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August 19, 2004


...is nothing if not informative on the subject of ...umm...men.

(Thanks to Sacha Dennison)


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I had trouble the other day using a Grande cup to obtain a measurement, until I found out you're supposed to use the outside of the cup.

Well, this certainly makes you think of other things when you hear, "I'd like a venti mocha with an extra shot."

Strange. If you hang out in the chat rooms on AOhHell, all the men tell you that they are at LEAST eight inches or more...

Ohhhh . . . !

The Critical Girth WBAGNFARB.

And I guess being called a pencil d*@k isn't supposed to be a bad thing, according to that article......

Anyone wonder what Starbucks thinks about their cups (complete with sip lid) being used to measure penises? I don't like coffee, so I don't care, but I still think it's kind of gross.

I notice that this article discusses girth, but carefully avoids providing food examples, and completely eliminates a photo of the whole range of possible girths. I mean, are we talking pretzel rod, Twinkie, or frozen bean burrito here? Liverwurst roll? Red Bull can? What?

I think Twinkie Girth wbagnfarb, actually, now that I think about it, though most people would think it's a phat, I mean FAT, joke.

Theresa and I were wondering if Judy could explain the correct measurement technique. We think that the length and girth of my penis might make a difference in a couple battleground states, but we don't want to be accused of overstating. Like, if we measure 6.8 inches, but it's actually 6.5 inches, we don't want some ad hoc Veteran's for Truth in Penis Length group coming (hehe) out with commercials disputing the length of my penis.

Help us Judy. You're our only hope!

Size doesn't matter. Endurance matters! ;o)

"For those of you who don't like to deal in raw numbers, at 5.877 inches, the average penis is about the size of a Nestle Butterfinger candy bar (unwrapped) ... Most men vary in size between a Twix bar and a Peter Paul Mounds (with the wrapper extended)."

Umm yeah I can never eat chocolate bars again with out thinking who they are the size of...

I bet Joshker is a king sized butterfinger

Hey Christobol - Lick those candy bars...

and from the article further down on the page:
"So feel good about yourself. You're not a chip-munching human garbage can. You're saving precious landfill space. You might be fat. But you're munching for Mother Nature"

Good now I can be happy I'm fat from eating all those candybars. MMM twix, butterfingers, and Oh yeah Peter Paul's Mound....

Mr. Kerry,
Since, after you measure, you will probably claim many varying lengths and girths in many different battleground states, it really doesn't matter how long or short you are. Just get Theresa to moan in ecstasy about how "well-equipped" you are to be the President, well at least as "well-equipped" as Bill "I wish I could run again, and so does my Party" Clinton.

I fear that we will find out the answer to the "Chicken or the egg" question sooner than the "does size matter" question.

the government, of course, could come up [sorry] with an elaborate penis-measuring chart, and probably, as part of homeland security, could measure everybody, and jail the men with the longest ones, or the shortest ones, as terrorists, or something. bottom line: this is all that men think of anyway. we always knew that.

"Men of the world, rejoice! The average length of an erect penis is shorter than you probably think."

And women of the world, --- I'm trying to figure out how a "would you like to supersize that" remark would fit in here, but I'm kind of rushed in getting to work. I'm sure someone else will do it justice

Starbucks -- first breastfeeding and now penis measurements...

Lastly, it would be interesting to know the gender of the individual at Starbucks came up with "grande" for "medium".

OK, gotta go.

And here you see a sterling example of why women are generally so bad at judgine distances and dimensions by eyesight alone. All their lives they have been told that "this" (points down) was eight inches.

I hear these taste great with salsa

"Ready for bed, honey? I've got a Peter Paul Mounds with the wrapper extended!"

"Hmm, looks more like a Twix to me."

This seems like a good time to mention that the Ball Park Franks and the Herbal Essence people should be able to come up with marketing slogans that would sell these products.

It must have been hard (HA HA - sorry couldn't resist) to get 300 guys to stop the, um, festivities to even be measured.

Sooooo, what'd you do on spring break????

Then what are Butterfinger B-Bs?

Lest we forget, Mr. Woody

Is that a Mounds Bar in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Hey,Baby,either way it's Pants Candy!

"Most men vary in size between a Twix bar and a Peter Paul Mounds (with the wrapper extended)."

Well, that certainly puts it in terms the average woman can understand, at least.

"I mean, are we talking pretzel rod, Twinkie, or frozen bean burrito here?"

JuliaZ: or maybe we're talking Algona's giant Cheeto? (You wish, right Punky?)

"Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Peter Paul Almond Joy's got nuts Mounds don't."

At least they didn't use a Snicker as a category..
" You score somewhere between a Pez and a Snicker,far short of the hard to attain Three Muscateers."
Personally,I find the traditional Deli Meat Measuring Method far more accurate:A wiener,pepperoni,sausage,a baloney..salami..Cappicolla..

Cut to Arte Johnson in an overcoat, on a park bench next to Ruth Buzzy: *mumbling* "Looking For Mr. Goodbar?"

