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September 30, 2004

UPDATE

Ridley and I have -- Don't tell anybody! -- managed to escape from the book tour. I'm now back home, and the good news is that, incredibly, there is no hurricane approaching. The bad news is, there is a presidential debate approaching. We have purchased canned food, and I am firing up the generator.

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First?

Second "First"?

eeeeeexcellent!

Canned food is all well and good, Dave - but I think you'd be better off with beer. The whole ordeal might make more sense that way.

The difference between a hurricane and a debate is that one is a load of destructive swirling hot air, and the other is a meteorological event.

Don't forget to gird and brace. Debates are known to pack winds as well as hurricanes.

(off-topic, just saw this again and thot I'd post it)

Stuff we learned from the movies:

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in them either.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

Its just one swirling vortex of flotsom and jetsam
followed by another for you guys!

Tina - give me a second to remove myself from said lawn chair, please....

Good one, D'art
Since I don't have TV, I will be watching the debate in the gym, given that I can get these Louisvillians to not watch basketball for a whole hour. It will be good to watch in the gym because there will be immediate access to get out my anger and frustrations that I know I will get from watching it. I'll just have to be careful not to throw the dumbells at the dumbells on the TV.

I just like to see the candidates all dolled up in their makeup. I'm pretty sure that whoever did Gore's cheeks last time lost the election for him. Nobody wants a Campbell's Soup Kid for a president.

It's okay to fire up a generator during a presidential debate, just don't light a match.

WBAGNFARB - Would be a good name for a rock band? Hey, I only LOOK this stupid....

I think that it may start out as a debate, but end up as a fist fight and a riot. These boys can't play nice with each other.

If it turns into a fist fight, I'm guessing that Dubya will have his Dad step in and have him excused.

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven pulls them down on his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter.'"

I think a little GW/John Kerry Smackdown would be some fun post-debate entertainment.

If Zell Miller were planning the debate, it would be a duel, complete with glove-smacking goodness.

Totally off-topic but I just had to share the disturbing news that I just read that there is something called "Romeo and Juliet on Ice." And here I was, thinking that the 17% of the American population who think that the end of the world will be in their lifetime were crazy. Now I think they have their first piece of evidence.

kerry will finally get to show off his new FLOPPERTONE tan on national television.

*smirk*

Miriam: Yet another sign of the Apocalypse approaching. Watch for the Four Horsemen

(cue Die Valkyrie: da da da-da DA dum, da da da DA dum . . . )

I want to see actual mudslinging. Not with words, MUD.

Ho-ya-ta-ho!

*Drip*

Maybe we could get Dubya and Kerry to debate on skates...and then throw Tanya Harding in, just to shake things up a bit.

I'll be watching the debate here in Canadia, and thanking the dear Lord that neither of those guys will be MY next President. On the other hand, this handy US Citizenship that I have allows me to vote, thereby helping to put someone in power that I don't have to pay taxes to.

Anyone want to help me make up my mind? I'll give a pack of Canadian Smarties to the person with the best reason for why I should vote for their candidate of choice (this includes candidates who may or may not be on the actual ballot).

Remember to include Jeff Gillooly

::snickers::Gillooly

crash - who's Jeff Gillooly?

::3 musketeers:: Gillooly

Rachel - Don't even think twice...it's Dave all the way!

Rachel, I'm voting for Jimmy Buffet.

Gillooly was the thug ex-husband that did the dirty knee knocking!

Naturally, Dave is the default candidate of choice. However, Jimmy Buffet also looks tempting. Especially after that Alexandria Country Day School incident...

*wastin' away in Margaritaville...*

I say Dave for President, and Jimmy for Vice!

"Gillooly was the thug ex-husband that did the dirty knee knocking!"

Oh, well then he might be a lot of fun at the debate. He'll been bashing Tonya Harding's knees, right?

The Dirty Knee Knockers wbagnfarb

I say we lock them in a room, toss in a whole mess of things that you can get a good swing with (cricket bats, hockey sticks, police batons, etc) - lock the door and walk away...

Oh, there's a debate on too....


Good thing my idea works either way...

Tina - good thing you didn't say it, then. Wouldn't want to break the rules of the blog. Your (not you're) raised eyebrow and whistle have been noted, however.

And if we threw Don Johnson into that mix...

Rachel - Actually, the knee-knocked victim was Nancy Kerrigan. Harding was Gillooly's girl.

BJ (heehee) - Yeah, I know it was Kerrigan. I was just hoping that the trailer trash might finally get what's coming to her.

crash - I deliberately left Don Johnson OUT of that mix because I think he's a creep.

I'd vote for him for President, though, if he ran against the other options this year (except for Dave, of course)!

