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September 21, 2004

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they've taken away our precious fundamental right to sell urine.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

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like.. ewwwwwwwww
oh yeah.. first.. teehee

As gross as that is, I know PLENTY of people that would buy that or have thought of buying ..that, to pass a drug test. I say the guy's pretty damn smart.

What about nuts?

I wonder if he can write off beer as a business expense?

Of course, it still perfectly legal to barter for urine.

Seems like he's pissing his life away.

Now what am i going to do???

The guy may be smart, but he's got the ethics of a crapweasel...making a profit enabling drug addiction. Sheesh.

*phone rings*
Operator: Hello, PrivacyPro!
George W: Um, yeah. You guys sell the, um...
Operator: Yes sir, would you like to order a kit?
George W: Well, I've never done drugs if that's what you're implying.
Operator: Of course not, sir. Two kits then?
George W: And my opponent did PCP every day in 'Nam.
Operator: I'm sure he did, sir. How can I help you?
George W: It's the terrorists bringing in the drugs. For every kit you sell, you're buying mustard gas for Osama.
Operator: ... the CIA is about to drug test you, aren't they?
George W: Yeah, gimme a case of 'em. I'm not accustomed to passing tests, I need all the help I can get.

How can anyone think that forcing someone to pee in a cup and provide said pee for analysis is an invasion of privacy? If it's not your employer's business what is going on in your internal organs, whose is it?

Consider this: Last year Microsoft was able to detect a serious health problem in one of its senior VPs urine sample. Because of this routine testing, they were able to fake an accident causing his death (and rigging a major election in India) before he was able to bring down company morale with his suffering, or cost the company tens of thousands of dollars for treatment.

That's shareholder value for everyone. Well, unless you're not a shareholder.

Kenneth Curtis ==> Heck, I rent nuts

Hey Fed, Kerry buys urine too, but just because he likes the taste.

What an election. Go Dave!

When I took my Army physical a guy was going around with his cup saying "Anyone here got diabetes? Fill this up." No one did.

And Greenville Urine would not bagnfarb.

Some people will try anything to circumvent the law, and this guy is feeding off of that and making a profit. He should be fined and/or locked up, and his website shut down permanently -- urine sales or no urine sales.

Good one, Feduck.

I don't want to click on the link while I am at work, but I am struggling with what exactly the "kit" would contain if you have to source the actual clean tipiyokti yourself. I'm envisioning something like a plastic cup, a funnel, and a bota bag. Am I close?

(wipes pudding off feet, brushes feathers off sleeve, adjusts thong)

Yes, mandatory drug testing is an invasion of privacy. Yes, the guy who profits from addicts by enabling their addictions is a crapweasel of enormous proportions. Yes, drug abusers expose others to unnecesarry risk.

No, I don't have an answer.

(belches, then stairs cross-eyed at the feather that drifted out of his mouth, then teeters visibly before sitting down and falling asleep)

Went to Wendy's for lunch. Woman in front of me said: "Gimme a junior CHEESEBURGER - No CHEESE!

I don't think mandatory drug testing is an invasion of privacy in the least. If someone wants to do drugs, that's fine. But if you're after hours habits affect your ability to do a job or worse, affect the safety of other employees, it's the employers business.

My family owns a business distruting a major soft-drink to a large portion of the state. A large part of their employee base drives very large trucks. If their employees come in to work drunk or drugged up, this puts a huge liability on the company if there is an accident.

It's not an invasion of privacy, it's responsible business.

I suppose that society would have us believe that it's better to maintain employee privacy than maintain a safe working environment.

And Mahatma, that thing looks creepy as hell. He looks like he would derive perverse pleasure when you pull a peanut from his so-called "peanut tray".

Like my Mom used to tell me when I was growing up -- "Silence is golden, just like my shower this morning".

I can't get to the guy's web site. It's blocked from access as a site relating to drugs.

Funny.

off topic- Happy Birthday to Stephen King

Urine (not you're in) a lot of trouble now, pal.