*Endures repeated smacks with purse*

(Yeah, I know,....a definite geezer flag.)

Um, aren't Klondike bars square? And the coating breaks on them too easily. Let's talk Dove bars...

If you got the girth, you don't really need all the endurance!

*acknowledges Blue Meanie in secret geezer language*

But wait, if I do my kegel exercises, then girth is... perceived?


You would think a Green Beret would have what it takes . . .

Mahatma, WTF?

Blue Meanie/Leetie
I'd like to see an actual Geezer flag. What would be on it? A crest with imagery symbolizing bifocals, comfortable shoes, prescription medications, fiber and copious amounts of Ben-Gay, maybe?

Leetie: Just a particularly disturbing auction is all, didn't mean anything by it . . .

Will your girlfriend think you're a treasure?
Does your candy bar give her great pleasure?
According to Kinsy
It's not that flimsy
Master your Johnson with a tape measure

Geezer tags, any use of:
"Sock it to me"
"You bet your sweet bippie"
"Here come da Judge"

and not "NOT!"

And that's the truthpptttt!

It turns out that size does matter, but only to guys. Having The Girth is like owning sports car or wearing an Armani suit. Nobody else cares, but it makes you *feel* cool.
I've always found it hard (iolite reference) to believe that over 8 inches exists.

One ringy dingy

MKJ, my previous comment was just a nudge. Keep 'em coming!

*wondering if MKJ really needs egging-on*

Are we getting into egging people now? Cool...

You can bet your sweet bippie MKJ doesn't need egging on.

ps: Dave's not here.


Verrry interesting.

Yikes. We scared away the penis jokes.

Leetie: wonder no more
(not to a good measure, BTW ...)

"but stoopid!"


Actually, the Tipiyokti Shuttlecocks would be a good name for something or other..... maybe an Olympic Sailing Team....

"Ja, but still interrresting....."

But you better just stay away from my "whimsical monkey" Donald Roller Wilson ripoff monkey rampart auctions on eBay. They're all mine!

Can't have that, Leetie. Here's one for ya:

Penis walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long ... head?"

Protein stains are so hard to get out . . .

Leetie: you are welcome to them . . .

A penis walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a stiff one."

Also works with "geezer" instead of "penis".

Oh,how we've strayed...Maybe this bit about measuring your manhood with candy is a subliminal statement about how younger and younger people are when they start having...ya know..candy.

*Deftly returns thread to penis measurement theme with consideration of alternative criterion*

Tootsie Ro-olls last a long time
Last a long time
Last a long time

[Geezers will know the tune to this]

An old girlfriend used to call me "Butterfingers". At the time I thought she meant that I was clumsy.

I could never work at Subway's because I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face when I ask a female customer if she wants six or twelve inches.

Mike,do you really have to ask?

Federal Duck: it exists. Ever see John C. Holmes?

I e-mailed this story to a friend and someone in his office (this is a college, note) noticed that even though the article said 5 7/8" the graphic on the cup said 5 7/8'. Wishful thinking? Or was she really measuring a brontosaurus?

Here's an informative sex-ed item

OK, that wasn't too funny. I'm trying!!

Oh, so this is where everyone's hanging. I thought the ReMOAT seemed oddly quiet. Shoulda known you'd all be hanging out with the penis jokes. (there's a joke there....)

I can't add anything re geezer flag only because they all seem to have been taken.

Well, that puts a new spin on the whole Eddie Izzard "Would you like a cup of coffee" theory.

ok i don't know if anybody has pointed this out, but "guys who are on spring break in mexico" is hardly an average random sample of men. a lot of guys with, you know, more geeklike or anti-social tendencies have never been to mexico (or anywhere on spring break. or near a bar, for that matter). not to mention the guys who would drop trou and get aroused in order to get measured might not be the, um, less-well-endowed ones.

Geezer Flag: any reference to astrological sign as an indicator of physical or personality traits. e.g. My sign? Why, I'm a taurus, you know, "the bull."

*bows to the audience after deftly linking the penis size theme with the geezer flag theme, reuniting the thread*

And Judi, us geeks sometimes hide large surprises.

Think slide rule.

Isn't that another geezer flag?

Geezer Flag: any reference to astrological sign as an indicator of physical or personality traits. e.g. My sign? Why, I'm a taurus, you know, "the bull."

*bows to the audience after deftly linking the penis size theme with the geezer flag theme, reuniting the thread*

And Judi, us geeks sometimes hide large surprises.

Think slide rule.

Isn't that another geezer flag?

Posting twice is just more proof that I'm a geek.

So, when geeks get old do they become geekzers? I guess we'll know soon.

Mahatma, thanks! I can get this for "demonstrating the birds and bees to your offspring!!" Oh wait, I forgot, I don't have any offspring. Rats!

Makes me want to go out and get a candy bar.

OMG did i just say that out loud?

i went and listened to the laughin clips. you know you're really a geezer when you recognize all those voices.

and a word of caution to others:... use a condom when you listen... i got a virus from it.

Laughin? That some Irish feller?