Well let's face it: no one's really voting for Kerry this year. They're (not their) voting against Bush. Which I don't generally condone, but in this case I'm happy to make an exception!

Please excuse the return to topic for a moment: Dave and Ridley, thanks for the book tour! It was great meeting both of you and having a reason to meet my other local bloglits!

I propose anytime we hear BS tonight on the debate we all yell "Boogers!" and see if it can be heard nationwide...

crash & Rachel, if you do write in Jimmy make sure you spell it correctly: 2 "t"s in Buffett.

Frankly, I'm not sure a hurricane wouldn't be preferable. I'm using the elle method. Skoal!

Trying to get Christopher Walken out of your head is equally as difficult as trying to get the theme song to Miami Vice out of your head. Combined, they = a migraine headache.

**Walken's scary mug glares at me while double-exposed, the fast-moving waters off Miami Beach fly by as I experience the sensation of riding in a speedboat next to a man wearing shades, a white blazer and a thin pink necktie**

One time I met Christopher Walken.

I'm sorry, that's a lie - I was just trying to impress you.

Damn.

Love,
Jason Mulgrew
Internet Quasi-Celebrity

If we all fire up our generators and electric can openers, maybe that could be heard nationwide. Or at least drown out the debate. ( as well as any extraneous bad songs clanking around inside your head )

I HATE TYPOS that make me look stupid.

I think for this debate the proper term would be Ketchup Slinging.

A loving dedication to the debate, from the wordinating pronounceifying nukalar powered Mr. W. Bush.

Bush:
At first I was afraid, I would get tongue-tied
Kept thinkin' I could never speak without a cue-card guide
Then I spent so many nights with my debate writer staff
And I raised graft
But I can’t help but get a laugh.

And so you’d like to take my place,
I just stepped up to find you there, with that perma-tan upon your face
I should have stopped that stupid war
I should have lessened poverty
If I had known for just one second you'd be here to debate me

Go on now, go change your stance
I know you’ll flounder
'Cuz I don’t think you’ve got a chance
Weren't you the one who flip-flopped on every single try?
Did you think I'm stupid?
Even though my aides tie my tie?
Oh no not I, I will survive
For as long as I bomb brown people, I know we’ll stay alive
I've got oil money to spend
I've got American troops to send
I'll survive
We will survive
Hey hey

(I, I will survive)
Hey hey
(I, I will survive)
Every day
(I, I will survive)
Oh yeah

It takes all the sense I have to pronounce my lines
I just mailed the liberal media some strap-on spines
And I spent oh so much cash, searching for WMD’s
I was entranced, but now I’m pissed I blew my chance.
So go ahead, try to run the show
I'm not that stubborn cowboy whacko that you used to know
And so you felt like dropping in and just think it’s so easy
But I’ll never give up guys, don’t vote for wussy: John Kerry!

Go on now, you liberal whore
Just give it up now
We’re not in New England anymore
Even though the federal deficit is the biggest in history,
You know I can’t count,
Did you think I’d let money bother me?
Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh as long money rules the world, I know that I'll be fine,
I’m a white guy in a suite
I control all the loot,
I will survive
At least I’ll try!
Hey hey

Federal Duck - that was tremendous! You should record that karaoke style.

Jeff M. - no, I want Jimmy Buffet for President. I like to eat a lot for a fixed price.

AWESOME!!!!!

Bombing Brown People WBAGNFAConservativeRB

*golf clap for Federal Duck/Drake/Mallard*

Now I have that earwig....

and the crowd goes wild! - well done Fed Duck.

Excellent, Federal Duck!!! LOL.

On a (slightly) related topic, can someone explain to me where and why the parties got their animal symbols??? What does an elephant have to do with anything? And is the Democrat party animal supposed to be a jackass??? Why would they choose a jackass???

Also, what on earth does GOP stand for? Do you pronounce it Gawp? It sounds like a name fourth-grade kids call other fourth-grade kids - the ones who drool, trip a lot and are bad at sports.

In fourth grade our insults usually centered around boogers.

GOP = Grand O'le Party

Probably dates back to Reconstruction times, or Depression Era.

Symbols? Got me.

Thank you, kibby. Was the Republican party formed in Nashville by chance??

Political Animals
Grand Ole Party

GOP is pronounced "gee-oh-pee" and stands for "Grand Ol' Party" which is pretty silly because none of them know how to party (except for the twins) or at least don't admit that they used to know how to party.

On a Saturday night, rhealist.

Fed Duck - When reading that, I couldn't get the image of Bush walking on a disco floor with lights flashing all over the place and suddenly getting dropped on by a huge disco ball. You and Cbol need to get together and start writing songs. You could become famous ala Weird Al!

As for my candidates of choice, I don't believe there has ever been a better set than Bill the Cat and Opus. But that's just me. They couldn't do any worse to mess up the country than the past two decades worth of presidents.

