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September 24, 2004

NEWS FLASH

(Thanks to Mac)

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No sh*t.

Next shocking survey headline suggestion anyone?

Overwieght people eat more!
Sun rises in the morning!
Dave Barry Bloggits are mentally disturbed!

And here I was searching for happiness through the difficult and strenuous journey of enlightenment and self reflection ... when all along it was in my wallet.

*tosses dog-eared copies of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and Many Lives, Many Masters out the window*

Humorous things leading cause of laughter. Film at 11.

One of her five grown children has Down syndrome and still lives with Kelley and her husband of 47 years, a retired military pilot.

But she doesn't view that as a hardship.

"We feel like we're truly blessed," she said.

My comment is on a more serious note. Ever wonder how many people who have what society calls 'imperfect' or 'handicapped' children never see those kids as imperfect or problematic? The strength of those couples just amazes me. God bless them.

How many times have you heard someone say
"If I had his money, I could do things my way"?
But little they know that it's so hard to find
One rich man in ten with a satisfied mind.

Once I was waitin' for fortune and fame
Everything that I dreamed for to get a start in life's game
Then suddenly it happened, I lost every dime
But I'm richer by far with a satisfied mind

Money can't buy back your youth when you're old
Or a friend when you're lonely, or a love that's grown cold
The wealthiest person is a pauper at times
Compared to the man with a satisfied mind

When my life is ended, my time has run out
My trials and my loved ones, I'll leave them no doubt
But one thing's for certain, when it comes my time
I'll leave this old world with a satisfied mind
I'll leave this old world with a satisfied mind

-- Rhodes & Hayes

Dave: Aye, but we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Riley: Because we were poor! My old dad used to say to me: Money doesn't buy you happiness!
Dave: Aye, he was right, I was happier then and I had nothing. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.

Love that, Gregg!

More headlines:

Air better than water for breathing.
Fire is actually hot.

etc, etc...

Schneegestoeber = "be erect, she's gone"

also "he greets obscene"

Money can't buy back your youth when you're old
Or a friend when you're lonely, or a love that's grown cold
The wealthiest person is a pauper at times
Compared to the man with a satisfied mind

Yea, but when you want that shiny new 56" plasma HDTV, money sure comes in handy!

Frankly, I'd like to be rich and then make the comparison.....then I'll tell you when I'm happier.

LOL, Tina.

Cute.

Hey Higgy ... I went to the taping of Wait, Wait, Don't tell me on NPR and they were talking about a research project that was done that tested whether the viscosity of a liquid effected the speed of which humans can swim?

Results showed that humans swim just as fast in Guar Gum (which is about the equivalent of swimming thru snot) as they do in water ...

Who does that?!

Isn't guar gum in my ice cream?

*Looks suspiciously at milkshake.*

I don't want to eat something snotty.

*wrinkles nose*

I would not, could not, swim through snot.

Yup ... Guar Gum is in everything ... including shampoo and salad dressing. Yum Yum.

Personally, I'd rather swim through Jell-O.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can rent it until such time as you are dead.

punky, that is interesting. Now, why didn't they use guar gum in Athens this summer?

* thumbs thru foreign Greek to English dictionary *

tipiyotki noun -
1. an expression of joy or encouragement
2. or anger or frustration
3. fast food mystery meat (see goat innards)
4. guar gum

Oh. They did. Nevermind.

I guess Mick Jagger wasn't seeing too much money for awhile.

Oops... sorry Tina!

Guar Gum is the main export from the Isle of Viscous Liquid (aka, Snot).

Always save your money, kids! Don't end up like me, living in a VAN down by the RIVER!

*ducks behind elle, starts making corn rows out of blonde hair*

's okay, Tiny. We're a very forgiving bunch.

Rita, there's more than one way to be rich, that's what I always say.

Gross!!! I'm eating endosperm!!!

*Take milkshake to trash. Stops.*

((Shrugs))

*Resumes drinking endosperm milkshake.*

I've done worse...

BLONDE JOKE

A blonde, elle, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says elle, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. Elle gets some extra blogging done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says elle. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

I wish the endosperm I've swallowed in the past tasted like a milkshake!!!!!!

Just slightly off topic:

Carnuba Wax....good for waxing skis and also (wait for it)..it's one of the ingredients in smarties!

