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August 16, 2004

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A...

Sometimes you don't.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

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"Well suited for the pool bar or the locker room..."

Locker room?

Ok, What in the world does OIYDWYMTTY(NY)G
stand for, please help me out

And what happens when she finds out that this is just a clever ruse, like a gal stuffing her bra?

"BULK PRICING" too!

"Oh, I wish I had an Oscar Mayer Weiner..."

Or if you don't want your mother to think that you're (not your) gay.

It that a prosthetic bulge enhancement in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

It that a prosthetic bulge enhancement in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

Hit the Home button, and then the link for The Bubble Butt. For about 50 bucks total, impress the crap out of your locker room buddies. Best of luck in the real world, though.

socks are cheaper....

This is the problem with technology...

Now, no longer does a pair of socks do the trick - nooooo, now we've got to have fancy-schmancy inserts!

I'm scared to look at the rest of this product line... but I probably will anyway...

Lurlene slowly removed her sweater, allowing two ballons, a pair of socks, and a trapped kitten to fall out of her bra.

"I guess you thought I was a little bigger, huh Jed."

"That's ok. I've got some bad news for you as well."

Talk about false advertising! This is so much worse than a push-up bra.

maybe they meant tenaciously. which doesnt make actually make it sound any better. not really someplace you want something clinging tenaciously or discernedly.

It keeps it's form with "extended use"..Is there an application they aren't mentioning?

My husband has no need of sorry little prosthetic embellisment. He has the real thing.

My husband has no need of sorry little prosthetic embellisment. He has the real thing.

Vocab Police re: discernedly

They meant discernibly. As in, this bulge enhancer is visible to people looking at your crotch, as well as those trying not to.

It may seem silly, but you have to understand that their first product was a bulge enhancer that was "indescernible from any distance or angle" and it did not sell well, except among the very shy tranvestite communities of southern Alabama, who have learned discretion.

Does it look like your date found a fluffer?
Or from envy is he starting to suffer?
It's not Viagra he took
Yes, take a good look!
You can't judge a c*ck by his stuffer.

Oh.

My.

God.

"Cling discernedly"??

MOTW - bragger

Apparently, it's so big it needs TWO posts to contain it..

Reminds me of Drew Carey's "My d*ck is so big, it..." jokes...

for those of you wanting a few punchlines:
- has it's own zipcode
- graduated a year ahead of me in high school
- you can ski down it.

etc, etc...

Warning, do not open at work, OUAGADOUGOU! Too late to get this whimsical monkey costume.

Christobol -

No....Jed would have said...."when you get to what I want, just toss it on over here".

Christobol...

Lurlene... Trapped kitten...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! HA HA HA HA!!!

Oops! I peed myself again.

Higgy - you didn't mention my favorite punchline of Drew's to that (so I will):

-at the movies you can get popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick

Christobol -

No....Jed would have said...."when you get to what I want, just toss it on over here".

*Ahem*

Perhaps I am naive. Or ignorant. Take your pick, but... what is a codpiece?

MOTW said (twice) "My husband has no need of sorry little prosthetic embellisment. He has the real thing."

Does that mean he tried the sorry little prosthetic embellishment and it didn't work so he moved up to the real thing (aka a big prosthetic embellishment)?

Or did you mean your husband has an super huge dick.

I think I speak for most of the free world when I say "Booger!"

**disclaimer: all in good fun. I'm very happy for you. booger.**

A codpiece is a toupee for fish

codpiece
noun: (15th-16th century) a flap for the crotch of men's tight-fitting breeches

As in: "Forsooth, this codpiece doth chafe my groin."

Or: "If a codpiece in the ocean, does he remember to flush?"

prosthetic embellishment wbagnfarb

I wonder if these are popular at the Devizes Cricket Club?
"Bully round of Cricket today,Chap..You seem so..
empowered..."
"Yes,yes its my new Plastic Bollocks..I feel..."
"Careful,Old chum I wouldn't stand to close to the bonfire while donning your Bogus bulge.."
"EEIIIIIEEIIEIEIEIEEEEE!! My Manufactured Manhood!!"
"Egad,old man! Now you are in quite a sticky wicket!"
"I say,it looks like they have them for bunnies also."

Slowlayne - that was damnfunny.

Polly, Batman and Robin where codpieces over their um cods. Officially they're for protection (and let's face it, when the early crime fighters were constantly doubling over and crying after the criminal masterminds kicked them in the crotch, sure, it was funny for a while, but pretty soon ...well no it stayed funny I guess)
unofficially they're for attracting cat woman.

Where? Wear.

Whatever.

That was not a haiku

Originally the "codpiece" was simply the flap that covered the front of tight trousers of the 16 and 17 century. Embellishment quickly followed as noted by Contents.

Kind of like the way the marsupial pouch turned into the prada handbag.

Or maybe not.

Codpieces were also a staple for the 80s Heavy Metal hair bands.

Can't remember which band or the person, but I remember seeing one idiot with a flaming codpiece.

Flaming Codpiece.

That'd be a good name for a hair band, actually...

If I remember correctly it was Kiss,probably Gene Simmons, who had a codpiece, Jilly Willy.
Slowlayne...you're too funny....

