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September 21, 2004

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

In Phoenix, Ridley and I have been drawing terrific crowds.

PhoenixCow.jpg

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Are those escapees from the Coffeen family farm? Isn't that the daughter of Stookey Elm Park Redstar Ex 92 and her dam is a Good Plus renown factor daughter whose (not who's) next dam is VG-86.

Apparently they thought the book was "Peter and the Cowcatchers."

They're bloglits dressed up for Talk Like A Cow Day.

What about the pig Mike?

See the spots on the pig? It's a cow-pig.

When is the Peter and the Cowcatchers Mooooovie coming out?
(hides behind joshkr)

Those are pretty good drawings! They look 3-D with shading and shadows (love the bull's shadow) and effective modeling of the colors. Wow, which one of your went to art school?

To err is human,
To moo bovine.

Dave keeps Mooovin On Up to the Big Time!

cow-pig=mooink?

Dave, is Ridley really wearing long sleeves? I was in Phoenix last week and it was 108 degrees every day. Is he trying to hide the needle tracks?

I'm starting to question the sobriety of whoever is with Dave and Ridley taking the pictures. In this one, I fear they are about to slide out of the photo to the left to become a giant farm animal salad.

Those scarecows are there to keep the humans from having sex.

Uhhhhh... The only humans there are Dave and Ridley...
Do we really want to go there Polly?!!?

Polly, giggle.

That is udderly weird.

I would like to have seen the mating ritual that brought about that mooink.

"You really love animals, don't you?"
"If it gets cold enough."

I moooove that we put Polly's question out to pasture....

All in favor, say "Moink"

Here comes something grazing out of left field, if one may be so bold. Dave's not in Phoenix, but rather Scottsdale, Oh the humanity...blah blah blah. I know so what I'm just whining because I didn't get to go. "What a Whiny Little MuleCow", some are saying............WBAGNFARB.........MAYBE.

Apparently you were not here last weekend when it rained all weekend. You missed the two out of, let’s see here, 5 or 6 times it rains in a year. The temperature actually went down to cool 88. Get out the winter outfits!


*Dave, is Ridley really wearing long sleeves? I was in Phoenix last week and it was 108 degrees every day. Is he trying to hide the needle tracks?*

"So anyways if a system undergoes a process by heat and work transfer, then the net heat supplied, Q, plus the net work input, W, is equal to the change of intrinsic energy of the working fluid...oh crap here comes those writer guys. Act natural!"

"Moo"

"Oink"

"Moo moo"

"Hey - let's get a picture with these animals!"

"Good idea!"

*click*

*mosey*

"And of course if the heat input to a heat engine is Q, then the work output of the engine, W will be restricted to an upper limit Wmax...jeese here they come again!....Moo"

"Moo"

"I'm not sure that picture was any good, we're not even in the frame."

"Moo"

"Oink"

"Bye - ya stupid bovines"

Does a cow-pig have ramparts? If so, would it have 4 (cow-type) ramparts or 8 (pig-type) ramparts? Would they be the size of bowling balls? Are there (not their) special cow-pig plastic surgeons that specialize in cow-pig rampart enhancement? And most importantly, could it run fast, you know, faster than...say...sheep?

save a horse, ride a cow.....boy! (reference to country Big & Rich song for you urbanites)

do you think right after that pic was taken, they went cow tipping, of sorts? hope they didn't step in any cow patties!

No, dog. Sheep are always faster. Especially when going in circles. ha ha. It's late

Kim, Thats what all the girls say!

Where is this? Gary Larson's front yard?

All of these comments have put me in a good
mooo-d.
(ducks)

i didnt realize that book tours were such mooooving experiences.....

The pink cowpig is ready to charge! Run!

Don't panic, MKJ, she only charges about a nickel.

Does the cowpig goof with those trying to keep kosher?

This is a photo of Dave and Ridley attempting to go cow-tipping. Then they realized the darn things were bolted to the earth.

Also, do those things have cream, sugar and a big spoon in them somewhere?

In case you haven't had breakfast yet, here's a handy bacon dispenser

Cow: Mmmm, writers - the other white meat!

CowPig: Tastes like chicken.

Chicken: I'll take your word for it.

Dave: I don't like the look in their eyes.....

Ridley (pushes Dave to ground and starts to back away, ready to bolt): Take him! I'm a Kosher Hindu vegan! I swear! PETA forever!

(Trips over Dave's outstretched leg)

Dave (recovering): I'm full of growth hormones, MSG, and antibiotics. He's the healthier meal.

Animals advance on cowering Ridley. Dave takes quick camera-phone photo, sprints to car, and races off. Photo appears on blog later that day under heading "Consumed With Book Tour". Bloglits post competing claims of "First!", amusing comments, bad puns, anecdotes, haikus, limericks, non-sequiturs, cleavage-dominated Ebay links, cryptic MOAT references, assorted spam, delighted welcomes to long-not-heard-from bloglits, HTML instructions, and demands for genuine beefcake.

Afer regaining consciousness, Ridley is found later that day wandering the streets of Phoenix in a daze, his clothes shredded, not realizing how fortunate he was to have his PETA membership card fall out of his pocket and land directly within eyesight of the frenzied farm creatures as they were about rip the flesh from his bones.