Oh, *Laugh-in*


wow......you mean all phoebe cates needed for demo purposes in "fast times at ridgemont high" was a twix bar????? (actually, i don't think they had come out yet, but my point is still valid....lol)

"What our research shows is that 17 percent of erections measured under 4.5 inches, and there might be a market for that."

Yeah. OK.

man: you know honey, these condoms are just too big for me. I think I need to start buying condoms in the petitie section.

Woman: *daydreaming of her magnum ribbed vibrating jelly toy* What honey? I wasn't listening. Oh and by the way, I think we need to repaint the ceiling ... it looks a little dingy. Now what were you saying ...

Man: Umm ... er ... you know honey, I think that dress you had on earlier is way too big for you ... I think you should start sopping in petities.

Woman: Really?! Oh honey, thanks! I have been cutting down on those Ring Dings and Bon Bons lately ... speaking of which, I suddenly have the urge to lick your butterfinger ... come 'ere hot stuff!

*rereads post*

*runs out and buys herself a dictionary* :(

punky - petities is a new size in bras? Like melon baller?

Penis joke:
Once there was a man with a small penis. He was very sad about it and it was affecting his social life.
So one day the man visited a witch and told her about his problem. The witch gave him a potion to drink and told him, "Go to see the widow who lives on top of the hill. Ask her to marry you. Every time she says 'no', your penis will grow an inch."
So he drank the potion and headed up the hill. When he got to the house, he knocked on the door. The widow answered the door and he asked her to marry him.
"No!" She said, and slammed the door in his face.
The man was very happy to realize that his penis had grown an inch!
He tried again, knocking on the door and asking the widow to marry him.
"No!" she said again, and slammed the door.
Again his penis grew an inch.
Thinking that one more inch might do it, he knocked a third time. When the widow opened the door, he asked again, "Will you marry me?"
The widow screamed "NO! No! A thousand times, no!"

Leave it to women nurses to get the truth!

Old penis joke (not a joke about old penises):

A couple is undressing for sex when the woman sees that the man has a very small penis and comments, "Who do you expect to please with that?" To which the man replies, "Me, madam!"

Thank you, and good night. Drive safely! Tip your server!

Hey, talk about penis putdowns (not agnfarb), a former friend actually admitted this one out loud. He was travelling in Europe with a (rather promiscuous) female friend. One night, as I guess she had nothing better to do with herself (no pun) she was going to sleep with him. Upon seeing the size of his organ she (supposedly -- remember this is secondhand) said to him, "You gonna put that little bitty thing in me"?


Punky, your "magnum ribbed vibrating jelly toy*" line reminded me of a hilarious routine by raunchy but -- yes, extremely funny -- comedian Robert Schimmel. He tells a story about going to buy sex toys with his wife and says if men were smart they'd buy a tiny vibrator that takes one AA battery, so the wife would say, "Ah, this is pathetic, let's use your dick."

Instead the guy buys the Magnum (or some such name -- you get the drift), which takes 12 C batteries and comes with a shoulder strap and a kickstand! They rerun his routines on one of the HBO channels periodically -- if you want to laugh and are not easily offended, which I'd guess includes most of this blog -- give him a try.



"The guys got to go into a private tent outside Daddy Rock nightclub, where they found girlie magazines and other items to put them in the mood. Then came the doctor and two nurses. Each penis was measured by two of the four nurses."

But that does in no way, shape or form lead to "the average length of a male sex organ is 5.877 inches."

First, it is all college boys, no one over 22, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, or under 18. The MOST you can say is "the average length of college boys."

Second, the mention of girlie magazines and the fact of using a pick up bar indicates these are all heterosexual or posing as heterosexual boys. There is a widespread theory that many boys with huge penises turn gay because their first girls complain about the size "Stop. It hurts!" So the most you can REALLY say is "the average length of heterosexual college boys."

Third, this was done in Cancun, Mexico which limits it to wealthy heterosexual, college students, not the night students, the scholarship students, nor the part time students. That entitles you to say NO MORE than "the average length of financially privileged, heterosexual, matriculated full time college boys."

Fourth, I have never been to Cancun, but I daresay there would only be a tiny smattering of Black college students in Cancun, and perhaps none in the group of 300, so the ACTUAL MOST you can say is "the average length of wealthy white, heterosexual college student boys."

Fifth, the fact that these boys were self-selected volunteers alone excludes any and all boys who might feel they are less than average, or religiously observant, seminary students, bible school students, modest, or too intellectual to engage in such foolishness.
So you can really say NOT ONE THING MORE THAN, "we found 300 boisterous, rich, white, heterosexual, American, full-time college boys at the peak of their sexual development, none of whom were Black, Quaker, Baptist, Amish, Mormon, introverted, superior intellectually, teetotallers, modest, or sensitive and calculated the average length of this tiny group."

Simon Joseph is full of it, and you should be ashamed of your own college degree for buying this tripe and reporting it as fact. Obviously, you guys had your blood supply engorging the wrong organ instead of your brain.

Hugh Jardon

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