THOSE HEARTLESS TWO-PRONGED TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using piranhas AND monkeys.

(Thanks to Pilsenerman)

Comments

[Tetsu]

Kids these days... back in my day, we were lucky if monkeys and piranas were the ONLY things that bit us!

[Higgy]

The kid's name in the first story - Stumpy...

[Polly]

Did we learn nothing from Planet of the Apes?

[Lou Bricant]

You know the old proverb: "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed the fish for a day."

[Dave (not Barry.. calm down)]

Those heartless terroist bastards.. now they're using naive celebrity journalists to distract us with nonsensical animal stories while they carry on their sinister work as we're hunched over our keyboards attempting to be witty and hoping to get the attention of the naive celebrity journalist while the building down the street blows to smithereens because we didn't notice the Arab guy with the suitcase hanging around out front.

[Scottfc]

"Stop that! You're a helper monkey! This isn't helping!"

-- Homer

[Swt GA HunnyB]

Geez! What's next? A giraffe biting a little old lady???

[waxwing]

"THOSE HEARTLESS TWO-PRONGED TERRORIST BASTARDS"

I gotta say, that is one of the most intriguing headlines I've ever seen...the images it conjures! The possibilities...

[Mr.Fisher]

Coming to theaters everywhere this summer:

MonkeyMan!

[bella]

"Coming to theaters everywhere this summer:

MonkeyMan!"

And his sidekick, PiranhnaBoy!

[Mr.Fisher]

they're still trying to figure out how to get a

PiranhaMan to walk on land.........Maybe he

could just foil the evils in the underwater

world of various housing project fountains.

[Mr.Fisher]

I think it'll be the MVP ...

[slowlayne]

It's a terrorist bastard menagerie!
First hippos then fish and a monkey!
Yesterday snails,
Last week it was whales!
No wonder this blog smells so funky.

[Sean]

Vould you like to pet my monkey?
And Monkey Man is one of the best 'Stones songs of all times.

[meg]

Why did the chinese boy need a sling? weren't the stitches on his index finger?

[mbgordon81]

First it's the whales we are fighting
And now the monkeys are biting
Mutant snails in a lake
We all need a break
To read all the funny things we've been writing!

[Christobol]

You know, if you put 1000 monkeys in a room with 1000 typewriters and leave them there for 100 years, they will eventually (ok, after around 15 minutes) produce a Grisham novel.

However, you add some piranhas to the mix? Well. Then it won't work.

[slowlayne]

Add piranhas and you get a Dave Barry column.

[kibby F5]

I wonder, if they didn't get the boys' name, did they AT LEAST get the piranhas's names?

Man, slopping reporting these days....

Who, What, When, Why and Where? The 5 - W's!

[Barbi (with an "i") Guinness]

"I'm walking into the Key Food, and the next thing I know, my grandson is like, 'Grandma, Grandma it hurts!' And I'm looking around and I see blood coming out of his arm," she told Newsday for Tuesday editions."

Okay, this stupid old woman just admitted that she wasn't watching her child, but now she's going to cause trouble for this disabled man and his helper monkey by claiming the attack was unprovoked? What, does she think the monkey just flew across the aisle at the supermarket and bit the kid for no reason? I don't know why this makes me so mad. I'm just worried about what's going to happen to the poor monkey, I guess. What ever happened to watching your kids to keep them from getting hurt?

[Christobol]

Barbi, if it makes you feel any better, the standard protocol in such cases is to cut the monkey's head off and send it to Oregon to see how big it is compared to the largest known fungus. They must do this. Think of the children.

Other than that, the monkey is unharmed. In some countries there is also a fine.

As for the child, they need to watch for signs of throwing poop at visitors. (not a bad idea even when you are not sure whether or not your unsupervised child may have been bitten by a monkey).

[Jeff Meyerson]

Here is the followup. Apparently monkey man wasn't supposed to take his monkey to Key Food with him. Which is a good thing, as I shop at the store -- granted, not that branch -- almost every day and I don't want to have to watch out for Darla swinging down the aisles biting people, however innocently.

I don't know why, but this made me think of this Darla. I hope it wasn't a monkey bite that killed her.

[Christobol]

Excellent follow-up, Jeff (Dave or Judi should have their service-monkey post it on the main blog): Key quote: "Darla was not a pet, but a trained "service" monkey"

See, when your pet moves up to "service monkey" status, it's only a matter of time before they become even more, and then it's well nigh impossible to leave them home.

"Darla, you know you are much more than just a service monkey to me, but the judge says I gotta leave you home? Awwwwww don't look at me that way, you know I can't resist. Alright, hop in ya scamp, but I swear if you maul another 2 year old...."

[Grandpa Simpson]

Mmmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.

[Caitlin]

"Mmmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey."

That's what I immediately thought.