Mmmmmmm

Punky,
Hmmm...in my experience, endosperm always tasted like milkshake.

Odd...

I've heard endosperm flavor can be altered by what the guar plant ingested prior to donating.

HAAAA!!!

*points finger accusingly at Zoodle*

Zoodle has just revealed him/herself to be Canadian!

Flushed another one!

(Smarties don't exist in these United States of America)

duh...I'm never really happy when I'm broke.

Polly said: "I've heard endosperm flavor can be altered by what the guar plant ingested prior to donating"

Ha! Very cute.

I've heard the same thing.

Punky! *snork!*

Polly...
If you're referring to the candies, I beg do differ. I get them all the time at Halloween.

Of course, you could be referring to American humans, in which case you'd be right.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAD SCIENTIST!!!

I knew a girl once who swore that if Rolling Rock was ingested first, then the endosperm flavor was improved...

When she showed up at my door with a 12-pack of Rolling Rock, I knew she was just looking for donations...

Swear to Dave, true story...

Polly
We also have delicious Coffee Crisp bars up here thanks to our friends at Nestle - combining the deliciousness of caffine with excessive amounts of sugar. In bar form!!!

Higgy ... that's hysterical.

She sounds like one of those shy types.

I don't want to be rich....I would just like to have all of the money spent on these stupid surveys.

Wait a minute....then I WOULD be rich.

Well, that's OK, too.

If you think money doesn't buy you happiness, try buying it with poverty. - (PJ O'Rourke)

It's not the money, it's the stuff I can buy with the money - (my friend Squid)

They say that money
can't buy love in this world
But it gets you a half pound of cocaine
And a sixteen year old girl
A great big long limosine
On a hot September night
Now that may not be love
But it feels alright

- Randy Newman "It's Money That I Love"

SchadeBoy:

Polly...
If you're referring to the candies, I beg do differ. I get them all the time at Halloween.

Of course, you could be referring to American humans, in which case you'd be right.

The horrid little bits of chalk you get at Halloween are referred to as Rockets in Canada. Smarties are a candy covered chocolate type of thing that I misss ... sniff ... amongst other things.

This just in from The Department of the Obvious

Poll: Having Money Helps With Satisfaction

Film at 11.

Cbol ... PJ O'Rourke was one of the panelists on "Wait, Wait, Don't tell me" last night. It was cool to watch them tape a Radio show ... they were all very funny.

Canada's Smarties are the equivalent of M&Ms. (But they're made by Nestle and they taste a lot better, IMO)

I guess we DO have Smarties here. I forgot about those fruity little things.

Canada's Smarties sound better.

Punky - that's cool you got to watch a taping. That's a great show and PJ is a semi-regular. He's fabulously smart and funny. I recommend his books to everyone, except those who can't read, or who hate smart funny stuff, or the Dutch.

I got to watch a taping of A Prairie Home Companion at the Fitzgerald Theater in downtown St. Paul, MN, when I lived there.

Garrison Keeler is fantastic. And it was so amazing watching the cast doing all the sound effects and stuff...

Dude, got crayolas?

highlight of my life was singing 'tell me why' with garrison keillor in a miami book fair auditorium.... :)

And when I was at the University of Minnesota, he (Garrison Keeler) came to read part of a book he'd just written. Afterward, he took questions and it was AMAZING. Somebody asked him about when he was a student here and he told these amazing stories...just like the News From Lake Wobegon...off the top of his head.

The man is brilliant.

Oh, how cool, Judi!!! I bet he's fun to hang out with.

*volunteers as donor for endorsperm studies*

Oops, that should be endosperm, not endorsperm. Endorsperm is what Ewoks produce.

Highlights in life? Let's see... there was last year in Boston when James Taylor and Ray Charles and Bonnie Raitt and Elton John were together taping Ray's last songs, and they asked me to hang out with them and goof around ... and then Steve Martin came in and we wrote a skit together and then Joni Mitchell called to say she was thinking of me and the heavens parted and a choir of angels came down to give me a snickers bar.

But your highlight sounds good, too, judi.

Smarties are originally English, surely, not Canadian, right Higgy? (I know, don't call you Shirley.)

