el resto para los Capitol Hill staffers.

It's not like I haven't been doing my part. I contribute to the beer industry daily.

Oh, and give me a few hours and elle and we'll reverse that trend worldwide. The staffers can provide moral support.

Did you guys see the headline at the right? "Man dies after pet hamster bites him".

Those terrorist bastards are using hamsters!!

Mmmmm... Hamster's pretty tasty with beer. Maybe we could solve two problems!

Und ein beir, zu hier zu trinken, bitte!

Per B.Ohner's article....

Good thing she doesn't swallow.

Can't he just um... you know, pull out... at the last second?

elle, hard to recognize her without pink hair.

Polly...Kudos on a solo pic with his Daveness. He was in WI?

The sex she could no longer do
but don't worry, she can still swallow,
But her husband, he can still view
The ramparts in which she did wallow!

Well, that might explain the swelling she's got there. Maybe she should just drink more beer.

Statistics can be misleading. Are they talking about Americans drinking in America? I think if we take our fighting boys into account that might in fact cover the 0.3% decline.

Heh. "I would help fight the terrorists, but I can't quite make the ground focus."

Plus all of the newly 18-year-old kids who buy beer in Canada... unless they've switched to something else these days.

0.3%? So instead of 8,000,000,000,000,000 gallons, it's only 7,976,000,000,000,000 gallons. Horrors!

Likely it is the case that market share is being stolen by all those new "hard" coolaid drinks.

I think we need to call congress and have them commission a study.

Hey, the drinking age in Canada is NINETEEN, thank you very much. It's not like we're trying to corrupt MINORS or anything here.

OK OK but dammit, if I switch back to beer the vintners will all resume calling the house in their pleading, panicked voices...

"Booze: it's more efficient"

Made me spit out my beer, wine and vodka all over my keyboard!

Deontologist,

Thanks! Yeah, Dave was in Wisconsin last Saturday. It was pretty fun.

It's the carbs. People are running from the carbs. Well y'know what? Someday we're gonna wake up to headlines screaming "NO! WAIT! WE WERE WRONG! CARBS ARE GOOD!"...then there shall be no more beer fear and all will be well with the world.

Beer fear. . . there's a good tagline.

"Don't fear beer! It's more efficient!"

Thus it it that I have sequested myself and a team of crack scientist in the subterranean Mines of Moistica for our top-secret work on CholestoCarbs - a line of food product for the 21st century made entirely out of naturally-occuring cholesterol and pure refined sugars !

Soon we are making CholestoCarbs knowdown style. Then we are world be taking. I make the warning to you for yesterday so you are best known.

You won't find a more fun group of folks than Crack Scientists.

That would certainly make the research presentations more interesting. . .

"And here you see that when we combine these two sugars, the lights start to spin and you can't stand up any more."

First Krispy Kreme profits plummet, now this? I've always thought the Atkins diet was a terrible thing. I am getting more proof every day. Boycott Atkins! And to a lesser extent South Beach! It is a call to arms, my friends!

Thought it was a call to carbs, my friends!

I consume carbs....so it's a call to flabby arms.

"doctors discovered the model had developed an extremely rare allergic reaction to her husband's semen."

Ick, elle, way too much information. (But I must admit: nice ramparts.)

And Crack Scientists wbagnfarb

umm ... elle? Do you say that because I look like her ... or because of the allergy to sex, semen and latex.

I wonder if Zyrtec would work for that ...

Crack Scientists or Scientists on Crack?

Wait a sec...Scientists on Crack probably came up with the Atkins diet in the first place. Eat all the fat you want, but the scientists failed to realize that without their crack, there was no weight loss.

Yeah. The guy who invented the whole thing was overweight after following his own diet. And along with protein in meat comes the extra fat that isn't in carbs. If you exercise and eat a little bit of both you'll be fine.

Somebody spread the rumor that carbs are good, and watch what happens.

The bottom line, I guess, is that extremism is downright frightening.

The good news about all these crack babies cutting down on beer in order to save carbs is ... now there is MORE FOR DAVE!

*clink*

An allergy to sex? Darn, and I thought *I* was the one with bad allergies. That has to suck.

Allergy to sex ... last time I checked, I wasn't ... but, you know, it's been so long, I could be. Maybe I should call my allergist and get that checked out ...

I'm thinkin' my insurance plan probably won't cover this allergy test ...

What REALLY sucks is when a person has to hear 'Oh, yes....YES! OhhhhhhhhhhhCHOOOOOOOO!'

These story lines converge - see, a lot of women are allergic to sex with their husbands UNTIL enough beer is applied.

"Not tonight honey, I'm allergic to you."
"Oh come on! Would it kill you to give me some monkey lovin'?"
"Uh, yes."
"How fast?"

Maybe it's because of the crappy beer cozies they have now

Crack Scientist here are most alarmed at research project on cyrogenic cooling leaking out to world in such a small time as this of the crappy beer cozies.

We offer most generous 10,000 yen reward for information leading to the apprehension of this information criminal.

We want to wipe this sort of thing off the face of the earth.

Sick! Designed by AA, no doubt.

I don't know what the big doo is about beer cozies.

Oh no! A whole point-three percent! That's funny, cause I'd think with the way our government is going more people would be trying to stay drunk all the time.

I don't know what a URL is, but I do think that "Scientists on Crack" is, as Dave would say, a great name for a rock band! Thanks for listening. cici

Umm I will requisition the needed supplies for this research immediately.

Line forms here for study participants======>

I'll be the laboratory assistant....which would make me a mad crack lab ass.

I'm proud to report that I'm contributing to the Most Beer Consumed per Capita IN THE WORLD by being in the Czech Republic. We even out drank Germany ... which is having its Octoberfest this week ...

And in the Wild, Wild, World of Sex ... I remember getting the ..rash ... the headaches, dizziness and shortness of breath BEFORE the Sex. What's this after crap?

And if he's using the condom, how does being allergic to his semen come into play???? MAD!?

... more questions than answers .... good reporting? You decide!

rash ... the headaches, dizziness and shortness of breath

Aren't those textbook symptoms of some kind of STD? And he got her to believe she was allergic to his product.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Alright, I've had it. Low-carb has to go. Krispy Kreme, Twinkies, and now booze? Enough already! Let's take action.
Still waiting for an idea though.

Can you bring Mrs. Lima, Rita?

Bravo MKJ!!

Yes well, in the Czech Republic, you could buy all 8,000,000,000,000,000 gallons of beer for $1.50

I don't get it. People are slowing down their consumption of poisonous, noxious substances that taste awful...and this is a bad thing?

I'll be the laboratory assistant....which would make me a mad crack lab ass. (MeganBNL)

And don't I recognize that name from another board? Tee hee

Rita, I'm up for that. I'm not to fond of beer though; any chance I can get a wine cooler or something (high carb, of course!)? I will gladly devour the Twinkies & donuts and anything else that's sweet and fattening.

MKJ - BOO ! Old joke. Older than your name.

JCT, I'm not a big fan of beer myself, but wine, rum, orange vodka, tequila, and gin are all good friends of mine, so choose whatever drink you like.

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