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September 22, 2004

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using gun-toting armadillos.

(Thanks to many people)

Comments

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Gun Toting Armadillos wbagnfarb.

How the sexual loave upsurge be able to attain?

How indeed . . .

I actually hit an armadillo in TX once and darn near blew up my car. Those things are dangerous, and I feel the Federal Government isn't using them to their full military capacity.

'It is illegal to import armadillos without a permit.' ...

hello, I'd like an armadillo permit please.

sorry, we can only issue halibut permits.
you have to go to the special spiny armored animal bureau, in adelaide. does your armadillo have a name, then?? Eric is taken.

who sends mounted armadillos through the mail anyway?

Notice, I didn't say I hit the armadillo *with* my car. I actually hit it with my hand, and then randomly decided to try to blow up my car. I get bored sometimes; you know how it is...
Neener.

Perhaps the gun-toting armadillos could fill in for the tired scarecows in national parks...

Hey Fed, I'm coming after you. Got a gun now. AND a sheriff's badge.

When gun-toting armadillos are outlawed, only outlaws will have gun-toting armadillos.

Just wait till U.S. Customs stops the first taxidermized, gun-toting koala being shipped from Australia.

This product is the once only health card temperament and interest articles.
Please don't repeatedly emplay afterwards the use.

Rachel
In the name of equal time and fair play, I demand that someone create a figurine of a donkey violating an armadillo.

Lairbo
We don't have to portray donkeys in such a negative light. Everyone already knows that they're asses.

*runs for cover*

How 'bout a plecostamus?

*Throws a stuffed, beer-drinking, gun-toting, donkey-violating armadillo at Rachel and Lairbo*

Oh stuff it, Federal Duck! :)

OUCH!

Clearly the CITE people do not understand capitalism.

By creating a worldwide demand for armadillos dressed as cowboys and mounted on boards, economic incentives result in a wave of armadillo ranches springing up throughout the American Southwest.

Soon, America's GNP doubles as the global mounted armadillo market explodes, and tax revenues from armadillo operations allow the US to eliminate the Ted Kennedy liquor deficit while armadillos move from the endangered list to the plenty-of-them list to the you-can-shoot-
the-annoying-pests-for-fun list.

I want to know who'se going around stuffing all these armadillos?

(of course, that's a lot funnier if you realize that "stuffing" is a euphamism in Britain for having sex...)

OK, wait a minute. I am totally not understanding this article. It's a gun-toting taxidermic stuffed animal, right? So, the armadillo is dead, right? And the gun it is holding is fake, right?

So what's the problem with Customs? It's illegal to import even a dead armadillo? I mean, it's not like it's going to breed and threaten the native animals or anything. And even if it's holding a real gun (and I'm not entirely sure how an armadillo's hand can hold a gun in the first place), it ain't going to be shooting anything.

This story makes no sense to me. Which, of course, makes it a perfect story for this blog!

Christobol,

Unfortunately, that's how the armadillos got to TX in the first place. A long time ago, my associates and I had the idea to breed armadillos for use as pack mules in the great felt mines of southern texas. We envisioned huge armadillo ranches stretching as far as the nose could smell (as far as the eye can see hadn't been invented yet).
Everything was planned perfectly, until one fateful night, a storm knocked out the power generators that supported the electrified fences around Armadillo Park. We believe that our IT guy was planning to sell armadillo embryos on the black market, but this is unproven due to his untimely demise in the Great Armadillo Revolution that ensued.
Our hopes were dashed, and even sprinkled, and we abandoned the armadillos to have their way with Texas, which is still evident today.
Neener.

Sure wish they had a photo of the little guy.

A stuffed and armed armadillo would make one heck of a screensaver ...

I didn't know that, Higgy.

Well, that explains why our English foreign exchange student sprayed sweet potates all over the Thanksgiving table when my sister asked him if he wanted stuffing.

We just thought he didn't like American food.

Punky, ask and ye shall recieve.

Graz ... do I still have two wishes left?

*hands in pants*

"What the hell are you doing?"
"Erm..struggling manfully?"
"Just run the frikken TPS reports, ok?"
"Yes sir."

Mahatma, all I can say is WTF? "Till doesn not sober up." That says it all.

Graz, thanks! Great, great picture! I gotta get me one of them. Is importing them to New York legal?

Of course Stuffed Armadillos would also bagnfarb, though not as good a name as Gun-Toting Armadillos.

Rache
I say we pool our resources and come up with a Stufffed Federal Duck bath toy. Guns optional, as is the companion armadillo it could violate. (Batteries not included.)

Punky, yes, but the old "wish rules" apply.

1.)You can't use a wish to wish for more wishes.

b.)You can't wish for me to be at your beck and call forever. (There is some gray wording in the rule book for this one, so it may be possible.)

pi.)Any wish pertaining to the use of naphtha and sauerkraut must conform to federal regulatory laws.

and lastly....
$.) I retain the right to earn 17% of the gross sales from any videos, books, photo albums, and demented daydreams resulting from said wishes.

ok, I have been reading this blog on and off for a few weeks now... but I havn't quite translated this one...

bagnfarb

(would) be a good name for a rock band...

a reference to something Dave wrote in a column way back in 1492......or was that 1776?

bagnfarb = be a good name for a rock band

sometimes also seen as wbagnfarb = would be a good name for a rock band

Ok, thanx! Guess I should of figured that out. I have read enough Dave Barry to have seen that phrase a few hundred times. Dave should make a book of "Good Rockband Names" haha

FedDuck
Isn't "How the Armadillo Got to Texas" a children's book based on an old Hopi legend? If it isn't, it should be. Maybe that's Dave and Ridley's next project together.

Lairbo - I'm in! Granted, my "resources" consist only of a stuffed gun-toting armadillo that I couldn't get through customs in Australia.

Jeff: This is the conundum that people probed and can not undo always.

Rache
Okay, then. The gun-toting, stuffed armadillo will be a big help, actually. It'll be our advance, er man(?) when we scout offshore sweatshop locations. I'm thinking Staten Island for starters or, barring that, Catalina.

Catalina sounds good. They have yummy salad dressing.

Graz: regarding sub-paragraph pi), I always thought it was "..must conform to federal legal regulations". Am I wrong or is it perhaps just a regional difference?

Damn, another lost post here.

Lairbo, if Staten Island proves too challenging we could try Riker's.

MzVette, check davebarry.com or the Yahoo! ReMOAT group where someone (can't remember who and too lazy to go check) posted a list of our good names for bands suggestions.

MKJ... was that eBay link the result of the experiment where you put 100 monkeys in a room with 100 typewriters and they replicate War & Peace? If it is they're not quite there yet, but at least some of the words are recognisable, even if the sentences make no sense

Kat: How did you know?

I'd say there are too many armed dildoes.

Query: was the picture of the gun-toting, stuffed armadillo taken before or after his acceptance speech at the RNC?

Am I the only one who thought that it was a stuffed toy armadillo at first? I wasn't thinking taxidermy.

enzed
Yeah, I got that impression, too. And I still don't get why a Texas armadillo violates Aussie wildlife protection laws. Since when were U.S. armadillos protected by Australian law? Are they going to try to prosecute the taxidermist, too?

"It is illegal to import armadillos without a permit."
"Customs said the importation breached wildlife protection laws."

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