They are tasty enough to be originally English but they are sold in abundance in Canada. My kids miss them terribly. (Okay its really ME that misses them ... but kids a good excuse for so many behaviours!)

Re: P.J. O'Rourke:
I can't remember which book it's in, but he metioned taping a show with Dave, about whom he said something along the lines of, "Dave Barry, who would be a great guy if he weren't so much funnier than I am."

I thought it was a nice thing to say.

Come to think of it, kids are a prevention of so many behaviours as well.

Polly: Yup..100% Canadian and proud of it.

And I was most definately referring to Smarties as in, chocolate with candy coating, and NOT Rockets (Blechhh).

Hee hee!

Nope! Never heard that one, Peri!

Do you know, "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down"?

Just to clarify for the Americans:

We have M&Ms in Canada too. M&Ms are more chocolatey than Smarties, but Smarties are sweeter. I personally prefer M&Ms, but Canadian Smarties are still way better than American Smarties (called "Rockets" up here).

Another thing that Americans don't have that the rest of the world does is Kinder Surprise Eggs. Your Food and Drug Administration won't allow them in the States, but its a yummy chocolate/white chocolate hollow egg (just a little bigger than a regular egg) that has a plastic capsule inside which contains a toy that you can assemble. Those things rock. Write letters to the FDA to complain about the lack of them in the US, because they are, IMHO, the best candy to be made EVER.

Vanilla Smarties? Time to take a trip home :)

Zoodle: Ditto on the Rockets!

Peri - I NEVER eat the red ones last!

We also just got "Sundae Smarties" - they're flavours like "orange sherbet" and "banana" and of course "chocolate".

By "we", I mean Canada. Are you from Canadia or elsewhere?

I'm from Toronto.

"Eat that candy-coated chocolate but tell me when I ask..."

*goes in search of chocolate*

Highlights of my life ...

Skydiving from 12,000 feet ... that was pretty cool. I have it on video ... I watch it when I want to remember how crazy I was in my early 20s.

White Water Rafting on Category 5 rapids and having the raft flip and riding out the rapids in the water while using my feet to careen off of rocks so I didn't get killed on one. Scary, but so exciting, I would have died happy!

I've had other highlights (I think) ... but they escape my sieve-like brain.

Bangi,

How does one "thunk"?

Wait, nevermind, sounds painful...

Peri - grab me a Kinder Surprise while you're there, would ya' sweetpea?

Thanks!

*bites into chocolatey goodness*
*looks around at the Americans staring and drooling*

Oh, sorry, did you guys want a bite? Does someone want my toy?

Jeff - yes, they're originally British - when I lived in Niagara Falls, I would go across the border all the time to get them. The Immigration people would look at me funny every time...

Punky - you and I have some similar experiences (not a lot, my KS is a lot lower than yours) but I've also jumped out of a perfectly good aeroplane, and was ejected from a whitewater raft at a rapid called "Insignificant" in West Virginia. When you're going that fast, there's nothing "Insignificant" about the f*cking thing....

Wig wag bars were awesome! I think they were made by Neilsen's in England. Do you have Sugar Mountains in Winnipeg? Ours used to carry them but stopped a while ago.

Higgy ... I've done the New River / Gauley River in W. Virginia. It was awesome!

Peri - was that a CurlyWurly?

Does anybody know if the calories listed on a pack of gum are calories ingested if you swallow the gum?

The calories double if you swallow the gum, Polly.

And then it takes seven years for that gum to digest ... so all the calories you eat will stick to it for, like, seven years! Or is that the number of years for which you'll have bad luck if you break a mirror?

Another Canadian candy I like... Eat More bars. Apparently, most people don't care for them, but I think they're yummy!

The AP hack wrote this will next investigate the introduction of his ass to his elbow.

Elle,
Thanks for the info.

Punky,
Thanks for the misinfo.

Be nice, Lurker. Maybe the AP hack was assigned the stupid, useless story and had no choice.

I am the queen of misinfo. :)

Poor hack...

Don't anybody tell her I told, but today is Mad's Bday. I'm blogging from home so I can't easily swim to the boat from here (no skeet shooting today for me), so let's don't have anybody spilling the beans or wishing her a nice 30th or anything like that.

She might get embarrassed.