Moe
In the film Withnail & I, Withnail tries to fake a urine test using a device very much like what you describe, with an IV bag instead of a bota bag.

Also, Kenneth Curtis missed out by not naming his clean urine for drug testing company PeePal.

[rim shot, as it were]

PETER:
That's not quite as strange as it sounds at first. Wendy's has a Jr. Cheeseburger on it's 99 cent Value Menu, but no equivalent no-cheese burger, so if you want a cheap burger sans cheese, you have to ask for it they way you heard.

However, McD's *does* have both a hamburger and a cheeseburger on their menu. I once went in and asked for a cheeseburger with nothing on it, and the McDuh behind the counter asked if I wanted cheese or not. I just replied that it wouldn't be a cheeseburger without the cheese.

Do you have to refrigerate urine to keep it fresh? It would suck to come home after a night of drinking and confuse the pee pee for something drinkable, like lemonade or beer.

Reminds me of that scene in Dumb and Dumber.

*wonders what the going rate for urine on the black market is*

wolfie,

congrats on being first.

oh, and it's teetee, not teehee

Remember the Batman squirtgun from a couple weeks ago? Well there's one for sale on ebay (I'd buy it but it probably leaks)

MKJ ... you could fill it with illegal pee pee and go around squirting obnoxious people on the subway ...

course, you may get killed ... but it may be worth it.

"hi, and welcome to Urine Like Flynn!"
"yes, I'd like to place an order please."
"what can I get for you sir?"
"i would like the weightlifters combo please."
"okay, and what shade of yellow would you like?"
"I was thinking of going with Ripe Lemon."
"and how will you be paying for that sir?"
"do you take hot checks?"
"yep, we sure do!"

I had to smuggle purchased pee in for a drug test once. Course, they pat you down first and don't let you take any bags or anything in the bathroom where you give the sample. You have to hide it REALLY well. I couldn't get that taste out of my mouth for weeks afterward.

Hello Bangi! :)

There's probably a reason that Batman is smiling...

PETER
My daughter and I were in line at Costco's food court and the lady in front of me asked for a "Very Berry Sundae, without the berries."
The clerk looked at her and said, "That would be a frozen yogurt, Ma'am."
The customer looked up at the sign. There was a pause as the synapses connected and she gave a whispered, "Oh."
The clerk kept a straight face and completed the order.

When it was our turn and the other gal was well away from earshot, I said
"I want a Very Berry Sundae without the berries, please."

We all busted out laughing.

Punky, you're here! We were just about to send out a search party. In fact if you check the LoveMOAT you'll see my own theory of where you were. I supposed it was someplace boring and mundane like work, but I like my version better.

MOTW, that is classic! How embarrassing... and stupid.

There's a scene in The Hollywood Knights where the heroes "spike the punch" at a snooty Beverly Hills party. They get an obnoxious cop to try it and he says "It does have a little WANG in it."

No matter what fast-food joint we go to, invariably when my dear husband orders a "hamburger, extra well-done, pickles only" he is asked ...

"Do you want cheese on that?"

Of course he doesn't, or he would have ordered a cheeseburger.

Sadly, even after clarification, his hamburger very often has cheese on it.

When pee is outlawed, only outlaws will have pee (somebody had to say it)

urine trouble...

Well, Bangi, you could have sour yogurt and an apple...

Well, since you basically have to pee in a cup for just about everything these days (Employment, Insurance, Workers' Comp, etc.) it was only a matter of time before someone found a way to profit from it.

And on an ethically charged note - If the Corporate Companies that claim to be "so worried" about employees using drugs or alcohol, wouldn't they opt for a more fool-proof test? Such as a hair or blood sample. Testing someone's hair can tell you if they "used" up to a year ago and maybe longer than that. Perhaps if the companies were really concerned - they would not opt for the "economically sound" pee test. It seems to me that testing serves more of a facade to keep the public (and the lawyers) off the Corps back.