If the women of the Barry blog bought the cods, how many boys of the Barry blog would blog thier cods with the cods bought by the women of the Barry blog?

Christobol & Slowlayne: kudos.

Sean: good one, especially Manufactured Manhood, which would probably NOT bagnfarb. As for Plastic Bollocks, they probably WERE an English band.

No amount of cods bought by sods on the blogs for boys on blogs to show off their rods would persuade me to continue trying to rhyme here...

Questions from the lurking shadows:

Mahatma Kane Jeeves, what does "OUAGADOUGOU" mean? Is that just the sound one makes when inadvertently opening a NSFW picture while at work? Or what's it an acronym for? ;o)

Queensbee, I've also seen "wbagnfarb" several times and haven't been able to puzzle it out. What's it mean?

I agree with Polly on the pee-in-the-pants effect of the kitten-stuffed bra comment, btw.

Thanks, all -- Carolyn

slowlayne and christobol - thanks for making a bad day at work better :-) you guys ROCK!!!!

"BULK PRICING DISCOUNTS available on all orders over 10 cases."

There, but for the case of cods, go I.

attach two strings and call it a thong,
much better.

attach two strings and call it a thong,
much better.

Have you got a shiny bald gherkin?
Or maybe a pink naked fer-skin?
You need a wig
To put on that rig
Toupee your pee-pee with a merkin!

Carolyn: Ouagadougou. Member city of the funny name club.

er...that was for emphasis...yah...

btw...moaties, plz put ur name on da pics...dont want to lose track,

"Why the hell did you order 10 cases of these bulge enhancers, anyways?"

"Got a discount."

"Well, do you really think it is necessary to wear ALL of them at ONCE?"

"Hey, the chicks dig it. Besides, they stay crunchy in milk and help me feel very, very pretty even though I lost all my pubic hair in an accident it is best I not describe."

"You know, they make pubic rugs..."

"I used this bulge enhancer in my swimtrunks and it didn't work."

"Uh, next time try wearing it in the front."

Heh... merkin.

They must be marketing this in America only. 82% of the men in the world are not circumcised, but that supplement definitely is. Oh well! Could be a case of false advertising if the guy's got the factory standard underneath.

Julia, I've heard of getting around, but you've seen 82% of the world's penis supply?

You must have an interesting dayplanner

8:00am Dick
8:02am Dick
8:04am Dick
8:05am Dick
8:07am Dick
8:09am Break for sconce, Dick
etc

Q Sconce?
A erm...yeah. That's portuguese for "dick". Actually, I don't know what word I was looking for.
Q Perhaps you meant Topiyokti?
A Exactly

Q Sconce?
A erm...yeah. That's portuguese for "dick". Actually, I don't know what word I was looking for.
Q Perhaps you meant Topiyokti?
A Exactly

Q - perhaps you meant "scones" as in "and have buttered scones for tea!"

A - no. that would be silly.

Carolyn - "would be a good name for a rock band," one of Dave's running gags

Hey, the Running Gags - whaddaya think??

Gee Christobol, how many other foreign words do you know for, um, that portion of the mail anatomy?

I hadn't really quantified it, Boo. Let's see.

Russian: одно eyed глист интереса
Spanish: serpiente del trouser
French: veine principale
Italian: regalo a tutte le donne di questa galassia
German: Biberjäger

Not many really. It's just something you pick up when you travel a lot, and have a tendancy to injur yourself in peculiar ways and find yourself seeking nurses who work by the hour.

Christobol:In India it's a lingam..
"I got my MOJO Merkin...."

Key Quotes "A natural for bodybuilders and sunbathers. Individually wrapped packaging makes this product an appealing shelf item, allowing your customer to imagine the visual possibilities with usage. The Bulge's polyvinyl mesh material is waterproof and machine washable, and keeps its form with extended use."

A natural for bodybuilders and sunbathers as they all have small penises (penisi???). Individually wrapped so people wont slip it in their pants and try it out in the store. Do they have a floor model for such purposes?

This would be good for all the hairy, middle-aged fat guys in speedos that cruise the beaches.

Uggh

Thanks Punky.

That explains how I got ripped off by that Portuguese sconce enhancement company.

Now my bedroom is well lit the better to see my problem.

Ahh, hourly nurses. I see.

So Punky, what is the right size (we have, afterall, discussed the proper size of ramparts, although I suspect no one will claim a mellon baller-sized codpiece)?


I hear ya Punky. I'm not a size queen. But my boyfriend is.

Letterman: So tell us Punky, how did you land the role in the upcoming movie Your Penis is Too Small and I Hate You for That

Punky: Well, my ex-agent said it was a real star vehicle, you know? But after starring in Hey Twinky, Stop Poking Me With Your Pinky and Is That A Golf Tee In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me, But In A Pathetic Way I began to feel typecast.

Letterman: I see.

Punky: What are you packin', anyway?

Have you ever posted something then immediately wished you could take it back?

Hey 'layne, it could have been worse.

Boo. Oh yeah? Well wait till he reads this!