Too bad we can't bring back Reagan.

That's about the size of it, Dave. For my presidential/vice presidential picks, I think Race Bannon and Dr. Benton Quest would be my faves.

Read all about it in my blog!

Sue Ellen

haha that Harvey Birdman was THE BEST.

MOTW: Thanks for the link. Clears up a long-standing question.

I suppose the Republican party should be grateful the cartoonist chose an elephant instead of, say, a snake, black widow spider, hyena, trained seal... actually this is sort of fun. I'm sitting here thinking what animals WOULD best represent the parties...

About the symbols, yes I think there are a lot of Democrats that are jackasses, but I don't think many Republicans are elephants, sooo...

Maybe they should both be jackasses?

Democrats - Fish out of water
Republicans - a Dim Lightbulb....ok thats not an animal...sorry

I don't know, since all politicians are self-serving scum, I think some sort belly-slithering critters would be the most appropriate.

My first post to tell Brainy Jello that you made my day! If I understand the *golf clap* correctly, you derserve one.

Here's another preview of tonights debate

Hey - Bigonbnl - did you hear that Fox has signed them to do a variety show? I don't know when it will air, but how fun it should be!

OK, Hippos like to wallow in mud, are extremely bad-tempered, and are known to pre-emptively strike at any other species entering their territory. So, Republican???

Bonobo monkeys are perhaps the most highly sexualized species on earth. They resolve most conflicts with group orgies. So, Democrats???

Imperfect, but I'm still thinking...

Dave needs an animal logo too! I'm thinking... a dog. Perhaps Ernest. Or Zippy.

CAR!

Now now, DJ, you don't want to be a little snitch, do you?

KIBBY! Stop using such dirty language or I'll put you on an inner tube and drag you behind my car down the interstate!

Now now, DJ, you don't want to be a little snitch, do you?

KIBBY! Stop using such dirty language or I'll put you on an inner tube and drag you behind my car down the interstate!

I THINK it was Letterman (may have been Leno) who had this to say about the debate:

"The first presidential debate will be held in Miami....Hasn't Florida suffered ENOUGH?!"

Aw man, gave away my identity. The thing posts your comment, like, 2 seconds after you press "Post", the rest of the time must just be reloading.

*turns toward djt*

Phftttttttt!

Wait til I get you in the sand box!

Sorry, too lazy to do fancy html posting of link.

DjT, Is that Jungle-Jim you climbed on top of?

If so I'll leave you t(w)o it, if not I'm climbing on up to share a moatarita with ya.

DJT - was I around? Dude, I was the person that happened to that started the whole thing!

Seriously! But now the problem seems to be fixed:

CAR
Lily's Handycart TM
cartwheel
Dana Carvey
Scar
Carlito's Way

...etcartera...

Thank you Kibby!

Kibby - yes it should be. And btw, having looked at some of the other stories in the Top-10, I think it should have been higher up on the list.

That's okay, DJT, I really should post more often. Then you guys would remember me. :)

The "mind works like lightning" quote is pretty good.

My mind works like intestines. Always full of crap I don't need.

Kibby - thanks for the link. What was it to? Seems like a random thread about cheetos.

Djt- Thanks pal.

*Gulps Moatarita*

*Slight brain freeze*

Ow....aaaahh

*Moatarita kicks in*

You know Jungle George, Jungle Jim, whatever, as looong as you get to swing on his vine I'm sure it really doesn't matter too much, huh?

Ooh.

Me Jane.

You Tarzan?

*bats eyelashes and adjusts coconut bra for better spillage*

[approches other kids with a piece of rope]

Hey all. Mr. Burroughs says I can kill a lion with this. Fish, why don't you try first.

Kibby, how is seeing more Chris Walken supposed to cure me of my visions of CW? Though admittedly I do like Fatboy Slim.

**trying to replace creepy visage of CW with soothing and beautiful image of Brendan Fraser in a loincloth....mmmmmm...working....**

Cher was looking for you.

2004 9:08 AM
Subject: Weather Alert


The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan, Charley, Frances and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore
highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years.


They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush.

How did Tarzan or George or Jim get out of Cher's cage?
Twinkies.

Hi everyone!

Federal Duck - awesome! You're my new hero.

Bangi - Hi. We used to have a Coke product called Jolt. The commercial said "just like Coke with twice the caffeine". Want one?

** Hands Bangi a can **

SURGE!!!! was nasty fun.

Know what'd help that debate?


More cowbell.

Equally amusing as the Top 10 headlines, featuring the giant Cheeto, was the ad at the bottom. It was for a towing company. It reads: "We meet by accident."

I know what would help that debate. Having participants with at least average intelligence.

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