Not knowing if his colleague is dead or alive, Ridley attempts to contact Dave on his cell phone, but all he can get is a recorded greeting saying "Dave's not here." He then remembers the ugly altercation, tries Dave's Miami Herald office number, and reaches Judi Smith, who steadfastly denies knowing where Dave is or how he can be reached.

As his head clears further, Ridley goes back to his hotel and accesses a computer. After being asked to register for the Herald and closing out a multitude of pop-up ads, he logs onto the Dave Barry blog. He sees the post of himself being stampeded by a pack of farm animals followed by blithe detached, commentary.

Enraged, Ridley Pearson, gentle co-author of Peter and the StarCatchers, dutiful wearer of coconut bras, pirate hats and other assorted oddities, embarks on The Mother Of All Manhunts to stalk, capture and mercilessly torture his former partner and his band of merry bloglits.

Now - THAT'S a post!

Our military hard at work... (All pun intended):

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — Earlier this year, it was the 20,000 troops of the 101st Airborne Division who were welcomed here.
On Monday, it was Oprah Winfrey, who came to congratulate the soldiers' wives expecting babies between September and December — all 640 of them. Each became pregnant after their husband returned from Iraq.

Q: How come writers never get any?
A: CowPigs can hear a zipper from a mile away (har!)

*ducks*

Melt'n, You're (not yore) post calls fer some heavy-duty cypherin'. Soldiers came home in early April...June and August have 30 days...werewolves only come out on full moons...hmmm, seems like expecting in September is a tad premature. Me thinks some extracurricular rogering is afoot.

Extracurricular rogering wbagnfarb

*hides behind Federal CowPig*

. . . (8) Slather bacon generously with butter and it is ready to serve

Old Joke Alert (but a favorite of mine nonetheless)
Q: What happens when you play a country music record backwards?
A: You get your house back, your wife back, your dog back, your truck back...

*Ridley on his merciless manhunt*
*sees bar - enters, sees Dave on stool nursing a beer*

"AHA! Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Ridley! Your shirt's all wet, Dave."
"Hi Ridley. Bought you a beer."
"You're not getting mercy from me, Dave. Thanks for the beer, tho."
"You're welcome. So what happened with the fake animals?"
"They nearly ate me.... fake? What are you talking about fake?"
"They were, you know, bolted to the ground. At first I thought your little riff about being attacked was pretty funny, but then when you wet yourself and started speaking in tongues I got kinda thirsty and wandered over here."
"What about the .. the picture of me being consumed on your blog?"
"What about it?"
"And my PETA card saving me?"
"You're not in PETA. You kill puppies with lawn darts."
"Well, puppies with lawn darts are dangerous."
"True."
"So...what..I've been hallucinating again?"
"Yep. Can't help that you're wearing long sleeves in the desert. Or that we ordered a pitcher of tequila at breakfast."
"But it was cheaper that way than by the glass."
"True."
"Want another beer?"
"We gotta get to the book signing, Ridster. Listen, if some of my bloglits show up in farm animal getups, that's just you hallucinating again, ok?"

*at the book signing*
"Hi Dave, Hi Ridley. I'm from the blog."
"Nice cowsuit."
"Thanks. I brought you a urine sample."
"Man, I really need to blog about pizza and beer before these signings...."

AAAHHHHHHH*DROOLING* BAAACON....

I haven't seen anyone else say this:

From the looks of it, Ridley and Dave are drawing terrific HERDS (not crowds).

Just how terrific are they?

If humans can invent the perfect drink (margarita) and the perfect food (bacon), why hasn't anyone yet perfected the bacorita?

Let me get my blender . . .

Bangie - thanks for the flattery.

*Takes off Blue Meanie costume to reveal Christobol outfit*

*Puts Blue Meanie costume back on to avoid further frightening the children*

*awaits skewering from real Christobol, he of the good natured sense of humor*

ROTFL - Christobol and Blue Meanie

My hat is off to you or would be if I had one on.

*Leaves to get beanie and doffs it in their general direction*

Take your hats off to Blue Meanie, I just hopped along for the ride.

---

"Trick or treat!"
"What the hell are you supposed to be?"
"Erm...a Christobol?"
"Get off my porch, kid."
"Do I get any candy?"
*shotgun chambering sound*
"Ok Ok! No wonder there were like, a million of these costumes left at Walmart."

I would sing this, but that would cause all praise to be instantly retracted:


You can leave your hat on.....

Extra credit to Blue Meanie for knowing who wrote that song.

*dons Bangi_Sizzles costume*
*starts getting WAY TOO MUCH attention from men, and women not interested in men, and women interested in men but just curious*
*runs*

help me with this zipper!

Blue Meanie & Christobol: brilliant twice! I jsut hope Dave & Ridley are still reading these. Dave?

"just" not "jsut"

I don't know why I do that. I also type "teh" for "the" but usually catch that one.

Just wanted to let you guys in on a few things that I've learned in my in-escapeable decent into maturity...

...you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

...one good turn gets most of the blankets.

...no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. (That one's for Mad)

...it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

...whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

...you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

...depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

...it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. (for Bangi)

...you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

...not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

...ex's are like fungus and keep coming back. (Again for Mad)

...age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

...I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

...we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

...artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

...99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

...the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

...99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

Don't I know it, Melt'n, don't I know it ...
* sighs heavily, knowing more grey hairs are coming *

we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities

Oh how true that is.

as long as they're not Cows With Guns...

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