Tsk, tsk. You are not supposed to share the blog with anyone remotely close to you . . . but you should be okay as long as he doesn't decide to post a disclaimer.

I think I might be more embarrassed to ask judi to erase. But that's just me.

Slowlayne - not yet and hopefully not ever. You have my sympathies. Don't worry, he'll know you didn't mean it that way ;)

Not really so sympathetic here . . . more amused than anything. I find your pain and consternation wickedly funny.

I laughed, I cried, its better than Cats.

Boo - yeah, I laughed a fair bit myself.

Still offering sympathies though, Slowlayne.

I hear the 'landing strip' merkin is very chic!

I hear the 'landing strip' merkin is very chic!

As usual, Christobol is too funny for the room. He even got in a "Lumberjack Song" quote and all your Pythoniacs missed it.

oh, this is hysterical. And it's free!!

I was tooting christobol's horn when he first started posting way back when and everyone else was all "whatever, Punky" ... but now you all see the genius that is christobol. I'm like a blog talent scout ... is there money in that and would I get dental with it?

Punky - there may not be dental, but there's definitely oral...

*adds that to list of posts he regrets*

I recently saw a picture of you, Punky, and you know what? FORGET Lindsay Lohan.

"giving a guy greater visual proportions without anyone ever knowing his secret..."

That's what Betty Busty thought until she went swimming and her bra stuffing floated to the top of the water.

Which of these dicks is not like the others?
Which of these dicks just isn't the same?
Can you tell me which guy is wearing the rubber schlong,
By the time I finish this song!

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Doug ... yeah, the real Punky (soleil french fry) definitely came into her own ... she's a hot-tie!

cbahm-

don't think anyone answered your question. wbagnfarb = would be a good name for a rock band

Here's the scoring for the posts today..

Flaming bunnies -- 30
Beer Subsidies to English School Boys - 19
Austrian Waitress Schnapps Snafu - 23
Giant Mutant Australian Ants - 32
and finally....
Male genetalia enhancement -- 111.

We have a winner!! (and I want to see you all at confession in the morning!)

Any guy who enhances his maleness with soiled footwear is a dirty sock tucker!

Kilmeny, LOL Thanks for perverting Sesame Street here.

And no, I haven't seen 82% of all penises in the world. I've seen enough, but not that many. I was involved in a discussion of circumcision this morning and looked up the stats for someone else... they were still in my brain when I posted.

As for size, well, I used to be a size queen. Then I met my last boyfriend. Perfectly average size, way above average skill. So now my rule is, high skill, average size is OK. Low to normal skill, you better be packin'. That's a complicated system for someone who has had exactly 3 lovers in 16 years. :-)

Three lovers in 16 years? Amatuer! I've had three lovers in....what time is it?

Yet another regrettable post.

Shrinkage

No one has mentioned that this device could combat the effects of shrinkage. Then again... maybe clothing should be a little bulkier when its cold or wet.

I used to live in South Florida and remember the embarrasment the Canadians & the French must have felt on a cool day when they're wearing nothing but a weenie bikini. (No one but the Canadians or the French actually wore weenie bikinis aka Speedos)

Saw this hairy french dude in a Speedo once - looked like a woolly mammoth wearing a rubber band.... ech

Shrinkage

No one has mentioned that this device could combat the effects of shrinkage. Then again... maybe clothing should be a little bulkier when its cold or wet.

I used to live in South Florida and remember the embarrasment the Canadians & the French must have felt on a cool day when they're wearing nothing but a weenie bikini. (No one but the Canadians or the French actually wore weenie bikinis aka Speedos)

Saw this hairy french dude in a Speedo once - looked like a woolly mammoth wearing a rubber band.... ech

Very convincing, Julia.

"No..I wasn't looking at all those penises for ME. It was research....for somebody else. And I was in Niagara Falls at the time."

LOL Slowlayne.

"Low to normal skill, you better be packin'."

Words to live by, Julia, and a rule that could be used in all walks of life.

"Pamela Sue, face it, you're a pooch with no talent. Time to get those implants upgraded."

"Mr. President, frankly, you're not too bright. I think you better get out the bombs."

Writer's Cramp: only problem with your theory, after checking out Hollywood Beach (FL) several times, I saw no evidence the overweight packin' French Canadians were embarrassed at all.

lol Jeff.

Meanwhile...in Julia's office...

Julia's co-worker Jamanthia: Oh crap! Here comes Smatherses. He's in charge of worldwide circumsism statistics. Hide!

Julia (with a smarmy glance at Jamanthia) Here are those numbers you wanted, Mr. Smatherseseses. VERY interesting data from Outer Eastern Mongolia, wouldn't you say?

Smatherseseses: Yes. Yes. And yes indeed. Listen, I need you and Jamanthia to get me the latest figures on invasive surgery techniques utilizing bbq tongs and a corkscrew to correct irritable bowel syndrome in middle aged hasidic jews who have converted to mormon just for the sex, with a breakdown by eye color and navel lint capacity by...oh...let's say noon?

Oddly enough, a friend of mine just won a grant to conduct that exact study . . . well, except that it focuses on reformed Jews with minimal kosher adherenece rather than Hasidic Jews.

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