And on a personal note - I had to test for my current position. Not only did they not look twice at me (I work in a conservative office and dressed the part), they allowed me to go in by myself, take my briefcase and turn in the sample. All because I was the least suspicious. Now that's getting your monies worth for testing.

I've had mixed results.

I once bought a cup of urine in an attempt to cheat a test. I'm not proud, and in the end it didn't work out anyway.

Still had to retake trig over the summer.

On the other hand, I was able to give a clean cup of urine in exchange for not having to parallel park during a breast exam.

So, sometimes it works.

Ya know - if it came down to saving my own life or spelling correctly - I would be a very dead woman... very daed indeead.

You'd rather spell correctly than save your own life? What are you, some kind of alphabet superhero a la "Letter Man"?

Okay - perhaps I should just slowly back away from the PC... I meant that if I had to spell correctly to save my own life - I would be dead.

Perhaps I shouldn't have smoked all that crack at lunch...

See what corporate america can do to a girl...

See what Corporate America can do to a girl...

Pete and Repete are on a boat - Pete falls off... Who's left...

He must be pissin' in the wind now.

No Melt'n - it's not the crack (or at least so claims the Better Crack Sellers of America, Inc, LTD, KMA)

It's that your urine supplier isn't employing the latest QA practices to ensure the very best urine available on the black market today.

In most states, that entitles you to a free peanut m&m. (taxes, shipping, and handling not included)

You're just doing your part Melt'n. That crack won't smoke itself.

I have mixed feeling about drug testing.

I think if you're working in a position where being under the influence of drugs or alcohol could put the company or other other people in danger, then you should expect it. Nobody says you have to take a job that requires random drug tests.

On the other hand, if you're in a job like, say, a secretary and the most dangerous piece of equipment your around during the day is a shredder...and the worst bad judgement call you could make would be to transcribe the bosses speech to stockholders into Swahili, then the only reason for the invasion of privacy is cuz the managment is bunch of nosy asshats.

How disappointing. I am this lttg and I still get to point out that if you figure out how to repeal this law, urine the money.

And for what it's worth, piss tests only prove that you used hours/days ago. A company that wants to be safe will use ability/reaction testing before letting employees operate dangerous machinery. That catches slow reaction times and impaired ability. Of course, it costs more money than a pee test, and we wouldn't want to cut into the profit margin for the sake of our employees' and customers' safety, would we?!?

No one ... cause Repeat was Pete's lover and jumped in after him to try and save him ... but since Repeat can't spell to save his life, or anyone elses, for that matter, they both died. The boat later washed up on the coast of the Galapagos ... where the local turtles blew up the condoms they'd found and made balloon animals out of them and held nightly puppet shows, where they sold illegal pee for 1.25 a cup ... or for 25 cents extra, you could upgrade to a large.

Lairbo, I can't remember where, but I actually had that picture in my head from a movie or TV show where someone carried clean tipiyokti in for a drug test via an apparatus used for feminine hygiene. I only changed it to a bota bag because I am far, far, too tasteful an individual to mention such a device in a public forum such as this.

* dances from foot to foot *
With all this toilet talk, I suddenly gotta go ... now!

Polly
Long ago, I worked at a major publishing house and had to take a drug test before officially being hired, despite the worst mistake I could make being participle-dangling or misplacing commas. The restroom in which the sample was harvested was across the main reception desk/waiting room from the nurse's office where it was to be deposited and analyzed. This meant carrying a vial of your own urine through a room full of possibly Very Important People. I think it was just an extension of the ivy league, fratboy pantywaist hazing mentality that pervaded the joint. I only wish it'd occured to me a the time to pretend to trip in the direction of somebody in a particularly expensive suit.

I just remembered, I have to get some 15 1/4 Mower Deck Blades for some reason, can't remember why though . . .

Punky - (They say I'm the one smokin' crack!)

But in all fairness - touche'

I wouldn't have thought Pete and Repeat were battin for the other team - two grown men in a boat with no "fishing" equipment should've tipped me off...

