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September 24, 2004


Ridley and I are in Portland, Ore., today. We chose it because (a) it's a nice town, and (b) we're reasonably confident that a hurricane will not come here. Also we have reason to believe that our event tonight may be attended by Mr. John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur, one of the co-creators of International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Ridley and I are very excited and plan to wear our formal eyepatches.


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Er, Dave and Ridley, word to the wise - you only get to wear a formal eye patch when the socket it covers is empty.


Glad to see your cannon made it through airport security. Or should I not mention that out loud? Oops.

I wonder if I could get enough people wearing eye patches to formal events if it'd become the new formal equivalent of the top hat.

That'd be the coolest thing ever. Let's start a trend!

Dave, give my brother Ken a call while you're in Portland, OK?

"Hi. Uh Ken?"
"Ken Meyerson, brother of Jeff?"
"It's me, Dave."

There once was a hook, Ol' Chumbucket,
Who may've even been from Nantucket.
When off to see Ridley and Dave,
Should he don that fancy eyewear?
He 'as heard to be muttering, 'Arrrr, f*ck it'

The eyepatches will be perfect, Dave and Ridley........but I would opt not to wear those coconut bras if I were you......

Ahh, who am I trying to kid......I'd wear 'em......

Once a scurvy dog there did be
And sail he did upon the high sea
Off he went for Dave and Ridley to view
The true purpose for an eyepatch in a formal do
But sadly for he
Armed with wit were they
He found it quite hard
To attractively don a bustier

Wahhh, you're here and I have to stay home with two sick kids. :(


Remember me anyway, and I'll virtually send you a pirate eyepatch to wear!


Welcome to Portland!

I gotta get me an eye patch for when I see Dave and Ridley TOMORROW in MILWAUKEE!!!!!!!!

I'm very excited...

Dave, will you sign my bone?

*digs through collection looking for the perfect bone. Can't be too big. Too small. Too irregularly shaped...*

Polly, will this bone do?

*shows Polly a perfect dog bone*

*wrinkles nose*

Sorry, Mr. Dog. That bone is far to small.

Dr. Dog, doggone it! If a dog don't know a good dog bone, what good is a dog, and what does a dog know?

Let's see... Seattle, Phoenix, L.A., Portland. Dave must use the same travel agent as Ivan and Jeanne.

Dave did you take your generator on tour with you. I ask because jennean is comming strait towards me.


Another woman I can't satisfy.

*Polly queues up in a long line of unsatisfied women*

Hey! Who says I'm unsatisfied? Your dog bone can be useful in other capacities...just not for Dave's autograph!

College on the east coast prevents me from being in my home town for this...Dave Barry comes to MY TOWN for a book tour, finally, and I'm NOT THERE. I'm going to go weep some more...

Dave, Dave... c'mon to albany!! we have bookstores.

Thanks, Christobol. I only hope my brother got his hearing aid fixed in time for the call!

Jeff! Ken has a hearing aide? I wish I'd have known that.

"Hi. Uh Ken?"
"Ken Meyerson, brother of Jeff?"
"Hello? Oh wait, hold on, let me get my hearing aide... Hello?"
"Dave's not here."
"Dave's not here."

The perfect fashion accessory for those wearing a black eye patch is a black codspiece. I will immediately FedEx mine to you to use if you like. It is an extra large and has dainty lace ruffles. If I have time I will wash it.


If you have time, make sure you visit the Oregon vortex. You'll think you've been swiggin' rum even when you haven't!

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