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September 29, 2004

FUN AND ILLEGAL

The best kind of school activity.

(Thanks to Amanda Wolfe)

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My first first!

My first second!

"lunch treat" indeed!

it is unclear why the kitchen staff didn't notice
Maybe they had treated themselves a bit too much.

It's a great quote and all, but i'm supposed to believe that a third-grader said, "Something really fun and illegal happened today at school"?

I remember when I was in elementary a similar harmless mishap occurred. We had to go in for vaccinations, and the school nurse, not realizing she has some leftovers from the faculty Christmas bash, accidentally gave 178 students straight Columbian heroin. It was scary at first, what with the room spinning and those new, "special" feelings the students had for each other, but when "you've got cooties" took on psychadelic new meanings, we all had a good laugh over it.

Really, you could just consider it a college preparation course....

My first post EVER. I'm so proud...

Apparently this school specializes in the precise use of language.

"We regret to inform you that your child may have been exposed to alcohol at lunch today."
"May have been?"
"Yes."
"Exposed? How. You pulled his pants down in front of a bottle of Jack Daniels, again?"
"Erm. No. We served the children tequila, but told them it was limeade."
"I see. So instead of 'may have been exposed' what you really mean is 'tried to get them drunk'."
"No. We didn't serve them that much, and anyways most of them didn't like it."
"Ok. Now tell me about the afternoon coke-snorting-relay."
"Oh, yeah, the children may have been exposed to high quality cocaine, as well as a baboon punting contest."
"May have? I suppose you're going to tell me they didn't like the coke, either?"
"Fine. They loved it. They also liked kicking the baboon, ok?"
"So why did Jimmy get detention, then?"
"He wouldn't tuck in his shirt."

Amazingly enough, this is where I went to school!

Why thanks, djtonyb! Haven't been blurking too terribly long, no. And now, I feel like I can waste time at work even more productively than before...

I predict that in approximately two days at least half of the staff are going to be twitching like a junkie in detox...

Kid 1: This limeade tastes funny!
Kid 2: Hey! It smells like mommy and daddy before they wrestle!

Ol' Chumbucket: Remember kids, Ol' Chumbucket says, "Drink til she's cute. Yar!"

geez. my school sucked. I always had to spike the drinks myself.

coke-snorting-relay..

Thank you Christobol. My new keyboard lasted 2 whole days before I christened it with spewed coffee. Someday I'll remember not to read and drink at the same time.
*sighs n shakes keyboard out*

Or a Couch Potato on Twinkie withdrawl.

"Dear Third, Fourth, and Fifth Grade Parents:

"It is with great regret that I tell you that your children may or may not have burned down the school gymnasium after they may have been exposed to a keg stand relay and smack shoot-a-thon fundraiser to benefit SCORES. But we are happy to report that the cover band was superb and the baboons have, for the most part, been recovered."

Er - thanks, Tina. Anybody have any ideas whether I should be cowering in a corner just now?

Dave B(ickle): The corners are the first place they look. Try whistling to yourself and looking nonchalant in the centre of the room.

Dear Third, Fourth, and Fifth Grade Parents:

It is with great regret that I tell you that your child may have been exposed to a meat like substance today at lunch.

I am embarrassed and deeply sorry that this happened. We strive to provide your children only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.

We also use the choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.

Please forgive us.

Just yesterday, Dave was worried about the future of this once-great nation's beer consumption, and now we have this heartwarming story of youngsters banding together to refocus our great American alcohol consumption. I'm thinking, instead of Orange Juice for snacktime; Screwdrivers!!

Ah but does each lunch tray bear a large red sticker with the words WARNING: LARKS' VOMIT?

Of all the blogs in all the world...I get trapped in this one...

Our sales would plummet!

Dave B(ickle): Any relation to Dick Tr(ickle)?

Bangi: Now I feel deprived that I didn't get a first badge. *poug*

Wastin' away again in Alexandria Country Day School

I'll bet the parents are thankful that the faculty and board ate all brownies.

"We regret to inform you that your child may have snarfed some awesome brownies. While longterm chronic ingestion of brownies may affect Lil' Justin's mental accuity and motivation, recreational ingestion of brownies really improves grades in Art class."

Er ... make that *pout*

I don't even know HOW to *poug*

:-) Oh...wow...thanks...this is so amazing...I've never won anything like this before. Thank you so much. *mwah-mwah-mwah*

Dave B(ickle): Any relation to Dick Tr(ickle)?

Sorry Shannon - just that one time in college, and they gave me a poultice for it.

Tina: This could be the begining of a beautiful friendship *advances slowly with preditory gleem in eyes*

Golly Gee, thanks Tina - but this Kool-aid tastes..a little...funny... *slumps into corner* Getting so very sleepy...

. . . the school, with 240 students from kindergarten through eighth grade who pay tuition from $14,200 to $15,600 . . .

At those prices there damn well better be an open bar at lunch.

*walks over to Dave B(ickle) and places a floral lei around his neck*

There's a lot of "leing" that goes on in this here blog ... get used to it.

Nice to have you here.