Moe
I think a bota bag is a much better idea than an IV drip. That way, if caught in the act, you could just say, "Hey, it IS made from a sheep's bladder. What'd ya think would be in it?"

Maybe it's somewhere in Cheech 'n' Chong's body of work.

No, control knobs, control knobs . . .

MKJ, that looks like Slingblade's wet dream. Mmmmm hmmmmmm.

I'm guessing Pete and Repeat are not in the market for mower blades.

Not that I do, but it IS possible to quietly, privately, do some recreational drugs and not turn up on Monday morning so out of it that you accidentally stick your hand in the shredder. If I'm so messed up that it affects my performance, I deserve (and expect) to be fired. Otherwise, what I do on my own time is my business.

A round of applause for our good friends - Recreational Drugs...

MKJ, Did you read any of the buyers' feedback from that seller? I suspect that even a few of the 'feedbackers' didn't buy anything...

AndyDan,

Well that makes sense, and thanks, but now it's not funny, and that had me smiling all the way back to my cube. Well, maybe not all the way. But MOTW, (mother of the world?)your (not urine) very berry story is funny.

Reverie: I did read the pictures . . .

Punky - Wow. Still laughing. :-)

slowlayne - Unless they're into S&M.

Question: When did drug tests ever catch someone under the influence? Don't they end up testing for what you used the night before?

And, why do doctors tell you drugs are bad while they're writing you a prescription for heavy-duty painkillers?

Oh! Or maybe Rapid Fire 2 Inch Screw Strips

Re: Testing employee reaction times to see if they are able to perform their duties

This does not have to be expensive! And it can be a source of GREAT employee (er, management) morale!

What WE do is have a game of "dodge stapler" every morning, wherein the managers load up with jammed staplers (don't want to waste a functional one) and try to brain the employees with them (the employees line up against the wall - just for fun we have them hold cups of urine, but we don't insist it be their urine or even clean - hey - we aren't nazis).

It's fantabulous, and to my knowledge not a single employee has been hurt loading artificial ape sphincters onto the trucks after making it thru the morning test, and not one manager has called in sick in over three years!
---

Hey Punky, does this mean I just need to write off that $10 that Repeat owes me?

Too many choices

But I know people who do...,

I agree. And the fact that recreational drug user stuck his/her hand in the shredder and is probably having performance issues should mean he/she gets canned. But not for doing drugs, for doing a crappy job.

So I guess it's true that sex sells...Craftsman tools.

Alex, you mean to tell me that men do not buy tools based on the purely platonic love of Bob Villa? It's just ramparts that they're after? What a world... what a world...

On a scale of 1-10, I'd say...urine 8 out of 10.

Having taken the dreaded pee test twice now, I promised myself that I would never do it again. It is, among many things, humiliating, an invasion of privacy and so on. So now I own my own company. I don't drink, smoke or do recreational drugs either.

There's something about the pee test that no one has yet mentioned. Both times when I have taken it, someone had to witness me urinate. No, the dude didn't stare at my johnson or anything but he was in the room to ensure that I *didn't* have a cup of "drugs-no-more" with me to swap out urine with. The second time I told them that I was pee-shy and couldn't go with this guy standing beside me. Get this: they made me take all my clothes off and put on a hospital gown. Again, this way they were ensured that I did not have any foreign liquids on my person. (Other than the fact that at this point I was frothing at the mouth.)

All this for a crummy management job at Office Depot. Sheesh. I quit after a year and a half.

Imagine this as well: pee-shy when it was really, really important that I go, but I run around naked at nude beaches all the time. Go figure.

It's wrong to can people for doing drugs or for doing a crappy job, Polly!

What ever happened to just FIRING someone? I mean, how bad a job to have to do for your employer to have the right to heat you at a temperature sufficient to destroy microorganisms and then pack you into sealed, airtight containers, and then heat you under steam pressure at temperatures of 240-250° Fahrenheit (116-121° Celsius)?