If this entry sounds very cryptic to you, that's because it is. ;)

Gee, Polly, I always wondered how the Eat More people stayed in business. If anyone ever gives me any ever again, I will generously pass them along to you. 'Cause that's just the kind of person I am.

*shakes head over poor, deprived American blogger reduced to liking Eat More bars. Goes to get Caramilk*

Peri - I've seen the sundae smarties and the smarties bars in both white chocolate & milk chocolate, but I haven't seen the vanilla smarties. Where did you see them?

I wonder if my boss will mind me sneaking off of work to go on a quest for vanilla smarties...

Folks, don't be fooled by Rachel. Kinder eggs (wonderful as they are) are a german creation (kinder =children). The Canadians however, do have the butter tart (like a small pecan pie, only better), and maple cream sandwich cookies (shaped like little maple leaves). Gotta quit typing now, as I am drooling into the keyboard. *jumps into car and heads north for the border*

oh, and by the way, I am not unhappy now, but I'd be much happier if I earned $75,000 a year too. I hope the guy who wrote that article didn't get too much additional 'happiness' for it. Way to go with that investigative journalism.

Punky,
It's seven years for braking a mirror, but my lawyer says he can get me five.

Punky,
It's seven years for breaking a mirror, but my lawyer says he can get me five.

Sorry Flash, did not mean to imply that the Kinder Surprise Egg was a Canadian thing, just that we have it in Canada and the US doesn't. Kinder is a German company and makes many fine chocolate creations which are sold in every country that I have ever been to, except the US.

To be fair, you guys have Tin Roof Sundae ice cream.

OH! I knew that was going to happen! As soon as I realized I misspelled "breaking" I had already hit the Post button. I tried to cancel the post, and correct it, but it looks like I was too late.

Nothing spoils a joke more than a spelling mistake. I saw earlier, too, that I misspelled John Kerry's name. Hopefully y'all got the meaning anyway and laughed hysterically.

Peri, so I guess you have just shown a real-world example of how money could buy satisfaction!

Who knew?

If only I had been here earlier...djt, I thought you and Peri were talking about the Marathon bars. I loved those...would love them still if I could get them. They were mentioned I think on Unwrapped or something not too long ago. I was begining to think I had imagined them.

I also loved candy cigarettes. Now they are candy sticks which just aren't the same. I seem to recall that they were changed so as to not promote smoking. I got them all the time when I was younger, pretended that I was smoking them, but have never had any interest in actually smoking.

Still wondering where Peri saw vanilla smarties. I'm in Toronto. Any suggestions any one?

Anyone else remember Lick-em-sticks (not a dirty joke, an actual candy) They were hard candy sticks that you then dipped into one of two different "flavour pouches" containing pure sugar (aka pixie stix dust) and then licked off only to repeat the cycle over and over until you were hovering approx. 6 inches off your seats. They may still be around now that I think about it....brb

Never really been a big fan of candy. Maybe it's because mom made all our candy growing up. Let's see... there were

Sauer Krauties

S'mlesses: Broccoli and Cauliflower on a piece of melba toast, slathered with fat-free miracle whip and baked at 350 for twenty minutes

Asparguscicles

Artichokies Stuffed with liver!

Soup! no point arguing, 'soup is always a treat' she'd say

Garden Oysters these were slugs, but with sugar sprinkled on top, one of her better recipes, actually

And go-cart Mozart was checkin' out the
weather charts see if it was safe outside
And little ealy birdir gave my arms a curly-whirly
and asked me if i needed a ride

Brad: I recall them as the much more PG "Fun Sticks" - er, well, slightly more PG.

You can pick them up at Sugar Mountain, along with other old favs like Hot Lips, Pop Rocks, Bottle Caps, Big League Chew, Freshen-up gum (anyone remember that stuff?)

LTTG again today, but the all time best candy ever is the cherry mash. I don't know if they make them any more or not. This damn atkins won't even let me go look. It turns out walking into a seven-eleven has too many carbs in it.

And re: the original topic of the post, I think what you ladies (and maybe some of the guys) partook of was exosperm, not endosperm. But that's just me being nit-picky.

Hey Rachel and IO,
What part of Toronto? I was just looking at a map to remember where I lived (long ago). Looks like Etobicoke, somewhere near Dundas and Bloor, and up in Richmond Hill.

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