*places a soft kiss on Dave's cheek*

Blush. And *blush*

I think I'm gonna like it here...

and that's the last time I'll ever quote Annie, the musical. I promise.

"Child #4: I know, they didn't even salt the rim." LOL djtony.

LOL kudos to cbol & Fed Duck too.

Thanks for a good laugh today guys!

Hey punky...where's my soft kiss?

Roommate: So Dave...anything new at work today?

Dave B(ickle): Not much. Got boozed up, tied up, and thrown in a wheelbarrow and leied. Also a soft kiss. I love work so much....

How do, Miriam? I'd shake hands, but they seem to be bound in front of me. Hmmmm....gotta get some more of that punch!

Miriam ... I give out but one a day.

Maybe tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll kiss ya, tomorrow , is only a day away!

That was for you Dave B(ickle)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

klahoma

Wow, bondaged men and musical theatre quotes, this is my kind of place. Thanks for sharing, girls.

Ahem. Allow me to state for the record that I am the ONE musical theatre actor in New York who - well, I'm not - I mean, I'm -

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Oh I give up. I'm going to just lie here in my corner.

Do all newbies get leid?

*gives Tina a hard kiss and a huge shiny merit HTML badge*

*adjusts Tina's leash*

Dave B(ickle), so YOU'RE (not your) the one! I've been looking for you ;-)

With deepest regrets, dear parents, I say
and I hope that you'll take this the right way
if your child staggers and falls during play
could be the tequila we served today

'Twas no harm to your child we intended
And we do not think he got all that drunk
Although from the flag pole he descended
After storing his clothes inside a trunk

Henceforward it is no longer allowed
To raise school funds by stag party hosting
And from now on when we get students plowed
We'll suspend naked marshmallow roasting

I'll apologize ad infinitum
But I'm keeping the two-drink mimimum

LoL, Miriam! Well, we're often told - seek, and ye shall find....

(ok, that wasn't a show tune, but it was Cole Porter - I'm still breaking the stereotype, right?)

And where, exactly, can ye be found (in the corner, and all tied up)???

The dancer's names are what gets me:

Each is called by name and performs his own solo dance. There’s Cow’s Tail, Sooty Anus, Black Buttocks, Sweet Phallus, Penis, Rusty Anus, and Big Testicles.

Do they do have dancers names like this in any of your requented bars DJT?

Actually, Gershwin

Why, New York, New York, of course. I hear tell it's a helluva town.

I just got the new Rusty Anus cd. It rawks.

and now, I'm off. Enjoy your evening, y'all...

Sure it's a helluva town, but another hundred people just got off of the train, and I wanna wake up in the city that never sleeps, but with your love, what more do I need?

Sorry..."doesn't sleep"...Frank Ebb is rolling in his fresh grave.

*swoon*

C'bol keeps me in awe. Such beauty in thy words... I am entranced and bewitched...

*reaches for tissue to dab dewey brow*

WHY DIDN"T THIS EVER HAPPEN TO ME!!!??

Hmmm, my kid's snack day is Tuesday at his preschool... and I LOVE margaritas!


"Why are all the kids sleeping? They're not here long enough to take naps!"

Me - WOOOOOHOOOOOO, Today they do!!!!

Aww, poor crash feels left out. Hey girls, do we have any more rope left? I see three unused corners.

Dave B(ickle) is awesome...busting out into song makes you cool (as illustrated by Family Guy).

Oh Crap.

I am a woman!!!!

Would anyone be terribly upset if I video taped?

"Hear me roar!"

For sake of clarity,
"why didn't this ever happen to me?" referred to spiking the kindergarten punch.

However, bondage is an interesting alternative.

hyperventilate? I think some of them may have just passed out. Am I the only one who heard the big 'thunk' noise??

thats true! turns to watch the guys, who are hoping and wishing.

So let me get this straight: We are all going to be offed by big dancing boogers?? Does anyone else smell glue fumes wafting by or something?

Darn! Wrong thread!! let me try that again in the correct spot!

Easy Peasy Japanesey!

*quickly emails application to Alexandria Country Day School*

Dear Principal Skinner:

This is absolutely not possible. No self-respecting school would serve such a menu to any of their students. Where would you even get such an idea? Sesame seeds are potential allergens.

Dear The Rest of You:

I, as a long-time reader, first-time poster, love your comments, had several wonderful and interesting things to say. But I stopped reading after the 'newbies tied up in the corner and beaten' bit and lost my train of thought. Is there anything else I need to know, before I hit the Post Button?

Damn, too late.

yaaaarrrrrrrr mom!
You forgot to salt the rim.

Dave B(ickle): welcome! You too Miriam (but it's Fred Ebb; no I'm not... not that there's anything wrong with it).

"At those prices there damn well better be an open bar at lunch."

LOL, Lairbo.

Since I'm so LTTG I won't even try as you guys have come up with some great ones.

Hi too, Pirate Mom, and other newbies I might have missed. You picked a good day to de-blurk.

"Rita, your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to do a taste test of all open drink containers in the fridge and make sure there is absolutely NO alcohol served to our children, at least until they reach middle school."