----

"Sorry I'm late, Chief. Gramma had a stroke and my car broke down when I ran over my sister who was burying my long time seeing eye rat."

"Whatever. Report to canning."

"But I thought I get a warning, then lose an eye, then canning?"

"We've instituted a new 'one strike your canned' policy. It's designed to increase shareholder value."

"Fair enough."

This product wouldn't work for me, I am military, so you have to be pretty sneaky to sneak outside pee when someone is watching you.

What you need to do is to buy the peanut man doll, put the bag in him, say he is your god and freedom of religion allows you to take him EVERYWHERE and then you can safely conceal your pee and pass your test.

I have an answer to everything.

Vette

This thread made me laugh, thanks for making life more interesting.

Anyone have a Band-Aid? I just caught my hand in the *&^*&%* shredder.

So, what's today's topic?

haha, hate being watched while you pee? Try being the person who has to do the watching!! You are suppose to watch, but you don't want to make the person uncomfortable or witness something that will give you nightmares. Its very unpleasent. Exspcially when you have the nervous nelly and your 2 hour job is turning into a 4 hour job while you wait for their bladder to bust and kill them.

Vette - I have one word for you NIACIN... works better than a one legged man on a pogo stick...

"Mower blades, Ramparts" anagrams to:

"A tramp blower's dreams"
"A rammed splat browser"
"A drawable sperm storm"
"A beardless tramp worm"
"A warbled spasm tremor"

and many more

If you are the one who has to administer the urine tests, often a good way to "break the ice" is to try to push the testee into the urinal while they are peeing, or tell them they have a really small unit, or other fun stuff.

christobol ... you have a better chance of getting your 10 bucks from a meerkat on crack, than you do from Repeat.

Repeat is shark bait.

MzVette ... I feel for the folks with stage fright ... or the ones who pass a little air biscuit by accident ... how embarrassing and unfortunate ... for both parties.

I can can people if I want!

*Stirs boiling couldron with several limbs sticking out.*

Besides, its far more humane than firing people.

That's just sick!

--------------

"Sorry I'm late for work boss."

"Hmmmm...You're fired."

Places unfortunate employee on spit with four or five others*

"Pssst! Hey..what'd YOU do?"

"Me? I transcribed the bosses speech to stockholders into Swahili. The man has no sense of humor."

"Oh. Say...I wonder why they put potatoes, onions, and green peppers between us."

"I dunno, but it smells pretty good in here..."

Yea, the passing the air bit is always fun... but sometimes when you let one out it all comes out.

If I am ever in that unfortinate situation I will try your ideal Cristobol, but only if you promise to visit me in Levenworth just in case its an officer I am watching...

And if you're going to fire someone for toking over the weekend, what about the person who comes in hungover?

MzVette, you could always try Wolf Brand Chili and some bourbon about four hours before you have to participate in the Witness program. (Now those are some quality air biscuits.) Tell 'em to output the output or they stay put!

*Grabs meerkat. Places on spit with fired employees*

He owes me $10.

Yeah! If they're going to humiliate us, let's make 'em pay!

If you want quantity AND quality, nothing can beat my mother-in-laws stuffed cabbages with a side of lima beans. You'll be carving a relief valve in your side.

It depends if the come in well-hungover, AC.

Polly, since I've been shishkabobed in a previous life, and canned in another, and both in even another really crappy one, I can say with pretty firm authority that it's better to have naughty women lick you to death.

Punky - you think the shark might give me $10? I already got $10 from a crackhead meercat but I don't see how that settles Repeat's debt.

How many posts before this becomes the PeeMOAT?

One.....

Twohoooooo.....

PEEMOAT

THREE!

Three, Melt'n.

103 pee posts... pee-ple, urine credibly gross.

I was going to put myself on the spit for making such a dumb joke, but then decided to stand by my dumb joke because without dumb jokes, how would you know and appreciate the good ones?

That is all.

And without blonde jokes, how would you know and appreciate the dumb ones?

That is also all.

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