Rita: "I'm gonna LOVE this job!"

ODE TO NEWBIES (tune of the Jet Song, West Side Story)

When you jump on this blog you're a Lit all the way
With every first post, we lead Lurkers astray
Here on this post, we all follow Dave's rule
The women make sex jokes the fellows all drool

The bloglits are here!
And our keyboards are a'clickin!
Hold still too long, your bound to get some lickens,
or meet subservient chickens!


Sometimes we're unclear, and sometimes we're not so funny
But we're simpatico, we all think Boogers! is funny

Here on this blog we lampoon freely and we're worldwide
Some are so sweet, and some us are so snide
When your a Lit, you stay a Liiiiiiit!!

i cry to think about how many young alcoholics this liitle incident is sure to turn out, not to mention toddler pregnancies and car wrecks. i think it's time we banned alcohol accidents involving toddlers. matter of fact we need to ban accidents.

Lends new meaning to the term 'getting Lit ?'

Put the mask back on jason, yer not makin' any sense !

Oh, it was sarcasm ?

Couldn't we just ban toddlers?

Let's see....

*hands crash, Dave B(ickle) and any other de-blurkers their official welcome kits of grass skirt, coconut bra and Moatarita*

Splendid - although I suppose on this post, you could go back to elementary and get your own moatarita...

They should have waited until parent-teacher conferences to serve up the alcohol...

Teacher: And little Johnny has done some excellent finger-paintings lately...
Little Johnny (drunkenly): Oh yeah? Well, here's a finger for ya, bub...

*puts coconut bra on head, smokes grass skirt*

In a similar vein...well maybe not, but I'm telling it anyway.

When my daughter was in middle school, she and 13 other kids got busted for snorting......"lickem aide"...I can't spell it, but it's that sugary fruity stuff in the straws.

The principal called me to request a meeting to discuss her snorting lickem aide.

"She was what?"
"Snorting lickemaide"
"That's a candy, right"
"Yes, but we're considering suspending her."
"I'll be right there."

Her dad and I were there within an hour and we were advised that the school had the authority to suspend her for 90 days, but this time were going to let her off with a warning. Again, I asked, "It's candy, right?" They explained that she was imitating an illegal act.

It seems one of them had seen a movie the night before and someone was snorting coke...another kid had brought in the lickem aide as treats to share and the kid who saw the show said "Hey, let's try this..."

I'm happy to report that she successfully completed rehab.

DJT - *drives by in Surrey With The Fringe On Top*

LMAO!!

Snorting Lickemaide??
That's gotta burn!

Um, I used to snort Pixie Stix (Sugar in a colorful straw thing) for entertainment. Never got suspended for it, though.

Um, I used to snort Pixie Stix (Sugar in a colorful straw thing) for entertainment. Never got suspended for it, though.

I NEVER LURKED!
I post when I'm here.
Remember Anabacapoc Apocalypse?
Yeah, that was ME.

LOL.. hi crash!! Nice to know that someone else is up

for the record.. I never lurked anywhere either.. couldn't keep my big ol' mouth shut that long!!

The following is a true story (and the short version). Years ago I was babysitting a couple of little boys (3 & 2)who had to sleep in their parents' room while theirs was being re-papered. Nobody told me and I never noticed the bottle of scotch that the mother was keeping in the bedroom (ostensibly to keep it away from the kids, but she forgot it was there too). Well, the boys got out of bed, found the scotch, tried it, decided they didn't like the flavour, so added half a bottle of mouthwash and drank that instead. When I went to check on them, they were out like lights and snoring loud and long!! I never saw the bottle, and I presumed they'd gone to sleep as per normal, and the mouthwash masked any alcohol smell. Fortunately the parents were quite understanding - they figured out what had happened quite quickly - and I babysat for them for a few years after the incident with no further problems... well nothing that bad anyway

Well at least you didn't purposely drug them like some schools...

Funny how the kids hate it...

Maybe the best way to prevent alcoholism is counterintuitive -- give it to 'em while they're young.

Hey, at least it'll be a fun experiment if it doesn't work!

"Maybe the best way to prevent alcoholism is counterintuitive -- give it to 'em while they're young."

Hey, it works for the French and them other you-rope-peons.

Miriam - I'm terribly impressed! Not just Sondheim, but GOOD Sondheim!

Tina - currently working - got that pesky college degree thing out of the way and then refused to use it in an adult fashion. My mother is so proud.

Stalking me, huh? Wahoooo! I mean, um, *clears throat*

Dave B(ickle) - Thank you, I'm so glad you noticed. Gee, I wonder how many worshippers of Sondheim AND Dave there are. And is there any connection?

Hmmmm....Steven Sondheim and Dave Barry...could it be...Dave's Turn?

Miriam - and how did you come to be so well informed? Too much time on your hands, perhaps? 0:-)

Well, the bloglit in me is definitely someone with too much time on her hands (and her feet too for that matter), but the Sondhead in me makes time for the master.

In your last post, is that a yarmulke on your head?

It's a...tradition! Actually, I think it was to be a halo. But apparently not terribly convincing.

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